This is what happens when Frank J. and SarahK sit down to record stuff together. Frank just doesn’t know how to be serious.
Bad Frank.
Archive of entries posted on 9th October 2006
Uhhhh…. This can’t be good
Syria going to attack Israel?
Ok, so let’s recap. President Nutjob says Death to America 100 times a day and wants nukes.
North Korea had an advertisement late last night: “Hey, Mahmoud, you see we have nuke! You want buy nuke? We make good deal!”
Now Syria is preparing its people for war.
Big things are happening.
Fun Trivia
What will be the U.S.’s likely response to Kim Jong Il now that he’s done a nuclear test?
The Only Effective Compromise to End Our Illegal Immigration Problem Is to Destroy Mexico
An Editorial by Frank J.
The United States of America has a huge problem with illegal immigration. Many say this is the fault of America for being so super awesome that everyone wants in. This is a valid criticism. The current proposal to handle the problem is to build a wall along the Mexican border. Of course, natural selection means we’ll then cause a new breed of super-Mexicans to evolve and jump over the wall. They will not only do the jobs Americans are unwilling to do, they will do the jobs we are physically incapable of. So, what is the solution? Some say we should deport all the illegal immigrants here now, but there are millions making that infeasible. Others say we should let anyone in who wants to be here, but then we lose our border and finally our sovereignty and national security. The only real compromise I can see is to destroy all of Mexico.
“Isn’t destroying Mexico the same thing as amnesty?”
I know many of you are thinking “Isn’t destroying Mexico the same thing as amnesty?” Since Mexicans in our country would now have no where to be deported to, they would effectively get amnesty. But, we could be sure they will be loyal to America since they have no other country to be loyal to. Why do marches with a flag of a non-existent country? Also, having utterly destroyed Mexico leaving nothing but murky water filled with radioactive sharks, we could be sure no more illegal immigration will come from the south. Thus, both sides get something they want: the pro-illegal immigration is assured that Mexicans who came here just to better their families get to stay, and the anti-illegal-immigration people get to know that no more dirty Mexicans will be flowing into the country.
You’re probably now wondering how much will this innovative solution cost? Well, the cost of the nuclear weapons needed to completely obliterate Mexico will be more than the cost of the wall, but, those are resources we own now and have already paid for. Others, especially illegal-alien sympathizers, may worry how many innocent Mexicans will die because of this. The answer is none, because no Mexicans are innocent in my mind. Still, we will give Mexico warning, and station our troops on our border so the Mexicans are forced to flee to Venezuela… or whatever is south of them. Check a map yourself, I’m busy.
Now, unfortunately, this solution will not work for any border problems we have with Canada. While Mexico only produces burritos and tequila Mexican alcohol and clay pots – things we can get plenty of here in America – Canada has oil, something we can never have too much of. Instead, we’ll simply have to intimidate them into bowing to our will. I suggest bombing their places of worship – maples trees and hockey rinks – until they surrender. Many of them are French, so surrender is in their blood and they’ve probably been dying to capitulate to us for years.
Thus, we see the solution to our problem of illegal immigration is as simple as bombing the crap out of one of our neighbors. This compromise will let hard working Mexicans stay with no worries of being deported while making sure we no longer have anymore influx of illegals. Thus, everyone is happy, and, as with all my plans, there is no downside. So write your Congressman and let’s get a bipartisan commission working on this right away.
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us. He is also the author of such books as “How Many Countries Is Too Many?” and “The History of the Burrito: How the Tortilla Wrapped Delicacy Was Stolen from the Irish by Thieving Mexicans and How the Irish Forgot About It Due to Heavy Drinking”.
Officer and a Foo’
Sgt. Joe foo’ the Marine left this weekend for OCS (he had to miss the season premiere of Battlestar Gallatica, for which he was very upset; I blurted out that I’ll buy him it when it comes out on DVD… but do you know how much they make you pay for ten episodes?). He worked hard to get accepted into OCS (he’s a bit old for it, his getting in it having been delayed by his deployment to Iraq), but he still has a lot of work ahead of him. Most don’t make it through to become a commissioned officer. Still, Joe has been a Marine for eight years now, and, despite being a foo’, he’s pretty smart and should do well. Still, keep him in your prayers.
BTW, he’s been spoiling for a fight with the Norks since he first joined the Marines.
Also, Patriot Xeno is part of the same OCS class. Godspeed to them both.
North Korean Nuclear Explosive Test FAQ
Q. Why is this a big deal? We’ve had nuclear weapons since the forties. What’s next? The North Koreans getting the microwave?
A. Let’s not underestimate this. While nuclear weapons go back a very long time, the speculation on their popularity was vastly overblown, as none of the predictions of every American flying around in his own personal helicopter armed with nuclear bombs ever came true.
Q. So, should we panic? I’m due for a good panic.
A. Sure. Go ahead.
Q. Aieeeeeeeeee! Game over, man! Game over! What are we going to do, man? What are we going to do?
A. We’ll probably enact sanctions.
Q. And that stops a nuclear explosion how?
A. Once the country is hit by a nuclear attack, it allows us to say, “Hey, we tried.” The only thing worst than a nuclear holocaust is a nuclear holocaust where you didn’t even impotently try sanctions to stop it.
Q. How can we be sure North Korea really set off a nuclear explosion? The explosion was only equivalent to 550 tons of TNT, and Bob Owens thinks they could have used conventional explosives to do that. Is he crazy?
A. Absolutely. Where in the world would North Korea get that much TNT? Dynamite R Us? That place has, at most, a half a ton of TNT in stock at a time. If you do the math, that means the North Koreans would have to visit at least six dynamite stories, driving all over North Korea to find them. Perhaps now you get an idea of how infeasible that would be.
Q. The Russians say the explosion was 5 to 15 kilotons.
A. The Russians say lots of things, and they also use the number three as a letter. Bunch of goofballs, the whole lot of them.
Q. So, are the North Koreans crazy enough to use their nuclear weapons? I mean, their leader is this short, weirdo with a potbelly and poofy hair. The guy is practically a carnival freak.
A. Hey! Don’t provoke him, fool! He has nuclear weapons!
Q. So, is that it? Is he going to nuke me dead?
A. Possibly… if you’re visiting Japan and the North Korean missiles work perfectly. The much more likely target is the ocean between North Korean and Japan.
Q. He can’t keep his Dong up, am I right?
A. Huh?
Q. It was a joke. See, the North Korean missile names all has the word “dong” in it, and that is often used as a synonym for…
A. Well, I’m glad that while we’re all threatened with nuclear death, you can make jokes. We here at IMAO are against all jokes.
Q. I know, I come here everyday. Anyway, if their missiles won’t work, what about the possibility of a nuclear weapon being strapped to a North Korean ninja who could then sneak into America with his ninja skills?
A. Nuclear ninjas? Bah.
Q. But they also know kung fu.
A. Well, it sounds like a job for Batman.
Q. I was thinking Chuck Norris.
A. Either or. Anyway, I hear Homeland Security is well aware of the nuclear ninja threat, and will shoot on site anyone dressed all in black.
Q. Won’t that cause a lot of innocent Goths to be shot?
A. Yeah. So?
Q. Well… it’s just… forget it. So, isn’t this a failure of the Bush administration?
A. Isn’t everything?
Q. I’m serious! He was all focused on Iraq and it’s non-existent WMDs, and now North Korea has actual working nuclear weapons.
A. What were we supposed to do? Invade them? What would we have to gain? They have no oil for us to steal, and we already have plenty of nuclear weapons of our own, so why would we want theirs?
Q. It’s more than that! I hear the Koreans eat dogs. We have to stop that!
A. That’s a cultural thing.
Q. But it’s just like cannibalism… except, instead of eating people, they eat dogs!
A. The U.S. government won’t even stop Glenn Reynolds from making puppy smoothies, so I wouldn’t expect action against North Korea.
Q. I question the timing of this nuclear test.
A. Of course you do, you moonbat.
Q. Well, how do you think this will effect the election?
A. While the Democrats can play this up as a Bush failure, if Americans feel there is an actual big international threat out there, people aren’t going to look for protection among a bunch of whiny Democrats who all had silicon testes implants to pretend they actually have balls.
Q. Some Democrats do have testicles!
A. Maybe Hillary.
Q. This is stupid. I want more info about the Mark Foley scandal!
A. I’m sure the MSM will prioritize towards that as soon as they can.
Q. What does a dog taste like?
A. If you’re really curious, e-mail Glenn Reynolds. Now, have a happy, radioactive day.
Today’s Simpsons Trivia
1) (T/F) Ralph is Chief Wiggum’s son.
2) Who owns the Springfield doorbell shop?
3) Homer goes into space with which real-life astronaut?
4) In “Das Bus”, what bites Bart on the butt?
Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.