Ok, people, get over yourselves. I am SO. SICK. of everyone playing the 9/11 blame game. I mean, I’m all about giving credit where credit is due. Jimmy Carter is a moron and really screwed things up way back when and made us look like a bunch of sissies during the whole Iran hostage crisis, not to mention all those hostages whose lives he didn’t help to make any better.
Then we got Bubba Cantfindmypants in here who ignored attack after attack until he finally kinda made a halfpinkytoe attempt at shoving a cruise missile up Osama’s booty for whatever reason. Honestly, I don’t care why. It’s good he at least got close to toasting OBL’s unmentionables, ok? Shut up and listen before you yell at me. If Osama got a singed eyebrow out of it, it makes me smile to think of it. Clinton screwed the pooch big time and should have done more, YES, but he did lift a pinky for at least 5 minutes during his 8 years in office. I’m glad Chris Wallace asked the question, I’m glad he did the interview, I think he showed Slick for what he is, a big crybaby buffoon whom history will not treat with grace.
Which brings us to President Bush. Can he shoulder some blame? Heck yeah. He was in office for 8 months before 9/11 and as president should have been able to read about world events and know that we had been attacked over the previous 25 years a number of times. Did Clinton give him a comprehensive plan? Honestly, it doesn’t matter. Bush should have had his own comprehensive plan for fighting terrorism. He was already THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES. He had a cabinet. He had a whole group of advisors. He had a whole staff of kids working 16 hours a day reading news and intelligence reports, telling him the latest about what was going on, and what he, as president, should be focused on. As a matter of fact, before he ever made it into office, Bush should have known what was going on. He should have had his own plan before he was elected. Isn’t that our biggest complaint about the Democrats? They all harp during their campaigns about having a plan for fighting the war and combating terrorism, but they don’t actually have one. Well, any candidate should know what he’s getting into and know how he’s going to handle it. And the fact that Bush is a Republican doesn’t change anything. It’s not like the Republicans are conservative anymore anyway, so if you’re offended by me needing Republicans to have a plan, well I’m just so sorry.
The point is Clinton didn’t get it done. Bush didn’t get it done. And this stupid media patty-cake they’re playing right now with the “Yes I gave him a plan” and the “My husband rawks!” and the “You’re the devil and caused 9/11 on your own!” and the “You should have done more!” is ridiculous. They all should have done more. Both administrations, people. Everyone in Congress should have taken it upon themselves to make terrorism the front issue and beat down the Presidents’ door (Clinton, Bush) until we were fighting offense, before it was too late. Everyone in America who was old enough to follow the news and world events? All of us should have been able to read. Were you writing to your congressmen? Your senators? The president? Me neither. I was living in the sweet bubble of American freedom that no one would ever dare destroy, and nobody could thwart my false reality that America was invincible. Oh, come on! I only knew the names of certain senators because I had to know for my Business Problems and Trends class! I had nooo interest in news and politics.
But it’s already too late for 9/11, and still we’re talking about how we could have prevented 9/11. It’s tiresome, juvenile, and antiproductive. Unless we’re doing the exercise for the purpose of preventing the next attack, which most people are not. And don’t think my finger is mainly pointing at the left. I’m thinking about all the big shooters on the right, too. Get the hell over yourselves. This party positioning crap? Worthless. No one can convince me that proving that Bill Clinton could have stopped 9/11 is going to stop the next attack, or that proving Bill Clinton could have stopped 9/11 means that John Kerry will be just as bad at stopping terror att– Ok, I’m sorry, I can’t complete that thought with a straight face. But you know what? There may be a decent, America-loving Democrat out there who has the nation’s best interests at heart and truly wants to defend this country. I mean, I haven’t heard of him, but if he’s out there, and if he has a plan for fighting terrorism, I’m ready to vote for him if I agree with him on the other issues too and if he’s the least sucky candidate out there (my hopes aren’t high for having a great candidate, can you tell?). But it won’t be because someone can prove to me that George Bush caused 9/11! Dangit, people! It will be because you have your own stinking head out of your butt and are willing to FIGHT THE TERRORISTS rather than SAYING MEET ME AT 3:00 IN THE PARKING LOT SO WE CAN HAVE A SHOUTING MATCH! SOMEONE PUT UP YOUR STINKING DUKES AND PUNCH SOMEONE ALREADY!
Because while everyone is saying I-know-you-are-but-what-am-I, everyone seems to be ignoring the important stuff for the future.
bin Laden is supposed to release a new tape soon. There have been a few murmurs of this recently, but I have no idea why this doesn’t get more mainstream press. OH YEAH! The mainstream press are too busy fawning all over President Ahmadinejad from Iran (he’s so attractive and sweet, yah) and playing “Blame Bush” to pay attention to this one. So what’s important about this tape? Eh, read this article about “Jafer the Pilot”, and you decide. They say Osama has completed his “cycle of warnings” that he’s required to give to Muslims. Because you know, OBL is concerned about ticking off the clerics and the gentle Muslim leaders. OBL has warned all Muslims to leave America as soon as possible, especially D.C. and New York… And Jafer the Pilot is running about with his possible nuclear materials within the U.S. borders (hmm, how did he get in?). Not only that, President Ahmadinejad, while speaking about diplomacy at the U.N., gives speeches in his own country about killing the Great Satan (that’s us) and the Little Satan (that’s our friend Israel) within the next two years. So maybe instead of squealing like pigs about who didn’t do what, maybe everyone could focus on what we need to do to stop the impending threat of Iran, foreign and homegrown terrorism, and let’s not forget our gassy enemy to the south, Hugo Chavez.
I mean, I realize this is an election year. So quit telling me how Bush and Clinton screwed up. They’re not running for office, numbnuts!
I’m not saying ignore the past. PLEASE DO NOT IGNORE THE PAST. But in light of the past, use it to prevent the same thing happening in the future. Stop acting like a bunch of 7th grade girls and act like Americans!
Archive of entries posted on 27th September 2006
While I Formulate…
Frank has left work sick, so I will be ranting here later to supply good writing (haha). While I formulate that, go read this bit about treason (via rachel). I do wonder why no one at the New York Times has been executedquestioned for treason. Oh wait. That bit Jared quoted says something about fines and “not more than” 10 years in prison. Bologna. Share secrets in a time of war? Secret CIA prison, never to be heard from again.
Perfect example. I should only be JOKING about that. The prisons should only be rumored and legend. Not confirmed by Bush because some dying, shrinking newspaper wants a story.
Question of the Day
In My World: Not Estimating Much Intelligence
“I think people judge Islam too harshly,” Bush said aloud as he wrote his speech. “The reason for violent reactions to even the slightest criticism of Islam is obviously just a way to cover up their homosexual tendencies. Once we realize that, we can come to a peaceful understanding of each other.”
Bush held up his speech. “This should end violence in the Middle East!”
Bush’s intercom buzzed. “Senator George Allen here to see you.”
“Send him in.”
Into the Oval Office walked a man wearing white sheets and a white hood. Bush was taken aback. “Why are you dressed as Senator Byrd?”
“I’ve decided to come out as who I really am,” Allen announced, “A black-hating, Jew. I hoping you’ll support me on this.”
Bush considered that. “How about I support you in spirit but not in word or action.”
Allen pointed an accusing finger at Bush. “I always knew you had some macaca in you!” He then stormed out.
“My great grandmother was a macaca and I don’t care who knows!” Bush shouted. He then took a sip of his coffee. “That guy just is not presidential material.” When he set the mug down, sirens went off.
“NUCLEAR MISSILES ARE BEING LAUNCHED AT PAPAU NEW GUINEA IN T MINUS 20 SECONDS!”
Bush quickly picked up the phone. “Abort! Abort!” The sirens then stopped. “One of these days I’m going to learn to stop using the The Button as a coaster.”
The wall then burst open. “Rarr!” Donald Rumsfeld roared as he charged towards Bush.
“I got a door, Rummy!”
Rumsfeld grabbed Bush by the collar, knocking over the desk. “People are leaking classified information! I want whoever is responsible found! I then want him cut into four pieces which will then be placed at the four corners of the world as a warning to all others!”
“Hey! I don’t like it either! We have an election coming up, and people are leaking information to try and make me look bad. If things keep going this way, after I leave office I could end up like Bill Clinton, red-faced and wagging my finger at some interviewer.” Bush then thought for a moment. “Well, I guess it could be worse; I could end up like Carter. That guy is more odd spectacle than man.”
Rumsfeld dropped Bush to the ground. “They say my wars have created more terrorists. If that’s true, then how do I have all of these?” Rumsfeld dropped a number of terrorist skulls on the floor. “I get more every day, and I mail them to school teachers to use as teaching aids so they can hold them up to students and say, ‘Look; this is what happens if you become a terrorist. The Secretary of War will boil your head until nothing is left but a clean skull which he will then mail to a teacher to be used as a teaching aid.”
Bush stood up. “Don’t worry, Rummy; we’ll set things straight. They’ll know we kill terrorists good, and I’ll stop all the leaks.”
“You better! I’m still working on my war plans with Iran, and I don’t want it leaked that, as soon as we conquer Iran and take their oil, our troops are marching straight into Venezuela to take its oil.”
“But I didn’t think Venezuela was next to Iran.”
“They’re close enough!” Rumsfeld then marched away, smashing another hole through a wall as an exit.
“To catch the leakers, I need a brilliant plan!” Bush said to himself. He then laughed evilly. “I got it!”
Bush changed the channel on the TV. “We’re going to watch the news.”
“But I was extremely ready for some football!” Vice President Cheney grumbled.
“I know, but I just implemented a brilliant plan.” Bush smiled manically as he sat on the couch to watch the TV. “I distributed twelve different classified documents that would be extremely politically damaging to me to twelve different parts of the CIA. I’ll just wait and see which one leaks and then I’ll know where the leaks are coming from.”
“This just in,” the news anchor said, “The New York Times has been leaked twelve different classified reports that reflect very poorly on President Bush’s performance in fighting terrorism. According to the reports, President Bush gave WMDs to Al Qaeda in exchange for a bag of candy, ordered the bombing of several villages in Denmark when he mistakenly thought that country was in the Middle East, and he only decided to invade Iraq because he thought he left his car keys there. Who knows what kind of backlash this will have for the Bush administration, but, I think I speak for the American people when I say I hope it’s extreme.”
“Great plan, idiot,” Cheney said.
“I can’t believe they leaked all of that!” Bush yelled. “That ungrateful CIA! All this after I made sure they could belly slap terrorists all they want! That’s it; anytime we find out cool classified information, I’m not letting the CIA find out. Who needs them?” Bush slumped down in the couch. “I get most of my information from the Drudge Report nowadays, anyway.”
NIE FAQ
Q. What does NIE stand for?
A. National Intelligence Estimate. That was easy.
Q. So what’s that?
A. It’s an estimate of intelligence on a national scale.
Q. And what was concluded?
A. I dunno. I didn’t read it.
Q. So how can you write an FAQ on the subject?
A. Hey, unlike a lot of top bloggers, and I can’t spend my whole day on this stuff. I have to pick up a few bits and pieces of information I can get in my spare time and make conclusions based on that.
Q. You’re a top blogger?
A. Sorta… I guess. I don’t know how that’s defined. Can we get back on topic?
Q. So what’s the controversy?
A. Well, the NIE is like classified. But it got leaked. And it said that the Iraq war only caused more terrorism. But Bush was like, “Nuh-uh!” and declassified the whole report.
Q. I thought it was just the key findings he declassified?
A. Yeah, that’s what he did.
Q. Do you actually know anything about this?
A. I know it’s one of the main topics in politics right now. I also know I need to hack some post together before my readers get cranky. So, here I am.
Q. Well, you suck.
A. You suck.
Q. And you just copied this FAQ schtick from Dean Barnett.
A. No I didn’t. I never started reading him until recently and the first silly FAQ I did dates back to 1997.
Just google FAQ on imao.us to see how many of these I’ve done through the years.
Q. Yeah, but Barnett’s FAQs actually have useful information in them.
A. Shut up.
Q. And they’re funnier.
A. Go away.
Q. I mean, the only thing I learned from this is that you don’t know anything about the NIE – something I could have guessed. Also, I haven’t even laughed once.
A. Then why are you still here?
Q. It’s Wednesday. I want an In My World™.
A. But those aren’t easy to write… and I’m tired.
Q. Go do it!
A. Fine…
Q. BTW, do you think terrorism has increased since the Iraq war?
A. I dunno. I haven’t seen any more terrorists. Have you?
Q. I saw some people who looked kind of Arab.
A. That’s not right. You need to report that to the FBI.
Q. So where are all these new terrorists?
A. I think they’re in Europe.
Q. How does that affect us?
A. I dunno. Do we depend on Europe for anything?
Q. You sure answer a lot of questions with “I dunno.”
A. I thought we were done with this.
Q. One final question: Do you have a message for our nation’s youth?
A. Huh?
Comedy Of Comedy Request
It’s carnival time again. But there’s no host. But instead of whining, pointing fingers at your notes and turning red in the face like a house-trailer-library-having-legacy-loser, I’m taking the high road.
The first person to email me at my email addy with the phrase “Bill Clinton is a whiny nincompoop.” will get to host the next Carnival Of Comedy.
C’mon you know you want to. If you don’t then you just might be a Bubba lover.
Update: No response yet.
Update 2: Thanks to Chris at Platypus Society for hosting last week.
Update 3: SteveO at the Acme Anvil Company has graciously called Bill Clinton a whiny nincompoop. Go SteveO! He’s no Bubba lover, unlike the rest of you.
Today’s Simpsons Trivia
1) Marge decides to go into business selling what snack treat?
2) While watching “Paint Your Wagon”, Marge says she didn’t know Lee Marvin could do what?
3) In “War of the Simpsons”, what is the name of the giant catfish?
4) In Fleet-A-Pita speak, what is Tahini?
Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.