Since we started the war on terror, we have killed many terrorists. Still, there are many more terrorists out there. And, the terrorists we think we killed with guns or bombs, how can we be sure they are dead? Even if we are sure they’re dead, how can we know they won’t come back as terrorist zombies? The solution to this is obvious: we need some sort of ray to make their heads explode.
Such a ray is quite possible to build. There is a thing called “resonance frequency” – this is a real thing I have not made up but heard from very scientifical people. If a resonance frequency of an object is reached, it vibrates and explodes. All that is needed to be done is to find the resonance frequency of terrorist heads. For this, I will need heads to experiment on. Once said frequency is found, building the ray will be easy because I have already drawn the design on a napkin (ironically, that design is so complex that, were you to try and understand it, your head would explode). Why did I use a napkin when perfectly good paper was nearby? Because napkins have a special texture good for bringing out thought. Smart people like me know this.
Once I have the resonance frequency and millions of government dollars, I will build the head-exploding ray. Then fighting terrorists will be easy. First, we must find them. This is also easy. In a crowded area, yell, “Hey! Terrorists!” Whoever turns to answer must be terrorists. Explode their heads with ray. Soon terrorists will learn that terrorism means an exploded head. Some may still be terrorists thinking they will get 72 virgins when they go to paradise after their heads explode, but we will find the terrorists paradise and explode the virgins heads too! Nowhere is safe from the head-exploding ray!
You may worry that the head-exploding ray will fall into the wrong hands. I worry about this too, so it will be designed with sensors to tell whether “wrong” or “right” hands are holding it. If it is in the wrong hands, it will emit an annoying buzzing sounds so that the person who has it will be like, “I really want to explode heads for the cause of evil, but that sounds is just too annoying. Foiled once again by the genius of Frank J.!”
As you see, my plan is perfect. You are probably now worried that my intellect is so great that I can destroy cities with my mind. This is a legitimate worry. A while ago, I thought about New Orleans, and look what happened to it. Luckily, I have a short attention span, so I can’t think about anything for too long so as to totally destroy something.
That reminds me! I have another idea to fight terrorists. As we all know, terrorists shrivel up and die when they come in contact with ham. Thus, I have designs for a device that flings hams – a device I call the ham-flinger. It is so complex, the designs had to be written on toilet paper because even a napkin could not hold such genius. I would like to describe it to you, but the English language is inadequate to properly describe something so complicated as the ham-flinger. I would have to invent my own language to tell you about it, and it would take you the rest of your life to learn the language so I could then tell you about the ham-flinger. So, instead of worrying about how the ham-flinger works, just rest assured that Frank J. is out there building something that flings ham.
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us. He is also the author of such books as “Monkeys Bite! – A Guide to Monkeys” and “This Book Is Too Complicated for You to Understand”.
Frank: Is it possible that you could develop a ray gun that explodes terrorist’s heads and flings ham. You know, sort of like the M-i6 with the grenade launcher attached underneath. This would provide a double whammy against terrorism that could only be illustrated on pampers linings.
POST SOMETHING FUNNY!
This just moon lazer revisited.
Ohhh me Frank J, me blow up terrorists with lazer/moon/hot dog/other kind of lazer/head vibrator so I can milk the same post a thousand times. Actually 2 times.
Bushitler! He is the biggest terrorist in the world. And by the way, I am not gay. Just dapper. Being dapper doesn’t make you gay. Sure I have some gay friends, but I don’t sleep with them. Much. But anyway, flinging ham may insult Jews FrankJ: Are you aware that such a ray would of course destroy President, who all deserve to die anyway since they are all terrorists. Except the gay Jews, who can be salvaged. Not that I care about the gay Jews. Much. And I am not angry. Sometimes I get ticked off when someone disagrees with me, or calls me gay. Saying ticked off instead of pissed off is not gay. It is just civil. And I am all about being civil. Not gay.
Your website can’t compare to mine. I get billions of hits very day, by the most intelligent and influential people in the world. Pffft. Who do you get? No one, even gays I suspect. And you’re not even funny. Now Ellen Degeneres is funny. So is that Carrot Top fellow. But he’s not gay. Just dapper.
By the way, can you get me Monkey Faced Liberals phone number? I’d like to call him. Not to ask him out on a date or anything, because I am not gay. Much. I’m just dapper.
I had to post this again becasue your lame little web site couldn’t handle my post.
FrankJ: Are you aware that such a ray would of course destroy President Bushitler! He is the biggest terrorist in the world. And by the way, I am not gay. Just dapper. Being dapper doesn’t make you gay. Sure I have some gay friends, but I don’t sleep with them. Much. But anyway, flinging ham may insult Jews, who all deserve to die anyway since they are all terrorists. Except the gay Jews, who can be salvaged. Not that I care about the gay Jews. Much. And I am not angry. Sometimes I get ticked off when someone disagrees with me, or calls me gay. Saying ticked off instead of pissed off is not gay. It is just civil. And I am all about being civil. Not gay.
Your website can’t compare to mine. I get billions of hits very day, by the most intelligent and influential people in the world. Pffft. Who do you get? No one, even gays I suspect. And you’re not even funny. Now Ellen Degeneres is funny. So is that Carrot Top fellow. But he’s not gay. Just dapper.
By the way, can you get me Monkey Faced Liberals phone number? I’d like to call him. Not to ask him out on a date or anything, because I am not gay. Much. I’m just dapper.
PS Maybe my male secretary didn’t run grammar/spell check, but maybe not. He is not gay either.
Frank J – I never thought I’d say it, but you are getting to be about as treasonous as the New York Times. You saw the Zarqawi video. Did you see a 500-pounder? Exactly why wouldn’t you see something the size of a VW Golf hit a house? Because it was the moon-based-terrorist-zombie-head-resonating-death-ray, that’s why! Way to go, Nimrod! Now they’ll all be wearing tin-foil hats like the KOS kids! This campaign of exposing secret terrorist exploding devices that you’ve been waging must stop!
Frank, you are on to something…or you’re on something…but have you considered a combo platter…like a ham thrower AND head exploding ray? See, first you throw unclean ham on Abdul and then you blow his head up! Then he goes in front of Allah all ready for his 72 virgins and well he’s “unclean” and he then get’s sent to whatever these people believe is the bad place. I personally hope that if someone is discovered in front of “Allah” covered in ham with a blown up head, they become the biatch for 72 virgins…males that is… And why haven’t you given some thought to say Tehran?
// Once I have the resonance frequency and millions of government dollars, I will build the head-exploding ray. //
You have to claim to be a disabled, minority, single mother with AIDs and 2 or more children as well as a registered democrat to get funding for this kind of project FrankJ, and the rest of us Republicans are too poor to donate more than it costs to buy your t-shirts and upcoming book. Sorry man, otherwise it was a fun idea.
You try that yodelin’ song from Mars Attacks. Might need to adjust the frequencies a little.
As long as it doesn’t fling SPAM, we already deal with more than enough of that.
There is only one God and maybe He is Allah, and Jesus, the damned jew, is maybe his papa.
Sallam Aleikum
Echelon contribution: uxo, nsa, bilderberger, MJ 12, H5N1.
Unfortunately, the incredible head exploding vibrator is not always fatal (see the previous post for proof).
Hehe, maybe a focused microwave could do some head exploding? The Japanese experimented with it during WWII
“Soon terrorists will learn that terrorism means an exploded head.”
Very funny post as usual Frank. However, I would say that they do this already to themselves on a daily basis.
Hey, now I understand why SarahJ has been having those headaches. Your mind-rays are already having their unintended (I hope) effect. The only way to alleviate this problem is for you to completely STOP thinking as soon as you come through the front door. Most married men do this at the very moment they say “I do”, but you’re exceptionally super-brilliant, so I’m guessing it didn’t affect you the same way.
If you love her, you’ll do this.
What if the Hamburgler(TM) stole the Hamflinger(TM)? The potential for destruction could . . .
Well, words fail me. But, did you think about that, Mr. Super Smarty-pants? Hmmmmm?
I didn’t know that Kos was gay.