“I don’t care anything about terrorism!” Bill Clinton declared loudly to Sandy Berger and Madeleine Albright. “I just care about getting BJs from interns!”
“Wow,” President Bush remarked, “this ABC movie really does make Clinton look bad.”
“You’re not watching ABC, dear,” Laura Bush told him. “You’re looking out the window. Clinton and his friends were coming over today, remember?”
“Oh yeah. I forgot why I was scotch-guarding everything.”
“And I’m going to go hide the valuables. Call me if you need anything.” Laura headed out the door.
Clinton, Berger, and Albright entered the Oval Office. “Hey! Dubya! Good to see you, man!” Clinton exclaimed.
Bush quickly backed away to avoid a hug. “What do you want, Slick?”
“Just the usual, ya know.” He bit his lip. “I’m looking for my legacy.”
“Well, I ain’t seen it. I did see some odd garbage by the dumpster out back; that might be it.”
Clinton laughed. “Dubya is a funny guy, ain’t he?”
Albright looked unamused. Berger looked around the room in a way that made Bush quite wary.
Clinton walked through the office. “Man, I miss this place.” He suddenly stopped in one spot and smiled as he looked to Bush. “Know what I used to do right here?”
Bush was horrified. “No! And I don’t want to know! If you try and tell me, I’ll punch you in your big stupid mouth!”
“Fair enough.”
Bush looked suspiciously at the three of them. “So what are you guys up to?”
“Just thinking of the history books,” Clinton said. “You see, that recent slanderous miniseries on ABC got us really thinking again about how history will look back on my administration. The problem is, my presidency was between the end of the Cold War and before 9/11. It was eight, uneventful years of economic prosperity.”
“Yeah, that must have been rough for you. Now, can you get to your point, because I was going to give a speech today on–” Bush noticed his written speech was missing from his desk. “Where did my speech go?” He pointed an accusing finger at Berger. “Did you shove it down your pants?”
“No… I… Okay, I did.” Berger pulled the speech out of his pants and handed it to Bush.
“Aww! Now it’s going to smell of Berger pants!” Bush quickly put it back on his desk. “Why do you always have to shove stuff down your pants?”
“I have the opposite problem,” Clinton chuckled. “I can’t keep things in my pants.”
“We all know your problem, Slick.”
“Anyway, Dubya what we’re worried about is that our administration will get unfairly ignored,” Clinton said. “I’m just afraid that people aren’t going to remember a good economy years from now and something must be done to make sure people remember me far into the future.”
“So, let me guess, you’re going to star in some pornos?”
Clinton shrugged. “I have some offers, but that’s not what I’m talking about. I need to make it more apparent to the public that my administration anticipated the terrorist threat.”
“That would be nice for you,” Bush said, “except you didn’t. Instead, that was just another mess left for me.”
“There was no terrorism until you came along!” Albright screeched. “You! You! You! It’s all because of you!”
“Actually, weren’t there a number of attacks during–”
Albright started hitting Bush with an umbrella. “You! You! No terrorism until you!”
Bush swatted her away. “Get away from me, you old bat!” His phone started ringing. “It’s the Attorney General; as much as I like reminiscing about when Democrats were just scumbags instead of completely nuts, I have to take this.” Bush picked up the phone. “What is it, Speedy?”
“I want to get information out of our terrorists suspects, but I’m all confused on what I’m allowed to do without it being considered torture. I’m being told I can’t yell at them, I can’t play loud music, I can’t shine lights in their eyes, and I can’t connect their gonads to car batteries because that’s all ‘torture.'”
“Just do what your heart tells you is right.”
“Well, in my heart, I hate all humanity and love to hear people scream in pain.”
“Whatever; just figure it out because I have Bill Clinton bothering me.”
“Man, I’d love to hook his gonads up to a car battery.”
“No, he’d probably like that.” Bush hung up and looked to Clinton. “I’m not going to help you with your stupid legacy, Slick. I have problems enough making it seems like I’m not the worst President in history.” Bush thought for a moment. “Well, worst two-term President in history. I’m finally getting my polls numbers nearing 50%, and it won’t help things to be seen near you.”
“Fine,” Clinton said. “I just thought you and me could be friends and help each other out. So, how’s the wife?”
“She not a conniving shrew who I have a sham of a marriage with, if that’s what you’re asking.”
Clinton laughed. “You’re good with those zingers. So, seriously, like what’s she wearing?”
Bush knocked Clinton to the ground with a right-hook.
Clinton picked himself off the floor. “Entirely justified. If you knew exactly the sort of things I was thinking of doing to your wife–”
Bush punched Clinton again, sending him back to the floor.
Clinton chuckled and wiped the blood from his mouth as he stood back up. “I really need to learn when to shut up. At least I didn’t ask you about your daughters.”
The next punch knocked Clinton into a wall before he fell to the ground. Suddenly, a hulking mass appeared at the doorway. “Reno hungry!” it declared.
“Okay, Janet.” Clinton stood up once more. “We’ll go get lunch now.” Clinton looked to Bush. “Just think about helping my legacy, and maybe I can help yours.”
“And you think about getting some serious therapy,” Bush answered.
Clinton chuckled as he and the rest walked out the door. “That Dubya; he’s a funny guy.”
Laura then came to the office and looked at the floor. “A blood stain! Well, I guess I was worrying about even worse stains to clean up when I heard he was visiting.”
“Yeah, Slick sure has an effect on people when he drops by. If anyone needs me in the next three hours, tell them I’m showering.”
that was on of the funnierist ones yet…dang that was funny. I wish i could see a well acted flash movie of that one…
Awesome.
Only 3 hours?
I still can’t get rid of the feeling that he is lurking around after six years.
Seriously I’m starting to think you are not a creative talent. You just have a microphone in the oval office and you just transcribe. “Reno Hungry” you couldn’t make that up.
Frank, you’re a master.
The Clinton’s are beginning to stink up the place, and I think even the D’s are finally noticing. The last one to know, however, will be Kerry. Or maybe Reid. Or Dean. Or Kos.
On second thought…nevermind.
Clinton Legacy–now there’s an oxymoron.
“Whatever; just figure it out because I have Bill Clinton bothering me.”
“Man, I’d love to hook his gonads up to a car battery.”
“No, he’d probably like that.”
Superb.
//”Get away from me, you old bat!”//
Don’t you think Clinton wanted to do that a time or two?
This is why we read this blog. Great post.
Really funny stuff! Reno Hungry…Priceless!!!
//Albright started hitting Bush with an umbrella. “You! You! No terrorism until you!”//
Right about here I had to get somebody to apply a defib to my heart, ’cause you absolutely killed me with this one, Frank!! and to prove my mirth I’ve stayed after work to use their internet to tell you how funny it was.
FREAKING BRAVO!!!
great stuff! very funny!
“I don’t care anything about terrorism!” Bill Clinton declared loudly to Sandy Berger and Madeleine Albright. “I just care about getting BJs from interns!”
“Wow,” President Bush remarked, “this ABC movie really does make Clinton look bad.”
“You’re not watching ABC, dear,” Laura Bush told him. “You’re looking out the window. Clinton and his friends were coming over today, remember?”
What can I say? This has to be one of the funniest IMW ever.
That was one of the best IMWs ever. Absolutely perfect.
Brilliant!
You had me rolling on the floor. Now I have to change my towel. You should get the JibJab guys to produce that for you.
“Reno hungry”! That’s what burqas are for.
“Just the usual, ya know.” He bit his lip. “I’m looking for my legacy.”
“Well, I ain’t seen it. I did see some odd garbage by the dumpster out back; that might be it.”
“No… I… Okay, I did.” Berger pulled the speech out of his pants and handed it to Bush.
“Aww! Now it’s going to smell of Berger pants!” Bush quickly put it back on his desk. “Why do you always have to shove stuff down your pants?”
I really can’t decide which of the above is funnier.
Great IMW
Are you TRYING to kill me or what?! I can’t breath!
Also, no fair posting links to polls since you banned MFL…the poor little troll is probably foaming at the mouth over that one…at least that’s what the polls say.
FrankJ promised us teh funny. He has delivered teh funny. All hail FrankJ.
I know I posted already but I have to say that you’ve inspired a new tradition in the shimauma household…”Readings from Frank”. It’s about the only time I can get Moonbunny and Hlaoroo to sit quietly together while I do the voices and mime Albright whacking Bush with an umbrella. I DID have to change “BJs from interns” to “special favors from interns” but by “Reno Hungry!” they were ROLLING.
Another generation inspired by the works of Frankj…it’s beautiful! (wipes tears from eyes)
“Just the Usual. I’m looking for my legacy”. I even could hear his voice and his stupid laugh in this one. This was perfect. Great work! And boy, did you ever get it exactly right!
sorry. I wasn’t being anonymous. I just forgot to put my name on the previous post.
Perfect.
Perfections.
Simply perfections.
Funny but not terrably accurate. W does not strike me as the violent type and well the two Presidents actualy have a very friendly relationship with one another.
OMG! It took me a half hour to pick myself up off the floor from rolling around with laughter! After a three month absence (sorry, couldn’t stand sitting in a cubical surrounded by rabid libs; just finished moving and getting a new job) I came back just in time to read your best IMW yet! Keep up the great work, Frank!
Giovanni, thanks for that sobering dose of reality. I am glad you ironed out the last few knots of non-realistic dialogue left after Frank sweated over that piece and had it vetted by the IMAO legal department.
Great writing.
Could I suggest the Secret Service getting in a few moments of rough stuff on the BJ crew? Some of the career Secret Service folks would probably love getting a chance for payback on the Clinton bunch. Hitting the present President or the protection detail “observing such acts” would be reason enough for them to “persuade” the ex-occupants to vacation elsewhere. Maybe Borneo.