Grim at Blackfive actually found a post at DailyKos worth reading. It’s true! Go check it out.
Archive of entries posted on 23rd August 2006
In My World: There’s No Cure for Cancer or Being a Lame Duck
Bush waited by his car in the desert as a truck and a limousine pulled up. Out of the limo exited an Arab gentleman. “Are you ready to buy?”
“If you have the product,” Bush answered.
The Arab opened the back of the truck and took out a barrel. He then pulled off the lid. “Pure crude oil. Yours for only $25 a barrel.”
The Arab began to replace the lid, but Bush stopped him. “I want to check this out.” He stuck two fingers into the crude and then tasted it. He frowned and then leapt at the Arab, grabbing him by the neck. “You watered it down, you macaca!”
“No! It’s pure crude oil! I swear!”
“If you’re product is so great… THEN WHY DON’T YOU DIE IN IT!” Bush shoved the Arab’s man head into the barrel of oil and held it there until he stopped moving.
“Great,” Condoleezza Rice sighed, “You killed another Saudi prince.”
Bush left the Arab in the barrel and walked back to the car. “So what? They have thousands more.” They both got in the car.
“You just seemed more stressed and more murderous lately,” Condi said as the car headed out of the desert.
“Hey, not only do I have these gas prices to worry about, but I got terrorism and Iraq and Iran and Hezbollah and North Korea and stupid Democrats and illegal immigration.” Bush looked to the driver. “You’re legal, right?”
“No hablo ingles.”
“See!” Bush said to Condi. “They’re all problems and they’re not getting better. If I don’t solve them all before the end of my term, everyone is going to say, ‘Well, that Bush guy, he was no good.’ They might even strike my name from the list of Presidents and I’ll be forgotten like President Redding.”
“Who?”
“Exactly.”
“Well, Mr. President, since you can’t solve all problems, maybe you should try focusing on one thing. I would suggest–”
“I could cure cancer!” Bush exclaimed. “Then everyone would remember me as the best President ever!”
“I was going to suggest focusing on terrorism,” Condi said. “You don’t anything about cancer… or curing… or, well, anything.”
“Bah! That’s what they told the guy who cured polio, and now everyone remembers his name… uh… Louie Pasteur.”
Condi shook her head. “I guess I’ll warn Tony to prepare defending you to the media for your newest misadventure.”
“That’s what he’s there for.”
“Rarr!” Rumsfeld shouted. “I’m the Secretary of War! What am I doing in this lab? Science is for homosexuals!”
“I want you to help me cure cancer,” Bush said. “It will make you seem more likeable. Now, the first step in curing cancer is to have a test subject with cancer to try your cure on. Open up that barrel, take out a test monkey, and give it cancer.”
Rumsfeld opened the barrel covered in warning signs and took out a monkey. “How do I give it cancer? I only know how to snap their necks.”
“We have to dose it with radiation.” Bush looked around the room. “The copier! I bet that’s full of radiation. Hold the monkey down in the copier while I press the copy button.”
Rumsfeld pressed the monkey against the glass and Bush hit the copy button. The monkey screeched and tried to claw away each time the light flashed in its face.
“He seems to not like this,” Rumsfeld observed.
“Then it’s probably working in giving him cancer!” Bush kept hitting the copy button. “Copy the monkey! Copy the monkey!”
Rumsfeld looked at the copier tray. “All I see coming out of this is a bunch of pictures of an angry monkey.”
“And that’s worth something too!”
Suddenly, the barrel of monkeys fell over and the angry screeching monkeys ran out the door.
“You didn’t put the lid back on tight!” Bush yelled.
“Handling monkeys isn’t my job,” Rumsfeld snarled.
There was a scream, and then a desperate Laura Bush appeared at the door. “There are monkeys loose in the White House!”
“Hmm… I wonder how that happened?” Bush said innocently. “I better call the exterminator.”
Laura looked at the monkey being held on the copier. “What are you doing with that monkey?”
“Well… uh… when we found there were monkeys in the White House,” Bush said, “we thought we better copy one to send the image to the police to see if they can identify the monkey as part of a terrorist plot. What we were most certainly not doing is trying to give the monkey cancer.”
Laura gave Bush and Rumsfeld a suspicious look. “I’m keeping an eye on you two.” She then left the room.
Rumsfeld took the monkey off the copier. “I’m done here.”
“What? But we haven’t cured cancer yet!”
Rumsfeld tossed the monkey into a nearby receptacle. “I have the deaths of many brown people to plot.”
Bush ran to the receptacle. “Hey! That bin was for recyclable paper only!” He turned to see that Rumsfeld had already left. “I’m surrounded by incompetence. Now I have to sort this paper from monkey before all our recycling is ruined.” He reached into the bin, and then quickly retracted his hand. “Ow! Either a monkey or some paper bit me!”
Amateur Hour in Terrorism
Well, the good news is that Steve Centanni and his cameraman Olaf Wiig are alive. The bad news is that they were apparently kidnapped by the Palestinian terrorists who were stuck in all the “special” classes at terrorism school. First, it takes more than a week before the “Holy Jihad Brigades” made any contact to the media (Did they spend the whole time trying to figure out how to setup the video camera? Find someone literate enough to write a statement? Get their hands unstuck from a vending machine?). Now, they demand all Muslim prisoners in the U.S. be released in the next 72 hours. Why don’t they just demand a complete surrender of all American forces while they’re shooting for the moon?
Anyway, keep up your prayers for Centanni and Wiig; hopefully the nutters are as unserious in violence as they are in their ransom.
You Have Harvey on You!
Harvey has out ten new designs, each starting with a common liberal trope and then ending with a conservative kicker. You see, the muckadoo slogan get the liberal to start reading the shirt, and the second part is then like a punch to his dumb, monkey face.
I’ll soon add some more designs to the IMAO Store – some by request and some my own ideas – out soon. Also, I’m currently working on a brand new design for ThoseShirts.com which should premiere soon.
Terrorist Awareness Quiz
(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)
I think it’s wonderful that citizens are aware of the terrorist threat, but recently there have been several false alarms turned in by folks who obviously aren’t qualified to spot terrorists. For example:
Cargo containerfull of explosives in Seattle! … just dirty rags.
1000 cell phones bought by Arabs for explosive triggers!… just buying them cheap to re-sell later.
Crazed jihadi hijacks plane with napalm!… just a claustrophobic grandmother with a jar of vaseline.
Are YOU qualified to spot terrorist threats? Take this short quiz and find out:
1. 12 men are huddled together whispering to each other. They are.
a) Terrorists
b) A football team about to get a 5-yard penalty
c) The Disciples killing time waiting for Jesus to get back from Starbucks with their morning coffee.
2. Someone sits at a workbench, alternately mumbling curses and prayers to himself as he sticks wires into high explosives. This is:
a) Terrorist activity
b) Just another day at Industrial Light & Magic
c) The ever-optimistic Wile E. Coyote
3. An angry, bearded man shakes his fists and ululates at the sky. He is:
a) A terrorist
b) Harvey stepping on a nail
c) Al Gore giving a speech
4. A stray dog wanders up to you as you sit at an outdoor cafe. You should:
a) Suspect that terrorists have strapped explosives to it
b) Change tables – your shoes are both expensive and not drool-proof
c) Angrily send the dog back into the kitchen, complaining that you specifically ordered “well done”.
5. You see a piece of unattended luggage at the airport. It’s probably:
a) A terrorist’s explosive device
b) A clue in some stupid race-around-the-world reality show
c) Odo doing undercover work
6. Middle-Eastern men are taking surreptitious camera-phone pictures near a national landmark. They are:
a) Gathering intelligence for a future terrorist attack
b) Just dorky tourists who are too cheap to buy a REAL camera
c) Gathering photos for later uploading to their hotnakedankles.com porn site
7. You open a package and notice a white, powdery substance. This is a case of:
a) A terrorist anthrax assault
b) The post office brutally mishandling your order of Enzyte
c) You forgetting to wash your hands after scattering lime over the shallow graves in your basement
Score as follows:
a – 1 point
b – 2 points
c – 3 points
Grading:
1-6 points: Either you suck at math or you skipped a question.
7-11 points: You’re far too twitchy to be trusted with our national security. Lock yourself in a closet with a Louisville Slugger, ya big scaredy-cat!
12-16 points: Your finely-honed sense of danger is balanced with a generous dollop of common sense. America needs more people like you. An Army recruiter will be contacting you shortly.
17-21 points: Fictional characters? Dog-eating? Hiding bodies? You’re a criminally insane psychotic freak. A danger to yourself and others. A Marine recruiter will be contacting you shortly.
22 or more points: CHEATER!
So… how did you do?
NOTE: Please be aware that scoring 22 or more points may cause you to be contacted by the DNC’s “Get Out the Vote” committee.
Frank in Italian… and Back to English!
Here’s a scan of the page from the Italain paper Libero that contains my interview. I have a 1MB PDF of the page, but I didn’t know how to turn that into a decent size image.
For those, like me, who can’t read Italian, Francesco Poli (who scanned the image and also helped me with the interview by providing me information on Romano Prodi) has the translation. Now, some answers are quite a bit different than I remember, but, since I answered in English, the paper then edited that and translated it to Italiana, and Francesco translated it back to English, it’s hard to tell where the changes occured.
Anyhoo, here’s the interview translated back to English:
Today’s Simpsons Trivia
1) (T/F) Homer says “Ay carumba!” when he sees something surprising
2) What is Marge’s name short for?
3) Besides the yellow & black warning stripe, what else is on the door to Homer’s workstation?
4) What does Otto the bus driver call his dad?
Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.