Based on a true story.
“It’s good to talk to the troops here in Afghanistan,” Rumsfeld said. “We can all feel good knowing that we accomplished our mission and killed all the Taliban.”
“But the Taliban aren’t all dead!” shouted a Marine in the audience.
“What!? Rarr!” Rumsfeld smashed the podium in front of him in rage. “Then what am I doing here just talking?” Rumsfeld pulled out dual .45s. “Time to kill some Taliban! I’ll need someone to come with me and count my kills.” He looked towards one Marine. “You! What’s your name?”
“Buck.”
“Buck who?”
“Buck… the Marine!”
“Hey, Omar, I don’t think this whole ‘Taliban’ thing has worked out as well as we thought it would.”
“Why do you say that, Ahmed?”
“Well, it started out fun with us beating people to death who didn’t have long enough beards and blowing up giant Buddha statues–”
“And don’t forget oppressing women!”
“Of course, Omar – everyone loves that. Anyway, it was fun starting out, but now we’re hunted and killed like dogs– and these beards are really itching.”
“I would not worry, Ahmed; I can feel a benevolent presence watching us as we speak.”
Rumsfeld spied on the Taliban with binoculars. “There they are. Time to make them all dead. How many do you think there are?”
Buck shrugged his shoulders. “I dunno. Maybe thirty.”
“We need to flush them our way so we can show them their entrails before they die.”
Buck checked the magazine on his M-16. “That is an educational death. You’d be surprised how many people have never seen what real entrails looks like before a Marine guts them. So how do we flush them out?”
“It’s being taken care of.”
“So what should we do now, Omar?”
“I dunno, Ahmed. We could get a copy of the New York Times and see what the American military is up to.”
“But I hate that fish-wrap! I’d rather covert to Judaism than read Krugman or Dowd.”
“Then let’s consult Chomps, the world’s angriest Taliban, on what to do. Hey, Chomps, what should be our next attack?”
Chomps just growled.
“You know, Omar, Chomps kinda looks like an angry rottweiler.”
Omar nodded. “A very angry rottweiler.”
As Chomps chased the Taliban, Buck and Rumsfeld gunned them down. It was over in minutes.
Buck surveyed all the dead Taliban as he reloaded his rifle. “I never get tired of shooting the Taliban. They yell funny things and they fall down dead. If I had a camera, I bet it could win one of those funny video contests.”
Rumsfeld holstered his pistols and pet Chomps on the head. “I certainly like killing people better than giving speeches. Now I’m off to Baghdad. The troops deployed there better not tell me they’ve failed to kill all the Iraqis.”
“But the mission never was to kill the Iraqis.”
“What!? Rarr!”
Good stuff Frank J. I’m curious, did Chomps wear a turban? And did he have a beard while he was considered to be part of the Taliban?
Well done. There’s something deeply satisfying about a Secretary of Defense who actually wants to defend us.
once he’s done in Iraq, don’t you think Rummy should pay a visit to New York and the “newspaper of record”? I think there are some Taliban remaining that need an “educational death”! Great funny as always!
What, no strangulations? I demand strangulations!
Okay, in light of this newest installment of “In My World” I lift my condemnation of FrankJ. I also will discontinue darning him to heck.
Here’s a Halo 2 video of hunting for Afghanies…they must have learned from Rummy.
Hmmm. Am I the only one reminded of that joke in Dr. Strangelove, where the Soviet president says where he found out about the US Doomsday Machine(tm)?
It went like this:
“Our source is the New York Times!”
gut ’em and let God sort ’em out!
I don’t see how Chomps infiltrated as one of them…he’s much too good looking and clean cut and I know he has to smell better.
WTF? You stole my idea, you idea-stealer!
Well, I guess it was pretty obvious… especially when you linked to the story yesterday.
Still, I’d like some partial credit, or a “In My World Fan Fiction” link.
Pretty please?
That was so good I didn’t realize I missed the strangulations until Master Shake mentioned it. sigh
//I didn’t realize I missed the strangulations until Master Shake mentioned it.//
yeah, I always figured you’d have Dick Cheney doing the shooting, but I’m certain Rummy has to get bored with strangulation every once in a while.
If Rummy doesn’t watch it he will be reassigned to HUD. He is practicing some wicked pisser Turban Renewal.