Archive of entries posted on August 2006

Hitler’s Cross needs a new name!

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The Bombay/Mumbai restaurant that glorified Hitler will be changing its name soon:

A restaurant named after Adolf Hitler that enraged Bombay’s Jewish community will soon have a new monicker, its owner promised Thursday.
Puneet Sablok said he would remove Hitler’s name and the Nazi swastika from billboards and the eatery’s menu since it had angered so many people. He had previously said the name and symbols were only meant to attract attention.
“Yes, I have decided to change the name. I never wanted to hurt people’s feelings,” said Sablok, who made the decision after meeting with members from Bombay’s small Jewish community. He did not say what the new name would be.

So, what Jew-hater should he name it after now?

Continue reading ‘Hitler’s Cross needs a new name!’ »

Too Small to Stick Up for Itself

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Pluto has been stripped of its planet status. All you’ve been taught in your youth has been rendered invalid by cold-hearted astronomers.
I demand vengeance!
Vengeance for Pluto!
…Even though it is quite small!
Who’s with me?

What’s Next? Cats and Dogs Living Together?

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Grim at Blackfive actually found a post at DailyKos worth reading. It’s true! Go check it out.

In My World: There’s No Cure for Cancer or Being a Lame Duck

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Bush waited by his car in the desert as a truck and a limousine pulled up. Out of the limo exited an Arab gentleman. “Are you ready to buy?”
“If you have the product,” Bush answered.
The Arab opened the back of the truck and took out a barrel. He then pulled off the lid. “Pure crude oil. Yours for only $25 a barrel.”
The Arab began to replace the lid, but Bush stopped him. “I want to check this out.” He stuck two fingers into the crude and then tasted it. He frowned and then leapt at the Arab, grabbing him by the neck. “You watered it down, you macaca!”
“No! It’s pure crude oil! I swear!”
“If you’re product is so great… THEN WHY DON’T YOU DIE IN IT!” Bush shoved the Arab’s man head into the barrel of oil and held it there until he stopped moving.
“Great,” Condoleezza Rice sighed, “You killed another Saudi prince.”
Bush left the Arab in the barrel and walked back to the car. “So what? They have thousands more.” They both got in the car.
“You just seemed more stressed and more murderous lately,” Condi said as the car headed out of the desert.
“Hey, not only do I have these gas prices to worry about, but I got terrorism and Iraq and Iran and Hezbollah and North Korea and stupid Democrats and illegal immigration.” Bush looked to the driver. “You’re legal, right?”
“No hablo ingles.”
“See!” Bush said to Condi. “They’re all problems and they’re not getting better. If I don’t solve them all before the end of my term, everyone is going to say, ‘Well, that Bush guy, he was no good.’ They might even strike my name from the list of Presidents and I’ll be forgotten like President Redding.”
“Who?”
“Exactly.”
“Well, Mr. President, since you can’t solve all problems, maybe you should try focusing on one thing. I would suggest–”
“I could cure cancer!” Bush exclaimed. “Then everyone would remember me as the best President ever!”
“I was going to suggest focusing on terrorism,” Condi said. “You don’t anything about cancer… or curing… or, well, anything.”
“Bah! That’s what they told the guy who cured polio, and now everyone remembers his name… uh… Louie Pasteur.”
Condi shook her head. “I guess I’ll warn Tony to prepare defending you to the media for your newest misadventure.”
“That’s what he’s there for.”

“Rarr!” Rumsfeld shouted. “I’m the Secretary of War! What am I doing in this lab? Science is for homosexuals!”
“I want you to help me cure cancer,” Bush said. “It will make you seem more likeable. Now, the first step in curing cancer is to have a test subject with cancer to try your cure on. Open up that barrel, take out a test monkey, and give it cancer.”
Rumsfeld opened the barrel covered in warning signs and took out a monkey. “How do I give it cancer? I only know how to snap their necks.”
“We have to dose it with radiation.” Bush looked around the room. “The copier! I bet that’s full of radiation. Hold the monkey down in the copier while I press the copy button.”
Rumsfeld pressed the monkey against the glass and Bush hit the copy button. The monkey screeched and tried to claw away each time the light flashed in its face.
“He seems to not like this,” Rumsfeld observed.
“Then it’s probably working in giving him cancer!” Bush kept hitting the copy button. “Copy the monkey! Copy the monkey!”
Rumsfeld looked at the copier tray. “All I see coming out of this is a bunch of pictures of an angry monkey.”
“And that’s worth something too!”
Suddenly, the barrel of monkeys fell over and the angry screeching monkeys ran out the door.
“You didn’t put the lid back on tight!” Bush yelled.
“Handling monkeys isn’t my job,” Rumsfeld snarled.
There was a scream, and then a desperate Laura Bush appeared at the door. “There are monkeys loose in the White House!”
“Hmm… I wonder how that happened?” Bush said innocently. “I better call the exterminator.”
Laura looked at the monkey being held on the copier. “What are you doing with that monkey?”
“Well… uh… when we found there were monkeys in the White House,” Bush said, “we thought we better copy one to send the image to the police to see if they can identify the monkey as part of a terrorist plot. What we were most certainly not doing is trying to give the monkey cancer.”
Laura gave Bush and Rumsfeld a suspicious look. “I’m keeping an eye on you two.” She then left the room.
Rumsfeld took the monkey off the copier. “I’m done here.”
“What? But we haven’t cured cancer yet!”
Rumsfeld tossed the monkey into a nearby receptacle. “I have the deaths of many brown people to plot.”
Bush ran to the receptacle. “Hey! That bin was for recyclable paper only!” He turned to see that Rumsfeld had already left. “I’m surrounded by incompetence. Now I have to sort this paper from monkey before all our recycling is ruined.” He reached into the bin, and then quickly retracted his hand. “Ow! Either a monkey or some paper bit me!”

Amateur Hour in Terrorism

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Well, the good news is that Steve Centanni and his cameraman Olaf Wiig are alive. The bad news is that they were apparently kidnapped by the Palestinian terrorists who were stuck in all the “special” classes at terrorism school. First, it takes more than a week before the “Holy Jihad Brigades” made any contact to the media (Did they spend the whole time trying to figure out how to setup the video camera? Find someone literate enough to write a statement? Get their hands unstuck from a vending machine?). Now, they demand all Muslim prisoners in the U.S. be released in the next 72 hours. Why don’t they just demand a complete surrender of all American forces while they’re shooting for the moon?
Anyway, keep up your prayers for Centanni and Wiig; hopefully the nutters are as unserious in violence as they are in their ransom.

You Have Harvey on You!

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Harvey has out ten new designs, each starting with a common liberal trope and then ending with a conservative kicker. You see, the muckadoo slogan get the liberal to start reading the shirt, and the second part is then like a punch to his dumb, monkey face.
I’ll soon add some more designs to the IMAO Store – some by request and some my own ideas – out soon. Also, I’m currently working on a brand new design for ThoseShirts.com which should premiere soon.

Terrorist Awareness Quiz

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(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)
I think it’s wonderful that citizens are aware of the terrorist threat, but recently there have been several false alarms turned in by folks who obviously aren’t qualified to spot terrorists. For example:
Cargo containerfull of explosives in Seattle! … just dirty rags.
1000 cell phones bought by Arabs for explosive triggers!… just buying them cheap to re-sell later.
Crazed jihadi hijacks plane with napalm!… just a claustrophobic grandmother with a jar of vaseline.
Are YOU qualified to spot terrorist threats? Take this short quiz and find out:
1. 12 men are huddled together whispering to each other. They are.
a) Terrorists
b) A football team about to get a 5-yard penalty
c) The Disciples killing time waiting for Jesus to get back from Starbucks with their morning coffee.
2. Someone sits at a workbench, alternately mumbling curses and prayers to himself as he sticks wires into high explosives. This is:
a) Terrorist activity
b) Just another day at Industrial Light & Magic
c) The ever-optimistic Wile E. Coyote
3. An angry, bearded man shakes his fists and ululates at the sky. He is:
a) A terrorist
b) Harvey stepping on a nail
c) Al Gore giving a speech
4. A stray dog wanders up to you as you sit at an outdoor cafe. You should:
a) Suspect that terrorists have strapped explosives to it
b) Change tables – your shoes are both expensive and not drool-proof
c) Angrily send the dog back into the kitchen, complaining that you specifically ordered “well done”.
5. You see a piece of unattended luggage at the airport. It’s probably:
a) A terrorist’s explosive device
b) A clue in some stupid race-around-the-world reality show
c) Odo doing undercover work
6. Middle-Eastern men are taking surreptitious camera-phone pictures near a national landmark. They are:
a) Gathering intelligence for a future terrorist attack
b) Just dorky tourists who are too cheap to buy a REAL camera
c) Gathering photos for later uploading to their hotnakedankles.com porn site
7. You open a package and notice a white, powdery substance. This is a case of:
a) A terrorist anthrax assault
b) The post office brutally mishandling your order of Enzyte
c) You forgetting to wash your hands after scattering lime over the shallow graves in your basement
Score as follows:
a – 1 point
b – 2 points
c – 3 points
Grading:
1-6 points: Either you suck at math or you skipped a question.
7-11 points: You’re far too twitchy to be trusted with our national security. Lock yourself in a closet with a Louisville Slugger, ya big scaredy-cat!
12-16 points: Your finely-honed sense of danger is balanced with a generous dollop of common sense. America needs more people like you. An Army recruiter will be contacting you shortly.
17-21 points: Fictional characters? Dog-eating? Hiding bodies? You’re a criminally insane psychotic freak. A danger to yourself and others. A Marine recruiter will be contacting you shortly.
22 or more points: CHEATER!
So… how did you do?
NOTE: Please be aware that scoring 22 or more points may cause you to be contacted by the DNC’s “Get Out the Vote” committee.

Frank in Italian… and Back to English!

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Here’s a scan of the page from the Italain paper Libero that contains my interview. I have a 1MB PDF of the page, but I didn’t know how to turn that into a decent size image.
For those, like me, who can’t read Italian, Francesco Poli (who scanned the image and also helped me with the interview by providing me information on Romano Prodi) has the translation. Now, some answers are quite a bit different than I remember, but, since I answered in English, the paper then edited that and translated it to Italiana, and Francesco translated it back to English, it’s hard to tell where the changes occured.
Anyhoo, here’s the interview translated back to English:

Continue reading ‘Frank in Italian… and Back to English!’ »

Today’s Simpsons Trivia

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(Introduction)

1) (T/F) Homer says “Ay carumba!” when he sees something surprising
2) What is Marge’s name short for?
3) Besides the yellow & black warning stripe, what else is on the door to Homer’s workstation?
4) What does Otto the bus driver call his dad?
Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Fun New IMAO Game: Faux-Troll Patrol!

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When trolls go on long rants in the comments section, I find myself just skipping what they wrote, and I bet a lot of you do the same. That’s not fair to people who take the time to add content to IMAO. So, to encourage thorough reading of the trolls, we have fun new IMAO game!
Sometime, I may secretly add sentences into a troll’s rant. The challenge for you is to identify those added sentences hidden amongst the original sentences. I added sentences to a rant today, and I added sentences to rant from yesterday as well.
Oh, and there is a secret indication of what rants I added sentences to. See if you can figure out the signal!
Also, no fair pointing out the added sentences if you wrote the rant.
Fun game! Play now!

End the Fear-Mongering: Facts About Muslims

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Everyone seems scared of Muslims and terrorists these days. So many people these days when passing a a mosque will wonder if people inside are plotting against the country. On one flight in the UK, people were thrown off just for speaking Arabic. What that means is we have a culture of fear. To combat that, I’ve compiled this list of facts about Muslims and terrorists to end all the irrational fear people have of their fellow Muslims.
FACTS ABOUT MUSLIMS AND TERRORISTS
FACT: Only 45% of mosques are primarily filled with terrorists.
FACT: Of any Muslim you see on the street, there is only a 30% chance he is currently thinking about killing you.
FACT: Islam means “peace”… or something similar. If any Muslim murders you, then he is going against what his own religion somewhat means.
FACT: While Islam may seem abusive or demeaning to women, 100% of Muslim women love it that way as reported by their husbands (the women were not allowed to speak… and, according to their husbands, they didn’t want to either).
FACT: While killing yourself and others for some perverted sex dream involving 72 virgins might seem crazy to us, studies show that people who work towards concrete goals are more successful in life.
FACT: Most Muslim terrorists are secretly gay, anyway, and only act like they want 72 virgin women out of peer pressure.
FACT: If you overhear someone speaking Arabic on a plane, there is a less than 15% chance that person is talking about taking down the aircraft.
FACT: Even if they do take down the aircraft, there was a 0.0001% chance it was about to crash anyway.
FACT: Most terrorism goes against the teachings of Islam since terrorists often use more explosive power that was dictated to be allowable by the prophet Mohammed.
FACT: The prophet Mohammed was a humanitarian who saved nearly as many babies as he killed by the sword.
FACT: It is expressly forbidden by the Koran to beat someone to death with a Koran.
FACT: You are much more likely to be killed at a crosswalk by a careless Jew driving his fancy car than be killed by a Muslim terrorist.
FACT: Joooooos!
FACT: Most Muslims would hate it if all infidels were murdered and rather have infidels simply pay a tax – a “Don’t Murder Me” tax.
FACT: The tax for not being murdered by Muslims would most likely be much less than the taxes you pay on gasoline a year.
FACT: Though Muslims do want Jews pushed into the sea, they don’t necessarily want them all to drown.
FACT: Muslims are the most likely victims of Muslims murderers. Thus Muslims help eliminate the threat of Muslims.
FACT: Though Muslims do want to take over your country and put it under Islamic law, that doesn’t mean they want to kill you.
Now that you have the facts on your side, you have no more reasons to be afraid.

Italy Loves IMAO!

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Hank: By the way, Homer, what’s your least favorite country: Italy or France?
Homer: France.
Hank: [chuckles] Nobody ever says Italy. [sets the coordinates of a giant laser gun]

France loves Jerry Lewis, but Italy loves IMAO. If you happen to be in Italy today, pick up a copy of Libero to see an interview with me (it’s in the “Cultura” section with the title “Prodi? Vincerà il prossimo Tour de France”). I have the PDF of the page with the interview on it, so I’ll try to get it up later.
Of course, it will still be in Italian, but at least you can stare at the words and just imagine how funny I am.

Is he here yet? Is he here yet?

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Lots of worry over this 12th imam thing going around…

The words you are reading might be your last. That is, if you believe the apocalyptic speculation of Internet surfers and Middle East analysts who claim that today Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad hopes to spark the final conflagration in order to usher in the Islamic messiah.
Ahmadinejad is due Tuesday to deliver Iran’s response to an international incentive program offered in exchange for the country curbing its nuclear program. The date, August 22, also marks the prophet Muhammad’s ascension to heaven and coincides with Saladin’s conquest of Jerusalem.

Not to be left out of the loop, Frisky’s keeping an eye out for the 12th imam on our patio…


Do you see him? Is he out there?

No imam. Okay, Frisky. You can take a break.

He’s such a good little boy. He’ll get lots of treats when I get home tonight.

The Ever Evolving IMAO

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I guess it’s official; spacemonkey finally got our Trackbacks working again. Yay him.
Anyway, I’ve made the “Digg this” link less obtrusive and added del.icio.us links ala Blackfive. I’ve just begun playing with del.icio.us, and it adds some buttons to your Firefox browser (the official browser of IMAO) that allows you to quickly bookmark sites and then you can share your bookmarks or something. I’m not sure how it all works, but maybe I can use it to get a blogroll up again (or a “Here’s What Frank J. is reading” list). My username on it is Frank_J (someone already stole FrankJ), BTW.
Now to get the horrendous mess of old junk that is our sidebars…
Oh, and I know I had a post idea for today…

Today’s Simpsons Trivia

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(Introduction)

1) In the weekly opening sequence, who is on the TV’s in the shop window?
2) Who is the little guy who looks like Krusty and plays the squeeze-box?
3) What nervous fellow is seen in several different jobs, but is never good at any of them?
4) What real-life person, mentioned in “Bart vs. Thanksgiving”, died in 1998 at the age of 108?
Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.