Most people don’t realize that of all of the contributors here at IMAO, I’ve been here the longest.
Well, except for Frank J. But that goes without question. Because those that question it find themselves stuffed into Wal-Mart shopping carts and rolled across busy freeways. (When was the last time you saw a post by Rachel Lucas?)
Anyway, the guest-post from February 23, 2003 was a milestone in Frank J’s blogging achievements to show that:

• Guest-bloggers don’t have to wear his T-shirts.
• Guest-bloggers don’t have to all end up marrying him (ask Right Wing Duck about that Civil Union thing)
• Guest-bloggers back then didn’t do it for pay… they did it for the love of the game.

Ah, but the real secret to that post was the following:

Even the “endless” pasta bowl at the Olive Garden is just a metaphor, you know. They just keep bringing you different bowls.

Frank J. showed up on my doorstep that night, holding a .45 and a bottle of Jack Daniels, reeking of basil and toluene. Lighting struck in the background, which normally wouldn’t make sense because it was a nice sunny day, but weather’s weird here in Houston. You can have a bright sunshiny day and have a torrential downpour, finished off by locusts, frogs, and Mexicans who actually pay for their own healthcare services.
FRANKJ: Lair, I’ve got terrible news.
LAIR: Glenn Reynolds is really a robot?
FRANKJ: No, worse… come with me
So I went with him to the Olive Garden, and he and I both ordered the endless pasta bowls.
FRANKJ: Watch, as I mark this bowl with a permanent marker.
LAIR: That’s a breadstick you’re holding, Frank.
FRANKJ: Do not question the ninja master!
Seeing as how I had no desire to go skittering across I-45 in a child safety seat surrounded by a cheap aluminum frame, I didn’t just refrain from questioning Frank, but I refrained from ending sentences with question marks for the next month.
In the silence, he pulls out a marker, and marks the pasta bowl with a marker. Then, with one great tip of the bowl, he literally quaffs his Garlic And Olive Oil Ziti.
There was a bell on the table. He instructed me to ding it gently to summon the waiter.
FRANKJ: Alfredo Angel-hair, chop chop!
WAITER: Yes, sir.
LAIR: You know, I might try that, too…
FRANKJ: Silence, or I shall be pugilistic with you!
Which made no sense, since he had a broken bottle in one hand and a gun in the other. I mean, he was more likely to headbutt me or maybe kick me in the groin than to put down either object. (He had gone to the bathroom at some point, and neither object had left his clutches, making one wonder at the events in the intervening two minutes.)
I get distracted so easily. Where was I? Oh, and when the waiter returns, the bowl is placed before him.
FRANKJ: Look! Look, Hebrew glutton, and despair!
LAIR: Yeeeaaaarrrghhhh! You spilled hot paste on my lap.
FRANKJ: Look! The Mark! The bowl bears The Mark!
And sure enough, just as I had first-degree burns on my crotch and permanent stains on my trousers, the bowl had Frank’s marking on it.
FRANKJ: They use…. the same… BOWL!
I never did learn why FrankJ reeked of toluene as I ran screaming into the wilderness, but I have never went back to Olive Garden now that I know their hideous secret.
That mark still burns in my eyes. That hideous mark… that evil, wicked mark…
My eyes have seen the signposts along the shores of the River Styx, and I shall never order pasta again.

As everyone knows (and as I was informed by SarahK), today is the fourth blogiversary of IMAO. Yes, four whole years of blogging, and what do I have to show for it? Fame, money, creative fulfillment, and a wife… but other than that, this has been a complete and utter waste of time.
Oh, I also have about one thousand e-mails asking me what IMAO means (didn’t I say I was going to answer that once and for all about month ago?). Anyway, I’m tired and my head hurts, so I’ll blog tomorrow.
I probably should check what Harvey posted today… Oh, hell! I’ll get that rat bastard!

July 9th, 2002:

Hooray! A new blog! There’s lots of stuff I felt like spouting off about, so here I am. Just as a warning, everything written here is in the most unrefined form and should not be used as an actual opinion.

July 7th 2006:

Also, since a few people have asked, the next part of Hellbender will come out Monday. This part takes some planning, and, rather than rush it, I decided to leave it until next week.

Glad to see Frank J. hasn’t lost his talent for telling us what he’s going to write about instead of just… you know… writing about it.
Well, since Frank J. isn’t going to bother writing anything, let’s see how those who are less lazy – and less Frank J. – are celebrating the most important date in Florida’s history since the recount was invented:

The Blue Square suggests that Frank J.’s legendary animosity toward the Puppy Blender may be just a case of projection:
“So, Hitler was gay, Saddam is a nice guy inside, and, even worse, Frank J. blends puppies.”
Psycho’s Secret Asylum praises Frank J.’swit and handsomeness :
“fortunately for him he has a face made for blogging”
Well… his wit, anyway.
Remulak of The MoxArgon Group was going to just say nice things about Frank J, but decided to recap Frank J.’s life story instead, since:
“everybody else has probably used up all the most descriptive words like annoying, humourless, no-talent, time-wasting hack”
Vox Popular points out that in addition to Frank’s many fine qualities as a human being, he also gives back to the community:
“Without him, who would the makers of transsexual Romanian midget goat porn look down on?”
Passionate America traces Frank J.’s evolution from abandoned orphan-waif…:
“Frank killed his first hippie on his 14th birthday, in a fight over a warm ketchup packet and a half eaten pizza crust.”
…into a man who finally answers his heart’s true calling:
“This is what I was put on this earth to do, punch liberals in their dumb monkey faces.”
The Kag Report takes a closer look at Frank J. and makes several shocking discoveries, including:
“If you rearrange the letters F-R-A-N-K-J you get JFK RAN, which is obviously a plea to return to the glory days of the Democratic Party, so FrankJ is a closeted liberal.”
Case Notes from the Artsy Asylum refuses to commit anything to writing, but instead settles for making some insinuations in the comments to this post.
Blogless Reader HKPistole gives Frank J. an honor which I’ve yet to receive myself:
“You may inform FrankJ that I’ve named my .44Mag Super Blackhawk after him… it was either that or rename Betty (my AR)…”
Although I’ve heard a rumor that Frank J. once pointed to something Rowdi did on the carpet and said my name, so I guess that counts as an honor.
Ben’s Rants and Raves points out the obviously and overwhelming evidence proving Frank J.’s liberalism, including:
“…cats do nothing but lay around the house all day. In fact, by owning and feeding cats, Frank J. is promoting a welfare society.”
GEBIV of There’s One, Only! has a wide assortment of Fun Facts to help clarify your misconceptions about Frank J., including:
“Frank J’s site should not be confused with IMOW or IMOE. Which are, respectively, about lawn care and the leader of The Three Stooges.”
Shoot a Liberal is certain that Frank J. is just faking the whole neo-con thing:
“Frank J. is no more a conservative than Michael Moore is a fashion model.”
Conservathink ponders on the origins of Frank J’s blogging:
“A horrid force, as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and suddenly silenced, swept through the world, snuffing out the lives of countless monkeys.”
I (Harvey, posting from Bad Example) give you a brief glimpse of what it’s like to be part of the IMAO team and to work for the Imperial Humor Master, Frank J.:
“When Frank J. refers to the “IMAO Editorial Board”, he’s actually talking about the two by four that he beats us with while screaming “WRITE FUNNIER!””
Reader Silicon Valley Jim e-mails:
I’ve been a regular reader of IMAO for about three years now. It always brightens my day. No matter how bad I feel, IMAO cheers me up. Laughter is important, and Frank, from puppy-blending to the President in Curious George pajamas, has made me laugh, day after day. Happy fourth anniversary, and best wishes for many more.
UPDATE 7-10-06: Fellow IMAO serf Spacemonkey of insists that Frank isn’t a tight-fisted cheap-ass, he’s just frugal:
“Well I’ll tell you, for several months when pay day has come around I’ve received a full envelope from Frank J. It’s my pay and it’s coupons for a variety of bladder control products.”

The following are some random pictures, courtesy of SarahK, which I’ve numbered so that you can caption them in the comments and show Frank J. how much you love him.
Or love to make fun of him. Same thing.

#1:

“Hmmm… if I put this sunscreen on my socks, maybe they’ll stay blinding white like my skin.”
#2:

Frank J. toils in service to his feline master
#3:

“I’m Dan Rather and I guarantee that these memos are GENUINE!”
#4:

Frank J. wrote, directed, and starred in this… ahem… completely original film: “The Good, The Bad, and the Frankly”.
#5:

“I stood behind my beloved Frank J., wishing that I knew how to quit him”
#6:

Too drunk to give a crap what happened to his shaker of salt.
#7:

Go away, or Frank J. will taunt you a second time.
#8:

“When I’m not battling Agent Smith in the Matrix, I like to enjoy the cold, refreshing taste of Coca-Cola.”
#9:

In an emotional homecoming, Frank J. visits the plant where he was originally manufactured.
#10:

After hearing yet again “not tonight dear, I’ve got a headache”, Frank J. finally snaps and wishes SarahK into the cornfield.
#11:

Pump!… You up!
#12:

“eight… nine… TEN thigh-holsters! I’m SOOOOO in love with this woman!”
#13:

In yet another revenue generating scheme, Frank J. started selling text ad space in his vacation pictures.
#14:

True or False?: Frank J. is wearing pants in this picture.
#15:

Frank J. relaxes backstage between acts during his performance in “The Birdcage”.
#16:

Common ninja errors: adding bleach to a load of black pajamas in an effort to remove bloodstains.
#17:

“I’m gonna flip out… like a ninja… because that’s… what ninjas do”
#18:

Frank J. and SarahK read the “IMAO 4th Blogiversary Roast of Frank J.” post.

I assume those are looks of approval.
If I missed your entry or there’s a typo or broken permalink, please leave a comment, or e-mail to roastfrankj@gmail.com