Since you all turn to IMAO for important news and analysis, I thought it was important that I give you a guide to competitive races in the upcoming election, summarizing the important issues at play in those campaigns. Let’s take a look at some of the Senate races, which, as it is, seem to rotate around the subject of race:
Virginia: In the race between George Allen and James Webb, it will probably come down to who used the n-word in the least times and in the least offensive manner. It’s a known fact that both of them hate black people, so the important thing to voters is to pick the one least likely to openly lynch someone. Also, another issue that’s come up is whether putting a child’s penis in your mouth is sexual or not, but that comes up once every election cycle and I wouldn’t expect the matter to be solved now.
Tennessee: Bob Corker should be able to beat Harold Ford Jr. as long as he can keep reminding the public that Ford is black. As we all know, most Republicans are racists, but it seems that some of those racists are being worn over by Ford’s charm and forget that he’s black. Using a clever stratagem, Coker has used jungle drums to put coded messages in his ads to remind people that Ford is black, snapping his racist base out of their trance so that they shout, “Wait a minute! Ford is black! I hate black people!” Rumor has it Corker will ask for a candidate’s race to be listed on the ballots to help these absent-minded racists.
Maryland: In the race between Michael Steele and Ben Cardin, Republicans face the opposite problem: They need to make an effort to keep their racist base from figuring out that Steele is black. Unfortunately, the Republicans were unable to find a qualified, non-negro to run for Senate, and thus hope was placed on Steele who tried to stick to radio ads so the Marylander Republicans wouldn’t find out his blackness. The cat is out of the bag, though, and so a new strategy is being deployed. In the latest ads, it emphasizes that, while most Republicans would be uncomfortable with Steele walking behind them at night, he’ll still do well in D.C. where other, paler Republicans can keep a watch on him to make sure he doesn’t steal things.
Also, Michael J. Fox has caused trouble for Steele and other Republicans by appearing in ads and using voter sympathy to elect Democrats. The initial Republican response led by Rush Limbaugh was quite idiotic, but now Republicans are in a search for someone even shakier and more pathetic looking than Michael J. Fox to counter those ads as that is the only way to intelligently debate stem cell research.
Archive of entries posted on 30th October 2006
Fox News
Michael J. Fox Fires Back at Critics
Of course, he wasn’t able to HIT any of them.
Do they even bother to think when they write these headlines?
A Religious War Would Be a Great Step Towards Ending Racism
An Editorial by Frank J.
Despite many advances in race relations (even I no longer think all Mexicans are lazy), there is still a long way to go until everyone of every race are treated as equals. So, how can we begin down that path of true racial equality? I think the answer is quite obvious: A bloody religious war.
“We’ll have the white man, the black man, the china man, and the wetbacks all fighting side by side against the dreaded Moslem enemy.”
Religion is a great reason for war, as its something people feel strongly about that isn’t associated with just a particular race. And what religion to war against? Obviously, the Muslims… or, to get into the spirit, our “dreaded Muslim enemy” (or maybe “Moslem enemy” if that spelling looks more threatening). Those Moslems would be more than happy to have a religious war, so we shouldn’t feel like we’re inconveniencing them to put them in one. To get started, we just have to learn to hate all the Moslems proper, or, should I say, hate, the vile Moslems who thirst constantly for our blood (yeah, I’m liking the “Moslem” spelling).
You’re probably worrying about the death and destruction, but, remember: To make an omelet, you have to break a few eggs. Similarly, to end racial strife, we need an extremely bloody war in which millions will be killed. But focusing on the death is missing the point. In a war between Moslems and those who don’t follow the evil Mohammed (or maybe “Muhammad” because I think that’s more foreign-looking), who would make up the group out to destroy the blight of Islam? Why, all races, of course, as non-Moslems are of all races and most nationalities. Think of the beauty of it all when this war gets going: We’ll have the white man, the black man, the china man, and the wetbacks all fighting side by side against the dreaded Moslem enemy.
As for the Moslems we’ll slaughter, it will be a diverse group as well. Dying by our figurative sword (it will actually be assault rifles and bombs) will be Arabs, Asians, blacks, and even the occasional whitey. Everyone loves to kill whitey. Since the evil Muhammad invited all to join with him and Satan, we’ll have a pretty racially diverse enemy. Admittedly, it’s not quite as diverse as those who don’t follow the false prophet, but I think it’s a good enough group to slaughter for the purposes of racial healing.
Nothing brings people together like fighting for a common cause, and what better cause to unite all races of people together than ending the scourge of those vile, sub-human Moslems with their evil, scheming eyes? While people have held many different beliefs throughout the years, the one thing we all have in common is not being Moslem – except for those who are Moslem, and, together, we will fight them to the death. And recognizing our similarities as we send the dreaded Moslems to join Muhammad in hell will make us a people who can stand together whatever other differences we have. Now, some of you may say you’d be against a worldwide religious war because it’s senseless slaughter in which millions of innocent people would die, but maybe you should look into your heart and realize the reason you’re against slaughtering Moslems is because you hate black people.
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us. He is also the author of such books as “War: What Isn’t It Good For?” and “Ending Racism Through Sexism”.
Democrats in Charge #6
Today’s Simpsons Trivia
1) (T/F) Maggie hit Homer over the head with a mallet because she was influenced by watching an Itchy & Scratchy cartoon
2) Who learned medicine at The Hollywood Upstairs Medical School?
3) Who is the waiter at the Happy Sumo Japanese restaurant?
4) What body part of carny Cooder is not real?
Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.