Normally I wouldn’t pay any attention to who is running against my Congressman, Rep. Dave Weldon, since it’s a secure seat for the conservative Republican, but, since Allahpundit and Rusty Shackleford are both posting about his Democrat opponent, Dr. Bob Bowman, maybe I should look into this one. Apparently Bob is pretty sure that it’s Dick Cheney who was behind 9/11.
We have a live one here!
Again, my district is an extremely safe one for Republicans (our only locally elected Democrat is, appropriately, the tax collector), so you’d only expect a nut to actually waste the time running against Weldon. Still, maybe I could do some undercover work on this one to expose exactly how nuts many Democrats have become.
I’ll need one of those glue-on mustaches and a fake name. Too bad “Rusty Shackleford” is taken.
UPDATE:
Here’s Dr. Bob’s campaign site and his views on 9/11.
More Views:
* CIA: It should be abolished.
* Crime: “If I were President, I would pardon thousands of nonviolent offenders and political prisoners.” (not sure who the political prisoners are, but he supports a surrender on the war on drugs)
* Defense Spending: He wants to end our occupation… of Germany and Japan. Time to finally put an end to WWII!
* Gun Control: “Until we can disarm the crooks — and the FBI and the DEA and the IRS and the INS and the CIA and the military — we MUST allow citizens to bear arms to protect themselves against tyranny.”
* North Korea: “Then why did we go to war against Iraq and not North Korea? Two reasons: (1) our leaders really knew Saddam had no weapons of mass destruction, and therefore Iraq would be much easier to defeat militarily than North Korea, and (2) North Korea doesn’t have any oil.”
* Moral Issues: “I do agree that public servants need to set a high moral standard for themselves, as an example. As Presiding Archbishop of the United Catholic Church, I’m used to having to do that. And I favored the impeachment of Bill Clinton — but for the right reason. Not over poor Monica. I would have impeached him for the bombing of Baghdad and the rape of Yugoslavia.”
* Violent Videogames: He’s against violent videogames because they’re used by the U.S. military to desensitize our troops.
I so have to be a part of this campaign…
Archive of entries posted on 6th September 2006
It’s Like Trying to Use the One Ring to Fight Sauron
Bill Clinton was crazy. In a post from Dean Barnett about the upcoming ABC docudrama, he mentions this actual quote from Mr. Bill:
(WARNING: Contains a swear word, but I’m not altering it since it’s historical)
Continue reading ‘It’s Like Trying to Use the One Ring to Fight Sauron’ »
Parting shots
Just to confirm the fact that any sentiments expressed by Katie Couric at the end of each evening newscast are entirely disingenuine, she’s asking the viewing audience to come up with what will be her trademark parting phrase.
Here’s my suggestions:
“If you think that as hard, try doing that with Tri-Delt anniversary pin nipple piercings.”
“I’m Katie Couric, and I get my own bathroom. Not because I demanded it in the contract, but everyone else put it in theirs.”
“I’m done, and if my kids are watching instead of doing their homework, you’re getting the belt again.”
“CBS. See B S. Heh heh heh.”
“Thank you for 22 minutes of your undivided attention. Want a goddamned receipt?”
“From New York, with Betsy Cronkite’s blood on my hands, I’m Katie Couric.”
“Buy all the products you saw and make Aunty Katie happy, okay?”
“And now, your local news. Then, when that crap is over, CSI.”
“I still don’t make enough money to buy my soul back from Satan.”
“Pull my finger.”
“… and to all of our illegal alien viewers, you can switch back from the second audio program now.”
“It’s the Batsignal!”
“Hey, their first pick was John Madden. Deal with it.”
“From New York, making more errors and dollars per minute of work than Derek Jeter, I’m Katie Couric.”
Got better? Put ’em in the comments.
Question of the Day
CAIR doesn’t like the label “Islamic Fascists” being used to describe our enemies because it doesn’t want Islam associated with fascism. What your idea for a new, less offensive name for our terrorist enemies?
My idea is “Islamic Goat-Rapists”.
Today’s Simpsons Trivia
1) What is the Springfield holiday where snakes are chased with sticks?
2) Which Simpsons character allegedly took a shot at Teddy Roosevelt?
3) When Marge is arrested and sent to jail, who is her cell mate?
4) Gabbo is the dummy at the end of the arm of whom?
Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.
In My World: That Awful Saccharin Taste
“Where am I?” Joe Wilson cried.
“An undisclosed location,” Dick Cheney sneered.
“A place you’ll never escape from,” President Bush said.
A evil laugh emanated from the shadows, and Wilson could only assume it came from Karl Rove. Wilson then looked around the room. “This kinda looks like the Denny’s near my house.”
“Maybe it is.” Bush accepted a coffee from the waitress. “So, Joe, we’re really tired about hearing about you and your wife, so it’s time to put an end to this.”
“What did you do with my wife?”
Bush smiled. “We simply strapped her to a table with a laser beam slowly moving towards her to cut her in half.”
“But don’t worry,” Cheney added, “She’s a…” Cheney did air quotes. “‘Secret Agent’. I’m sure it will be no trouble for her.”
“Leave my wife alone!” Wilson cried. “She’s my meal ticket!”
“Speaking of meals…” Bush put on some protective gloves and set a lead box on the table. “Why don’t you have some… YELLOW CAKE!” Bush opened the box, took out some uranium, and shoved it in Wilson’s mouth.
“Noooo… mmmrph…”
“Is it really my job to hold people up while you pummel them?” Tony Snow asked.
“Yes, Snowman.” Bush landed a couple more punches into Senator Harry Reid’s gut. “You should have read your job contract more closely.” Bush punched Reid again, but then stopped. “Aww, now I’ve forgotten why I’m punching him. You see, that’s why I always liked Tom Daschle better: I never forgot why I was punching him. Okay, Tony, let him go.”
Reid stumbled out of the Oval Office.
“And don’t do whatever you did again!” Bush yelled at him. He turned to Tony. “So what’s next?”
“I believe you’re meeting with Mayor Ray Nagin.”
“This place is nice!” Nagin said as he entered the Oval Office. “But it could use more chocolate!”
“Grab him!” Bush shouted and picked up a tire iron. Tony held Nagin’s hands behind his back while Bush readied his tire iron. “I’m gonna bash you in the head, Nagin, until you start talking sense!”
“This is totally un-chocolaty!” Nagin yelped. He then wiggled out of his suit jacket and ran off.
“Tony!” Bush yelled. “You need to keep a better hold! Nagin is weasely!”
“Sorry, Mr. President. Anyway, I have a press conference soon, and it’s just been reported that Joe Wilson has mutated into a half-man, half-badger. Do we have an official statement on that?”
“I don’t know anything about that!” Bush screamed at Tony. “Stop accusing me of everything!”
“Uh… okay. Are you all right, Mr. President?”
“I’m just a bit stressed, that’s all. We could lose Congress in the upcoming election, so I need to get things done now. There’s still a lot of work to be done to move most of the government under the authority of Halliburton.” Bush thought for a moment. “Hey, Tony, could you go drive to the Home Depot and see if there are any Mexicans who want to do some government work for cheap?”
“As I said, I have a press conference.”
“Fine! Don’t help! Do your stupid press conference and talk to the dumb press people! I have to catch a flight on Air Force One for speeches and fund raisers and stuff, and guess who isn’t invited?”
“I really don’t care, sir.”
“That’s right! You!”
“So, I just wanted to warn you that there is a murderer loose in the UN headquarters,” Bush told John Bolton over the phone.
“I know. The UN is horribly inefficient so I’ve been killing people to speed things up. Also, with each soul I take, my ‘satche grows in power.”
“Oh… okay then. Well, keep up the good work.”
“By the way, the President of Iran wants to debate you.”
“But I hate debates! They’re so boring! And especially don’t want to have one with some guy I can’t pronounce the name of!” Bush thought for a moment. “I guess I’ll talk to Rumsfeld about just nuking Iran, because I was really set on the idea that I’d never have another debate.”
As Bush hung up the phone, a TSA agent approached. “Sir, we need you to step aside for special screening before you’re allowed on Air Force One.”
“Why?”
“Our records show that you previously nearly killed the President, which makes you a special risk for this flight.”
“But I didn’t mean to choke on that pretzel!”
“Is that a liquid you have with you?”
Bush looked at his bottle of Mountain Dew. “That’s my Dew, man.”
“Liquids aren’t allowed past security. You’ll have to hand that over.”
Bush clutched his bottle tight. “No one takes my Dew!”
The TSA agent frowned. “Fine, then I guess you aren’t getting on the flight.” He picked up his walkie-talkie. “Go ahead and take off.”
Bush watched as Air Force One left without him. “Aww… there goes my plans for this week. Might as well go play videogames and leave representing the administration up to Snowman.” He took a sip of his Mountain Dew. “Eww! This is diet! I don’t want this!”
“Yes, I can say quite conclusively that Bush was never a member of the Nazi Youth, and, if Wikipedia says otherwise, then someone should correct it. Next question.”
David Gregory stepped forward.
“Are you going to behave this time, David?” Tony asked.
“I always behave!” Gregory snapped.
Tony rolled his eyes. “Fine. What’s your question?”
Gregory held up a piece of paper and read from it. “The Republicans failed to anticipate the insurgency in Iraq and failed to react appropriately. Because of the distraction of this war–”
“That’s not a question, David,” Tony interrupted. “You’re just reading the Democrats’ talking points.”
“No I’m not! No I’m not!”
“I can see the DNC logo on that piece of paper from here.”
“Nuh-uh!” Gregory tried to hide the piece of paper under his suit jacket. “That was just a blank piece of paper.”
“Then I guess you could let me see it.”
“No! Mine!”
“Now you’re acting like a child, David.”
Gregory dropped to the ground and started pounding it while screaming, “I’m not acting like a child! You’re acting like a child! Waaaah!”
Suddenly, Rumsfeld burst through the wall to the press briefing room. “Nazi appeasers! All of you! Kill Nazi appeasers! Rarr!”
“Aieee! There’s murder in his eyes!” yelled a reporter.
Rumsfeld chased after the press who fled in a panic. Tony shook his head. “Can’t I have one press conference that doesn’t end with David Gregory throwing a hissy fit and Rumsfeld trying to kill everyone?”
Frank Airline Security
So, is this ban on liquids at airports a permanent thing? And does that mean that whatever the terrorists try and use next as a bomb, that’s the next thing to get banned until we’re all forced to board airplanes with nothing but scrubs supplied to us by Homeland Security?
Whoever is in charge of airport security needs to be fired and they need to hire me instead. I’m not going to waste time searching people for whether they have a bottle of Sprite on them and instead try and actually find terrorists. It’s a novel idea, but it just might work.
First, you ask airline passengers questions such as:
“Is Jesus your own personal savior?”
If someone answers anything other than “Yes” or “I’m Jewish”, you take that person to a backroom and you question him big time by an FBI agent.
Also, all passengers should be offered bacon prior to a flight. If someone responds to the bacon offer with anything other than “Yes, I would love some yummy bacon” or “I’m Jewish”, you take that person to a backroom and you question him big time by an FBI agent.
Instead of CNN playing on the airline TV, it will be a new cartoon called “The Wacky Adventures of Prophet Mohammed”. If someone is spotted not laughing when Mohammed gets hit in the face with a pie, you take that person to a backroom and you question him big time by an FBI agent.
I think this all adds up to a much better flying experience. Instead of having to take off your shoes and getting your bottle of Evian confiscated, you only get asked a couple questions while getting free bacon and cartoons while you are assured by the fact that the terrorists are in a backroom getting “questioned”. Everyone (who matters) is happy.
Help IMAO Know The Difference Between Hasidic Jews Praying On the Plane and Islamofascists Praying to Allah Right Before They Try to Take It Down
A Hasidic Jew was praying on an Air Canada flight (h/t Glenn Beck), and the flight attendant told him to shut it, then they landed the plane and escorted him off and put him on the next flight. He didn’t speak English or French, but he kept saying “I’m not a Muslim, you buttfaces!”, and I’m pretty sure a Muslim wouldn’t have claimed to be an evil Joooo. They had to get to the ground and wait for a translator to understand that “I’m a Jew” means “I’m not going to kill you.”
His rocking back and forth with a head covering was bothering people.
Ok. Honestly, if I’d seen that, I’d have been freaking out. Alright, I’d have been on notice as soon as I saw the head covering come out of the carry-on. I’d have been on my feet hitting the flight attendant ding button projectile vomiting on my fellow passengers. I’m a paranoid profiling nutjob, and I know it. Just ask Frank, who had to fly with me this week. And I’d have been listening. Is he saying Allah? Is he saying filthy infidels? Is that an Akbar? No wait. That guy just said Yahweh. And he’s just rocking back and forth praying.
And when the flight attendant asked him to stop praying and he didn’t say stuff about infidels and Allah, blah blah blah, that should have been a clue, no? The guy flat out said he wasn’t a Muslim. And he didn’t start acting all crazy when he got approached. And I’ll bet he looked something like these guys.
The Jewish group B’nai Brith Canada has offered to help give Air Canada crews sensitivity training.
Um… Let’s not go there, or CAIR and the ACLU will be jumping all over that and making sure flight attendants are sensitive to the poor wittle feewings of Muslims and making sure no one ever asks them to calm down when they’re screaming about Allah and trying to down the planes. “Everyone listen to how Omar’s feeling. What he’s saying is that America is the Great Satan, and we need to be more sensitive to his cause. Can everyone just join hands with Omar and tell him one of the things you like about him. Ok, I’ll start. Omar, I think your bomb is pretty.”
Not that I’ll ever fly Air Canada. I hear they speak English and French.
So if I ever accidentally do fly Air Canada, how do I tell the difference between a praying Hasidic Jew and an Islamofascist who wants to murder the infidels? Put your answers in the comments. Please. If you don’t know, make something up. Do some research. I tried, but it’s hard.
UPDATE: I should read IMAO more often. My h/t should have been to IMAO.