Hollywood has always ran in conflict with the values of decent, Christian Americans, with its glorification of promiscuity, vulgarity, violence, and “alternate lifestyles.” Now, the twisted left-wingers who run Hollywood have declared an open war on Middle America with a summer movie that spits in the eye of anyone who cares for his fellow man. The movie, titled Snakes on a Plane, contains the frank depiction of snakes on a plane. The weirdoes in Hollywood may think this makes for entertainment, but, after less than 103 years since the invention of the plane, less than 58 years since the birth of Samuel L. Jackson, and less the 100 million years since the creation of snakes, it is just too soon for a movie combining the three.
We all know there can be – and probably are – snakes on planes. Is there even one reader of this editorial who hasn’t lost a friend or relative to lethal snake bites while he or she was on a plane? Probably a few of you have barely survived on-flight snake attacks yourselves. Thus, it is such a galling insensitivity of the Hollywood elite (who fly in their snake-free first class) to think that snakes on a plane actually passes as entertainment. As someone who once fell asleep on a flight to wake with a boa constrictor trying to crush me, I can tell you it is not entertaining at all.
And think about the snakes. After being used as a vessel of Satan to damn man from paradise – a story recounted in a best-selling book and known to every American – snakes have worked hard to overcome bad publicity. Just when they thought they had finally reached a point where they can live in harmony with the rest of America, now comes a movie once again depicting them as the villains. Did Hollyweird even consider the backlash against snakes – the majority of whom would never harm anyone and actually benefit society by controlling the rodent population? No, the left-coast only cares about a few cheap thrills and the millions of dollars they can make through exploiting tragedy.
At least there is some wisdom in Samuel L. Jackson’s already famous line from the movie: “I want these THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMane.
Or add a Chuck Norris cameo.
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us. He is also the author of such books as “Engine Failure, Cougars, and No Leg Room: A Frank Guide to Surviving Coach” and “Our Friends, the Snakes: Don’t Hate Them Because They’re Thin”.
“snakes, it is just too soon for a movie combing the three.”
How do you comb a snake? Medusa maybe…
Dude, that was brilliant. But CLEAN UP THE SPELLING SO I CAN SHOW PEOPLE. I mean, Frank’s been around some years, and keyboards have been around longer, but is it too soon to expect fewer typos? I hope not. It’s just painful because it’s sooo damn good. Like a supermodel with a booger on her lip.
Kent,
E-mail me the typos. It’s hard to type something and then immediately proof it afterwards.
I get it…you aren’t REALLY talking about “snakes” on a plane…wink…wink… You are actually complaining about those male stewards named Bruce that are WAY too friendly and snakes are “symbolic”, right? Or am I the homophobe…not that there’s anything wrong with that…
I don’t know Frank.
It sounds like a lame sequel to the old ‘Peanuts on a Plane’ movie.
Now that was frightening. The pilots accidentally got that peanut butter on them in the John. They both had an alergic reaction. The stewardess had to clear their airways to keep them alive, and all they could get was some passenger in a clown suit to fly the plane. Talk about suspense. I was at the edge of my seat the whole move. Who would have known the hero in the clown suit was former pilot who had his license taken away for heavy drinking on the job.
‘Peanuts on a Plane’
Yes that was one of my stupid bits.
Way, way too soon for this guy.
Frank, here’s a history lesson for you:
Don’t forget that an actor snake named Grayson O’Malley played the role of “Reggie” — the snake who was in a plane in the beginning of Indiana Jones and the Raiders of The Lost Ark.
When Harrison Ford’s character discovered the existence of “Reggie” he threw him out of the plane. In that scene, the part of “Reggie” was played by the stunt snake named Emmit Clott, who I heard was angry about having to shave his mullet to play the part of “divebombing Reggie.” He wasn’t allowed to wear any mesh shirts or give any ‘shout-outs’ to his friends back at the pit. And even though Emmit found those conditions unsatisfactory, he needed the work and took the job. If I remember correctly, he was in debt because his fiancé, Lurleen, had just flushed her dentures down the toilet after getting sick from drinking hunch punch cut with rubbing alcohol.
That was good, Granddaddy.
“Snakes on a Plane”
— Even the title says summer blockbuster. I’ve been so patient with Hollywood putting out one pathetic film after another. Finally something to look forward too. If only, I went to the movies.
And with Samuel L. Jackson, the king of the well timed and well delivered @#$% word. When he says it, it sounds like something you could say to your grandmother.
After his demise in the classic scene in “Deep Blue Sea,” I wonder how the snakes will get Jackson.
Why don’t the airlines have snake detectors?
I’ve been looking forward to this movie since I first heard of it. Even if it sucks, I’ll still enjoy it just to hear SLJ utter such a fabulous line.
Plus I got my SoaP shirt today.
“Why don’t the airlines have snake detectors?”
That’s a major problem.
All you would need to do is shove about 10 pounds of C4 down a snakes throat and your home free. Nobody will say a thing. If the sniffer dogs get interested just blame all the barking on natural instinct.
If you think just carrying the snake with your take on baggage is too obvious you can always stuff it down your pants.
If the security people give you a funny look just blush sheepishly.
Will the snakes be humanized? I don’t like multi-culti relativism.
Screw the Chuck Norris facts. Go with the Jack Bauer facts.
They’re not snakes on a plane; they’re just undocumented reptilian airline travelers.
Hey Hollywood Grind has the Paris Hilton Stars are Blind VIDEO, not just the audio they posted earlier.
Watch the Video
Don’t see what the big deal is about snakes on planes. Lawyers and politicians have to travel too.