Ladies and Gentlemen,
Behold the cure for what ails you. Dr. Ducks Miracle Water. But you can’t have it. Know why? Stupid government bureaucrats with secret agendas are keeping this amazing elixir from you by denying the federal funds needed to develop this further.
What can Dr. Duck’s Miracle Water do for humanity?
Here are all the things it COULD do. Let’s hear from those who are suffering. And if you don’t feel for these people and want to help them then you have no heart and deserve to repeatedly vote Republican!!
Christopher Reeves. Computer Re-animation. Hi. I’m dead. But let me tell you what I would say if I would have known about Dr. Duck’s miracle water. My name is Christopher Reeves and I used to portray Superman back in the days when he was heterosexual. Really! I can’t stand the new Superman. I mean, the Fortress of Solitude isn’t supposed to have a hair salon!! Anyway, if you approve massive federal funding for Dr. Ducks Miracle Water, then one day people like me might have a chance to stand up, walk, and defend our Superman reputation.
Hollywood Child Actor: Do you know me? I used to be a cute and adorable child actor. People would melt at my smile. That is before massive drug abuse led to my teeth falling out. There may or may not be evidence that Dr. Duck’s Miracle Water can heal those who are suffering from drug addiction. Drug addiction is a serious illness that requires medical attention for everyone except conservative talk show hosts — who should be put in jail forever. Anyway, if you support funding for Dr. Duck’s Miracle Water, then one day, we can cure the scourge of drug abuse and agents will start returning my calls.
Congresswoman Cynthia McKinney. Looking at Camera. What do you mean tell them who I am? They know who I am? Why do I have to say my name? What are they — racist? (Punches the camera man.)
Cameraman: If you support Dr. Duck’s Miracle Water, then one day we can cure this horrible affliction we call racism.
These are all the things that Dr. Duck’s Miracle Water might be able to do. So please won’t you write your congressman and ask that the Bush Administration provide gargantuan gobs of money for the Dr. Duck corporation???
Here are some answers to questions you might have…
Dr. Ducks FAQ

Why do you need my tax dollars for this? If this were any good, wouldn’t the private investors be lining up?
Originally, we had private investors who put up some money. They gave us money by cash, check, and PayPal. But they always want an accounting of funds to ensure that money wasn’t being squandered on foreign vacations or fancy sports cars. This showed a lack of trust and good will.
Did they ever have a financial audit?
I don’t know. I was in Hawaii.
What if we provide massive funding but no cure is reached? Then can we abandon this project and spend it on something useful like invading France?
Goodness non. How could we just give up on those poor people who need a cure just because there is no hope of getting anywhere? At that point, we would have invested billions and it only makes sense to not let that investment go to waste. The best cure would be to re-double the money — I mean — effort.
I really want to end suffering for all of these poor people. What can I do?
Call your congressman right now and demand federal funding for Dr. Duck’s Miracle Water. It is only through your efforts that we can get the money needed to make massive amounts of profits. In the meantime, we accept cash, checks, and PayPal.
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Please, only you can make a difference.