Archive of entries posted on 12th July 2006

Ken Lay died for our sins?

Posted by on

Today in Houston, Enron’s founder and former CEO Ken Lay had a second memorial service.
But not just any memorial service, mind you. It was complete with former mayors collapsing from their defibrillators going off, former presidents and their anti-Semitic lackeys and everything.

Former Houston Mayor Bob Lanier was reported to be alert and stable at St. Luke’s Episcopal Hospital after fainting at First United Methodist Church shortly before today’s memorial service for Ken Lay.
Lanier collapsed in the sanctuary as the service was about to begin after his heart-monitoring device detected an irregular heartbeat and shocked his heart back into a normal rhythm.

Kenny Boy didn’t get a defibrilator installed before The Big One hit. Whoopsie!
And if that weren’t (warrrrrn’t) enough, there was also the local preacher and community activist that was in Ken’s pocket for years, Reverend Bill Lawson of the Wheeler Avenue Baptist Church, removed just in time to prevent from being cremated along with the old crook…

The Rev. Bill Lawson, pastor of Wheeler Avenue Baptist Church, likened Lay to James Byrd, an African-American man who was dragged to death in a racially motivated murder near Jasper eight years ago.
“Ken Lay was neither black nor poor as James Byrd was,” Lawson said. “But I’m angry because he was the victim of a lynching.”

Whaaaaaaaat?
The man died from a heart attack. Nobody tied him to the back of a truck and dragged him across Hell’s Half Acre.
But that’s not enough for Lawson…

Lawson, who also spoke at Lay’s Colorado memorial service, likened the businessman to President John F. Kennedy, Martin Luther King Jr., and Jesus — all of whom, the minister said, were wrongly victimized.

Kennedy? When did Lay screw Marilyn Monroe?
Martin Luther King Jr? Jesse Jackson didn’t claim to hear Ken Lay’s dying words.
Wait… hold on… Ken Lay as Jesus?

“The folks who don’t like him have had their say. I’d like to have mine … (Like Jesus Christ) he was crucified by a government that mistreated him.”

Oh come on now. Are you nuts?
The man wasn’t anything like Jesus…
Jesus Christ: Preached the truth to the faithful.
Ken Lay: Lied about Enron’s viability to employees the bitter end.
Jesus Christ: Right hand man was Peter, who stuck by him to the bitter end.
Ken Lay: Right hand man was Jeffrey Skilling, who bolted at first opportunity.
Jesus Christ: Faced his accusers.
Ken Lay: Had his attorneys file motion after motion, avoided trial for years.
Jesus Christ: Had a full head of luxurious, thick hair.
Ken Lay: Bald as a baboon’s ass.
Jesus Christ: Supposedly betrayed by Judas, but the Gnostics say they planned it all.
Ken Lay: Betrayed by Arthur Andersen accountaints and Andrew Fastow trying to save their own asses.
Jesus Christ: Killed by the Jews… I mean… um… Roman soldiers.
Ken Lay: Killed by a heart attack.
Jesus Christ: “Why hast thou forsaken me?”
Ken Lay: “Gaaaaaack… Linda…. my…. pills….”
Jesus Christ: Shoved behind a rock, came back after three days.
Ken Lay: Cremated, we’re still waiting.
See? Not like Jesus.

A Story, Bit by Bit
Hellbender: Part 13 – Planning

Posted by on

BEGINNING OF STORY
PREVIOUS (PART 12)

Doug awoke to a sharp slap to his face. “Wake up! What are you, drugged?”
Standing above him was the beautiful but perturbed Charlene. It took a moment for Doug to get his bearings and remember where he was. He made a motion to get up, fell off the sofa to the ground, and then successfully got to his feet. “So was I lying here all night?”
Charlene shrugged. “I don’t know; I wasn’t watching you all night. Do you sleepwalk or something?”
Doug considered how to explain his concern and settled on the easy out. “Never mind.”
Somehow, the abandoned office building looked even drearier now that he could see it better in the sunlight. Amongst the broken desks sat Bryce and Lulu looking over plans for the upcoming mission. “Do we know what we’re doing yet?” Doug asked.
Lulu frowned. “It’s still being debated.”
Bryce glared at Charlene. “One of us doesn’t seem to be happy with any plan that doesn’t involve killing everyone within a five mile radius of the research building.”
Charlene took a seat at the table. “It’s a matter of time. We can plan an implement a night time raid and be back in time for our regular military duty. It will require killing all the guards in the building, but why should that be a problem?” She turned to Lulu. “Anyway, if we’re gone more than a couple days, we’ll be listed as AWOL, Lulu, and then there will be no going back when you realize how idiotic this is.”
Bryce laughed. “Like there is anything more idiotic than walking back into the meat grinder that is the Proserpine military when you have another option. That’s why I trashed my place: the government will find it easier to declare me dead than expend any resources trying to figure out what happened.”
Lulu looked unsure. “I would like to keep my options open. Maybe I can fake my death later.”
Bryce leaned back in his chair. “Well, when you two girls want, just tell me what kind of deaths you girls want and I know some people who can fake it for you.”
Doug took a chair between Bryce and Charlene. “Can I have a cool death?”
“You don’t need one, Doug. Remember what it says on the front of your official file?”
Doug thought for a moment. “‘Burden to Society.'”
Bryce nodded. “You disappear, people would actually get in trouble for wasting time asking questions about it.” He turned to Lulu. “So, do you want a bloodbath, or do you want to do this smart?”
Lulu looked at Bryce and then Charlene. “Is there anyway we could do some sort of compromise on these ideas?”
Doug decided it was his time to contribute. “Instead of killing everyone, maybe we could just kill half the people there.” A better idea then struck Doug. “Or we could half-kill all the people!”
The three others stared at Doug for a moment and then turned back to each other. “I think we can just walk in there during the day, take the hard drive, and walk out before anyone is the wiser,” Bryce said. “We don’t need to over plan it; we all know how bureaucracy works in all the nations these days, and there’s plenty there to exploit. All we need is a little cunning and a little acting skill.”
Lulu smiled. “I always wanted to be an actress. This could be fun!”
Charlene scowled. “And if it doesn’t work out as planned?”
“Then we’ll do your ‘kill everybody’ plan,” Lulu said. “We’ll call it ‘Plan S’ for Charlene.”
“My name starts with a ‘C’.”
Lulu rolled her eyes. “But it makes an ‘s’ sound, so I’m calling it ‘Plan S’ so it’s less confusing. Now that we know how we’re attacking this mission, I think what we really need is a motto for our mercenary group. Something catchy so people will remember Hellbender for all their hired guns needs.”
Charlene scanned a digital layout of a floor of the research building which looked to have guard locations. “Lulu, we don’t need to waste time coming up with a stupid motto.”
“I say we need a motto and I’m the leader!” Lulu pounded the table with her fist.
“Fine. How about ‘Death Before Dishonor’?”
Lulu thought about it. “I don’t like having ‘death’ in it; too morbid.”
“‘Stays Crunchy in Milk’,” Bryce suggested.
Lulu did not look the least bit amused. “Am I the only one taking the mercenary group seriously?”
“I’d try and come up with a motto,” Doug said, “but I only know how to come up with slogans.”
“Great. I guess I’ll come up with a motto.” Lulu wrote on notepad. “Who wants to design our logo?”
Charlene sighed. “I really think we should devote our time to planning and not getting killed, Lulu.”
The two women began to bicker, and Doug decided it was a good time to try and talk privately to Bryce. He got up, tapped Bryce on the shoulder, and led Bryce away from the table. “I saw Stan again last night! He said we’re going to run into the Fallen on this mission, and I need to find a sacred weapon to fight them with or we’ll all die!”
Bryce quietly stared at Doug for a couple seconds before he finally said, “Everyone these days seems to have to go at least a little insane to cope with this world, but what I always liked about you is you just compensated by being dull-witted.” Bryce put his hand on Doug’s shoulder. “Please don’t go insane, Dougie.”
“But I can’t help it!”
“What’s going on over there?” Charlene called out.
Bryce headed back to the table. “Doug’s completely insane. He was just telling me he thinks your both pretty and sweet, Charlene, which I find incomprehensible.”
“I can be sweet, you little rat!” Charlene shouted at Bryce. She then looked to Doug who was blushing bright red. “It’s nice of you to say that, but I can’t have relations with anyone I’m working with professionally.”
“Does anyone think I’m pretty and sweet?” Lulu asked hopefully.
Bryce took her hand. “I do.”
Lulu pulled her hand away. “Yeah… but I’m starting to think you’re creepy. Maybe you should stick to hitting on hired goons.”
Bryce wasn’t able to hide he was a bit hurt by the slight. “Anyway, we’re going to need some supplies to get past the Asmod border and into the base. Luckily, I know where a black market is and we have our five thousand credits to spend.”
Lulu shot to her feet. “Shopping is part of this job! Being a mercenary is soooo much better than being in the military!”
“It’s not like we’re going to be buying handbags,” Charlene said.
“Well, we’ll see what’s on sale.” Lulu raced to the exit. “Come on!”
NEXT

Baens Universe Logo
Help Save Science Fiction at Jim Baen’s Universe!
(NOTE: Frank J.’s hastily hacked together stories are in no way supported or condoned by Baen)

The Continuing Madness of Kim Jong Il

Posted by on

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)
So last week, North Korea launched some missiles, called the tests “a success” when one of the missile crashed into the sea after 42 seconds, declared that they have a right to ICBM’s, and demanded one-on-one negotiations with the US.
Throwing things, lying, whining, crying… this isn’t a nation, it’s a tantruming toddler.
And like a toddler, North Korea and it’s freakishly coiffed Grand Poobah of the Sacred Monkey Lodge (or whatever the hell his title is) will probably indulge in other bizarre behaviors designed to get attention. I speculate thusly on what Kim Jong Il might do:

Order pictures of a bikini-clad Helen Thomas to be painted on the noses of all North Korean fighter jets.
Change the country’s name to “North Koran” to get more foreign aid from Muslim countries.
Accidentally drop his glasses in the toilet, then declare it to be a successful test of North Korea’s “waterproof spectacle” technology.
Order airbags installed on all North Korean citizens to protect them from falling rocket chunks.
Tout Communism’s documented success as a weight-loss plan. Move over Atkins!
Start doing press conferences in his bathrobe, which will keep “accidentally” falling open.
Actually read the Pajamas Media blog on a day when he hasn’t been linked by it.
Call psychic hotlines and demand one-on-one negotiations with Miss Cleo.
Grow a matching poofy Hitler moustache.
Blame widespread starvation on an Internet Explorer security flaw.
Attempt to re-start production of the Edsel.
Attend official state military parades wearing a Hawaiian shirt, Bermuda shorts, black socks, and sandals.
Start answering the phone with “Ahoy-hoy?“.
Teach the North Korean negotiating team the Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique.
Order his army into South Korea. When South Korea complains, he’ll look surprised, smack his forehead, and say “I knew I should’ve had them take that left turn at Albuquerque!”.
Shoot Superman in the eye just to watch the bullet bounce.
Call President Bush “an iron-willed, straight-shooting cowboy who doesn’t take crap from anyone” in a tone of voice suggesting that it was an insult, then giggle when Bush looks confused.
Break wind, then say loudly, “I AM FARTICUS!”.
Only appear in public wearing a coonskin cap.
Wait… I’m sorry, that’s actually his hair. Nevermind.
Claim that he can’t help his war-like ways, because he was orphaned as a baby and raised by wild landmines in the DMZ.

If we’re REALLY lucky, he might hire Bill Keller as his head of national security, but that’s probably just wishful thinking on my part.

In My World: Rumsfeld Arrives in Afghanistan; 30 Taliban Killed

Posted by on

Based on a true story.
“It’s good to talk to the troops here in Afghanistan,” Rumsfeld said. “We can all feel good knowing that we accomplished our mission and killed all the Taliban.”
“But the Taliban aren’t all dead!” shouted a Marine in the audience.
“What!? Rarr!” Rumsfeld smashed the podium in front of him in rage. “Then what am I doing here just talking?” Rumsfeld pulled out dual .45s. “Time to kill some Taliban! I’ll need someone to come with me and count my kills.” He looked towards one Marine. “You! What’s your name?”
“Buck.”
“Buck who?”
“Buck… the Marine!”

“Hey, Omar, I don’t think this whole ‘Taliban’ thing has worked out as well as we thought it would.”
“Why do you say that, Ahmed?”
“Well, it started out fun with us beating people to death who didn’t have long enough beards and blowing up giant Buddha statues–”
“And don’t forget oppressing women!”
“Of course, Omar – everyone loves that. Anyway, it was fun starting out, but now we’re hunted and killed like dogs– and these beards are really itching.”
“I would not worry, Ahmed; I can feel a benevolent presence watching us as we speak.”

Rumsfeld spied on the Taliban with binoculars. “There they are. Time to make them all dead. How many do you think there are?”
Buck shrugged his shoulders. “I dunno. Maybe thirty.”
“We need to flush them our way so we can show them their entrails before they die.”
Buck checked the magazine on his M-16. “That is an educational death. You’d be surprised how many people have never seen what real entrails looks like before a Marine guts them. So how do we flush them out?”
“It’s being taken care of.”

“So what should we do now, Omar?”
“I dunno, Ahmed. We could get a copy of the New York Times and see what the American military is up to.”
“But I hate that fish-wrap! I’d rather covert to Judaism than read Krugman or Dowd.”
“Then let’s consult Chomps, the world’s angriest Taliban, on what to do. Hey, Chomps, what should be our next attack?”
Chomps just growled.
“You know, Omar, Chomps kinda looks like an angry rottweiler.”
Omar nodded. “A very angry rottweiler.”

As Chomps chased the Taliban, Buck and Rumsfeld gunned them down. It was over in minutes.
Buck surveyed all the dead Taliban as he reloaded his rifle. “I never get tired of shooting the Taliban. They yell funny things and they fall down dead. If I had a camera, I bet it could win one of those funny video contests.”
Rumsfeld holstered his pistols and pet Chomps on the head. “I certainly like killing people better than giving speeches. Now I’m off to Baghdad. The troops deployed there better not tell me they’ve failed to kill all the Iraqis.”
“But the mission never was to kill the Iraqis.”
“What!? Rarr!”

Since Glenn Greenwald Asked…

Posted by on

Glenn Greenwald is wondering why right-wing blogs aren’t condemning Misha for calling for the deaths of five Supreme Court Justices. I don’t know much about Glenn Greenwald than that his posts tend to be long and hysterical, but I’ll still step up to the challenge.
Misha is a bad bad man. It is wrong to call for deaths of Supreme Court Justices. Don’t tell me you were just using “hyperbole” because I don’t like that word since it looks like it should be pronounced HIPE-ER-BOWL, but it’s not. Killing is wrong, and, if you don’t like Supreme Court Justices, you should just wait to vote them out of office the next time they hold Supreme Court Elections.
Bad bad bad Misha. As soon as I get a blogroll up, I’m delinking you.
Hey, Greenwald said that we should have to condemn Misha since his blog is 42nd on the TTLB Ecosystem and Michelle Malkin and Captain’s Quarters has a link to him, but I’m currently ranked 20th and also linked to by Michelle Malkin and Captain’s Quarters. Why isn’t there ever a call to condemn me? Haven’t I said anything controversial enough? I mean, I recently called for the death of Kofi Annan. What am I doing wrong?
I guess I’ll just have to try harder.
Know who I hate?
Black people.
Yep. I hates me my black people. Any lefties out there better call on all the right-leaning blogs to condemn me. You can’t let me get away with this!
UPDATE: Glenn is right (not the Glenn with the long, hysterical posts but the one with short, glib posts): not only am I a highly linked blogger, but the current administration consults my writing for important policy decisions. It would be irresponsible for the left-leaning blogs not to call for my condemnation.
UPDATE 2: Know what I like best about President Bush? That he’s so much like Hitler!
UPDATE 3: I don’t know if anyone cares, but I also hate the Swedes.

My Dog Is More Obedient Than Your Dog

Posted by on

For your morning viewing pleasure, here are pictures of Rowdi balancing a large dog biscuit on her nose, patiently waiting for the “Free!” command while the lovely and talented SarahK took her picture. There’s also a description of when Rowdi accidentally mistook something for the “Free!” command, flipped the dog biscuit in her mouth, and then realized her mistake and stood there not chewing the biscuit.
Good puppy.


Since SarahK will yell at me if I don’t give them equal time, here are pictures of the dumb stupid cats being dumb and stupid.
And smelling.

Where’s My Sign?

Posted by on

It’s always struck me as markedly unfair that smelly hippies have a peace sign, yet fans of mindless violence like myself have no war sign.
Unless we DO have one and no one told me. I’ve missed a few of the meetings.
Any suggestions for a good war sign?

Today’s Simpsons Trivia

Posted by on

(Introduction)

1) (T/F) The Puma is the Springfield Elementary mascot
2) In “Lisa the Greek”, what perfume is in a bottle shaped like The Oscar?
3) In “Bart the Lover”, what were the names of the two fish Bart killed?
4) What song displaces “We’re Sending Our Love Down the Well” from the #1 spot?
Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.