Well, thanks CNN.
Thank you for telling the world that Mel Gibson was out driving drunk, got in an altercation with the arresting officers, and didn’t make any berserk anti-Semitic comments at all.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m a very busy man. I’m responsible for all the wars in the world, you know.
How so?
Well, I started young, an apprentice manager of the Pepsi-Coke Cola Wars of the 80’s and worked my way up the ranks.
Then, I consulted with the Iran-Iraq Wars. You know, because sending Shia Persians against Sunni Arabs was a great way to thin the enemy herd.
From there, nothing but success. A stint managing the Bandeh Aceh War (more Islamic sectarian violence to thwat Indonesian imperial designs), a few months working with the El Salvador Conflict, a few weeks compounding the Yemeni and Chechen Civil Wars, and then off to South Ossetia for my greatest achievement.
All throughout, I would dabble with pricing wars in the airline industry, but that lost its lustre after 9/11. (I’m still pissed at the Jews who coordinated all of that… I wish they’d have told me before screwing up my own pricefixing gig).
I joined IMAO specifically for the opportunity to be the Jew who coordinates the first war on the moon. After all, Frank’s going to nuke the moon one day, so I might as well ride his coat-tails and make sure that someone gets nuked up there that deserves it.
Or not. After all, this is war, and war is hell.
So, Jewish Bloggers… what wars were you responsible for?
I am responsible for the battle between aging rock bands to see who can go on more “Farewell Tours”.
I still think it is impossbile for us Jews to run the world, banks, and say noting of us starting any wars other then our own.
I mean, have you ever been out with a gaggle of your fellow “chosen people” and tried choosing a place to eat or a movie to see?
For the gentile crowd: It’s a combination of guilt trips, sharing of dietary needs and after effects of eating at a chosen place, complaining about the draft they encountered once at that resturant or movie theater, and relentless “oh, so you know best eh?” towards each other.
How can we take over the world, run the banks, and start these wars if we can’t even decide which time to go out for dinner? Let alone where and which location?
Well, to be honest, I did start a war a year after my bar mitzvah in ’87; I got Zartan and Destro to distrust and battle each other for Cobra Commander’s attention.
PS: H/T to an old John Stewart routine for the joke about going out with my fellow M.O.T’s (Member of the tribe).
I was responsible for the clone wars.
I think it’s pretty obvious, no?
Damn it, whatever happened to everything being Catholics fault? Our Sinead O’Conner glory days are over.
We concede defeat.
Boo Jews stealing all the wars.
HOORAY BEER!!
I am not a Jew, but I do play one on television. I started all the Arab-Israeli Wars, but it was all just a misunderstanding. I said Bud Light, not anti-Semite. Sorry, my bad.
Bah! Our proud regime will take responsibility for ALL war, pestilence and all plague (except for that nasty flu-bug that makes your eyes water) providing you send us Fran Drescher wearing a see-through cat suit and garters. And a can of Redi-Whip.
Wait, wait I can’t keep up, I thought all wars, pestilence and disease were George W. Bush’s fault or the fault of the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy.
Did I miss a memo?
Having Hellbender end… now that is a reason to start a war
I may be Christian, but my family’s got a share of wars under it’s belt. So let’s see.
Well, my grandfather (God rest his soul) started the war between the Irish and British (since he was Irish, nobody suspected him). He figured that when the Brits came, they’d bring some food rations, so all he’d have to do was single-handidly beat them all and take it. Needless to say, it didn’t work out that great, and he had to come to America.
Then, there was my grandma (God rest her soul), my aunt Mary, and my cousins Christopher and Stephanie who caused the Gore wars, because they wanted to make Tipper look like a moron by getting her all fired up, then going to Washington and heckling her for letting her kids listen to the soundtrack to an R rated movie and being surprised at the lyrics. Sadly, grandma had one too many melon martinis (ironic, considering Steph’s recent fetish with apple martinis), and the whole trip got canceled.
Then there’s my dad and I. He taught me the art of war when I was only a wee-infant. What war, you ask? Why, the console wars of Sega and Nintendo. Next to the first time he took me shooting, I don’t think we’ve ever had so much fun together. Of course, the best part of the war was the fact that when we ended it with Nintendo’s victory, it was my dad’s idea to make Sega have to make games for Nintendo. Pure genius on his part.
Last, but not least, there’s just me. For my solo debut, I’m sorry, but I ran out of ideas and just copied my first war, and rekindled the console wars, but this time I made it a threeway between Nintendo, Sony, and Microsoft.
Sigh, I love my family.
According to the BBC website “The UN says some 600 people – about a third of them children – have been killed by Israeli action in Lebanon since their operations began nearly three weeks ago.”
Many congratulations to Israel and it’s massive military achievement, everybody knows that children are the toughest opponent in any war! You can be truly proud of your brave soldiers.
Hey, if your’e going to give a H/T to Jon Stewart it may as well be for this
The way you keep linking to him, it sounds like you’d like to give Jon Stewart a B/J…
No, Anon, but I’ve heard you think Glenn Reynolds is FOXY.
And you left Helen out?
Is she too old, or is it the whole female thing?
ok…i’m down with talk of a blowjob for john stewart…but when the discussion degenerates to the point of sex with Helen Thomas we need to draw the line somewhere! boo sex with old ugly woman…yay beer!
Jim, no corresponding statistics about Israeli casulties?
Sure, jimmyb, here they are:
“A total of 51 Israelis, including at least 18 civilians have been killed since the start of the conflict.”
The death toll from today’s Israeli attack alone:
“More than 54 civilians, at least 34 of them children, have been killed in a town in south Lebanon in the deadliest Israeli strike of the conflict so far.”
There. Now that the corresponding stats are there, thing sure look better, huh.
Hey Jim,
Comparing body counts is stupid. By your logic, then, the Allies of WWII were using “disproportionate force” during their campaign to break Germany – despite suffering about 60 times less civilian deaths/1,000 population, the UK and the US bombed Germany into submission before plowing to Berlin.
The point is, moron, are civilians being deliberately targeted? Does Hezbollah drop pamphlets into Haifa that tell the citizenry who their real targets are? No – because they are already dropping their rockets onto the real targets – the civilian population of Israel. Israel has constantly warned the Lebanese to get out of town because they don’t want to unintentionally hurt them, and because Hezbollah are using them as human shields, if they stick around, they are bound to get hurt.
Don’t get pissed at the Israelis for enforcing edicts when the UN “peacekeepers” fail to do so.
It’s very very very simple, Jim. Israel puts their soldiers between the enemy and their children to protect their children. Terrorists puts their children in front of them as shields to protect the terrorists. This is a pattern – read anything about Black Hawk Down — Muslim terrorists there would hide their soldiers in crowds of women and children to protect the soldier from incoming fire. The US marines simply shot at the ground in front of the crowd to panic the women and children into fleeing, then shot the terrorist.
Similarly, Israel has been warning these villages for days now, and it’s been all over the news, to evacuate. Maybe Ray Naggin lives there now and had better uses for the buses, I don’t know, but you can’t whine that this is somehow anyone’s fault but the ones who probably shipped those kids there and/or held them against their will and/or brainwashed them that this is Allah’s will – because that is the Muslim terrorist way. They do it specifically because twits like you can’t get a clue. So you are FAR more responsible for those kids’ deaths than anyone this side of the conflict. You are the intended audience for this bit of theater. Congrats. Enjoy the show — the actors in this drama love your applause. It’s why they do it.
There’s the old quote “When our enemies love their children more than they hate Israel, we will have peace”. Well, Golda, we’re still waiting. And it’s just too damn sad.
Is there a single incident of Muslim terrorists NOT targeting women and children? Ever? In the history of Islam? Or if they weren’t targeted, was it so that they could be claimed as prizes, as happens to this day in Sudan where Christian women are forcibly married to Muslim men after their husbands are killed?
Now, I’m sure your mind won’t deal well with this and will flood us with obscenities and condescension. Maybe you are trying to claim medical disability for Tourettes Syndrome, I don’t know. But claiming any kind of moral high ground? That would take considerable willful ignorance and inability to understand this stuff. Your argument about everything seems to be “send in troops to sort the terrorists from the civilians and shoot them one at a time”, totally ignoring any concept of warfare in terms of grenades, booby traps, human shields like in Somalia, ambushes, etc, etc, etc. Do I think the number of kids killed is obscene? Yes. Do I recognize who is doing the obscenity by putting them in harms way? Unlike you, yes. Do I recognize that they do this because people like you whine about body counts without looking at the facts? Of course. Do I expect you to get it even with it all spelled out for you? Of course not. Jim, Jimmy, Mister Carter, I guess I shouldn’t expect more.
“Comparing body counts is stupid.”
I agree, and this was a response to jmmyb’s request for corresponding Israeli’s stats. I will forward him your message.
Jimmyb, you are an idiot. There.
“Its very very very very very very simple…..”
Yes, it is, so why don’t you get it. It is not that they don’t mean to kill civilians, its that they don’t give a f*** that they die.
Your argument that they should leave is a very good one.
“Israeli officials say leaflets had been dropped in the area warning civilians to leave their homes so it could conduct more anti-Hezbollah operations.
However, it seems clear that, with the number of civilian cars and convoys which have been bombed on the roads heading to Tyre, many residents could not act on the Israeli warnings.”
and
“The BBC’s Jim Muir, in Qana, says many did not have the means – or were too frightened – to flee.”
Which just goes to prove, the Israeli don’t give a flying f***. They are no better than the terrorists.
“You are the intended audience for this bit of theater.”
Calling the murder of hundereds of children a bit of theater. I would love to see you in a play Kent, you and your entire family. Act for us, please!
Amen Kent
“Now, I’m sure your mind won’t deal well with this and will flood us with obscenities and condescension.”
I rest my case. However, I forgot the whole, “die conservative die and your whole family too” bit that the peace, love and tolerance brood spit. My bad.
I guess I overestimated Jim for a second. It won’t happen again. Terribly sorry.
“I rest my case”
As do I.
“However, I forgot the whole, “die conservative die and your whole family too” bit that the peace, love and tolerance brood spit. My bad.”
and , I forgot the whole, Lebanese children die, and you whole family too, and realise no one is interested in your theatrics. Boo hoo…my children are all dead. Cut the crap, no Reupg is buying a ticket to this show. My bad.
I am still waiting for your brilliant suggestions on how the Lebanese should leave. Should they walk, wearing their new Tommy Hilfiger Vest / Portable Bomb Shelter? Should they ride a bike, one of the new ones, with the energy shields? Or should they carve wings out of wax, and not get too close to the sun? Or did I basically just mention all of your best ideas?
For those that missed it Jimbo, our man of conscience, has already made it clear what he supports.
I will Quote:
“LOL! How about the bright fireballs seen in the sky on 9/11? (Those guys should have really done it on the 4th of July!) Man alive, it sure is great to watch reruns of that festival of light and sound!”
Cheering for the 9/11 murders are you? You sick piece of shit!!!
There you had everybody with all your concerns with “the children”, but it turns out to be just a moral crutch to allow your hatred of the United States.
Hezbollah != Lebanon
So Jimbo thinks Hezbollah is the legitimate governing body within Lebanon. Go figure.
“Calling the murder of hundereds of children a bit of theater. I would love to see you in a play Kent, you and your entire family. Act for us, please!”
So you really want American children in the crossfire to teach us a lesson Jimbo. That’s why we fight wars over there dumbass.
“die conservative die and your whole family too”
Trite and amusing aren’t you. You sack of shit!
I turned cats and dogs against each other. I’m also responsible for the war on poverty and the war on drugs.
The symbol != is an operator, which means is NOT EQUAL TO. You may now rethink all the comments you made when you thought it meant Hezbollah = Lebanon, you “sacks of shit.” What a bunch of morons. LOL. Can’t really expect anything more from Repuglicons, though.
“die conservative die and your whole family too”
To be fair, I never said that. Although, when it is directed at someone who thinks the death of hundereds of children is theatrics, I wouldn’t really disagree with the sentiment.
Umm, can we please get back to the humor thing? Namely, how I single handedly started the console wars even though I’m not Jewish?
No we can not get back to humor because there is a liberal in our midst and libs have no sense of humor. They are the anti-matter of humor. Having no self-awareness, humility, introspection, or historical knowledge, they are thus incapable of finding humor in themselves, others, or the world around them.
I DON’T CARE! I CAUSED A WAR AND WANT PRAISE!
Why do y’all care what Jim thinks? He’s too ignorant to know he’s been PWNED in the other thread. He has done nothing but show his complete lack of understanding as it relates to Justice in War. He’s a fool who has come here to emote, not to discuss.
Wanderng Gunslinger: Good show, starting the Housepet Wars. How’s that working out for you?
I’m not Jewish, so I haven’t started any wars unless you count that food fight in the caffeteria in eighth grade.
A little disappointing. I had hoped that the PSP would put up a much better fight against the DS, but it seems that I tipped the scales too much in Nintendo’s favor. I also really messed up when I made the PS3 so damn expensive. I’ll just have to make sure that I influence Sony enough to make games that are worth it (everyone watch out for Mercenaries 2. That one’ll be something to play).
It is now being reported that the building did not explode untill 7 hours after the Israli’s hit it. Why were all those people still in it and what realy caused it to explode ? Did the terrorests blow it up themselves to try and make look like the Israili’s did it ?
As a black American Conservative Republican I will not be outdone or forgotten in this theatre of Warmongers…I alone won the battle for Kool Aid versus Tang!!!
I can see by the comments in this post, I have started a flame war.
Thumb wars.
Too many to count.
Well, I’m only part Jewish, so I got kicked out of the first conspiracy meeting I went to. However, before I got kicked out, I managed to cause the whole conflict with the IRA. Now, you might be asking, how would I be able to do that when I wasn’t even alive when the conflict started? It’s simple. The Jews aren’t the only ones with conspiracies. The Roman Catholics secretely control space and time. Since I’m a practicing Roman Catholic, I was able to go back in time and cause the conflict.
I’m responsible (in advance) for Israel’s war on Syria and America’s war on Iran.
Comong soon to a theater near you.
Tactics, Strategy, Grand Strategy
I devised the plan.
1996, 2006 same move again, a few un and a few civilians but not same result this time-qana too damascus in 10 minutes by missile
I’m not Jewish, but I caused the civil war…
I started the War of the Austrian Succession. Damn Silesians!
(now how’s that for obscure)
Bah! I have it!
–I– fired “THE BIG BANG!”
Hah! Top that!
(Of course, it’s just a theory.)
S. Willis. Hmmm. So it was you in that Kool Aid vs. Tang conflict? I had always wondered who won that one…
Wandering Gunslinger, Yes, I would pay lots of $$$$ to play Mercenaries 2.
Okay, I did date a jewish chick for awhile. I blew in her ear thinking it was foreplay, and war broke out between the Crips and The Bloods. I was like, dayum!
Jewish chicks are too serious for me.
Yes, Infidel Castro…I started the PowderDrink Wars and led KoolAid to victory. The war itself was obscure to begin with, i led my forces with the 6th OrangeFlavor Regiment. On the KitchenCounter Battlefield the fighting got confusing as the CNN reporters(Condiments News Network) couldnt discern the two different armies, this led the CNN reporters to actually be OBJECTIVE, which created a widespread panic amongst their top producers and editors. So like the French, they pulled their reporters out of the field before they saw me crush the main body of the Tang army and this is why you weren’t sure who actually won that war.
Of course afterward a host of CNN reporters said it was a ‘disproportionate’ response because I used my WMD-Sugar and that Tang was already sweetened.
Always whinning these libs…
Apologies…I meant Infidel Castrol, not Castro.
S. Willis: Do you know how serious this is? If word gets out that even one CNN “journalist” reported a story objectively, you shall likely cause UN Secretary-General Kofi Annan to spontaneously combust.
Do it again.
Please.
This time use all the beverage WMD’s… Nutri-Sweet, fructose, sucrose, aspartane & of course… (harvested in Cuba by a ‘rehabilitated’ Elian Gonzalez) pure cane sugar.
LMAO…with that kind of WMD arsenal…maybe I can get them ALL to combust.
I think you’re on to something…
I’m not Jewish, but I’ve been to Israel (thanks, USN!) & I like the Jewish people. Also, I’m circumcised, so at least part of me looks Jewish.
I think I inadvertently started the war between “tastes great” and “less filling”.