“I think people judge Islam too harshly,” Bush said aloud as he wrote his speech. “The reason for violent reactions to even the slightest criticism of Islam is obviously just a way to cover up their homosexual tendencies. Once we realize that, we can come to a peaceful understanding of each other.”
Bush held up his speech. “This should end violence in the Middle East!”
Bush’s intercom buzzed. “Senator George Allen here to see you.”
“Send him in.”
Into the Oval Office walked a man wearing white sheets and a white hood. Bush was taken aback. “Why are you dressed as Senator Byrd?”
“I’ve decided to come out as who I really am,” Allen announced, “A black-hating, Jew. I hoping you’ll support me on this.”
Bush considered that. “How about I support you in spirit but not in word or action.”
Allen pointed an accusing finger at Bush. “I always knew you had some macaca in you!” He then stormed out.
“My great grandmother was a macaca and I don’t care who knows!” Bush shouted. He then took a sip of his coffee. “That guy just is not presidential material.” When he set the mug down, sirens went off.
“NUCLEAR MISSILES ARE BEING LAUNCHED AT PAPAU NEW GUINEA IN T MINUS 20 SECONDS!”
Bush quickly picked up the phone. “Abort! Abort!” The sirens then stopped. “One of these days I’m going to learn to stop using the The Button as a coaster.”
The wall then burst open. “Rarr!” Donald Rumsfeld roared as he charged towards Bush.
“I got a door, Rummy!”
Rumsfeld grabbed Bush by the collar, knocking over the desk. “People are leaking classified information! I want whoever is responsible found! I then want him cut into four pieces which will then be placed at the four corners of the world as a warning to all others!”
“Hey! I don’t like it either! We have an election coming up, and people are leaking information to try and make me look bad. If things keep going this way, after I leave office I could end up like Bill Clinton, red-faced and wagging my finger at some interviewer.” Bush then thought for a moment. “Well, I guess it could be worse; I could end up like Carter. That guy is more odd spectacle than man.”
Rumsfeld dropped Bush to the ground. “They say my wars have created more terrorists. If that’s true, then how do I have all of these?” Rumsfeld dropped a number of terrorist skulls on the floor. “I get more every day, and I mail them to school teachers to use as teaching aids so they can hold them up to students and say, ‘Look; this is what happens if you become a terrorist. The Secretary of War will boil your head until nothing is left but a clean skull which he will then mail to a teacher to be used as a teaching aid.”
Bush stood up. “Don’t worry, Rummy; we’ll set things straight. They’ll know we kill terrorists good, and I’ll stop all the leaks.”
“You better! I’m still working on my war plans with Iran, and I don’t want it leaked that, as soon as we conquer Iran and take their oil, our troops are marching straight into Venezuela to take its oil.”
“But I didn’t think Venezuela was next to Iran.”
“They’re close enough!” Rumsfeld then marched away, smashing another hole through a wall as an exit.
“To catch the leakers, I need a brilliant plan!” Bush said to himself. He then laughed evilly. “I got it!”

Bush changed the channel on the TV. “We’re going to watch the news.”
“But I was extremely ready for some football!” Vice President Cheney grumbled.
“I know, but I just implemented a brilliant plan.” Bush smiled manically as he sat on the couch to watch the TV. “I distributed twelve different classified documents that would be extremely politically damaging to me to twelve different parts of the CIA. I’ll just wait and see which one leaks and then I’ll know where the leaks are coming from.”
“This just in,” the news anchor said, “The New York Times has been leaked twelve different classified reports that reflect very poorly on President Bush’s performance in fighting terrorism. According to the reports, President Bush gave WMDs to Al Qaeda in exchange for a bag of candy, ordered the bombing of several villages in Denmark when he mistakenly thought that country was in the Middle East, and he only decided to invade Iraq because he thought he left his car keys there. Who knows what kind of backlash this will have for the Bush administration, but, I think I speak for the American people when I say I hope it’s extreme.”
“Great plan, idiot,” Cheney said.
“I can’t believe they leaked all of that!” Bush yelled. “That ungrateful CIA! All this after I made sure they could belly slap terrorists all they want! That’s it; anytime we find out cool classified information, I’m not letting the CIA find out. Who needs them?” Bush slumped down in the couch. “I get most of my information from the Drudge Report nowadays, anyway.”