Apparently lots of places in America where I don’t live are getting flooded. Thus, I had my crack research team find out all they can about floods to help you wet citizens out there.
FUN FACTS ABOUT FLOODS
* A flood is when there’s a lot of water where you don’t want it to be. That distinguishes it from a lake… unless you really hate the lake.
* God invented the flood when He got all mad at people. It’s just like when I invented the earthquake when I got mad at an ant farm.
* Floods can be cause by lots of rain, a dam breaking, or when two hydrogen bombs collide with an oxygen bomb.
* Some scientists and one crazy ex-VP say that global warming could melt the polar ice caps causing huge floods throughout the world. That’s stupid. How would the water from the poles get all the way over here?
* Lax border laws can lead to a flood of immigrants, but this doesn’t cause as much water damage. It does cause more Mexican damage, though.
* Most homeowners insurance doesn’t cover flood damage since that’s actually likely to happen (unlike what insurance usually covers: fire, earthquakes, and Godzilla).
* Your insurance might cover Mexican damage, though.
* If it starts to flood, the safest place to be is in your car. Come on; it’s not like some splishy-splash water can actually move a big metal car!
* If you think you see a flood, call the police. They’ll come and kill it with their shotguns. Pow! Pow!
* A flash flood is a sudden flood that comes at you really fast. How fast? At the speed of water, that’s how fast!
* Many people say to get to high ground if it’s flooding, but that just makes it easier for the flood to spot you and plot your doom.
* If you see water collecting in once place, it soon could become a flood. Attack the water with its greatest weakness: silver bullets.
* Water will also shrivel up and die in contact with sunlight. If it’s a lot of water, though, it could take a while.
* The number one cause of floods: Karl Rove.
* A flood, much like the Madagascar Brush Warbler, has no stated views on nuclear proliferation.
* In a fight between Aquaman and a flood, Aquaman would swim around in the flood waters. So Aquaman probably wouldn’t be killed by a flood; I guess we should start him a fan club now.
* Scientists say that, if you’re making a movie about a flood, make sure to have Morgan Freeman in it so it’s not completely worthless.
so’s the Morgan Freeman thing. YES!
REASONS FOR THE “FLOOD”
Genesis chapter 6 gives four reasons why God sent the Flood:
1. ‘The wickedness of man was great in the earth’ (v. 5).
2. ‘Every imagination of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually’ (v. 5).
3. ‘The earth was filled with violence’ (v. 11).
4. ‘The earth…was corrupt; for all flesh had corrupted his way upon the earth’ (v. 12). (All the people on earth had corrupted their way.)
If you look at the four reasons, they all acurately describe the DNC. Coincidence? I don’t think so! So that’s why liberals hate God and religion so much. It was the flood!
(There is no evidence that Morgan Freeman was on the Ark. Maybe Frank’s crack staff can check that out)
i too relished the hydrogen/oxygen bomb joke. i’m glad the DNC ain’t that clever, we’d be socializt by now if they were!
I hate to follow the crowd but the hydrogen bomb joke was classic.
I’m not sure about the crack research staff thing though. Do they research crack? Whose crack? Is this a jobs program for MFL?
Great post Frank.
finally a win for aquaman!! And how bad could a flood be if aquaman could beat one…
What, a post about floods being the enemy without a reference to “The Flood” from Halo?
For shame!
Yeah, a Halo ref would have been good, and the bomb thing is classic, but my fave is the bit about high ground and the waters spotting you to plot your doom. You just picture the waves about your rooftop haven saying, “when the tide comes in, you’re going down, sucker”.
So you know, Doom, Halo – got a first person shooter reference in there somewhere, at least.
pérolas a porcos
Phobos,
Do not give what is holy to dogs, and do not throw your pearls before swine, or they will trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces.
Matthew 7:6 (New American Standard Bible)