Archive of entries posted on October 2006
IMAO Exclusive: John Kerry Testifies About Troop Stupidity Before Congress
We have just found out that John Kerry has recently testified before Congress about alleged troop stupidity. Here’s part of his statement from the transcript:
I would like to talk, representing all those veterans, and say that several months ago in Detroit, we had an investigation at which over 150 honorably discharged and many very highly decorated veterans testified to stupidity committed in the Middle East, not isolated incidents but misadventures committed on a day-to-day basis with the full awareness of officers at all levels of command.
They told the stories at times they had personally ran with scissors, put on shoes before socks, put on pants before underwear, connected positive to negative between two car batteries and then turned up the power, licked frozen telephone poles, blown their salaries on lottery tickets, drank expired milk, shouted “Shazam!” in fashion reminiscent of Jomer Pyle, set action figures on fire for fun, fed bears, and generally mooned the countryside of Iraq in addition to the normal mooning in war, and the normal and very particular mooning which is done by the applied stupidity of this country.
Who’s Smarter? College Students or Soldiers Stuck in Iraq?
You know, education, if you make the most of it, if you study hard and you do your homework, and you make an effort to be smart, uh, you, you can do well. If you don’t, you get stuck in Iraq.
~ John Kerry
Since John Kerry’s job (besides being the absentee senator from Massachusetts) is to make boxes of rocks look like Stephen Hawking, I thought I should point out that he may be mistaken, as shown by these:
10) In Iraq, “fries with that” is the answer to the question “what does a soldier do with a flamethrower?”.
9) Camels smell better and make more sense than anti-war protesters.
8) During any given exam, answering “empty the clip” will always get you at least partial credit.
7) Full credit for adding “…and then reload”.
6) Sometimes you’re actually ENCOURAGED to crash your Hummer into things.
5) MREs are tastier, cheaper, and more filling than Ramen noodles.
4) You can drink fancy bottled water without exuding that snooty and slightly effeminate Ivy-league frat-boy air.
3) Blowing s*** up gets you a medal, not double secret probation.
2) You’re over 6000 miles away from John Kerry.
1) They actually PAY you to blow s*** up.
If you’re aware of any other advantages, drop them in the comments.
IMSO Update
Sorry, but the debriefer post is still coming, so hold on to your codebooks. I’ve just been pretty busy lately, and will most likely be spending my free time finishing off the In My World™ compilation (just a little bit left to do and it’s off to the presses).
Once that’s over – and then the huge focus on selling that book – tons more fun activites and more podcasts and vblogs (or “flogs” as I call them).
War Of The Words
CNN is ready for more war coverage: “GOP, Kerry launch war of words over Iraq comment.”
When Ted Turner gives Senator Kerry medals for bravery and valor in the face of rational arguments, how far do you think he’ll huck ‘the suckers?
A Message from John Kerry
**Actual Text from the recent John F. Kerry address to the students at Pasadena City College. **
Do you know me? I wrote the world famous book “Gold Digging for Dummies” and “Gold Digging for Dummies – Political Edition.”
If you’re in junior college, then you have a world of opportunity awaiting you. Personally, I went to an Ivy League school where I passed almost all of my classes. (I scored a 76 – Thank you very much.)
When you go vote this election day, that’s a Tuesday. This coming Tuesday. No, the next one. Not today. Come back here. It’s NOT TODAY you @@# losers, I mean… I’m happy to see you all so excited. Come Tuesday, you’ll be able to vote as many times as you want.
Remember, by staying in school. you can avoid a fate worse than death: having to join the military. I hate those losers. Anyway, God Bless and remember to support our troops.
John Kerry: “Support the Morons Protecting Our Country!”
Kerry, perhaps using himself as an example, called our troops idiots:
You know, education, if you make the most of it, if you study hard and you do your homework, and you make an effort to be smart, uh, you, you can do well. If you don’t, you get stuck in Iraq.
Now, I thought perhaps this was an inept way of calling Bush dumb, saying that because Bush ain’t smart, he metaphorically got stuck in Iraq. I seem to be in the minority, though, and, after seeing Kerry’s non-apology, I’ll give up that theory.
Michelle Malkin is running with this to try and get MSM coverage of this insult (and, maybe, an actual apology), but first we should ask ourselves “Is our troops dumb?”
Well, I’ll just speak from experience from the troops I know. My mean old man is not only mean, but also kinda dull. Just like that other moron Kerry (who got even worse grades than Bush at Yale), he got sent to Vietnam. My dad was so dumb, he ended being stuck there much longer than Kerry since the only serious injury he got was from playing basketball (which they refused to give him a purple heart for).
Then there’s my brother, Sgt. Joe foo’ the Marine, who is a foo’. He tried to work at computers but was only good at smashing them so he joined the Marines. He got stuck in Iraq just like Kerry said would happen to dumb people. Now he’s joined OCS which will only guarantee him going back to Iraq. If he were smarter, he would have known not to try to become an officer so he could stay out of Iraq.
I also had a roommate at Carnegie Mellon University who is in the Navy. I remember one time after playing a shooting game at the arcade, I tried to explain him how that game used polygons versus other games that used sprites. It was like trying to explain nuclear physics to a dog. I just gave up. Not too bright a guy.
I’m not in the military, but I’m smart. I live in Florida and barely ever get shot at. If I do get shot, Horatio Caine is nearby and will be able to find out who did it.
So, apparently our troops are dumb. Many even read IMAO, and you don’t want to see the average IQ for this place. Thus, I think it’s silly to get angry at Kerry’s remarks. Instead, we should trick Kerry into getting stuck in Iraq. It shouldn’t be too hard; he’s not very smart.
IMAO for Kids: Guide to Halloween Fun!
Hey, kids! It’s Halloween, one of the funnest days of the year, and Uncle Frank J. has some great Halloween tips to make this day the super funnest ever!
IMAO HALLOWEEN TIPS
* You don’t have to spend a lot on costumes. One great costume for kids is to wear regular clothes and go as a midget. People are afraid of midgets.
* Remember to always travel in groups. If you run into a smaller group of kids, you can then beat them up and take their candy.
* Just because someone doesn’t answer the door, it doesn’t mean no one is home. Make sure to break a window and toss in a Molotov cocktail. If there is anyone in there, he’ll soon come out.
* You want to have a scary costume, because, when people are scared, they’re more likely to do what you say and give you candy. Remember: Nothing is scarier than a gun. If you brandish a gun, you won’t only get candy but also watches and jewelry. Also, using a gun you can get convenience stores to give you candy as well. EXTRA TIP: Instead of shouting “Trick or treat!” shout “Empty the registers!” for an extra surprise.
* Since you greet people with “Trick or treat!” if someone doesn’t give you a treat, you must trick him or otherwise you’re a liar whose word can never be trusted. Some traditional Halloween tricks are:
-Egging the house.
-TP’ing trees,
-Threatening loved ones.
* While lots of people have fun on Halloween, for me it’s just another long day of work followed by more work when I get home, thus the last thing I want is a bunch of kids constantly ringing my doorbell. So, stay away from my place as I have a big dog and I will have her bite you.
Have a fun, safe Halloween kids!
Write-in
Q: Why would President Bush tell a crowd in Sugar Land, Texas to “Bring your pencils” when that part of the state is using electronic voting machines?
IMAO Election ’06 Ad
Using advance technology capable of recording both and light and sound waves, I’ve made my own ad for the Republicans (with the help of SarahK!) and then edited it together using advanced and seamless editing techniques.
Watch the video and marvel at the technological advancements of IMAO:
Share with everyone! It is important video that could save the Republicans and America and the world.
Today’s Simpsons Trivia
1) According to Troy McClure, Homer was originally going to be named what?
2) What is the name of Springfield’s comic book shop?
3) Where did Sideshow Bob hide at during the Springfield Air Show?
4) What does Lisa try to get everyone to eat at a barbecue, instead of meat?
Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.
IMAO Election Guide: Virginia, Tennessee, and Maryland – Races About Race
Since you all turn to IMAO for important news and analysis, I thought it was important that I give you a guide to competitive races in the upcoming election, summarizing the important issues at play in those campaigns. Let’s take a look at some of the Senate races, which, as it is, seem to rotate around the subject of race:
Virginia: In the race between George Allen and James Webb, it will probably come down to who used the n-word in the least times and in the least offensive manner. It’s a known fact that both of them hate black people, so the important thing to voters is to pick the one least likely to openly lynch someone. Also, another issue that’s come up is whether putting a child’s penis in your mouth is sexual or not, but that comes up once every election cycle and I wouldn’t expect the matter to be solved now.
Tennessee: Bob Corker should be able to beat Harold Ford Jr. as long as he can keep reminding the public that Ford is black. As we all know, most Republicans are racists, but it seems that some of those racists are being worn over by Ford’s charm and forget that he’s black. Using a clever stratagem, Coker has used jungle drums to put coded messages in his ads to remind people that Ford is black, snapping his racist base out of their trance so that they shout, “Wait a minute! Ford is black! I hate black people!” Rumor has it Corker will ask for a candidate’s race to be listed on the ballots to help these absent-minded racists.
Maryland: In the race between Michael Steele and Ben Cardin, Republicans face the opposite problem: They need to make an effort to keep their racist base from figuring out that Steele is black. Unfortunately, the Republicans were unable to find a qualified, non-negro to run for Senate, and thus hope was placed on Steele who tried to stick to radio ads so the Marylander Republicans wouldn’t find out his blackness. The cat is out of the bag, though, and so a new strategy is being deployed. In the latest ads, it emphasizes that, while most Republicans would be uncomfortable with Steele walking behind them at night, he’ll still do well in D.C. where other, paler Republicans can keep a watch on him to make sure he doesn’t steal things.
Also, Michael J. Fox has caused trouble for Steele and other Republicans by appearing in ads and using voter sympathy to elect Democrats. The initial Republican response led by Rush Limbaugh was quite idiotic, but now Republicans are in a search for someone even shakier and more pathetic looking than Michael J. Fox to counter those ads as that is the only way to intelligently debate stem cell research.
Fox News
Michael J. Fox Fires Back at Critics
Of course, he wasn’t able to HIT any of them.
Do they even bother to think when they write these headlines?
A Religious War Would Be a Great Step Towards Ending Racism
An Editorial by Frank J.
Despite many advances in race relations (even I no longer think all Mexicans are lazy), there is still a long way to go until everyone of every race are treated as equals. So, how can we begin down that path of true racial equality? I think the answer is quite obvious: A bloody religious war.
“We’ll have the white man, the black man, the china man, and the wetbacks all fighting side by side against the dreaded Moslem enemy.”
Religion is a great reason for war, as its something people feel strongly about that isn’t associated with just a particular race. And what religion to war against? Obviously, the Muslims… or, to get into the spirit, our “dreaded Muslim enemy” (or maybe “Moslem enemy” if that spelling looks more threatening). Those Moslems would be more than happy to have a religious war, so we shouldn’t feel like we’re inconveniencing them to put them in one. To get started, we just have to learn to hate all the Moslems proper, or, should I say, hate, the vile Moslems who thirst constantly for our blood (yeah, I’m liking the “Moslem” spelling).
You’re probably worrying about the death and destruction, but, remember: To make an omelet, you have to break a few eggs. Similarly, to end racial strife, we need an extremely bloody war in which millions will be killed. But focusing on the death is missing the point. In a war between Moslems and those who don’t follow the evil Mohammed (or maybe “Muhammad” because I think that’s more foreign-looking), who would make up the group out to destroy the blight of Islam? Why, all races, of course, as non-Moslems are of all races and most nationalities. Think of the beauty of it all when this war gets going: We’ll have the white man, the black man, the china man, and the wetbacks all fighting side by side against the dreaded Moslem enemy.
As for the Moslems we’ll slaughter, it will be a diverse group as well. Dying by our figurative sword (it will actually be assault rifles and bombs) will be Arabs, Asians, blacks, and even the occasional whitey. Everyone loves to kill whitey. Since the evil Muhammad invited all to join with him and Satan, we’ll have a pretty racially diverse enemy. Admittedly, it’s not quite as diverse as those who don’t follow the false prophet, but I think it’s a good enough group to slaughter for the purposes of racial healing.
Nothing brings people together like fighting for a common cause, and what better cause to unite all races of people together than ending the scourge of those vile, sub-human Moslems with their evil, scheming eyes? While people have held many different beliefs throughout the years, the one thing we all have in common is not being Moslem – except for those who are Moslem, and, together, we will fight them to the death. And recognizing our similarities as we send the dreaded Moslems to join Muhammad in hell will make us a people who can stand together whatever other differences we have. Now, some of you may say you’d be against a worldwide religious war because it’s senseless slaughter in which millions of innocent people would die, but maybe you should look into your heart and realize the reason you’re against slaughtering Moslems is because you hate black people.
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us. He is also the author of such books as “War: What Isn’t It Good For?” and “Ending Racism Through Sexism”.
