The IMAO Podcast is still on hiatus, but I have an irresistible urge to finish up the rest of the states in the Fun Facts About The 50 States series, so I’m going to forge ahead – hopefully on a weekly schedule.
Should the podcast return, this is the list from which I’ll pick & choose my favorite items to record.
(continued in extended entry)
Archive of entries posted on 24th July 2006
IMAO’s Official Position
It’s IMAO’s Official Position that it’s okay to joke about cocaine usage if you are running uncontested for reelection.
If we don’t let our politicians make risque jokes, how will I ever get elected to anything?
Power Emergency
Apparently, California is in some kind of Stage 1 Power Emergency right now. Too many people in the Castro District using their hairdryers at once, or Ed Begley, Jr.’s recharging his electric car again.
Anyway, since the official response to a Stage 1 Power Emergency is “Blame Enron” I have the distinct feeling this crisis will only deepen.
So, for all of our regular IMAO readers in California threatened with eternal darkness and the collapse of what passes for civilization there on the Left Coast, IMAO has prepared a list of things to do during your electricity-free time…
A Story, Bit by Bit
Hellbender: Part 18 – Alarm
BEGINNING OF STORY
PREVIOUS (PART 17)
When the alarm went off, Bryce lost his cool for a moment. He quickly regained himself, and, as Reiter and his guard Blair stared at Bryce looking ready to move against him, Bryce casually glanced to his watch and said, “The alarm was supposed to go off five minutes ago; I wonder if something is wrong?”
They were in an empty lab; Reiter seemed to be careful on what he showed Bryce until he had more confirmation on who he was. Bryce had seen enough, though, including the pin number that went with Reiter’s access card. He only had to get it from him, but Blair was watching them like a hawk. So the best bet was to take out Blair first, but Bryce had two problems with that: One, he wasn’t the kind of person who could just pull out a gun and shoot someone face to face. Two, he was scared of Blair.
Thus he figured that meant he should get Lulu to do it, who, for all he knew, could be freaking out behind him. Bryce couldn’t risk breaking character to check, though.
Reiter looked ready to burst with frustration. “Why didn’t you tell me you were setting off the alarm?”
Bryce sighed. “How many times do I have to say this is a surprise inspection?”
Blair had her hand resting on the rifle slung over her shoulder and kept a steady gaze on Bryce. “I should check with surveillance on what’s happening.”
Bryce shook his head. “You can’t do that. Communications are down as part of the test.” Or, at least, they should be if Doug and Charlene didn’t completely screw up.
Reiter made a fist. “You took down our communications?!”
Blair began to grip her rifle. “How are we supposed to find out if he is who he says he is now?”
Bryce rolled his eyes. “Obviously, if we know enough about this place to bring down the communications, then we must be who we say we are. Can we keep this moving?”
It looked like Reiter couldn’t decide whether to obey or shoot Bryce. “You do know Dumalt is coming?”
Dumalt? “Of course.”
“I wonder who he’ll kill when he finds the place like this.” Blair pointed her rifle at Bryce. “But I know who I will.”
Bryce could hear Lulu scribbling behind him, confirming she was still there. He looked to Reiter while pointing at Blair. “This woman just pointed a gun at an Asmod official. I want her executed.”
Blair kept her gun on Bryce while Reiter now drew his sidearm but kept it down at his side. Bryce could tell he very much wanted to shoot him, but there was that seed of doubt. Reiter must have still left open the possibility that Bryce really was just another pompous government official, and, by shooting him – as logical as that seemed – he would be signing his own death warrant.
Blair seemed to be waiting for word from Reiter, but, getting none, she glanced towards him. It seemed the perfect time to act – if Bryce were more of a man of action, that is.
All Bryce knew was that someone fired, and then he lost track of everything else. There was a stinging pain on his left arm, and he saw Reiter, bleeding from his right hand, and reaching for his gun on the ground with his left. Bryce ran forward and kicked him, meeting foot to chin. By the time Bryce remembered his own gun, he realized it was all over. Blair was dead, and behind him stood Lulu holding a smoking gun, the notepad laying at her feet.
Lulu lowered her weapon. “I never killed anyone like that before.”
“Better than getting killed like that.” Bryce looked over the unconscious Reiter for his keycard.
Lulu smiled. “I’m like a real killer now, aren’t I? Is there some special ceremony you’re supposed to do with your first kill? Like, should I drink her blood?”
Bryce gave her an odd glance as he stood up with the keycard. “We don’t have time to stop for a drink. Now, put your gun away, pick up your notepad, and let’s just walk out of here.”
Lulu put the gun back under her suit jacket. “I’m in charge, and if I decide to shoot more people, I will.” She picked up her notepad. “What do you think happened with Charlene and Doug?”
“Dunno.” Bryce activated his radio as he headed towards the hallway. “Doug, Sidewinder, what happened?”
In his earpiece came the answer, “This is Doug. Uh… Hey, Bryce, what’s your call sign again?”
“Midas.”
“Well, Midas, we… Wait, why don’t I get a call sign?”
“Because you’re Doug. Now what happened?”
“We got the software installed like we were supposed to, but then I thought maybe we should free the people prisoner here because…”
“No! Bad Doug! No thinking! I’m docking part of Charlene’s pay for not keeping good watch of you!”
“Sidewinder,” Doug corrected.
“Whatever. What are you all doing?”
“We’re headed up with our new friends… and Sidewinder is shooting at people right now.”
“The only way out are the vehicles on the roof; send your friends there if you want. You two meet us at Lab 8 where we are headed now. Midas out.”
When Bryce and Lulu exited into the hallway, they found themselves face to face with five soldiers. “Quick!” Bryce pointed vigorously into the lab they just exited. “Reiter has been shot!” The soldiers rushed into the room, and Bryce smashed through the glass to hit the emergency lockdown button, locking the soldiers inside.
Lulu tapped her notepad with her pen as they sped up the pace. “So, did Charlene start ‘Plan S’?”
“Kinda.”
“Things aren’t going to plan, are they?”
“We’re going by backup plans, which technically means we’re still in plan, I’d say.”
They encountered three more soldiers at the stairway. “Quick!” Bryce pointed down the hallway in panic. “A number of soldiers got locked in Lab 4!” The soldiers rushed to help.
As they headed up the stairs, Bryce noticed the sting in his left arm again. He looked to see a cut where a bullet must have grazed him. A bit of blood oozed down his sleeve. “Man, I liked this suit. Let’s not get shot anymore; that is definitely not planned. We better hurry; hopefully, if Doug and Charlene took down the network correctly, no one outside will notice this building is in lockdown. That will probably change whenever this Dumalt character gets here.”
“Who do you think he is?”
Bryce shrugged. “Why don’t we get this job done and get out of here as fast as we can and leave that a mystery for the ages.”
Lulu skipped ahead of Bryce. “Fine with me; this alarm is annoying.”
NEXT
Help Save Science Fiction at Jim Baen’s Universe!
(NOTE: Frank J.’s hastily hacked together stories are in no way supported or condoned by Baen)
IMAO uncovers another member of Jesus’ family!!!
After reading The Da vinci Code, it got me to thinking. What if it’s true?? Then Jesus had a family. and that family must still be around. Well, it didn’t take too long for some of the “Jesus family” to start appearing.
Of course, the lady mentioned in the link above – who already has a book coming out – would NEVER consider writing for IMAO. So we decided to do some investigative work. Thankfully, you can find anything through Google. Except, of course, “Chinese repression.”
After much effort and countless popup ads, I, RghtWingDuck have discovered the Fountain of Truth!!!. Yes, we have discovered a Jesus family member willing to write for us!!
You might be saying.. That’s silly. There’s no proof you have the real deal.
Hey, folks. This is IMAO you’re talking about. We have a reputation for doing the type of research that made Dan Rather who he is.
Here is the copy of newly googled ancient hiddent texst to back up my assertions.
The Clan of Stephen Stephen.
Afterwards, Jesus went off with Mary Magdalene to his honeymoon. “Can you believe we fooled them all?”
“Jesus Christ we did!” replied Mary.
“Hey!” Jesus said. “That almost sounded as if you were using my name as a curse word.”
And Jesus and Mary ended up fighting on the night of their honeymoon
Later they made up and had a good laugh at all the people they fooled. “Hope, salvation and eternal life? As. If” giggled Jesus. “I came here to hang out with the guys and settle down. Maybe one day have me some kids when the time is right.”
Then Mary held up a dead rabbit. “Jesus Christ, do I have a surprise for you!”
After eating dinner Jesus said, “That was some tasty rabbit. So what is my surprise?” Then Mary told him and Jesus exclaimed, “But I formed the earth and all that is in it! I was there at the beginning of time. I’m just not ready for kids. ”
And so Mary and Jesus had them many a children. But their children were tucked away into hiding because those crazy Christians were out talking about the salvation of Christ and peace everlasting, when all Jesus came for was to make babies and have them spread the word about how he came to make er – um – babies.
Here is the genealogy of the One True Real Church.
And Jesus and Mary begat Terese, Silvia, and Stephen. Terese who was their pride and joy. grew up and married a nice Jewish boy named Morty-kai. Morthy and Terese had their three children Rachel, Marie, and Shaquiqua – who didn’t look much like Morty but he kept h is mouth shut because his father in law said it would be a really sad thing if part of Morty were to fall off – if you know what we mean.
Silvia moved to the town of Nazareth where she opened a stand selling wooden crosses to unsuspecting Christian tourists. Silvia never married but did live with a nice lady named Helen who was rugged and very good at construction.
Stephen met nice girl who begat 4 kids. Stephen George, Stephen Michael, Stephen Paul, and Stephen Stephen.
The boys fought and squabbled over whom Grandad loved best.
Eventually, the group of Jesus kids grew and grew and populated over the entire earth, including Arkansas, where the son’s of Stephen Stephen would one day settle.
Here is the genealogy of the group of Stephen Stephen of Arkansas.
Moe begat Meenie (whom he would have named Miney but couldn’t decide) who later begat Jed, Ned, and Bubba. These kids got along well, except when it came time for schooling and washing behind the ears. Eventually, Ned and Ted died in a horrible accident involving a combine and three fifths of hooch.
Bubba stayed to run the family farm and cater to the needs of the masses.
**
To this day, Bubba is there for us. A member of the One True Real Church, he cares about himself and you. Mostly himself.
However, by offering the right incentive, the group at IMAO was able to secure his willingness to blog and answer the questions that mankind needs answered. More soon.
What the Middle East Needs Is More Landmines
An Editorial by Frank J.
Some people say that the problem with the Middle East is too many people blowing up, but I’d say the opposite: All animals keep to themselves that the benefit of the Outer West is too few animals rebuilding.
Well, I guess the opposite doesn’t make much sense, but what I will say is that the problem with the Middle East is that too few people are blowing up. What we need is more landmines.
“Middle East = BOOM!”
The problem with people in the Middle East is that terrorists have too much ability to move around. If landmines were everywhere, though, that would change everything. When a terrorist heads to blow himself up in a crowded Israeli street, he would instead get blown up on his own street as soon as he walked the door and stepped on one of the many landmines that were placed there. Soon terrorists would have to watch the ground and tip-toe carefully – and how threatening can a bunch of people on their tip-toes be?
Some may be concerned that innocent people could be killed by these landmines. That is stupid. If someone is innocent, then why is he hanging out in the Middle East – a known haven for terrorists? I think most people know by now that, if you don’t want to get blown up, stay out of the Middle East. When the entire place is covered in landmines, people will know it all the more: Middle East = BOOM! In fact, it’s possible being exploded was invented in the Middle East. It may be the only thing invented in the Middle East.
Princess Di used to campaign against landmines, but she died in a car crash (for which I have an alibi). Thus, landmines could become popular again. If we cover the Middle East in landmines, then we can blow up the bad people – and you know they’re bad if they’re wandering around the Middle East (who wanders but to plot!). As the saying goes: Fences make good neighbors, and landmines make terrorists stay at home unless they want get exploded.
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us. He is also the author of such books as “Landmines: Crouching Tiger, Hidden Explosive Device” and “Blow Up This Book”.
Frank Answers Returns
When we last saw Frank Answers™, it had left for Krypton to search for others like it. Finding nothing, it has returned to Earth to answer more questions… questions posed to Frank that need answers in a segment called…
Frank Answers™!
George S. of Vanuatu: The Happiest Place on Earth writes:
Why don’t you start doing Frank Answers again?
If we could genetically alter our skin to contain chlorophyll, could we live without eating? Would Frito-Lay go belly up (so to speak)? And would that put us in league with the lefto-weenies who are doing their “rolling fast” to protest us choosing Iraq as a battlefield against terrorists?
Would an army of clones be unusually susceptible to a genetically tailored disease?
If you resurrect Frank Answers, can I have the first question? All of the first set of questions? I promise I won’t even mention monkeys…OOPS!
Well, Georgie, the reason I didn’t do Frank Answers™ anymore was that, until now, no one asked. But it is asked and it shall be done.
If you altered your skin to contain chlorophyll or any other type of phyll, you’d still need water and nutrients to produce energy (along with carbon dioxide). Thus, you’d probably have to take vitamins. Taking vitamins is usually considered not to be fasting, as the first thing Gandhi would do when he ended a fast was eat a whole handful of Flintstone vitamins. When I was in preschool, I once stole the Flintstone vitamins (assisted by my little sister — ooh! I have to review her move soon!) and ate a ton of them. Poison control said I had to drink lots of water the rest of the day. If I had chlorophyll, that would have been a perfectly normal day.
Yes, on the resurrection of Frank Answers™, you get the first set of questions. Now on to better ones!
Random Musing
If I were insane, I’d probably eat people’s faces. That just sounds like the sort of thing that would fit my character… if I were insane.
Which I’m not.
But if I were psychotically insane, I could just see me eating someone’s face. Then a guy would ask, “Hey, what happened to Pete’s face?”
And I’d say, “I ate it.” Then I’d giggle. And that seems just about right for me… if were insane.
Which I’m not.
Today’s Simpsons Trivia
1) (T/F) The Simpsons move to Capital City so Dancin’ Homer can be the baseball team’s mascot
2) Bart is pitted against who in a miniature golf tournament?
3) Bart says that nothing can upset him or Lisa, because they’re part of what generation?
4) In “Homer the Vigliante”, the guy who drives into a river is a parody of who?
Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.