This is one of several “Lost Episodes” of the IMAO Podcast that never made it beyond the scripting stage.
I posted “Mining Accident” a few months ago when it was decided it would be in bad taste to mock the West Virginia mining accidents in such a fashion.
Well, this one never quite made it because cruise ships didn’t exactly factor in this summer’s headlines like they have in the past. Plus, everybody is still lazy and tired from a long hot summer. And gras prices are way too high.
I’m sure that my “Bargain Hunter” parody of Steve Irwin will end up in the discard bin now. It was a good one too, with me risking my life by going to huge holiday sales and taunting wild and dangerous shoppers. “Sixty percent off? Oy Gevalt! And such nice material!”
So get yourself a beverage, sit back, and enjoy the still-rough draft of “The Rove Boat”

NARRATOR: When we last left the IMAO crew, they had been… um… well,
it’s been a really long time, so I’ve kind of forgotten.
What have they been up to all this time?
[CLATTER CLANK]
[LAUGHTER]
[CLATTER CLANK]
[LAUGHTER]
FRANKJ: (evil laugh) “Engine… check… ten thousand deck chairs…
five hundred beds… bathroom stalls you can barely turn around in…
four thousand phones that don’t work…”
DUCKY: “oof!”
[CLATTER]
FRANKJ: “Good job finding the anchor, Ducky!”
SPACEMONKEY: “huff huff Okay, guys.” [CLANK] “It looks like the last
of it.”
LAIR: “The last of what? Where did all this stuff come from?”
HARVEY: “Didn’t you get the email about Frank’s latest nefarious get
rich quick scheme?”
LAIR: “Um…. okay… I know the answer to this one… um… no.”
HARVEY: “You know – the one that had us rigging contests to win cruises.”
SARAH: “And then stealing bits and pieces from the cruise ships so we
could assemble our own and make lots of money!”
DUCKY: “Hey, it sure beats mowing lawns.”
LAIR: “Oh, that’s why you had me stealing towels and soap?”
SARAH: “All you got was towels and soap?”
LAIR: “Ha ha. Gotcha. I swiped a nuclear power plant.”
[CLUNK]
SPACEMONKEY: “Nucular power plant?”
HARVEY: “No, nuclear power plant.”
DUCKY: “Wait… why does that have Russian lettering on the side? Does
that say USSR Pride of Chernobyl?”
FRANKJ: “Are you Cuban or Mexican?”
LAIR: “Hold on… cruise ships are the things that go underwater and
everyone speaks Russian, right?”
FRANKJ: “Hey, a nuclear power plant might work out better than diesel
turbines. Nuclear power is cheaper than diesel.” evil laugh
KEVIN: “So how do we put this thing together?”
SPACEMONKEY: “Leave that to me.”
[RIPPING OF DUCT TAPE]
HARVEY: “What’s the atheist version of Christening a boat, anyway?
Athiesning it?”
SARAHK: “We are not Athiesning it. Karl Rove didn’t give us those
blueprints just to go all Godless on this thing.”
SPACEMONKEY: “Karl Rove? He’s still around?”
FRANKJ: “Yeah, Karl Rove called me up and told me that we needed to build a cruise ship for some reason.”
LAIR: “He didn’t tell you to gather up mated pairs of all the animals, did he?”
DUCKY: “Why did Noah bring mosquitos? Can we leave behind the mosquitos this time?”
KEVIN: “Ooh! And crabgrass, too!”
FRANKJ: “And lawyers!”
SPACEMONKEY: “And gays.” (OR IF SOMEONE ELSE WANTS THIS LINE TO AVOID THE WHINY ACCUSATIONS HATE-SPEECH CLAMOR BS)
KEVIN: “In my legal opinion, you’re all gay, so you’re all being left behind.”
LAIR: “Um… what’s the point of leaving gays behind, Spacemonkey? It’s not like they mate.”
SPACEMONKEY: “Not only can they mate, but they’re dang loud about it, too!”
LAIR: “Okay, mate and produce children.”
HARVEY: “Oh, that Noah’s Ark stuff is just fairy tales.”
FRANKJ: “It’s not an Ark. He said it’s more of a Love Boat.”
SARAHK: “Oooh… ooh… I get to be the cruise director. Because I’m
pretty!”
KEVIN: “What’s first on the schedule?”
SARAHK: “Guns.”
KEVIN: “And?”
SARAHK: “Um… more guns.”
NARRATOR: “Meanwhile, at the White House.”
BUSH: “Are those IMAO Podcasters building the cruise ship like Cheney asked me to asked you to ask them to do?”
CHENEY: “Heh.”
ROVE: “Yes, Mein Fuhrer.”
CHENEY: “Heh.”
BUSH: “I knew I should have cut you loose during that Plame crap.”
CHENEY: “Heh.”
NARRATOR: “Back at IMAO Headquarters and Drydocks….”
FRANKJ: “But this is the odd part… he’s already got a guest list prepared.”
KEVIN: “Let me see that… Michael Moore, Ted Kennedy, Nancy Pelosi, Hillary Clinton, Cindy Sheehan, Danny Glover, Ted Rall, John Murtha…”
DUCKY: “Hold on… those are a bunch of liberals and progressives and moonbats and Democratic candidates for Congress.”
SARAHK: “Well, there goes gun safety classes.”
SPACEMONKEY: “Why would they want us to do that?”
NARRATOR: “Yes, why would they?”
[BREAK FOR SEGMENTS]
SPACEMONKEY: “Why would they want us to build a cruise ship just for them?”
DUCKY: “You just said that.”
SPACEMONKEY: “Oh, right.”
FRANKJ: “Who cares? We’re getting paid lots and lots of money for it.”
HARVEY: “And we’re being paid, too?”
FRANKJ: “Um… I’m the captain. Give me the captain’s hat.”
DUCKY: “Aye aye, captain. What do we do first?”
FRANKJ: “Shouldn’t I have a parrot on my shoulder?”
SPACEMONKEY: “No, that’s just for pirates and Disney cruises.”
FRANKJ: “My first command as captain is that we do away with this stupid
starboard, port, stern, and bow stuff. From now on, it’s left, right,
front, and back.”
DUCKY: “So does that make Howard Stern Howard… Left? Or is that Right?”
HARVEY: “As the galley officer, I think Keel Hauled Duck is going to be on the menu tonight…”
FRANKJ: “All we need now is a name for this thing.”
SPACEMONKEY: “Well, Karl Rove gave us the plans, so why not call it the
Rove Boat?”
LAIR: “Wait.. Keel Hauled Duck? Is that Kosher? So, when do we eat?”
[RIIIIIP OF DUCT TAPE]
SPACEMONKEY: “Okay, boat’s done.”
HARVEY: “Is it safe to put a cruise boat together with duct tape?”
SPACEMONKEY: “Well, I put my car together with it… and I made braces for Ducky with it, too.”
DUCKY: Mpphf! Mpphf! Mpphf!
LAIR: “Too cheap to talk to my cousin the orthodontist? Serves you right!”
DUCKY: Mpphf! Mpphf! Mpphf!
KEVIN: “What was that, Ducky?”
FRANK: “I think he said ‘Enough talky talk’ – hold on.”
[RIIIIIP OF DUCT TAPE]
DUCKY SCREAMS
SARAHK: “Oh, Ducky, the wedding chapel looks wonderful.”
KEVIN: “I really don’t want to think what kind of weddings will go on in here.”
SARAHK: “I want to get married in here. Right now.”
FRANKJ: “But we’re already married, schnookie pookums.”
SARAHHK: “Well, I want to get married in here, too.”
LAIR:” What kind of person gets married twice?”
HARVEY: “Larry King?”
LAIR: “No, that’s eight… no, hold on… (ticks fingers)… nine times.”
[FILLER: A FEW IMPERSONATIONS OF MOONBATS, LIBERALS…]
Liberal #1: Hey, Michael Moore’s filming out on the deck.
Liberal #2: Cool… we’d better run to get a good seat…
[RUNNING SOUNDS]
Liberal #2: Oooof!
Terrorist: Aaaarch! Infidel, you disturb my prayers!
Liberal #1: Well, you shouldn’t leave your towel on the floor and bow down so people can trip over you.
Terrorist: Infidel dog! You insult my honor-
LIberal #1: Excuse me. Who are YOU?
Terrorist: My name is Mohammed Al Getyu. And I’m here to exterminate Jews.
Liberal #2: Oh, great! We need an exterminator. You wouldn’t believe the size of the cockroaches in the cabins.
Terrorist: I said Jews, infidel, not cockroaches.
Liberal #2: But you can kill cockroaches, right?
Terrorist: I guess so.
Liberal #1: Great! Here’s my room key… room 911.
Narrator: “Meanwhile, in Spacemonkey’s cabin.”
[KARL ROVE ON PHONE, PHONE CHATTER]
SPACEMONKEY: “I’m supposed to what? Go to the bottom of the ship and tear the duct tape? Ummmm… okay.”
[CLANKING DOWN LOTS OF STEPS]
GUNSHOTS FROM SARAHK’S GUN CLUB
HARVEY CHASING DUCKY AROUND THE GALLEY (“Will you sit still so I can keelhaul you!”)
LAIR STEALING TOWELS AND SOAP (“99 48/100’s pure profit!”)
KEVIN TALKING TO PASSENGERS ABOUT A CLASS ACTION SUIT
SPACEMONKEY: “Ah, finally… at the bottom of the ship… ah, here’s a good bit of tape to pull…”
[RIIIIIIIIP!]
[SINKING SOUNDS]
SPACEMONKEY: “Be this the end of Spa- glub glub glub.”
[SCREAMS SIRENS ALARMS SHIP SINKING SOUNDS … DIXIE CHICKS GET ORDERED TO PLAY AS IT SINKS]
Narrator: “And with a single rip Karl Rove’s nefarious plan is put into action… knowing full well that Spacemonkey would build the ship using duct tape, all it took was a single torn strip of it to sink the cruise ship and drown all the liberals inside. Except…”
[CROWD SOUNDS… WHINING]
TED KENNEDY: [VARIOUS RANDOM BOSTONIAN ACCENT GROWLS]
Liberal #1: “I’m sorry, Senator Kennedy, but without any lifeboats, we’re having to ride on you as a floatation device.”
Liberal #2: “Hey, we found Al Sharpton… we can hold on to his back hair!”
[AL SHARPTON-STYLE PREACHING]
Liberal #1: “Amen, Reverend. Now paddle!”
Narrator: “And what happened to the IMAO Podcasters?”
SARAHK: “… and that’s why we always wear our life jackets when shooting at the range.”
[SPLASH]
SPACEMONKEY: “Oof! Thanks for rescuing me, Aquaman.”
AQUAMAN: “You’re welcome, Spacemonkey. So, can I be your friend?”
SPACEMONKEY: “Um… no.”
AQUAMAN: “Oh, fine.” (SPLASH)
FRANK: “Did anyone remember to grab the safe full of Karl Rove’s money?”
SARAHK: “I told you to deposit that in the bank.”
FRANK: “But it was Labor Day Weekend and the banks were closed!”
KEVIN: “I think Lair was supposed to go get it. After all, that’s why you put ‘THIS SAFE CAN BE USED AS A FLOATATION DEVICE’ in Hebrew on the side, right?”
FRANK: “Uh oh. Um… do Jews float?”
[ORGAN MUSIC]
NARRATOR: “Will Laurence Simon sink to the bottom of the coean,
clutching the safe full of Frank’s money? Will Aquaman ever get any
respect. Will-”
FRANK: “Quiet, you! I just want my money.”
NARRATOR: “Speaking of which, when do I get paid?”
FRANK: “Well, unless I get that safe full of money, you won’t?”
(possible excuse for follow-up episode? “20,000 Zionist Nuclear Weapons Under the Sea” – after all, Zionist nuclear testing set off the Indonesian earthquakes and tsunamis… Lair rescued by Zionist sub… singing “We all live in a Jewish submarine” etc.)