Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice ran into the Oval Office. “North Korea has gone nuclear!”

President Bush shrugged his shoulders. “So?”

Condi walked over to a map of the world on the wall. She pointed to one spot. “Here’s North Korea.” She then pointed to America. “Here’s us.”

Bush leaped out of his chair. “We’re on the same map! We have to do something!”

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld barged into the office. “I hear North Korea did a nuclear test! We must immediately attack Iran!”

“Aww! Not another Middle Eastern war!” Bush said. “We have enough of those.”

“It would ensure your place in the history books as the President with the most wars ever,” Condi said.

Bush sat back down. “I don’t want to be in the history books. I just took this job so my father wouldn’t think I’m a loser.”

The phone rang. Bush answered, and, on the other end, George H. W. Bush shouted, “You’re a loser!” and hung up.

Bush set the phone down. “Aww… it didn’t work.” He looked to Condi. “So, what are the North Koreans going to do with their nukes?”

“Well, they released this statement.” Condi held up a piece of paper and read:

“Test of nuclear explosive super lucky good. North Korea now great super power number one because of fabulous Kim Jong Il. He got eleven holes in one first time he played golf. He super great and not goofy looking at all. Kim Jong Il very sexy and make all women horny. North Korea nuclear power with Kim Jong Il very fearsome and more powerful than fourteen dragons.”

Bush thought about that. “Well, that could mean anything!”

Rumsfeld pounded Bush’s desk. “We need to kill that poofy-haired freak!”

“That’s your solution to everything. Last night when we were playing Scrabble and couldn’t find the die, you said we should murder Kim Jong Il.”

“There’s no die in Scrabble,” Condi said.

“Let’s not have this argument again!” Bush yelled, pointing at her ferociously.

Condi rolled her eyes. “Anyway, from the size of the blast, we’re not even sure North Korea was successful in setting off a nuclear explosive.”

“Well, what does intelligence think?” Bush looked to a man wearing a black suit and sunglasses who was standing in the background. “Clancy, you’re my intelligence guy. Did North Korea make a real nuclear blast?”

“That’s classified.”

“Classified classified… or it will be in tomorrow’s New York Times classified?”

Clancy adjusted his black tie. “I can’t answer that.”

“What if I ask nicely?”

“I can neither confirm nor deny whether that technique will cause me to give you the information.”

Bush rubbed his chin. “By asking nicely, I could get the information,” he thought out loud, “or I could just be wasting my time. Well, I can’t take that risk.” He looked to Condi. “I’m off to the U.N. to see if we can do sanctions against North Korea to teach them they are a bad bad country.”

“The U.N.?!” Condi exclaimed. “They suck!”

“Rarr! I want to bomb the U.N.!” Rumsfeld yelled. “I want to kill them and all of their sympathizers!”

Bush stood up. “No! We go to the U.N., wait for them to completely bungle this, and then we start bombing. That’s how civilized people do things!” He then threw his stapler through the window to signal the conversation was over.

“Where big nukey boom boom?” Kim Jong Il demanded. “There was supposed to be big nukey boom boom!”

“I’m afraid the test was a failure,” Jong’s aide said.

“What! But I need big nukey boom boom for new Taepo Dong missile! I need it for big powerful dong! Dong! Dong! Dong!”

“Please stop saying ‘dong’. We’ll get working on a new test.”

“Make big nukey boom boom! Big nukey boom boom for my dong! They shall know I am powerful!” Jong looked around and shouted, “Where’s my hairdresser? I need my hair bigger and poofier! Need hair so big that I tower over all others! They shall all fear Kim Jong Il! They shall shake in fear before my giant poofy hair! Then I’ll show them my dong, and they will flee in terror! Hee hee hee!”

“It’s the ‘stache!” Bush said as he entered into the U.N. chamber and sat next to Ambassador John Bolton. “I’ve heard a lot of U.N. members complain you’re not respecting this place.”

His powerful mustache bristled. “It deserves no respect.”

“Okay, but can you at least refrain from urinating in the auditorium… especially on other U.N. members?”

“No.”

Bush shrugged. “Well, I tried.”

Bolton looked around. “Where’s my pen?”

At the podium, President Vincente Fox began speaking. “The U.S. plans to make a fence along our border, and we think this is very bad. First of all, they have no right. Second of all, if the fence keeps out my citizens, who will pick their beans? Thirdly…”

Bolton glared at Fox and noticed a blue pen in his pocket. Bolton stood up and pointed at Fox. “That thieving Mexican stole my pen!” Bolton then charged the podium, knocking over tables and chairs and world leaders in the process. He then leaped at Fox.

“Aye carumba!”

As Bolton pinned Fox to the ground and proceeded to pummel him, Bush took the podium. “Since the floor is open, I just thought I’d say that North Korea having nuclear weapons is very bad. Kim Jong Il is a short little pot-bellied, poofy-haired dingus, and that’s exactly the sort of person who shouldn’t have the ability to blow lots of stuff up. I hope you’ll all help me in enacting sanctions against them. If you do, I’ll order pizza for everybody… maybe even breadstick too. We got a deal?”

“No!” shouted the Chinese ambassador.

“Why?”

“Because, we’re… well… Communists and evil.”

“Oh, okay.” Bush said. “But everyone else is for it, right? And when I mean everyone, I mean the countries that aren’t small and dinky and stupid.”

“We’re against sanctions too,” the Russian ambassador said.

“What? I thought you guys weren’t evil anymore.”

“No. We tried not being evil, but it didn’t work out for us. So we’re evil still, and we’re against sanctions.”

“This is useless,” Bush said. “We need to–”

“You’ve spoken long enough,” Kofi Annan said. “Many other people here would like the floor to express their hatred of Jews, so why don’t–”

Bolton smashed a chair into the back of Kofi’s head. He then unzipped his fly. “I need to pee.”

Bush fled for the exit. “I’m outta here.”

Kim Jong Il walked into the nuclear test room with his extra poofy hair adding nearly two feet to his height. “Now I tall! Everyone fear me! With big nukey boom boom, everyone will fear my dong as well! Dong! Dong! Dong!”

“Stop saying ‘dong’, and we’ll start the new test,” the aide said.

Jong rubbed his grubby little hands together. “Yes! Now we will have big nukey boom boom!”

Suddenly, there was lots of clawing and screeching all around them.

“What is that?” Jong demanded. Then his face went white with terror. “Someone protect my dong!”

“We need a plan of action!” Bush exclaimed.

“We’re going to send in all our available Marines and take out that freak Kim Jong Il,” Rumsfeld said. “Buck the Marine, you ready?”

Buck looked around. “Uh… where are the other Marines?”

“You’re the only one available.” Rumsfeld said. “So get ready to go into North Korea, kill Kim Jong Il, and set off all the nuclear bombs.”

“You might want to run away before they go off,” Bush suggested. “Oh, and one more thing, on your way out, head through South Korea and then get some surveillance of their animators. I want to get a special preview of the upcoming Simpsons movie!”

“Uh… while I appreciate that you have such confidence in me to keep sending me on these solo missions,” Buck said, “my training really is more squad based… you know, where there a group of us looking out for each other’s back.”

“That sounds like whining!” Bush yelled. “And how many wars did whining ever win?”

“There was this French one–”

“No wars! I was in the Vietnam War, and, because of all the whining, we lost that one!”

“I thought you were in the States for that?”

Bush pounded his desk. “And no part of the U.S. fell to the Vietnamese! Now, you go invade North Korea and don’t whine about it!”

Condi ran into the room. “Something weird has happened! The North Koreans were going to do another test, but something stopped them. And then we got this tape!”

“You can’t fool me!” Bush said, pointing at what was in Condi’s hand. “That’s a DVD!”

“Whatever.” Condi put in the DVD player.

“Will it have 5.1 surround sound?” Bush asked.

“I don’t know!” Condi hit play.

On screen was a monkey jumping around and screeching. “Yay! This movie has a monkey!” Bush laughed and clapped his hands. “Movie funny!” He then noticed something. “What’s that behind the monkey?”

“It’s a North Korean nuclear weapon!” Condi exclaimed.

“Oh no!” Bush yelled as he stared at the now very threatening monkey who was screeching and pointing at the screen. “The monkeys have the bomb!” He put his head in his hands. “I’m the worst President ever.”

Condi patted him on the back. “Pretty much.”
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