“I am here to announce that an Al Qaeda terrorist cell on our own soil has been destroyed,” Bush said to the press. “You may now praise me for how super-smart I am.”
“Is this ‘terrorist cell’ you refer to the New York Times?” asked a reporter.
Bush shrugged. “I don’t know what these terrorists chose to call themselves, but what I do know is they provided aid and comfort to the enemy and tried to inform them of our spying efforts. Now, all those involved in this said terrorist cell have been either killed or captured. The captured are now at Gitmo where they will be forced to listen to rap music while we fiddle with the AC. Oh, and we may beat them with sticks.” Bush looked to Attorney General Alberto Gonzales. “Hey, Gonzo, is it okay to beat them with sticks?”
“Doesn’t affect me, so I don’t care.”
Bush turned back to the press. “Well also beat them with sticks. Any other questions?”
“Isn’t punishing the New York Times for revealing a program they thought to be questionable in its legality have implications on our freedom of speech?” a reporter inquired.
Bush laughed. “That’s silly. We never stopped anyone from the New York Times from speaking. We just… well… shot them. I want everyone to know that they are free to report on any spying programs they know about. That we may kill you for it is neither here nor there.”
“What do you say to reports that Donald Rumsfeld has been spotted wandering around New York with an expression like he’s about to hurt someone?”
“Again, that’s a dumb question,” Bush said. “Rumsfeld always looks ready to hurt someone because he is, at all times, ready to hurt someone. As for being in New York, he decided to personally take on a special assignment. We know that the New York Times has been publishing information of interest to terrorists, but we aren’t certain how that information gets to terrorists. With the recent spying program leak, it was first publicized by talk radio and blogs… but we know none of those people actually read the Times. But, somewhere out there, there must be one sick bastard who actually reads the New York Times and then blabs about what’s in it. Since someone so twisted must be a danger to society, we will apprehend and/or kill him. Probably kill him.”
“I have a question about–”
“Is that a camera?” Bush shouted, pointing at a TV camera. “Are you people recording this? You’re all terrorist spies! Get them, Secret Police!”
Bush’s Secret Police ran into the room and started beating the reporters with clubs. Bush turned to Alberto. “So is it okay I ship all these people off to Gitmo?”
“Again, doesn’t affect me, so I don’t care. Now don’t ask me anymore questions unless it’s about what pizza toppings we’re going to order.”
Helen Thomas can be first in line, but remember that any stick used to beat her then becomes an ugly stick that can infect others.
I think it’s sad that in this great country of ours, we have to live with the knowledge that the press doesn’t receive sufficient beatings.
Hey, that could be a slogan for 2008 – “Vote Republican – We’ll Whup Al Qaeda and the Mainstream Media!”
//Bush’s Secret Police ran into the room and started beating the reporters with clubs. //
Bravo as always!! Bush’s “secret police” learning the reporters to not be stupid. Sigh if only…
LOL!!
I wouldn’t want to be Gonzo when Rummy gets back from NYC and finds that they had a pizza party without him. The thought makes my blood run cold.
excellent…more beatings of reporters! helen thomas fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down, by the way!
Dear America:
I don’t always have time to answer my mail as fully as etiquette demands, especially when the mail is critical or mean, but our story about the government’s surveillance of international banking records has generated some questions and concerns that I take very seriously. As the editor responsible deciding that our national security during a difficult war is not important, I’d like to offer a personal response.
It’s an unusual and powerful thing, this freedom that our founders gave to the press. Who are the editors of The New York Times (or the Wall Street Journal, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post and other publications that also ran the banking story) to disregard the wishes of the President and his appointees? Why we are the liberal press, you dumb asses! The power that has been given us is not is taken very lightly. The responsibility of it weighs most heavily on us when we at cocktail parties.
The press and the government generally start out from opposite corners in such cases. The government would like us to publish only the official line, and some of our elected leaders tend to view anything else as harmful to the national interest. We, the press, on the other hand, view the administration as the most evil, corrupt one since… well, the Clinton Administration.
And by the way, this time of war thing is ridiculous. Bush lied and people died, remember? Bill lied, and no one died. Well except Vince Foster, and I guess there were a few others. Since September 11, 2001, our government has launched broad and secret anti-terror monitoring programs without seeking authorizing legislation and without fully briefing the Congress. This could be tolerated during the Clinton Administration, but of course does not fly with a republican in office.
In the process, they have recklessly kept America from being attacked again, but that’s not the point. Most Americans seem to support extraordinary measures in defense against this extraordinary threat, but some administration officials who are on our payroll and trying to torpedo our war efforts and have been involved in these programs have spoken to the Times about their discomfort over the legality of the government’s actions and over the adequacy of oversight. Regardless of whether the Congress was advised and legal opinions provided supporting the legality of all these issues.
It’s not our job to pass judgment on whether this program is legal or effective, but we did anyway. While some experts from the DNC familiar with the program have doubts about its legality, which has never been tested in the courts, maybe since it is not illegal, we decided to blow the lid off the whole covert operation just for kicks.
A reasonable person, informed about this program, might well decide to applaud it. That said, we hesitate to preempt the role of legislators and courts, and ultimately the electorate, which cannot consider a program if they don’t know about it. Even though we knew that Congress had been notified and advised. Besides you could never accuse the press of being reasonable. (Wink, wink)
Finally, please be assured that we at the Times will never hesitate to leak any story that may curb the efforts of this reckless administration in prosecuting the war against terror. And never forget that we are the elite of this country, and the majority of you upset with our actions are mechanics from trailer parks or “porch whores” from Hee Haw.
Regards,
Bill Keller
P.S. Call of Rummy, I have sequestered myself in the Times safe room.
To quote His Rottieness,
“…rope, tree, reporter, some assembly required…”