Q: What will prohibiting hair gel, liquid soap, shampoo, and other gel-based toiletries do to stop airline terrorism?

Continue reading ‘Security’ »

Kos, the new leader of the Dicklesscrats (a.k.a. the Daughters of Carter), has posted twice so far today, both about Lieberman and Lamont. I mean, it’s not like anything else important is going on?
Really, these people should be ignored. They are completely unserious and add nothing to the debate. Let these guy play in their sandbox while we try and get things done.

After all of the bodies are counted and the damaged is assessed we have to come to the conclusion that one main group is at the center of all this terrorist activity: Airlines.
That’s right. Airlines have been at the center of September 11th and the most recent foiled terror attempt.
It’s time for the airlines to ask themselves this question: Why are we so hated? Is it the stupid bag of peanuts that some of us now charge you for? Is it that we get so easily offended when you call us stewardesses instead of flight attendants? Are the male flight attendants too queer? Not queer enough? Do you want an ENTIRE can of soda?
These are the questions the airline industry must ask itself.
Sure, there have been attacks on other transportation systems, but that’s mostly because these other systems such as the Spanish trains and those funny British buses have provided aid and support to the airlines — mostly in the form of rides to and from the airports. Sometimes in the form of advertising.
Don’t you think the terrorists see all of this? Do we have no regard for their feelings? It’s not wonder they hate the airlines.
Here’s an outline of what the airlines can do to get along better with those who are disgruntled at their Frequent Flier Politics.
Mohammed Mondays. They went their whole childhood with everyone having the same name. In any given school there are almost as many Mohammeds as there are Ashleys and Joses. Well now that name is going to pay off big time because anyone named Mohammed can get faster boarding service on Mondays. Life is too short to spend it like everyone else. It’s time to get them on that plane!!
Better Customer Service. In looking at the printing on my ticket, I’ve noticed that most airline tickets run out of letters before they finish spelling your name. This is inconsiderate and is bound to be the reason for at least 1 out of the 4 airplanes hijacked on September 11th. Through better service and ticketing technology, these tickets can not only list a Middle Easterners full name, but also list the name of all 72 promised virgins.
Frisk Free Fridays. Nothing is more irritating to a Muslim traveler more than getting frisked at the front security gate. It frustrating and only makes them want to blow people up even faster. Frisk Free Friday would mean that everyone could simply walk through the gate. Not worry about security – suspicious people, such as old ladies and people wearing crucifixes would still go through the standard body cavity search.
Special Movies: The latest movie, featuring American atrocities carried out in the Middle East, is always a popular activity to help whittle away the hours. Current movies even feature popular American actors!
New Dress Code. Just the other day, passengers were complaining that they could see the flight attendants ankles. This is unacceptable because it leads to what is commonly referred to as “Mile High Lust.”
By making the attendants, and all passengers for that matter, wear a Burqua, we can keep them from tempting men.
Those are just a few of the changes the airlines can make. If they institute some of these changes, and they should considering the quality of my recommendations, then we can finally have some world peace.
So ladies and gentlemen, when traveling, remember this important tip: Monday is a good day to fly.
UPDATE: D’oh!!! Curse you SCRAPPLEFACE!! You beat me to the punch!!
:: shakes fist ::

James Joyner at Outside the Beltway just yesterday had a post about why we’ll never see the terror alert system will never be anything other than yellow or orange (i.e., it’s always going to rest on just two out of five of its possible levels). Today, we have a red alert being used for (what I think is) the first time. Of course, it’s limited in scope to planes coming from the UK to the US. Maybe in the same vein, we could finally lower the terror alert to blue in a limited scope (maybe we can set the terror alert to blue for people in the international space since, as far as we know, jihadis have yet to make escape velocity — at least not with all pieces of them at once).
Anyway, I still think James’s logic was pretty much right… if just slightly off as today’s events have shown.
And he’s certainly right about my Homeland Security Alert Levels parody.

I want these THISISSPAMTHISISSPAManet!
So where are we? Terror plot foiled (hopefully) about blowing up planes between the U.S. and the U.K. and there are still a bunch of Egyptians illegally in the country for who knows what reason (are they just cutting class or what?). All the while, most of us are getting wary that the war in Iraq is going nowhere and the “War on Terror” is nothing more than a phrase.
Let’s stand back and look at the facts: There are a bunch of murderous @#$% out there who want to kill innocent people.
Now there are a couple of approaches to this problem:
1. You do your best to not make them angry. You leave the Middle East, you stop supporting Israel, and you hope that makes them so happy that they’ll just give up being murderery (“We have to focus on the root causes of terrorism”,”Why do they hate us”,etc.). We’ll call this the “dickless” approach.
2. You focus on stopping attacks in America. You pour all you can into intelligence hoping you’ll stop attacks in this country, but you don’t just stomp off into the Middle East to get the terrorists because that will cause a “quagmire.” In other words, you wait for them to come to you… really hoping they won’t, though. We’ll call this the “hung like an infant” approach.
3. You put a bullet in a terrorist’s head before the terror plot even gets there. You go after them, and you kill them and stop them now. We’ll call this the “kill the @#$%ers” approach.
Now, as we all know, it’s really easy to say “kill the @#$%ers” but harder to implement in practice. We were hardly in Afghanistan a couple of hours before people started shouting, “Quagmire!” We’ve been in Iraq for years, and we have killed a lot of @#$%ers, but no one sees an end in sight. We’re worried it’s only going to get worse, and there’s lots of talk about when are we getting out of there.
Only problem is the murderous @#$% are still out there and they still want to kill. So leaving isn’t an option at all.
Do we ramp up the conflict? Won’t that only get us into a quagmire?
Far as I’ve seen things in my limited ability to analyze military actions (and granted I’m not even good at chess), the way you get in a quagmire is you get yourself in a situation where the enemy doesn’t think we have it in us to attack them harder so they keep hurting us until we just decide to give up.
And do you think the enemy believe we’re ready to really massacre the @#$%ers? When you watch TV, is the number one concern on everyone’s mind, “Why aren’t these @#$%ers all dead?”
No. You look at America right now, there is no reason to take us seriously. Our military is plenty serious (just look at this guy). The only problem is they are constrained by our fickle nature. If the public isn’t serious, then the politicians will make sure the military isn’t deployed seriously. They will try to protect the troops by essentially holding them back from getting the job done.
Which protects no one.
We have to get in there and we have to kill all the @#$%ers. Yes, this will make many other countries mad. But, who cares? There are @#$%ers who need killing and that should be our largest concern. If people in the Middle East get mad at our presence, we simply tell them, “Well, we wouldn’t have to be here if you just killed your own damn @#$%ers.” And we’ll set solid conditions which we’ll leave, that other countries can hold us to, but those conditions will always be in the form of “we’ll leave when these certain @#$%ers are dead.” And we’ll name the particular @#$%ers, and upon their demise, we will leave. And thus we can all work together to one goal that will make everyone happy– except, of course, the @#$%ers who have no reason to ever be happy.
So how to get there? For that, we need serious politicians. We need people who aren’t going to back down until all the @#$%ers are dead. We need people who, when they see the current bills before Congress, will exclaim, “Minimum wage? Estate tax? How the hell are these things going to help us kill the @#$%ers?”
Because the federal government wasn’t made to give us handouts and wipe our noses; its purpose is to protect us from the @#$%ers out there in foreign lands. Now there are plenty of dickless people out there who will argue against this. If you’ve been following just the lefty blogs over the past month, you’d think that Lieberman was a much bigger threat to the world than Hezbollah. That’s because the dickless out there are a bunch of gnats; annoying little things to be ignored and swatted on some occasions but pointless to debate. The dickless want to minimize that there are terrorists out there and focus on winning a few elections and forwarding their agendas full of piddling crap. Basically, there is a gun battle going on around them, and they’re trying to cover their ears and continue playing Chutes and Ladders.
Useless. Dickless. Not worth our time.
What we need is to get candidates out there who will run under a platform of “We must kill all the @#$%ers.” That’s the only issue the Republicans should push forward right now. But let’s not be like those annoying little gnats and think the goal in politics is getting “our people” elected. The goal is to kill the @#$%ers. If some hippie Democrat smelling of patchouli oil runs on a platform of “Free healthcare, saving the environment, gay marriage, more handouts for the poor, and killing all the @#$%ers” he’d get my vote over anyone else out there.
The point is that there are people out there who have murdered thousands of innocents and they will keep trying and trying until they murder thousands more. Are we going to be able to keep focuses on that fact until all the @#$%ers are dead?
I dunno, but we have to try. We might as well start this election cycle.