Carnival Of Comedy Reminder

I want you! To pull my finger.
This should be on a T-Shirt?
Steve the Pirate will be hosting thje carnival of comedy TOMORROW!
Get those entries in to here, or here!

Is this Spam?

I was checking my inbox when I came across the following…

Continue reading ‘Is this Spam?’ »

A Story, Bit by Bit
Hellbender: Part 11 – The Personal and the Professional

BEGINNING OF STORY
PREVIOUS (PART 10)


Bryce quickly ducked into an alleyway for cover with Lulu and Charlene following; Charlene pulled along Doug, who had reacted to the shooting by standing still and looking around with confusion.
“That was a warning shot!” yelled a voice that Doug recognized as the goonette he had failed to hit with a pipe.
“They always say that when they miss,” Charlene said.
Lulu frowned. “I didn’t think we’d be getting shot at this early.”
“It’s goons,” Doug said. “They’re after Bryce. I hit one in the head with a pipe, but the other got away and came back, I guess.”
“Goons?” Charlene sighed and moved to the edge of the alleyway exit. “Anyway, I spotted four of them in an old store front… one with a rifle. Give me a gun and I’ll take care of them.”
“No guns.” Bryce pulled Charlene back and placed himself nearer the end of the alleyway. “This is a personal matter completely unrelated to our mission… well, mainly unrelated. Anyway, I’ll handle this.” He turned to face out of the alleyway without exposing himself. “Hey! Sharon! Let’s try to resolve this peacefully before it ends in a way that we both regret!”
“Shannon,” Doug corrected him.
Bryce thought for a moment. “Are you sure?”
More bullets struck the edge of the alleyway, spraying pieces of concrete everywhere. “You don’t even remember my name?” Shannon shouted.
“Well… I’m bad with names… always have been, really. Still, I think we can be professional about this. I know that your boss wants me alive.”
“Yes, but we don’t!” answered a different female voice.
Bryce looked worried. “Charlene, did you happen to notice if all four were women?”
“Didn’t get a good view, but they could have been. What’s this all about?”
Bryce ignored the question. “This could be bad.”
“You said you love me!” yelled a third female voice.
Bryce was sweating. “Well… uh… in my defense… um… I thought it was clear from the context that I only said that to get you to sleep with me.”
Doug covered his ears in anticipation of more gunfire. After the bullets hit the wall and pavement outside the alley, Charlene turned to Lulu. “You see who we’ve gotten involved with?”
“That’s why I’m in charge.”
Doug tapped Bryce on the shoulder. “You know, you’ve occasionally gotten normal women to try and kill you, so maybe you should be more careful around women hired to kill people.”
“At least I’m getting some action, Doug, so shut up.”
“Enough.” Charlene reached in Doug’s jacket and pulled out his gun. She then leaned out of the alley and fired off a shot.
“That almost hit me in the head!” Shannon screamed.
Charlene looked at the pistol in her hand with distaste. “I need something more accurate for this range.”
“That was a warning shot!” Bryce shouted to the jilted goons. “I’m currently with a bunch of heavily armed mercenaries, so maybe this isn’t the best time to talk.”
Lulu moved towards the alleyway exit. “This is Madam Liu, leader of the mercenary group…” She turned to the others and whispered, “We really need a name for our new mercenary group.”
Doug knew the answer to that one. “Hellbender.”
“Ooh! I like that!” Lulu faced the alleyway exit. “…the mercenary group Hellbender! Don’t make us kill you… because we really will. If you have a problem with Bryce, why don’t you get together and put your thoughts down in a letter and mail that to him. You’ll feel a lot better afterwards.”
Charlene rolled her eyes. “You really told them.”
“This isn’t over, Hellbender!” Shannon shouted back. “You’ve gained the wrath of Dante Ridge by protecting Bryce, and we’ll see you all dead!”
“Okay. Toodles.” Lulu leaned out of the alleyway to take a look. “I think they left. See. I saved us all; that’s why I’m the leader.”
Charlene glared at Bryce. “Dante Ridge! Isn’t he the biggest crime lord out there?”
“Well, that varies by what measure you go by. I mean… physically, he isn’t the biggest.”
Charlene grabbed Bryce and placed her pistol barrel at his chin. “What have you gotten us into?”
“Nothing! To do the necessary research to get us this mission, I had to get some information from some existing criminal organizations. I might have stepped on a few toes and had personal relations with a few female goons, but that’s my problem. I’ll take care of it.”
Lulu pulled the two apart. “Calm down, Charlene, or I’m taking away the gun. I think it’s pretty cool that we already have an enemy when we’ve only been a mercenary group for a couple minutes. Go Hellbender!”
“This isn’t a game, Lulu! And what in the world does ‘Hellbender’ mean?”
“It’s a type of salamander,” Doug explained. “I saw the name once in a book and thought it would make a great name for a rock band. Since I never joined a rock band, while we were getting shot at I thought it might also make a great name for a mercenary group.”
Charlene stared at Doug until he became uncomfortable.
“A salamander is like lizard but wetter,” he said sheepishly.
Charlene shook her head as she put away the pistol. “I know what a salamander is. I was supposed to be smarter than to ever get involved in something like this.”
Bryce fixed his suit. “Cheer up. This will turn out great; I promise. Let’s get some dinner, and then we can head to a building I’ve acquired that we can use as headquarters.”
Lulu smiled. “Hellbender headquarters! Awesome!”
Dinner ended up being Chinese takeout, and Hellbender headquarters was a ramshackle building on the edge of town that looked to be one step away from being marked for demolition. At least this time Bryce used a key to get in the door. Inside, it appeared to be a long-abandoned office building with a thick coat of dust and cobwebs on all the furniture. Lulu was ecstatic and immediately began suggesting ideas for renovations. Charlene quickly cleaned off one table and looked through the data Bryce had gotten from the exploded robot that hired them. Once Doug had his fill of rice and noodles, he lost interest in the discussion of different tactical methods to infiltrate the Asmod research building, as it mainly went over his head. He figured they’d tell him what to do when they settled on something, so he left the three to plan while he went to get some sleep. He plopped down on an old sofa, coughed for a couple seconds from the dust that was upturned, and then closed his eyes.
Next thing Doug knew, he was hanging upside down and looking at a familiar face.
“Hello once again, Doug.”
NEXT

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Help Save Science Fiction at Jim Baen’s Universe!
(NOTE: Frank J.’s hastily hacked together stories are in no way supported or condoned by Baen)

You and Your Diary Are Next, Anne Frank!

This website is now number five for a Google search of “Frank.” Soon, I’ll be the most popular Frank in all the internets, and the world will be mine!

In My World: Dong!

“Dong! Dong! Dong!”
“What is it, Dear Leader?” asked Kim Jong Il’s aide.
“We launch Taepodong missile now! We show world we mighty!”
“But I don’t think the missile is ready for–”
“Show them my dong! Dong! Dong! Dong!”
“Fine! Will launch the missile! Just stop saying, ‘Dong.'” The aide gave a motion to the missile command, and they commenced launching a missile.
Jong rubbed his grubby hands together. “Hee hee hee! Now all the world will fear my dong! First, I must get my hair poofier! They will fear me when my hair is poofy and they see my dong! Poofier! Poofier! Dong! Dong!”
“I can’t make it any poofier!” cried Jong’s hair stylist. “If it gets any more poofy, the static electricity it would generate could set off the nuclear warheads and kill us all!”
“Poofier! Dong! Dong! Dong!”
The aide got off the phone. “That was the Chinese. They say they want their trains back. Did you steal the trains the Chinese sent their aid on?”
“No steal! Trains are part of aid! Trains are ours!”
“I know we need more trains, but, if we keep taking the Chinese trains, they won’t send anymore aid.”
“They will do what we tell them when they see my dong! Launch another Taepodong! Dong! Dong! Dong! Dong! Do–”
“Okay! Please just stop saying, ‘Dong.'” The aide motioned to missile command to launch another missile.
“Hee hee hee! All will see my dong and cower!”


Bush watched the sky with binoculars and started giggling. “Know what the North Koreans call these?”
“The missiles?” Condoleezza Rice asked.
“Yeah. They call them ‘Taepo.'” Bush laughed some more. “What the hell kind of name is that?”
“I believe it’s a Korean name.”
Bush thought about that. “I guess that makes sense, then. So, can we shoot down the missiles?”
“What I’m hearing from the military commanders is that they’re falling harmlessly into the sea too fast for us to shoot them down.”
Bush considered that. “So you’re saying we’re impotent to shoot down the North Korean’s impotent missiles?”
Condi giggled. “Do you realize you just called Kim Jong Il’s dong ‘impotent’?”
Bush stared at her. “I don’t get it.”

Ken Lay

Q: Of all of his crimes against his fellow man, what will former Enron CEO Ken Lay be remembered for the most?

Continue reading ‘Ken Lay’ »

Half-Assed Protests

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)
Cindy Sheehan & Code Pink have started their “Bring the Troops Home Fast”, where – in exchange for the following demands:

* The withdrawal of all U.S. from Iraq;
* No permanent bases in Iraq;
* A commitment to fund a massive reconstruction effort but with funds going to Iraqi, not U.S., contractors.

they promise to eat regular meals.
Amusingly, Sheehan’s idea of a “fast” isn’t the normal one of “no food, just water”. It’s “a diet of water, teas and juices“. Possibly the occasional Wendy’s Frostie, too, although I don’t know if soquids are allowed.
And for those who aren’t even willing to give up solid foods – no problem! You can join in the “rolling fast”, where you only stop eating on designated days. Yes, you too can share quality hunger-time with such celebrities as Susan Sarandon, Sean Penn, Danny Glover, Willie Nelson and the Rev. Al Sharpton.
“Stop eating on a designated day”? Guess what, Lefty Idiots, that’s not fasting, that’s DIETING. Of course “Bring the Troops Home Diet” just doesn’t have that martyr-like ring to it.
I imagine, however that this “fasting with food” concept will probably inspire other weak, watered-down protest efforts that require no real sacrifice and have catchy names and the phrase “for the Troops” added so it sounds like they’re doing something noble. Maybe protests like:


Poop for the Troops – Use the toilet but refuse to flush.
Death March for the Troops – Don’t use your remote control. Walk up to the TV and change channels manually.
Fine for the Troops – Return your library books late.
Hubble for the Troops – When you take vacation pictures, make them slightly blurry.
Hobble for the Troops – Walk around your house barefoot until you stub your toe on a piece of furniture.
Fresh Step for the Troops – Go an extra day before cleaning your cat’s litter box.
Get Moore-On for the Troops – Just keep eating until you’re as fat as Michael Moore. If you’re already there, shoot for Ted Kennedy.
Matte Finish for the Troops – Next time you wash your car, don’t wax it.
Agent Orange for the Troops – Stand on the grass right next to a “Keep off the Grass” sign. Move along smartly as soon as a cop yells at you so that you don’t actually get into any trouble.
Butterfatless for the Troops – Switch to skim milk.
Burning in the Flaming Cauldron of the Desert Heat for the Troops – Set your central air one degree higher than normal.


Myself, I’ll be participating in “Stifle the Dissent of Stupid Neo-Hippies for the Troops” where I’ll be mercilessly violating the free speech rights of anonymous trolls by editing their comments to make them look stupid…er.

Roast Reminder

Pay homage to The Great and Powerful Frank J. by submitting your entry to The IMAO 4th Blogiversary Frank J. Roast Round-up
Put your permalink in the comments, or e-mail to roastfrankj@gmail.com by 11:59 pm Saturday, July 8th
Those who do not submit an entry will be placed on the IMAO Enemies List. Probably somewhere between monkeys and liberals.

Two Day Week!

And then a three-day weekend!
Yeah, you wish you were me, but only I’m me.
Anyway, sorry for not posting for a while, but I hand a mini-vacation. I know I should have put up something for Independence Day, but I like to think that my postings everyday are my profession of a deep love for America. Actually, I’m so often professing my love for America that SarahK keeps shouting, “Stop talking about America.”
And when I said America’s name in bed the other day… well, that was awkward.
Where was I? Oh yeah, I’ll try and come up with some funny stuff now. Also, I’ll write some more parts to Hellbender. How many people are reading that? So far, I don’t think it’s turning out as well as Superego, but I’ll keep pushing through.
Be honorable, ronin.

Today’s Simpsons Trivia

(Introduction)


1) Travel agent Wally Kogen and Homer take many of the Springfield men on a trip to where?
2) Homer is amazed to see that there’s a character named after him on what TV show?
3) According to Apu, what Valentine’s Day drink should get you “pretty darned hammered”?
4) What company builds a cellular phone antenna site in Lisa’s bedroom?
Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.