Hey, kids! It’s Halloween, one of the funnest days of the year, and Uncle Frank J. has some great Halloween tips to make this day the super funnest ever!
IMAO HALLOWEEN TIPS
* You don’t have to spend a lot on costumes. One great costume for kids is to wear regular clothes and go as a midget. People are afraid of midgets.
* Remember to always travel in groups. If you run into a smaller group of kids, you can then beat them up and take their candy.
* Just because someone doesn’t answer the door, it doesn’t mean no one is home. Make sure to break a window and toss in a Molotov cocktail. If there is anyone in there, he’ll soon come out.
* You want to have a scary costume, because, when people are scared, they’re more likely to do what you say and give you candy. Remember: Nothing is scarier than a gun. If you brandish a gun, you won’t only get candy but also watches and jewelry. Also, using a gun you can get convenience stores to give you candy as well. EXTRA TIP: Instead of shouting “Trick or treat!” shout “Empty the registers!” for an extra surprise.
* Since you greet people with “Trick or treat!” if someone doesn’t give you a treat, you must trick him or otherwise you’re a liar whose word can never be trusted. Some traditional Halloween tricks are:
-Egging the house.
-TP’ing trees,
-Threatening loved ones.
* While lots of people have fun on Halloween, for me it’s just another long day of work followed by more work when I get home, thus the last thing I want is a bunch of kids constantly ringing my doorbell. So, stay away from my place as I have a big dog and I will have her bite you.
Have a fun, safe Halloween kids!
In Scotland and Ireland, Halloween is known as Oíche Shamhna or “the eve before Samhain”. Samhain marks one of the two great doorways of the Celtic year, for the Celts divided the year into two seasons:
the light and the dark, at Beltane on May 1st and Samhain on November 1st. The Celts believed that Samhain started the new year.
As an side note my brother Vincent is out of Iraq today (yay!) he did his time and is heading to his better half and little girl. I can’t think of a better way to start the new year.
so folks if you lift a glass to the new year lift one to my brother and remember the folks still fighting the good fight.
you all at IMAO I wish happy new year
bid you all peace love and understanding
Athbhliain faoi mhaise dhuit! (A prosperous new year to you!)
ceann rua
Some traditional Halloween tricks are:
Cattle mutilation,
Pistol whipping,
Arson.
And I still hate Halloween. You haven’t changed my mind on that one yet.
I was only ever in it for the candy as a child anyway.
Just thirty-five miles north of here, in San Francisco, the indigenous peoples celebrate Halloween by dressing in costume. The men wear business suits, and the women wear nice dresses. The other 364 days of the year, of course, the men wear nice dresses, and the women wear chain mail. There are many traditional rites celebrated by the colorful tribe, many of them involving plumbing snakes, gerbils, bullwhips, and a panoply of recreational drugs.
Are they still doing the “shit on fire in a paper bag” trick that we did as kids? That was always great for a laugh for the neighborhood grouch who didn’t pony up with the goods!
I was thinking about dressing up as Aquaman this year but then I thought about what that Islamic Shiek said about women that are raped because they are really asking for it because of how they dress and then I realized that I would be in for some serious “Bend Over Time” with no one to blame but myself–
Moonbunny has told me she will be too busy to celebrate Halloween this year as she’s been chosen to sacrifice her younger sibling to lord xenu as a recompense for destroying our blue state in a reign of calamity if the moonbats take over…
Those silly teens and their goofy cults…whatta ya gonna do?
Remember kids:
Crop circles can be lots of fun and profitable too, if you find a way to charge Lefties who want to come see them.
And just when I was thinking that IMAO wasn’t teaching children enough.
Ceann rua,
I’m not sure which is scarier: the celebration of Samhain or my attempts at pronouncing Irish! Tonight, I’m watching “Tales From the Gaeltacht, Part II,” followed by “Jaws IV — Fungi Does Dingle.”
Tommy the Towelhead, I say this with nothing but love: Irish/ Gaelic is like Klingon, but without the sharp blades (couldn’t dream of spelling bath let right). For thse playing at home,
Athbhliain faoi mhaise dhuit is pronounced :
ought-bleen fwee may-sheh dwit
bid you all peace, love and understanding
Ceann Rua
Another good sugestion for Holloween, kiddies…get a mask of Kerry, Pelosi, Clinton or Kennedy. Mark down which houses you visit where those answering the door say “Ohhhh…what an especialy bright child!” and give you a granola bar. Return later that night with a molotove cocktale, light it and throw it through their window. If you dress like a terrorist and claim to be a mullah from the “religion of peace” and get the same reaction, make sure you shoot them as well when they run out of the house engulfed in flames. This is called “Doing one’s civic duity.”
See! Halloween is usefull!
USSJimmyCarter…Sheesh! I haven’t heard of the old “doggy bag” trick in years!
Remember kids, torching cars is NEVER a good trick, unless you live in Detroit or Paris.