I really don’t like terrorists and think we need to eliminate them all.
Don’t have much else to add to that right now, but I think it’s something worth reiterating once a day.
What are your ideas for eliminating all terrorists? And don’t say just turn the whole Middle East to glass; be a bit more creative.
I think we should sneak into a terrorist cell and randomly insert Gideon copies of the New Testament in the pockets of select terrorists.
The next morning when these “Infidels” are found in the camp, they’ll be Jihading one another instead of trying to kill us.
Draw some more cartoons. They seem to kill themselves if you draw cartoons.
how about shadows and glass?
Make the wearing of Terrorist-skin coats fashionable. If people see J-lo wearing one everybody will want one.
I’ve been thinking along the same lines as ken, but I’m focusing on the raw materials. Pay $50 for every terrorist pelt brought to the local police station. Or perhaps supermarkets could give coupons in returns for terrorist pelts. Or, in a somewhat ironic twist, airlines could give 1,000 frequent-flier miles for every terrorist pelt.
We could sneak into their camps (as the good doctor above suggested) but then we could give them temporary tattoos of Mohammad (the prophet one, not the one down the street who sold me my soda today) in consipuous places, like on their foreheads, while their sleeping. Then just sit back and watch the fun. We could also liberally disperse “pork mines”, land mines that when tripped, dispense the goodness of pork over the surrounding area. I think that would be a sweet gesture on our part.
We could also offer points for each terrorist killed, points that could be redeemed for valuable merchandise. “Joe Smith, you just killed your 500th terrorist, you now have 50,000 points racked up, what would you like to do with them?”
“Well, Chuck, I’ve been thinking I’d like a new car, so I’m going to redeem them for that brand new Ford Mustang GT over there.”
My idea is complex and will take massive resources and effort, but I think it’ll be well worth it.
First, we quietly move the entire United States and all its territories to Mars temporarily. We replace the land with a duplicate and fill it with actors, who will be only too happy to cooperate when we tell them it’s a peace effort. Then we leak information that the US is virtually undefended slowly and carefully so as to not arouse suspicion. Then we allow the terrorists to plan and execute their master offensive, and when they’ve all gathered in the fake U.S., we spring the trap, erecting forcefields. The terrorists will immediately detonate their bombs, dirty or otherwise, and we just keep those shields up as we airlift the fake U.S. to the moon and return the real U.S. to a world now utterly free of terrorists.
OK, I promise this is my last one. We could also have the “First Annual Imao Cruise”. We’d all meet in sunny Florida at the dock, where we wold board a fabulous luxury liner charted just for this event. It would be a seven day cruise across the Atlantic to the Mediteratnian, where we would dock in Beirut. We’d all then head down to the lower levels of the ship, where the massive armories are located, load up on weapons and gear, disembark from the boat, and march to Tehran, killing all who stand in our way. Once we’ve taken Tehran, we can take part in a friendly game of Texas Hold’em, the winner keeping not only the proceeds of the game, but also, taking home the ultimate souveneer (sp?): the head of Iranian President Ahmadenajad on a spike. We would then roll back to Beirut on the conquered military equipment of our crushed and defeated enemy, board our now-fabled cruise ship, and begin the arduous seven days of luxury back home.
I want terrorists to die, period! I don’t want to try to understand them, I don’t want to hear about their cause or their religion — I just want them dead. The only debatable question in my mind is how. I think giving our military some red meat is a good idea because they are trained to kill people and it is important for them to keep these skills sharp. The only way to practice killing is killing and terrorists are good fodder so I’d vote for releasing our military on 75% of terrorists. For the other 25%, however, I’d like to see some sort of slow, painful and humiliating death involving lots and lots of pork.
Someone discover a new translation of the Koran mandating that all Islam’s followers listen to and study all past, present and future statements, TV Shows and/or movies by Rosie O’Donnell. They will kill themselves in no time flat–
I have reviewed the suggestions, and believe that many of them are quite good. However, most have the drawback of being quite expensive to institute.
I believe I have come up with an idea that will be self financing. Turn Control of the terrorists over to the Game and Fish department. Sell hunting licenses to interested sportsmen. I know I would be happy to pay $50 for the privilege of hunting, as long as the bag limit was not set too low. Yes, I know it will take a while for my local taxidermist to make the necessary adjustments.
Set up an E-Bay like system for iraq. Nothing will fire up capitolism/democracy faster then terorists getting hooked on e-bay.
I say we make a giant spaceborne table knife and use it to cover the entire Middle East with a thin layer of ham salad. The terrorists will attempt to run away, but ham salad is slippery, so they will fall and hurt themselves. And we will laugh.
Of course we shouldn’t turn the middle east to glass. We should use the neutron bomb (as opposed to the Neutron Dance). That way, the terrorists will be killed, but the infrastructure saved. Then we go in and harvest the precious life giving oil. Oh and someone call Isreal and let to get out of the middle east for a couple of days.
I say we give them each their own car
Carpet Bomb the whole area…maybe some paisley carpets, some thick shag…I read somewhere that mooselimbs are afraid of carpet.
My dogs found a porcupine last night. We spent the better part of three hours pulling quills out of them. I say we turn porcupines loose in their camps.
Hold a contest for the most creative way to commit suicide and collect their 72 virgin camels. Offer $100,000 to the best with a “round robin” of local affairs leading up to the finals. Of course a real winner cannot collect the dough, but he has cmels to ride forever.
Many muslims claim the jooooos have secretly developed a biological weapon that only kills arabs. If they could refine it to kill islamic jihadis, then the world could be free from islamic terror.
Sorry, I still like the glass idea, so what about leaded glass? That’s art, that’s creative, right? But let the Army & Marines take care of the lead, and the Navy & Air Force can do the glass.
Actually I think we need to do “Jenna Jameson” missions. Massive airdrops of hardcore porn onto terrorist meeting places & their allied cities. Then, when they’re distracted by scrambling about trying to grab their porn, blast ’em into the stone age…. uhhhh, except that seeing as they’re already only one step away from the stone age, maybe I should think of a better metaphor.
I’m partial to mixing the “porkmines” with “carbet bombing” to produce “bacon carpet bombing.”
We load a few dozen B2’s for a series of sorties where we drop large amounts of delicions ham, bacon, sausage and Canadian bacon on the whole lot of them.
I think everything should be freshly cooked because, man, once you get a whiff of delicious cooked pork, oooo baby, you’ll abandon that whole Muslim think for a yummy BLT!
K.I.S.S.! Drop lots of leaflets (insulting cartoons of MohummedWhathisname), followed by lots of cluster (spam) bombs. As for any that flee, I think Burt’s on the right track. I know glass isn’t very original, but mushroom clouds make really pretty sunsets!
Thanks for the chuckles, Frank and commenters. 🙂
I think that any terrorist we catch in the act should be split up the middle, his entrails pulled out and we should stuff the open cavity with pig meat. Then we could bury them head down in a pig sty or a wallow.
Sorry I kind of hate terrorists today, well I hate them everyday but today I loath them, and I want them all to die.
Been thinking about this one for a while…sabotage the entire area. Firstly, cutting every possible line of communication and replacing it with a fabricated one. Next, install millions of cameras all over the place. Finally, build a gigantic dome over the region. I pull my inspiration directly from the “Truman Show” you know, that movie with Jim Carey in it. Then we leak false information in about the entire rest of the infadel world being destroyed or something equally pleasing to them. Of course, they’ll celebrate, but this is where it gets fun.
Nextly, using our fabricated lines of communication (phone lines, TV, etc.) we start instigating things.
RING RING
Mohammed#23840: Salam?
Mysterious Voice: This is Mohammed #47726 from down the street, your mother eats sausage! laughter
Mohammed#23840: WTF!?
CLICK
Mohammed#23840: Where’s my machine gun?
Then sit back and watch the fire works. The terrorists are wiped out, and we have great prime time television, I smell an emmy!
Drop leaflets over their camps with cartoons picturing Mohammed(please pee upon him) being sexually submissive to a Frenchman. Then drop leaflets showing Islamists wantonly dumping French wine & baguettes in the trash. Each party will go apesh*t over the the others’ actions.
It’s that proverbial “two birds with one stone” thing.
I still like the glass idea.
Hijack Al-Jazeera’s satcom link and broadcast the movie version of “Fiddler on the Roof”, 24/7, 365/year.
When they’re captured force them to look at pictures of Mohammed dry humping a naked drunken Rosie O’Donnell’s leg while she dances to Sean Penn singing, “I Gotta Be Me” . They won’t change their beliefs, but they’ll gouge their own eyes out, thus rendering them powerless. Sigh.
Pilgrim-
“a naked drunken Rosie O’Donnell…”
Thanks. Thanks a whole bunch. I used to worry about domestic terrorism, but the image that brings to mind…. GOD SAVE ME!!! EWWWWWW!!!
Let’s face it: Rosie is nothing more that a shaven Mikey Moo-er.
Except that Rosie has more balls… literally.
We send syphillitic goats among them. As they do not have antibiotics, this should be quite devastating.
Check out http://www.terrorism.com. It’s a company that monitors terrorism and provides analysis everyday.
You’ll probably like this article. It’s about how we’re wining the war since 9/11.
this idea uses 1 tactical nuke…does that violate the rule?
smuggle in one small nuke to the Iranian nuclear facility. detonate same. This creates a Chernobyl-like
“eco – crime ” which gives all the Kyoto treaty pansies something else to focus their bitching on.
Have John Bolton’s mustache make private phone calls to world leaders stating that “we told those Iranians to keep an eye on that pressure regulator valve but they just never listened”.
Leave a videotape with Al- Jazeera with a guy in a turban named Sunni Jim claiming responsibility for the act citing his group’s desire “to destroy the imam – worshiping power of the anti-Islamic Shia bastards Love , the Sunnis”.
Then sit back and watch them try to out-martyr each other.
I agree. Regulr green glass is so boring.
I say we first position massive stockpiles of various metal oxides and phosphors
all over the middle east, then nuke them.
The swirling, glowing colors will look fantastic from space.