Hello, everyone. It’s your old pal, Laurence Simon, and I’d like to apologize for not having written much in the past few days.
After President Bush vetoed Congress’ attempt to open up stem cell research and Congress failed to overcome that veto, it’s been fairly busy around here.
A lot of people have been mocking the use of the term “fetal farming” and I’ve got to say that the mockery needs to end and the understanding needs to begin.
There are literally thousands of family-owned fetal farms out there in the heartland that were already having a hard time making ends meet, working hard with the time-honored traditional culturing and harvesting of fetal stem cells.
Believe me, there’s no more honest day’s work than a man getting up at the crack of dawn to milk the zygotes and gather up the eggs. The salt of the earth, these people are.
Sadly, these people were already being squeezed out by corporate mega-fetalfarms buying up property, office space, and farm equipment. Access to the approved stem-cell lines was supposed to be guaranteed, but the mega-corporations have a habit of violating their timetables, or they hand over inferior lines of genetic research to the little man.
With the constant budget cutbacks of fetal farm subsidies and ruthless overseas competition (often state-subsidized, like Airbus is in the aircraft assembly industry), the Family Fetal Farmer may become a thing of the past now that the practice will remain illegal.
If you’ve never been to a Fetal Farm Harvest Festival or taken the time to learn more at your state’s annual fair, well, perhaps you should avail yourself to the opportunity next time you can grab at it – they’re not going to be around forever at this rate.
So, in response to this sociological disaster happening in our scientific heartland, I’ve been working with Willie Nelson to put together Fetal Farm Aid.
We haven’t come up with a venue, but we’re considering the Durham area to take advantage of the many research facilities there for after-concert protest marches. We’re just waiting for the permits and Willie to run out of dope long enough for his attorneys to clear his signature as valid.
Now, you’d expect such a concert to include Farm Aid regulars such as John Cougar Mellencamp, but we’ve been having a hard time reaching him since he’s been changing his name on a near-annual basis. Hopefully, he’ll stop changing it long enough for us to be able to look him up in the White Pages and send him a bus pass.
Then there’s the Grand Marshall of MC. Once again, Willie’s just too toked up to string three words together without him choking on a braid or getting confused with a Kinky Friedman For Governor rally, so we’re thinking about inviting a celebrity with name-recognition and a track record of supporting stem cell research.
The first person to come to mind was Christopher Reeve, but he hasn’t answered any of my letters, emails or calls. In fact, the last time I called, the number had been disconnected.
Did his wife Dana forget to pay the phone bill? She’s been so good to Chris up until now, I hope she isn’t cheating on him or anything.
Since the Reeves are being so difficult about it, I considered using Michael J. Fox as a backup plan. He’s been a strong advocate of the cause, and based on his guitar work in Back To The Future he might even be convinced to play a few licks.
Sadly, someone sent me a tape of Michael’s most recent testimony before Congress on the issue, and I’ve got to tell you: this man seriously needs help!
Wobbling, slurring his words.
I hope that someone who loves him dearly will get him into AA so he can kick the booze habit and straighten out his life. Maybe then people might be able to focus on his stand against blocking stem cell research for disfiguring and distracting degenerative maladies instead of his distracting behavior.
Hopefully, I’ll have more to report on Fetal Farm Aid in the near future.
Until then, do what you can to support your local Family Fetal Farm. In fact, why not head out there for a weekend and pick your own fetal farm fresh stem cells… it’s a lot more fun that picking raspberries or strawberries at a pick-it-yourself farm, and there’s certainly a lot less bugs flying around.
Yeah, you go ahead and bring Willie Nelson to Durham; I will…uhm… “guarantee his Safety”…yeah, that’s it. His “Safety”…
hmhmhmhehehehahahaHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAH!!!!!
you guys in fetal farming are just large corporations anyway…the family fetal farm is disappering…and you litter the environment with fetal fecal matter in the process! I’ll bet the Jooooos are involved here somewhere…
No you don’t get it, with these fetal farms, they’re all kept in tiny wire cages and interbreed over and over; then they all have these recessive gene defects and you have to take them to the vet every month for the rest of your life, the cost is WAY too high.
OH wait that’s a fetal mill… sorry my bad.
Nah, don’t pick the fetuses. Let ’em hang on the vine for about nine more months, then they turn into tasty, tender babies! Glenn Reynolds tells me they make excellent smoothies.
It isn’t the foetal farm that is fun, it is the sub-foetal farm that makes it all worth while.
You can’t fool me with this red herring. This is just to distract us from the Joooos going into Lebanon to harvest their fetuses. I bet you even have your cats in on it. I’ve got your number now. What’s your cut?
ummm…how does one serve up the eggs after “they are gathered” might I ask?
Brilliant – I think you could show that to someone on either side of that debate and get a good laugh.
I prefer the conception petting zoo.
I feel confident that John Mellencamp will stop changing his name now that no one cares about him anymore. Willie went Brokeback with his gay cowboy song, so apparently he’ll be busy working on the “Save George Michael’s Career Foundation” charity concert.
The problem is: the government keeps putting so many regulations on the family fetal farmer that so much of the fetal farmland is just being sold off for development. Once we put the family fetal farmer out of business, we’re just going to have to start importing fetuses from farms overseas, and that’s certainly not good for America.
Careful Laurence, some of your pinko ideas are showing. Embryonic stem cells won’t get Superman to get up out of his wheelchair (or casket) and walk despite what you or John Kerry or John “my pretty pony” Edwards thinks. Sorry the science says” not gonna’ work. So, why offend those of us who think Embryos can be people too?
Um Scotty?
coughobliviouscough
Laurence wrote a satirical piece. This is a satire site. Do the math, then call your ISP to cancel your service. You lack even rthe basic intellect needed for Internet communication. And that is a sad, sad commentary on you pal.
DesertElephant:
Satire? What’s that?
My point was that Lair’s satirical piece shows contempt for those obviously stupid people who believe Embryonic Stem Cell research is unethical (morally or otherwise) and should not be funded by tax revenues.
When he suggests that Reeves should MC the event but doesn’t return calls or that Fox appears drunken in public. I am not oblivious to the thick dose of irony that drips from Lair’s words. Yeah, I cringed (and secretly sniggered, which I know means I’m going straight to Hell) like everyone else with the total social inappropriateness that Lair is know to display in his bits. I’ve seen enough of Lair’s stuff to realize that crude humor is his trademark. But what you seem oblivious to is that Mr. Simon appears to be coming down on the side of MONKEY FACED LIBERALS on this one. Thats why I said his pinko side is showing and chose to lump him in with JOHN-JOHN who intimated that Chris Reeves would get up and walk but the Evil Bush prevents us from putting those fetuses in the blender to give stem cell milkshakes and cure everyone from everything.
Sorry for appearing an idiot but its just my opinion that Lair is making fun of those againts Ebryonic Stem Cell Research since the irony is that if it were allowed then maybe Reeves wouldn’t be dead and Fox wouldn’t have the debilitating effects of Parkinsons.
Maybe I am reading Lair’s piece all wrong. I mean he starts off with the Fetal Farm Aid Idea which makes fun of the other side of this issue; but the Reeves/Fox material is making fun of the anti-ESCR side. If I got it wrong…Appologies.