(A Filthy Lie)
You may not know this, but before blackmailing his way into a tenured position as a law professor at the University of Tennessee, Glenn Reynolds was head of his own law firm (Reynolds, Duzzy, Cheatham and Howe). Some accomplishments of note during those years include:
- Modified a GPS device to home in on ambulance sirens.
- Pioneered the “I’m not wearing a tie at all!” defense, later made famous by Lionel Hutz.
- Pioneered the rhyming defense (later made famous by Johnny Cochran) for the Rodney King beating case: “Because they’re white, what they did was all right”.
- Discovered flaws in Einstein’s Theory of Relativity, thus making the 48-billable-hours day possible.
- Whipped up puppy smoothies during trials so as to make his clients appear comparatively less heinous.
- Installed irritating extra-buzzy flourescent lights at the office. Giggled as the number of workplace shooting incidents skyrocketed.
- Got the Scopes monkey acquitted on appeal.
- Successfully sued himself for sexual harrassment based on several incidents of staring, pointing, and laughing at his wang in the restroom.
- Took malfunctioning office fax machine out into a field and smashed it with a baseball bat as seen in Michael Moore’s documentary “Office Space 9/11”.
- Improved collection rates on overdue Accounts Receivable by feeding deadbeat clients to carnivorous office plants.
- Improved courtroom win-loss record by doing the same with prosecuting attorneys.
- Stopped filing “frivolous” lawsuits. Started filing “Super Happy Lucky Fun” lawsuits.
- Saved thousands of dollars in contempt-of-court fines by installing covert “witness teleprompters” in his eyeglasses.
- Cut jury-tampering expenses by 91.6% by switching to judge-tampering.
- Won a hefty alimony settlement for Michael Jackson’s old nose when it divorced his face.
- Linked to every legal brief ever filed by Ann Althouse.
- Cleared President Bush of slander charges by proving that New York Times reporter Adam Clymer really WAS a major-league a**hole.
Rumor has it that he’ll be back in the courtroom soon defending John Bolton’s moustache for beating the crap out of Kofi Annan, but that’s just sheer speculation at this point.
