With all of the panicked shrieking about Hurricane Season in the media, down here in Houston we don’t need any stinking named storms to cripple the city’s infrastructure. Dump ten inches of rain on the place during your morning commute, and you’ve got the makings for a boatload of fun… without the boat!
With all that in mind, we should look at this “rain” thing more closely to see the true nature of this flash flood of threats this phenomenon presents…
FUN FACTS ABOUT RAIN
* Rain is made from water, cereal fillers, artificial preservatives, and is sponsored by the Nike Corporation.
* Credence Clearwater Revival had a #1 hit song with “Who’ll StopThe Rain?” However, the secret of who would actually stop the rain remains in legal limbo after an acrimonious split between John Fogarty and the other band members.
* In The Bible, it rained for forty days and forty nights to produce The Great Flood. In fact, NOAA and Noah sound alike is not a coincidence. NOAA gets all of its updates from God, and it’s His voice you hear in the Emergency Alert broadcasts.
* Alternatively, Carl Castle from NPR is the Voice Of Satan.
* Isaac Newton discovered gravity because of an apple falling on his head because he lived where it never, ever rained. Or, when it did, he’d just pass it off as “A mild sunsweat” or “God is crying because we’re all wearing such silly wigs.”
* The California Department of Education will be updating the old joke “April Showers Bring May Flowers, But What Do May Flowers bring?” to include a diversity-friendly historical-context punchline of “Genocidal White European Colonial Occupiers.” which isn’t all that funny.
* Neither is this Know Thy Enemy, I must admit.
* Rain is an anagram of Iran. However, we have no military plans to invade and press regime change in rain.
* Yet.
* In a fight between rain and Aquaman… hold on a minute… rain is water… Aquaman’s powers work with water… I think we may have a draw here.
* Rain Phoenix is the younger sister of River Phoenix. She can beat up Aquaman.
* (Whew. That was a close one.)
* The word rain comes from the Middle English, which in turn comes from Old English word “regn.” The Old English “regn” itself comes from Extremely Old English, which was nothing but a series of grunts and shrieks. (Occasionally used by its last remaining native-speaker, Rolling Stones bandmember Keith Richards)
* Acid Rain is when sulfur oxides and nitrogen oxides in air pollution become trapped in storm clouds, causing an acidic rainfall which damages crops, houses, and your stuff that’s been thrown out in the street after your girlfriend catches you making time with the girl at the Hardee’s counter.
* Rain Dances were ceremonies performed by Native Americans to appease the Rain Gods to bring rain for their crops. Baptist Native Americans were prohibited from participating in the sinful act of dancing until the arrival of Kevin Bacon The Liberator.
* Mount Waialeale, Hawaii has the heaviest annual rainfall in the United States, with 476 inches of rain every year. Attempts to field a professional baseball team have always failed due to rainouts, and minor-league team startups never seem to have the funds to construct a domed venue for playing.
* The term “raining cats and dogs” refers to a very heavy rain, but it also affords one the opportunity to watch the falling cats land on their feet while the dogs pretty much tumble randomly and splatter.
nice… very funny. but this sentece
“Baptist Native Americans, who were prohibited from participating in the sinful act of dancing until the arrival of Kevin Bacon The Liberator.”
makes no sense. did you mean to put in the word “who”?
You forgot to mention that it is George Bush’s fault for the heavy rain and the flooding. Nancy Pelosi is considering a campaign to outlaw heavy rain . . .
Did you live in Houston in August of ’79? The unofficial rainfall in Alvin (where I lived at the time) was 24 inches in 24 hours. That caused a small flood. My grandmother decided to leave her place when the water got to about 4 feet deep – in her kitchen.
where do you sign up to get the emergency relief debit cards?
Who told you about Hardee’s? I have an alibi!
So, what are you going to buy with your FEMA money? Pr0n? A sex change? One of those freaky things where you have “whiskers” implanted in your cheeks so you look like a cat?
I think Rain Phoenix can also beat up River Phoenix, but she’d need a shovel to prove it.
It’s time for someone in the Party of Disinformation to float (pun intended) a amendment to the constitution outlawing flooding and by extension rain of any-kind, shape or name.
That’ll show mother nature. They should also attach a fine schedule and jail time as well. After all rain should not expect to get away with all the damage and destruction it’s been up to lately.
After all, this is America, we are all victims and SOMEBODY’S GOT TO PAY.
Rain is a problem that can easily be fixed with more tax dollars and with more Democrats in the government, comrade! Democrats will fix this problem by first declaring rain not good for the “collective” and then by declaring that those that have too much rain will have to give their rain to those that don’t have enough rain to the government…err…oh…wait…that doesn’t work…what…you mean we can’t tax rain? Well what the hell do we care about rain then…boy? Go find me something that we can tax! Dammit!
the falling cats land on their feet while the dogs pretty much tumble randomly and splatter.
It’s a myth that cats always land on their feet. I was house-sitting for my neighbor last week, and I discovered that, if I used the right twist while tossing her cat, it would land on its head more than half the time.
I don’t know if Carl Castle is the voice of Satan, but I do know that someone suspiciously named Lou C. Ferr is some kind of major NPR sponsor. I hear his name on NPR all the time.
Houston is Hell,but with water.
Laurence, your lies make the baby jesus cry.