So, is this ban on liquids at airports a permanent thing? And does that mean that whatever the terrorists try and use next as a bomb, that’s the next thing to get banned until we’re all forced to board airplanes with nothing but scrubs supplied to us by Homeland Security?
Whoever is in charge of airport security needs to be fired and they need to hire me instead. I’m not going to waste time searching people for whether they have a bottle of Sprite on them and instead try and actually find terrorists. It’s a novel idea, but it just might work.
First, you ask airline passengers questions such as:
“Is Jesus your own personal savior?”
If someone answers anything other than “Yes” or “I’m Jewish”, you take that person to a backroom and you question him big time by an FBI agent.
Also, all passengers should be offered bacon prior to a flight. If someone responds to the bacon offer with anything other than “Yes, I would love some yummy bacon” or “I’m Jewish”, you take that person to a backroom and you question him big time by an FBI agent.
Instead of CNN playing on the airline TV, it will be a new cartoon called “The Wacky Adventures of Prophet Mohammed”. If someone is spotted not laughing when Mohammed gets hit in the face with a pie, you take that person to a backroom and you question him big time by an FBI agent.
I think this all adds up to a much better flying experience. Instead of having to take off your shoes and getting your bottle of Evian confiscated, you only get asked a couple questions while getting free bacon and cartoons while you are assured by the fact that the terrorists are in a backroom getting “questioned”. Everyone (who matters) is happy.
Brilliant! Can we still smash them in their dumb monkey faces after questioning?!
How about a line of questions that asks the person, “Doorbell, garage door opener, cell phone…”
If the person being asked answers (a’la Ten Thousand Dollar Pyramid)”What to detonate bombs to kill JOOOS with?”, then you take him to the back room and have him questioned big time by the FBI.
Offer free fake bomb vests at the terminals, anyone that accepts one, you take that person to a backroom and you have him beaten to death by an FBI agent.
Frank…Frank…Frank… How can you possibly suggest something like this! We have invested a gazillion dollars in a “system” that slams grandma up against the wall and “frisks” her if her ticket gets stamped wrong and of us Nordic blue eyed types up here in Minnesota get treated with the same suspicion as Mohamad Goat Humper Ala Ackbar…and you have the stones to suggest that we target the guys that might actually want to blow something up? C’Mon!!!! Get with the program here!
Great! Free BLTs for everyone.
Mmmmmmmmmmmm…bacon……
//of us Nordic blue eyed types up here in Minnesota //
If I were given the option of frisking a blue-eyed Nordic type or a Muslim…I’d take blue eyes any day. I guess it’s a good thing I don’t work for Airline Security.
“I’m sorry Mr. December, that g-string in your luggage means I’m gonna have to strip search you…”
Is there anything can’t be improved by bacon?
Well migas is better with sausage but other than that, no, I don’t think there is. But given the migas exception clause, maybe you should change it to tasty pork breakfast meats.
Do they really have to be taken into a back room for “questioning?” Can’t they just beat them to a bloody pulp… er, “question” them right at the gate? We Nordic blue eyed ones sure would enjoy the new form of entertainment, and the other wanna be terrorists sure would be detered upon seeing Mr.Akbar go through such grueling “questioning.”
Not just Nords. I’m Jewish… I wanna see terrorists get punched in the head. What about if you’re a frequent flier? Can you use your miles for a punch or two?
Cartoons are a good idea. Of course the militant islamists believe lying to infidels is ok so that wouldn’t work. But we are all tired of the Bush/Cheney nannyness. We want to take our motherfing drinks on the motherfing plane. Today, I blogged about Bush/Cheney nannys and Rush Limbaugh’s efforts to help out Katie Couric on CBS News.
I think that Hannah’s onto something. For 1000 miles, you get to punch the Muslim terror suspect of your choice. For 10,000 miles, you get to punch the Muslim of your choice. For 100,000 miles they dress up the first diaper head they see in a Ted Kennedy costume and you get to beat them to a bloody pulp and you get a free bottle of single malt scotch.
Hey, what if the guys a buddhist? What’s wrong with the buddhists?
I’m neither Jewish, Muslim, Hindu nor Buddhist, but I would be unable to answer the first question the in affirmative. I ain’t an atheist, but nor am I necessarily a Christian, despite (or perhaps because of) my upbringing. To quote Pedro Cerrano, from Major League, “Jesus, I like him very much. But he no help me with curve ball.”
I do, however, love bacon. the feds are welcome to question me as long as they supply a meal of bacon-wrapped pork chops in ham gravy.
Bah! The answer is passports.
It is how we control the borders of our fine, tropical regime. Here is an example taken from our Ministry of Travel Tourism Film:
Friendly guard checking tickets at airport: “Show me your passport, sir.”
Cretin tourist from foreign nation: “Ok.”
Friendly guard: “Thank you…” BLAM! -thud- “Next!”
It does not matter what name is on the passport.
It does not matter what nationality is on the passport.
It only matters that you HAVE a passport – because that means YOU AIN’T FROM AROUND HERE.
For us, this is “border control” but for you – when instituted at the boarding gate this could be “airline security”.
If applied to press passes, United Nations I.D.’s and ACLU membership cards it could also be used as “pest control”.
That would rock, keep us safe from terrorists and whiny vegitarians all with one simple test.
To quote Pedro Cerrano, from Major League, “Jesus, I like him very much. But he no help me with curve ball.”
…But don’t forget Cerrano grew up to be President David Palmer.
…But then again, he got assassinated.
…So therefore…. um… wait. I had a point — nope, it’s gone.
Oh yeah… *** “Mohamad Goat Humper Ala Ackbar” ***
– Why you gotta’ bring Admiral Akbar into this? What’d he ever do to you? He’s safe to fly commercially – he used to fly spaceships!
I’m an atheist, but I love bacon. Does this mean I’m still going to get interrogated?
Avi, you passed at least one of the tests. This means you’re solid.
Shim, for shame! I’m so telling your hubby that you are feeling up strange Norsemen at the airport security gates!