As you probably know, the following are the interrogation techniques the CIA is requesting to use:
* Inducing hypothermia (“I’m sorry, but I can’t make it warmer in here because it’s already too hot in my office and both areas are controlled by the same thermostat.”)
* Forcing suspects to stand for prolonged periods (“Now watch as I put a plush pillow on this chair you’re not allowed to sit on! Muh ha ha ha!”)
* Sleep deprivation (“You asleep yet? …How about now? …How about now? …How about now? …”)
* Forcefully seizing the suspects shirt (“I’ve grabbed your shirt! Now tell me all you know!”)
* Open hand slapping that hurts but does not lead to physical damage (“That was for being fresh!”)
* Belly slap (“Pink belly! Pink belly! Pink belly!”)
* Sounds and light manipulation (“I’m going to turn on and off the lights until you tell me all you know! Still not talking? Then lets listen to Sting’s Greatest Hits!”)
Many consider these brutal forms of torture that put America on equal footing with the terrorists we propose to stop. But, if these techniques aren’t allowed, then what are?
In response, those opposed to America becoming a nation of torture have proposed a bill that outlines acceptable interrogation techniques. Here is the excerpt from the relevant portion:
Reverse Psychology: In questioning a suspect, it is allowable to pretend we don’t want information from him, e.g., “We don’t really care what you have to say; actually, if you start talking, we’re not even going to listen.” When pretending the suspect doesn’t have any information worth listening to, one must take care to not inadvertently insult the suspect as that would violate the Geneva Convention’s protection from humiliation.
Repeated Questioning: A suspect can be asked a question (e.g. “Where is the bomb?”) repeatedly in an attempt to gain an answer. “Repeatedly” means up to three (3) times, as any further questioning could cause unneeded stress to the suspect and violates the Geneva Convention. If an interrogator feels the need to ask a question more times, then the matter must be reviewed by a court.
Not Touching: The technique of “not touching” involves the interrogator moving his hands near the suspect without actually making contact with the suspect. The interrogator is allowed to repeat the phrase “Not touching you!” repeatedly in an attempt to break the suspects will so as to gain cooperation from him. A lawyer must be present at all times to ensure that no touching actually occurs.
Flat Soda: While a suspect must be given full meals three times a day, under certain circumstances the suspect’s soft drink may be manipulated so as to remove it’s carbonation. The suspect, after showing disgust with the flat beverage, can be tempted with a fully-carbonated beverage that will be given to him if he cooperates. Under no circumstances may a carbonated beverage, whether in bottle or can, be shaken before being given to a suspect as this violates at least seven sections of the Geneva Convention. Also, all suspects are allowed unlimited refills.
Begging: If none of the other interrogation techniques work, the interrogator may emphatically ask the suspect to “please” give up the information wanted. If that does not work, then the phrase “pretty please” may be used. If the information is still not volunteered and a proper warrant is obtained from the presiding court, then the phrase “pretty please with sugar on top” can be employed with proper caution and a lawyer present.
Whether a suspect gives up information or not, at the end of each interrogation session a suspect should be given a lollipop for good behavior (such as not trying to bite off the interrogator’s ear).
Now, these techniques may not work in all circumstances or, in fact, ever obtain information to stop a terrorist attack, but what they will do is let everyone know we act in a civilized manner in all circumstances. And, is there anything more important than that?
Remember: Those who capture our troops will be looking to us for an example as how to treat them… if they get tired of just beheading people, that is.
Firstish. Nothing is more important than being like by all the people who want to kill us and the people who could care less if we’re killed.
Sharing a couch and continuing to infringe on the prisoners “half”.
One thing we used to torment my little cousin and brother with (when they were 2) was the “No-No Monster.” I think it would be quite effective with terrorists.
When they do something you don’t like, you get a group of people to chant, “No-No, No-No, No-No” over and over and over. The boys would scream and run away after about 3 rounds of this.
Does that violate Geneva?
The abrupt cut-off after asking a question-
“Where’s Osama?”
“I don..”
“Shut up!”
“But you just asked me…”
“I said SHUT UP!”
“But I..”
“SHUT THE HELL UP!!”
“Bu…”
“NO!! SHUT YER TRAP!!!”
“…”
“I asked you a question, Habib. Where is Osama?”
“You told me to sh…”
“SHUT YOUR @%$&* GOAT HOLE!!!”
-and so on.
Negative Reinforcement:
Striptease dance featuring Janet Reno.
Threaten them with a bikini wax.
Force them to watch continuous reruns of Full House and Jerry Lewis movies.
24-hour non-stop playing of Barry Manilow music.
Positive Reinforcement:
Parade 72 goats around, “Tell us what we want to know and these virgins could be yours, buddy.”
Dress up like Mohammed and portray a divine vision, “I’ve changed my mind. We should all just get along.”
Sights and Sounds
A looped tape of Lawrence Welk accordion muzac.
Get . . . THE COMFY CHAIR!!!!
Tommy took my first idea. But he forgot to add:
POKE WITH THE SOFT CUSHIONS!!
Lol Alan. good one, but i’m not sure the allow swearing.
It’s easy. Owen Wilson as a cellmate.
Owen: “…and she was totally into it, right? And, my mind is, like, blown, and so I tell her, ‘okay, but don’t go all kung-fu on me if you don’t like something,’ okay? And she’s…”
Omar: “Shut up!”
Owen: “Sorry?”
Omar: “shut up. I am trying to sleep!”
Owen: “Sorry man, I’m just so stoked about Mary-Ann, and the thing is…”
Omar: “SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUP!!!!”
Owen: “Man, you are so overwrought. I know an aroma therapist who…”
Omar: “GUARD!!! I WILL TALK!!! JUST SHUT THIS PERSON UP!!!”
Owen: “Whatever, dude, I’m just trying to help you out…”
Omar: “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
24X7 Non-Stop Recordings of Hillary Clinton Speeches–
Noogies
Weggies
Wedgies–what the hell am I thinking about? Do these guys even wear underwear or does that not make sense when you wipe your ass with your hands?
Force them to listen to Airhead America tapes 24/7.
Hire Al Franken to tickle them until they talk.
Torture is in the eye of the beholder. There are some very scary folks who actually like pain. There are some people who like Air America. There are even people who like watching reality programs like Big Brother and Survivor (no offense meant).
If someone wanted to get information out of me all they’d have to do is turn on American Idol and I’d tell them anything they wanted to know and probably much they didn’t want to know, just to get them to turn it off.
Maybe that’s an idea. Show the terrorist episodes of America’s next top model. That aught to make their heads explode, which is not really our fault. Right.
Or my favorite….force them to follow a old couple in a 78 Caddy driving 30 mph on a two lane road day after day, and the caddy’s blinker is on. oh by the way….. don’t worry about the old couple they forget the previous day each morning.
Flat Soda? Dear God, the humanity.
I understand they’ve already used the ultimate torture…playing loud “Kerioki for Retatrds” (rap). That would either make me go bonkers or turn me into a Manchurian Candidate in no time.
How about continuous loop tapes of Rosie O’Dumbell?
If all else fails, turn them over to the Knights who say “Neigh!”
Hey…terrorists are people too! I’m for making them suffer but isn’t forcing them to listen to rap a bit over the top?
Silly ussjimmycarter, you spelled it wrong. Don’t feel bad, though, everybody leaves out the “c” because it’s silent.
Forget torture. Not necessary. It’s simple really.
Offer them 73 virgins.
As an act of “humanity” and a gesture of good will why don’t you just bring their wives over to stay with them. Talk about torture! “Take my wives, please!” Oh yes, “Sheet! Sonovbeech!”
And when the terrorist gets to paradise he asks Muhamhad “Where are thre 72 virgins?” Muhamad replies “Virgins what virgins I meant 72 Virginians”
Simple solution:
The Wiggles on an endless loop!
After a few days of that inanity, Achmed and Abdul will tell us everything!!!
That is, unless they can’t stop singing,
“Fruit salad, yummy yummy!
Fruit salad, yummy yummy!”
Dear God, now I can’t stop!!!