By cutting back on maintenance of course.
As more than 200 Denver- bound United Airlines passengers waited to board Flight 909 from Chicago on Monday, it became apparent that something was wrong.
The Boeing 777, parked at the gate at O’Hare International Airport, was extremely hot. As in 115 degrees. The plane’s auxiliary power unit, which generates electricity when engines are shut down at the gate, was broken. That killed the air conditioning and triggered a five-hour ordeal for passengers and crew.
All other flights to Denver were booked. United tried to find a replacement plane, but none was available.
United officials had a dilemma: Figure out how to cool the plane in near 100-degree heat, then board the passengers and send them to Denver; or buy them hotel rooms in Chicago.
They chose the first option.
As the knight said in the third Indiana Jones movie, they chose poorly.
Now, this incident alone might make you think United Airlines was just a bunch of cold-hearted bastards looking to make q uick buck off of the suckers unlucky enough to have Priceline put their asses in United seats, but the truth is that every airline is running a passenger torture promotion of one sort of another:
- Southwest Airlines has implemented a new policy, replacing beverage service with a punch in the face. Alcoholic beverages will be available for a slight fee, but they come with two punches in the face.
- Delta Airlines runs a lottery on flights 2 hours or longer where the winner is stuffed into a bathroom with 100 live rats.
- Olympic Airlines makes you sit next to a smelly Greek. (Oh, wait… they’ve always done that.)
- American Airlines has ordered all pilots to scream nonstop during bad weather conditions. When they’re drunk, they take turns playing the Arab with the boxcutter.
- JetBlue has cut back unionized staff, using prisoners as cabin attendants. But don’t worry… prisoners can’t fashion deadly weapons from ordinary objects, can they?
- You don’t want the Kosher meals from Northwest. Trust me on this.
- Continental still provides pillows and blankets. Of course, what’s to stop them from smothering you with them in your sleep?
- TWA hasn’t actually resumed operations, but they will occasionally roll a plane up to a gate, take on passengers, and then run up and down the aisle with a baseball bat taking swings at anyone asking to deplane.
- El Al’s Complaints Department responds with “Without us, you’d be riding in boxcars to your deaths! Be grateful all we did was lose your luggage!”
NO
Ajubajubajubajubajub
“Please deplane the plane.”
WHAT!
Take its wings off?
*THUNK
ka-flop
I’m still mad at United. It’s not really their fault, but it’s the principle.
When I took UAL to California, I had a layover in Denver. No biggie b/c I was expecting to find Coors Original on tap. In the whole freakin’ airport, all they had was Coors Light. Considering I had a case at home, I passed.
Once I thought I had Coors Light on tap, but it turns out it was just one of those clap on / clap off light switches on top of a gatorade bottle. Long story short, you didn’t come out of the deal too badly.
Gatorade = electrolytes
Electrolytes + electricity + Water = mcgnarly
Looks like it’s Air Jamaica for me. They have smoke filled cabins, but it’s not from passenger torture or equipment failure…
United has a horrible problem and I am calling for a nationwide BOYCOTT! There, I said it!
While at Washington Dulles, they tried to take away my First Class Seat that I earned by having to be kicked off of flight after flight even though I was booked months in advanced due to their “double booking Policy”. I demanded answers from that BCH, but she was acting very lebanese to me. So I called my contact in India (where United keeps their 1-800 call center, you know.)
I explained to them that the BCH at the counter took away my hard earned first class ticket (oh, by the way, I am military… that kind of plays in to this story, FYI) and they Indian person (that would be dot, not feather, slurpy, not peyote…)said I was not in a double booked seat and that it was mine. She told me to remain calm and take the coach seat that BCH was trying to pass to me and then take down her name and have her call the supervisor.
Well, I asked that BCH at the front desk and she pointed to her name tag. Now, her name tag said A. GENTE….(now I think that isn’t even her last name, but a clever way of trying to make it seem like a name while actually only meaning “AGENT”)
HMMMM… but I digress
So I asked her what her first name was and she pointed to it again.
I asked her again, saying… “Ma’am, I am asking you one more time… What is your first name??”
She screamed, “ARE YOU THREATENING ME??!”
I said no, I just need her name.
she screams again, “YOUR THREATENING ME! I’M CALLING THE POLICE!!!!” (she added all the exclamation marks, not me.)
I turned to others near the counter
To the co-pilot that was for some wierd reason standing in line by the departures counter, I asked if he thought I was threatening to her. He said no. To the Swedish people next to me who just got lost on a flight if I was threatening. They said no. So I had witnesses when the Cops came.
Great. So now, am I, a soldier, going to get smacked onto the “No fly list?”
Lets find out…
A lady comes up to me out of the blue, tells me to just get in line and get on the plane.
So I do.
I sit in my new “Coach” seat. 25C
Turns out, I was in some guys seat, and this is a FULL FLIGHT!
I turn to an attend who says she will call about it.
great… now she’ll call the terminal and they will be like, oh, yeah! The cops are after this guy!
But she gets the response…
“Sir,” She says, “you are supposed to be up in first class… seat number 3F, sir.”
Whew! I think.
So I get up to first class. Check
I order a beer. Check.
Then they close the door and the plane backs from the gate.
I sigh a relief.
I am listening to the air traffic control station (as I am a soldier, I like to hear if there are any problems or distress signals like a hijacking so I can stick a ball point pen int o someone’s neck.)
We get to the apron right next to the runway….
…. And stop.
Oh crap!
Then the tower radios… “United flight 947 heavy, shut down your engine.”
“United 947, copy.”
CRAP!!!!
Are they coming to get me?
Nope! There’s a thunderstorm a brewing.
We will sit on the tarmac for two more hours before getting a redirect around the storm.
I am granted a reprieve and I never hear anything about it again.
Whew! So I am NOT on the no-fly list (thank god!)
Funny stuff Mr. Simon. And Jay, thanks for the story, and thank you for serving your country.
Odd, I wonder what happened to the gate A/C units (the primary way to cool an airplane on the ground is through the jetway system, it saves fuel if nothing else).
A few years back DFW shut down the jetway A/C for 6 weeks in July and August for “routine maintenance.” Why bother with maintenance if you’re going to shut them off when it gets hot?
DohXs
Yeah… That was on July 22, 2006. I HATE UNITED!
BAHHH!
I’m still waiting for my Braniff flight out of Houston Hobby…
Northwest needs to be punched in its monkey face! This past week I flew four different flights on Northwest. One of them was almost on time while the others were not even close. Two of the flights had gate changes for connecting flights that the crew never bothered to mention. My last flight was able to make up all of twenty minutes of the time after not getting away from the gate for forty minutes from the stated departure time. When the plane landed in Minneapolis there was a twenty-minute delay because there was not an open terminal for departure. While waiting on the tarmac for a gate to open, there was a swishing male/female (not sure which) who made it apparent that he/she/it was in charge and would not let a young girl use the toilet because the captain had not turned off the unbuckle seatbelt light. Of course this asshat had to mention this slight indiscretion over the plans intercom so that all of the 300+ passengers got a chance to notice this 14, or so, kid that had to pee after the flight being royally screwed up from the very beginning! I think most of the passengers were embarrassed for her.
After getting off of the flight that offered everyone a small ice infested soft drink, the time for the luggage to begin to arrive at the luggage carousel was another forty minutes. Of course, this is not just a pain for the traveler, but for those who arrive to pick up the passenger. Never fly on an airline that has declared bankruptcy and all of the monkey faced union members want to make life miserable because they can’t strike for wages above 36K to clean the inside of a damn airplane! I know what to do with monkey faces!
As a former TWA flight attendant, all I can say is….. I freakin’ wish!! And thanks for remembering us…..
I use to sell Travelers Cheques covered the upper 1/4 of the US. I flew around 200,000 miles my last year with the company in 1989 with Northworst Airlines! They need a punch in their dumb monkey faces and a kick in their dumb monkey crotches…including their female flight personnel…who all have bigger balls than most men! I hate this airline and still don’t want to get on a plane!
Another terrorist supporting newspaper
I once won Delta’s lottery. They only had 50 rats so they made me stay in there 4 hours.
When I hafta fly I borrow Wonder
Womans invisible plane. It took a while to learn how to fly it, since all the controls are invisible, not to mention just getting in the damn thing. Waiot a minute! Maybe the invisible jet doesn’t even exist!? Maybe someday United will not exist. Maybe United should switch to invisible jets! I gotta go now, I’m scared!
Jay – Thank you. Come again!
GUNGA
Yeah… It takes you an hour to get out a simple suggestion to them as to where to put their head because they keep repeating what you said like it was their suggestion in the first place. They keep calling you “my friend” as in “Thank you my friend” and it is patronizing as HELL!
Anyway… I want to BOYCOTT (there, I said it again!) any company with call centers in India (I mean convenience stores, not casinos) and if that means MICROSOFT, too, then I guess Steve Jobs is gonna get a lot more business!
LOL. Those invible planes make using the head ummmmmmmmmm, uncomfotable.