If you’ve paid attention to the news, you may have noticed that there are two Koreas. Odd, but true. One China, one Japan, but two completely separate Koreas. Did they both accidentally name themselves Korea without hearing about the other? Unlikely, since these two different Koreas are right next to each other. So are they completely alike? No. Despite one huge similarity – being full of Koreans – they are quite different, and, if I had to choose just one to keep, I’d pick the southernmost Korea.

 The southernmost Korea is very nice. In fact, they’re our friends. They let us keep military bases there, which is very nice since, having a Marine brother, I know firsthand how drunken and disorderly U.S. troops tend to be (can I get an “Ooh-rah!”). Also, they have their own electronic companies to compete against the greedy Japanese (greedy like us; that’s why they’re our friends too). The southernmost Korea also made my Hyundai Santa Fe which is a very nice mid-size SUV that was cheap and came with a ten year bumper-to-bumper warranty. Finally, it’s the Koreas in the south who animate The Simpsons. Though The Simpsons aren’t as good as they used to be, the animation has only gotten even better.

 The Koreans to the north are not very nice, though. They make no electronics, no cars, and animate no shows. The only thing they export is threats of nuclear death, which is not very nice at all. Their leader is a pudgy man with poofy hair – poofy hair being the universal symbol of tyranny. Sometime, I wish those Koreas to the north would just die – and many do because they are starving. I hate starving people. Starving people are impossible to talk to while eating you’re eating a bag of chips because they’re always like, “Could I please have some of your chips? I am so hungry!” You try and change the subject, but they won’t let up on asking for your chips. Those are my chips; I bought them! Get away from me, you hungry Korean!

 You may say, “You make the Korea to the south sound so good and the one to the north sound so bad as to make it obvious which one I should like more, but isn’t it true that the Korea to the south supports slavery.” Well, you are mistaken. You are mixing up the southernmost Korea with the South from the American Civil War. What I do hear about southern Korea that is bad is that they eat dogs. That is wrong. Dog are not for eating; dogs are for hugging and biting bad people – bad people who eat dogs, perhaps. Then again, the Korea to the north will eat not just dogs but anything at all because they are so hungry. I hate hungry people! Another thing you may have heard about the southernmost Korea is they are a democracy, and I know you can name all the things wrong with democracy. But the Korea to the north is Communist, and Communism is nothing but one big wrong. For the leaders of the Korea in the north to pick Communism was just as dumb and bad as to pick having a poofy hairstyle.

 Now, if someone asks you which Korea you like better, you can say you like the southernmost one and give informed reasons as why. If they person you are talking to keeps arguing that the other is better, though, just tell him, “The northernmost Korea killed my father.” That will shut him up. It may be a lie, but the important thing is you’ll win the argument.
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us. He is also the author of such books as “North Is Up: A Frank Guide to Geography” and “A Tree Killed My Father: Why I’m Against Saving the Environment”.