Today in Houston, Enron’s founder and former CEO Ken Lay had a second memorial service.
But not just any memorial service, mind you. It was complete with former mayors collapsing from their defibrillators going off, former presidents and their anti-Semitic lackeys and everything.

Former Houston Mayor Bob Lanier was reported to be alert and stable at St. Luke’s Episcopal Hospital after fainting at First United Methodist Church shortly before today’s memorial service for Ken Lay.
Lanier collapsed in the sanctuary as the service was about to begin after his heart-monitoring device detected an irregular heartbeat and shocked his heart back into a normal rhythm.

Kenny Boy didn’t get a defibrilator installed before The Big One hit. Whoopsie!
And if that weren’t (warrrrrn’t) enough, there was also the local preacher and community activist that was in Ken’s pocket for years, Reverend Bill Lawson of the Wheeler Avenue Baptist Church, removed just in time to prevent from being cremated along with the old crook…

The Rev. Bill Lawson, pastor of Wheeler Avenue Baptist Church, likened Lay to James Byrd, an African-American man who was dragged to death in a racially motivated murder near Jasper eight years ago.
“Ken Lay was neither black nor poor as James Byrd was,” Lawson said. “But I’m angry because he was the victim of a lynching.”

Whaaaaaaaat?
The man died from a heart attack. Nobody tied him to the back of a truck and dragged him across Hell’s Half Acre.
But that’s not enough for Lawson…

Lawson, who also spoke at Lay’s Colorado memorial service, likened the businessman to President John F. Kennedy, Martin Luther King Jr., and Jesus — all of whom, the minister said, were wrongly victimized.

Kennedy? When did Lay screw Marilyn Monroe?
Martin Luther King Jr? Jesse Jackson didn’t claim to hear Ken Lay’s dying words.
Wait… hold on… Ken Lay as Jesus?

“The folks who don’t like him have had their say. I’d like to have mine … (Like Jesus Christ) he was crucified by a government that mistreated him.”

Oh come on now. Are you nuts?
The man wasn’t anything like Jesus…
Jesus Christ: Preached the truth to the faithful.
Ken Lay: Lied about Enron’s viability to employees the bitter end.
Jesus Christ: Right hand man was Peter, who stuck by him to the bitter end.
Ken Lay: Right hand man was Jeffrey Skilling, who bolted at first opportunity.
Jesus Christ: Faced his accusers.
Ken Lay: Had his attorneys file motion after motion, avoided trial for years.
Jesus Christ: Had a full head of luxurious, thick hair.
Ken Lay: Bald as a baboon’s ass.
Jesus Christ: Supposedly betrayed by Judas, but the Gnostics say they planned it all.
Ken Lay: Betrayed by Arthur Andersen accountaints and Andrew Fastow trying to save their own asses.
Jesus Christ: Killed by the Jews… I mean… um… Roman soldiers.
Ken Lay: Killed by a heart attack.
Jesus Christ: “Why hast thou forsaken me?”
Ken Lay: “Gaaaaaack… Linda…. my…. pills….”
Jesus Christ: Shoved behind a rock, came back after three days.
Ken Lay: Cremated, we’re still waiting.
See? Not like Jesus.