“Where am I?” Joe Wilson cried.
“An undisclosed location,” Dick Cheney sneered.
“A place you’ll never escape from,” President Bush said.
A evil laugh emanated from the shadows, and Wilson could only assume it came from Karl Rove. Wilson then looked around the room. “This kinda looks like the Denny’s near my house.”
“Maybe it is.” Bush accepted a coffee from the waitress. “So, Joe, we’re really tired about hearing about you and your wife, so it’s time to put an end to this.”
“What did you do with my wife?”
Bush smiled. “We simply strapped her to a table with a laser beam slowly moving towards her to cut her in half.”
“But don’t worry,” Cheney added, “She’s a…” Cheney did air quotes. “‘Secret Agent’. I’m sure it will be no trouble for her.”
“Leave my wife alone!” Wilson cried. “She’s my meal ticket!”
“Speaking of meals…” Bush put on some protective gloves and set a lead box on the table. “Why don’t you have some… YELLOW CAKE!” Bush opened the box, took out some uranium, and shoved it in Wilson’s mouth.
“Noooo… mmmrph…”

“Is it really my job to hold people up while you pummel them?” Tony Snow asked.
“Yes, Snowman.” Bush landed a couple more punches into Senator Harry Reid’s gut. “You should have read your job contract more closely.” Bush punched Reid again, but then stopped. “Aww, now I’ve forgotten why I’m punching him. You see, that’s why I always liked Tom Daschle better: I never forgot why I was punching him. Okay, Tony, let him go.”
Reid stumbled out of the Oval Office.
“And don’t do whatever you did again!” Bush yelled at him. He turned to Tony. “So what’s next?”
“I believe you’re meeting with Mayor Ray Nagin.”
“This place is nice!” Nagin said as he entered the Oval Office. “But it could use more chocolate!”
“Grab him!” Bush shouted and picked up a tire iron. Tony held Nagin’s hands behind his back while Bush readied his tire iron. “I’m gonna bash you in the head, Nagin, until you start talking sense!”
“This is totally un-chocolaty!” Nagin yelped. He then wiggled out of his suit jacket and ran off.
“Tony!” Bush yelled. “You need to keep a better hold! Nagin is weasely!”
“Sorry, Mr. President. Anyway, I have a press conference soon, and it’s just been reported that Joe Wilson has mutated into a half-man, half-badger. Do we have an official statement on that?”
“I don’t know anything about that!” Bush screamed at Tony. “Stop accusing me of everything!”
“Uh… okay. Are you all right, Mr. President?”
“I’m just a bit stressed, that’s all. We could lose Congress in the upcoming election, so I need to get things done now. There’s still a lot of work to be done to move most of the government under the authority of Halliburton.” Bush thought for a moment. “Hey, Tony, could you go drive to the Home Depot and see if there are any Mexicans who want to do some government work for cheap?”
“As I said, I have a press conference.”
“Fine! Don’t help! Do your stupid press conference and talk to the dumb press people! I have to catch a flight on Air Force One for speeches and fund raisers and stuff, and guess who isn’t invited?”
“I really don’t care, sir.”
“That’s right! You!”

“So, I just wanted to warn you that there is a murderer loose in the UN headquarters,” Bush told John Bolton over the phone.
“I know. The UN is horribly inefficient so I’ve been killing people to speed things up. Also, with each soul I take, my ‘satche grows in power.”
“Oh… okay then. Well, keep up the good work.”
“By the way, the President of Iran wants to debate you.”
“But I hate debates! They’re so boring! And especially don’t want to have one with some guy I can’t pronounce the name of!” Bush thought for a moment. “I guess I’ll talk to Rumsfeld about just nuking Iran, because I was really set on the idea that I’d never have another debate.”
As Bush hung up the phone, a TSA agent approached. “Sir, we need you to step aside for special screening before you’re allowed on Air Force One.”
“Why?”
“Our records show that you previously nearly killed the President, which makes you a special risk for this flight.”
“But I didn’t mean to choke on that pretzel!”
“Is that a liquid you have with you?”
Bush looked at his bottle of Mountain Dew. “That’s my Dew, man.”
“Liquids aren’t allowed past security. You’ll have to hand that over.”
Bush clutched his bottle tight. “No one takes my Dew!”
The TSA agent frowned. “Fine, then I guess you aren’t getting on the flight.” He picked up his walkie-talkie. “Go ahead and take off.”
Bush watched as Air Force One left without him. “Aww… there goes my plans for this week. Might as well go play videogames and leave representing the administration up to Snowman.” He took a sip of his Mountain Dew. “Eww! This is diet! I don’t want this!”

“Yes, I can say quite conclusively that Bush was never a member of the Nazi Youth, and, if Wikipedia says otherwise, then someone should correct it. Next question.”
David Gregory stepped forward.
“Are you going to behave this time, David?” Tony asked.
“I always behave!” Gregory snapped.
Tony rolled his eyes. “Fine. What’s your question?”
Gregory held up a piece of paper and read from it. “The Republicans failed to anticipate the insurgency in Iraq and failed to react appropriately. Because of the distraction of this war–”
“That’s not a question, David,” Tony interrupted. “You’re just reading the Democrats’ talking points.”
“No I’m not! No I’m not!”
“I can see the DNC logo on that piece of paper from here.”
“Nuh-uh!” Gregory tried to hide the piece of paper under his suit jacket. “That was just a blank piece of paper.”
“Then I guess you could let me see it.”
“No! Mine!”
“Now you’re acting like a child, David.”
Gregory dropped to the ground and started pounding it while screaming, “I’m not acting like a child! You’re acting like a child! Waaaah!”
Suddenly, Rumsfeld burst through the wall to the press briefing room. “Nazi appeasers! All of you! Kill Nazi appeasers! Rarr!”
“Aieee! There’s murder in his eyes!” yelled a reporter.
Rumsfeld chased after the press who fled in a panic. Tony shook his head. “Can’t I have one press conference that doesn’t end with David Gregory throwing a hissy fit and Rumsfeld trying to kill everyone?”