Q: Why would passengers be spooked by a old Jew praying on an airplane?
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Archive of entries posted on 5th September 2006
RWD to leave IMAO…
Sometimes you just have to move on.
That’s what I think about when I think of IMAO. That and somebody should really think about cleaning up the blogroll.
It’s been fun. After hundreds of posts and dozens of laughs, I’m sure you’d agree that I’ve.. er. uh. posted here lots of times.
Anyway, it’s time for RWD to move on.
September will be my last month blogging at IMAO.
It’s been real.
And Nice.
And sometimes real nice.
Since IMAO likes to tell you what to think, I’ve put together a list of questions you probably have.
Ducky leaving: FAQ’s
Are you leaving blogging altogether?
Probably not. I’m sure I’ll continue writing somewhere.
What’s making you leave?
Time constraints and Carpal Tunnel. Mostly Carpal Tunnel.
Will you be guest posting at IMAO from time to time?
Frank J. and I exchanged email. I will be guest posting depending on how you interpret the phrase “Get out and stay out.”
Isn’t it true that bloggers retire but always come back?
Probably. But I’m not really retiring. I’m simply moving on to other comedy projects.
Like what?
Can’t tell you.
Please?
Nope.
I bet you that you don’t have ANYTHING going on!
Shut up!!
I heard you always got bent out of shape that people confused your work with Frank J’s.
Shut up. Not true.
Well, anyway. We are glad you had fun writing here and we’ll miss you, Frank!
SHUT UP. SHUT UP. SHUT UP.
So what’s next?
I’m here until the end of September. Tune in.
In the Mail
Being the big league blogger that I am, I get offered free copies of new books all the time in hopes I will promote them. I’ve stopped giving out my P.O. Box for the books, though, since I find I never read them since I just don’t have the time and because reading is for dorks. But, when Blackfive said he had a book coming out, I had to get myself a copy. When I got home from my vacation, I found a package from Simon & Schuster. Not knowing who they were, I put the package out in a field and used a remote control robot to open it. Luckily, there was no bomb inside, but instead there was the book Blogs of War.
I’ve only had time to read the intro where Blackfive write about what drove him to blog – mainly finding out that a friend died heroically in Iraq but no one, including a reporter who witnessed the event, bothered to write anything about the incident. Now, Blackfive has a whole book of real stories from our troops as taken from the many milblogs that have sprung up over the years. You can read all about his book here. Go check it out.
NOW!
KTE: Terrorists T-Shirts Still Ready for Pre-Order
You better order the new Know Thy Enemy: Terrorists t-shirt now or there will be grave consequences. Only if you scan and e-mail me a doctor’s note confirming that you are a flaming homosexual will you be excused from buying one.
Just a reminder.
By Any Objective Measure, Islam Is for Losers
An Editorial by Frank J.
As you’ve probably seen, Al Qaeda is now trying to recruit everyone into Islam. I don’t think that will work out too well, as they’ve yet to give any reason to join their happy fun religion other than that, if we don’t, they may possibly one day successfully do another terrorist attack and kill a fraction of a fraction of a fraction of one percent of the non-Islamic population. It’s telling their recruiting campaign sticks to empty threats rather than listing the merits of Islam, because, apparently, there just aren’t any merits to list.
“Were you to look at the conditions of Muslims versus non-Muslims, one can only conclude that God really doesn’t like Islam.”
What is the average Muslim? Some guy who hasn’t bathed in a week wearing a dress as he wanders the desert escorting a woman dressed like a ninja. What possible sane reason can someone name for me to want to be a part of that? Is there anything other than murderousness that Muslims succeed the rest of the population in? Have they contributed anything scientifically or culturally to the world in the past hundred years? They did get us to change our screening procedures at airports, but I’m stumped at coming up with anything more significant than that.
To be sure, there are plenty of smart, productive Muslims… but they’re all here in Western countries run by the non-Islamic. The more Islamic a country gets, the more Godforsaken it seems to be… which really doesn’t speak well of the religion. Were you to look at the conditions of Muslims versus non-Muslims, one can only conclude that God really doesn’t like Islam. I’m not saying that’s true; I’m just saying that were one to observe things objectively, you’re forced to conclude that. The Islamic countries are pretty much the worst countries out there. Like Robinson Crusoe, they’re as primitive as can be (but more murderery). Do they even make those Korans they love to read, or are those done by independent presses here in the States? Do those dress-like garments they wear bear the labels “Made in Taiwan”? I really want to know.
Sure, they do have oil, which, by itself, seems like a gift from God, but, when taken against everything else, it’s more like a few nickels tossed at a beggar. It’s like God gave the Islamic countries oil just to keep them around to laugh it. If it weren’t for their oil, the rest of the world would pretty much ignore them while they slaughtered each other (though some entrepreneur might film some of the carnage to sell packaged along with Bum Fights).
Now, I know the response to this: “Sure, Muslims don’t seem very favored in this world, but wait until the rewards in the next.” Now, I haven’t read the Koran (it’s next on my reading list after Tom Clancy’s Op-Center XII: War of Eagles), but, apparently, if you blow yourself along with a room full of daycare students, you get 72 virgins in heaven. Thus, Islam seems to be out to attract sex perverts. Still, is 72 women whom you really want to spend all eternity with? I know I don’t find it to be that great an idea. Eventually, you will get tired of the sex, and will any of these women be able to give interesting opinion on the latest episode of Battlestar Gallactica or be good competition for a game of Mario Kart? I don’t know, and the Koran is silent on this issue. What I do know is, when my wife find me with 72 no-longer-virgins, heaven is going to become hell rather quickly.
All in all, Islam seems to be full of a lot of murderous, barbaric, moron losers who obviously don’t have any girlfriends. I don’t know if Islam causes people to be murderous, barbaric, moron losers, but there certainly is a strong correlation between the two. Maybe Islam, as it now stands, happens to attract murderous, barbaric, moron losers while repelling kinder more intelligent people. I just don’t know, but what I do know is that, at this time, I’m going to have to decline Al Qaeda’s generous offer to join their religion which, by any objective measure, is quite crappy.
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us. He is also the author of such books as “Glances of the Legendary: New Documented Sighting of Bigfoot, the Loch Ness Monster, and Moderate Muslims” and “The Scientific Contributions of Muslims in the Past One Hundred Years (Now with a Third Page of Pictures)”.
Frank Answers: Of Mice and Dogs
You have question and I have answers. It’s like we were meant to be together.
Chris S. asks:
Can a normal sized mouse beat up a small bird (e.g. a blue jay)?
Have a little pride in you own Class, man. When you have Mammalia versus Aves or whatever, bet on the Mammalia.
If you ever watched a mouse fight a blue jay, the way it usually works is the mouse will surprise the bird by jumping on its back, knocking the blue jay to the ground. The mouse will then slam the bird’s head over and over into the pavement until there’s nothing left but blood and feathers.
Mice can be vicious if they’re not taking their meds.
Scott R asks:
Does your dog bite?
My pit-bull mix Rowdi doesn’t bite. She hugs… with her mouth.
Brian the Adequate asks:
Will you (unlike a certain Duck we know) actually answer these questions? Will you ever force the Duck to do the same?
I’ll answer some questions. I may know all, but I don’t have time to tell all. As for Ducky, Ducky does what Ducky wants to do. If I try to force him into something, he may get violent. Not necessarily against me, but he will harm people.
Don’t taunt the Duck.
QUINN asks:
How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck was Chuck Norris?
All of it. A Chuck Norris woodchuck would chuck all wood with a single roundhouse kick, and forever after there would be no more chucking of wood… by woodchucks or any others.
Laurence Simon asks:
Ever punched a head of lettuce?
Of course. I’m not actually sure what other use there is for a head of lettuce. I hear some people use them to make “salads”, but what “those kind of people” do in the privacy of their own homes is no business of mine.
Francesco Poli writes:
If I ask nicely, will you petition the US government to bomb the Communist HQ here in Italy?
You don’t even have to ask nicely. Just mention the words “Communist” and “headquarters”, and I’ll soon be calling my Congressman telling him what I want bombed if he wants to count on my vote.
spacemonkey writes:
If questions were doughnuts…or raisins… ok, I don’t have a question.
You just wasted my time, spacemonkey. Time to dock your pay again.
Well, sons of whores, that’s all the wisdom you get for now. I have a big backlog of questions, but, if you want to ask some more, just put them in the comments.
The 2006 Elections: Get Ready for Hell
Hey, sportsfans. It’s been a while, and I have a bit to get off my chest. Let’s start with the main issue: the 2006 elections. It’s going to be here soon, and the reality is that the Republicans are probably going to lose the House. Well, boo-freaking-hoo. Lately, the Grand Old Party has left me as uninspired as the latest American Idol rip-off. Not only haven’t they thrown us faithful any red meat, they haven’t even tossed us a few pieces of beef jerky. I mean, the country is being threatened by an army of nutball scum with no civilized sense of humanity or decency – and that’s just the moonbats on the leftwing blogs – but the poodles in Congress aren’t exactly rallying the public. You’d hope a few Republicans would have enough sense to walk around with a towel-wrapped Islamist’s head on a pike – his mouth frozen mid “Allah!” – while pointing to it and proudly saying, “Yeah, my voting record helped accomplish this. Frankly, if things keep going as they are, we’re going to have to order more pikes because we simply don’t have enough to match the supply of terrorist heads. Actually, if you see a sale on pikes at the Wal-Mart, please pick us up a few.”
But, no, that’s not going to happen because that would take some courage of convictions and, frankly, some stones – and, if I were to name one thing in short supply across the river Potomac, that would be it. How can we find leadership from people lacking the energy to even slap around the Democrats – the sissies of sissies? I mean, Democrats get thrown out of gay bars for being so swishy that just make everyone there too gosh darn uncomfortable. The average Democratic male needs daily injections of testosterone to keep his voice from sounding like Mickey Mouse and to keep his testes nearing the size of peanuts. If you can’t bully those guys (and I use the term loosely) around, then you’re probably handing over your lunch money every recess to Urkel.
Anyway, my point – and, unfortunately for you, I have one – is that A fire needs to be lit under the backsides of these milquetoasts in Congress, and I know exactly what will do it:
Today’s Simpsons Trivia
1) “The Colossus” is a giant what that Homer buys at the mall?
2) Who wants Abe Simpson to lend him money to build a death ray?
3) After Bart is hit by a car, what does he do while riding the escalator to Heaven?
4) According to Burns’ court testimony, where was he going when he hit Bart with his car?
Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.