Uh-oh. It’s looking like the Mark Foley scandal could define this upcoming election. Then again, we still have almost all of October left, leaving time for new October surprises. Here’s what I think could happen:
POSSIBLE OCTOBER SURPRISES
* It is revealed which Democrat members of Congress are part of al Qaeda and shoot them on live television. Ted Kennedy dies screaming, “Allah akhbar!”
* All of the Republican Congress go into a closed door session. Later, only a few emerge covered in blood and announce, “The Republican party is now smaller but stronger.”
* Zawahiri is captured and he is forced to convert to Christianity on video while taking a new Christian name: Bob.
* Finally, the frozen body of Osama bin Laden that we all know Karl Rove has had hidden all this time is taken out and defrosted. It then staged of him being personally shot by President Bush as he supposedly invades a fund raiser.
* After a mysterious meeting between President Bush, Halliburton, Exxon, and OPEC, gas drops to $0.25 a gallon.
* A simultaneous invasion of Iran and France is launched. The two populations are switched. No notable change of attitude is noticed in either country.
* John Bolton mysteriously leaves in the middle of a U.N. Security Council. Seconds later, the entire building explodes. Numerous federal agencies claim responsibility.
* It is announced that the reason Kissinger has been meeting with the President is that Vietnam has been secretly invaded and is now under the control of the U.S., and thus the Vietnam War has been won (waiting them out then hitting them when they least expected it was Kissinger’s plan all along). Now, comparisons of Iraq to Vietnam means there will be a stunning victory when you least expect it.
What surprise do you think will happen in October? Write it in the comments and you’ll win IMAO Bonus Points if it comes true.
John McCain, John Warner, Lindsay Graham and Bill Frist all announce that they have switched parties and will caucus with the Democrats. Since none are up for re-election this year, Ned Lamont responds by removing his mask and revealing that he is, in fact, Kang, the one-eyed alien from The Simpsons
keith,
Don’t blame me; I voted for Kodos.
Bush will crank up his weather machine and have another wicked bad hurricane crash into the south, killing only Democrats. It will make it’s way north to DC, still killing only Democrats (and black people, since Bush hates black people). When it gets to DC, lightning bolts will strike Kerry, Kennedy, Nacy P., Dean, and all the other really crazy Democrat Senators dead at the same time.
Either that or he’ll resuce a kitty from a tree. A WHITE kitty.
Frank,
The first one is completely unbelievable. Everyone knows that Ted Kennedy will die screaming “Where are my pants?!”
Rick,
Or maybe, “My kingdom for some pants!”
The Democrats will stop making a big fuss about Mark Foley when it’s discovered that 37 Democratic members of congress are guilty of similar (or worse) offences. With nowhere else to turn, they’ll start whinning about Guantanamo and trying to talk down the economy again.
A mysterious video emerges, its grainy footage showing Bush at a barbecue with all of the 9-11 hijackers. You can clearly see the selected-not-elected president making swooping gestures with his hand followed by his expressive kablooie sound and hand gestistulation ,which spills ome of his beer. Menawhile the terrorists laugh uproariously and give Bush another beer. While the video easily fools everyone at CBS, AP, and al Reuters, it is revealed by a handful of eight year old kids that, “hey, you can see the rubber mask peeling off the fake president’s neck. And why is he talking with a Cape Cod accent? And why are there booze bubbles popping over his head?” and, “the terrorist guys look like the puppet from Team America! You can even see the strings!”
John Foley’s new book, “Between the Pages” (forward written by me) will become a bestseller prior to the elections.
Of course I meant Mark Foley, John is just another one of the many…. never mind. Buy the book!
A politician from the San Francisco Bay Area (your choice: Nancy Pelosi, Gavin Newsom, Ron Dellums, Barbara Boxer, Dianne Feinstein, etc.) will say something sensible. That may qualify as a miracle, rather than a surprise, however.
Now this is humor…
One concern though that’s not mentioned but I think would be obvious, is that if Kennedy was in fact to be struck by lightning. The ensuing blast and inferno, based on ratio of fat cells/alcohol level per lb, is I believe on a par with the bombs used in Afganistan, the Daisy Cutters, that level everything for at least a quarter mile or so.
Silicon Valley Jim –
I think we can safely say it WON’T be Barbara Boxer.
A decoder ring or some rub-on tattoos.
strange__guy –
That may be true in theory, but since there is a 98% chance that at the moment the lightning strikes him, he will also be driving a vehicle into a large body of water, I don’t think he will combust properly.
True, lightning striking Kennedy would be catastrophic to those around him. Maybe that’s why God hasn’t done it yet.
We should insulate him with other Democrats first. They’ll absorb the blast.
It will be announced that HoWeird (the Duck) Dean is secretly the Moslem Mahdi. The DemoCRAPs immediately surrender to him, and promptly name him their unanimous nominee for the next President, and Emperor for Life. He asks (S)Hillary Clinton to be his Vice, and she accepts until she discovers the position he has in mind is not Vice President. (S)Hillary Clinton promptly kills him for taking her (presumed) position as the head of the DemoCRAPic Party. She in turn is mobbed by KOSsacks who murder her as an Infidel.
Slick Willie comes out of the closet and explains his real reason for his cigar fetish. He moves in with Andrew Sullivan. Despite their invitation, (ex) Congressman Foley declines saying, “They are much too old fore me”.
Hugo Chavez has the biggest funeral pyre in history when rebels set fire to a refinery he is visiting with his new wife Cindy (Mama Moonbat) Sheehan.
That is only the beginning for the Left since:
· Human Caused Global Warming is refuted, and Al (B)Gore is shown to be a fraud.
· When Astrology is redefined as a religion, the entire Left abandons it, and it quietly passes as a fad that outlived itself.
· It is soon followed into oblivion by Transcendentalism, Crystals, Pyramids and Spirit Guides.
· Soon there are mass suicides among the Left since their remaining choices are all either Real Religions or real Science which none of them have actually studied.
Rick
I’m not sure that even a lage body of water would contain it, have you ever seen a fat fire? Sort of like when you have a bad steak and it sets the entire grill ablaze…
it’s ugly
In October I think Moonbunny’s Comics will become the next best read blog besides IMAO…
WHAT?!?!? It could happen.
(I know, shameless, shameless)
Congressman Foley will move to California and be the first republican ever to be elected mayor by the city of San Francisco. Ted Kennedy will pass away in a tragic fire that will take several days to put out, owing to the extreme flammability of his blood. Algore will finally get his wish and be changed into a real boy by Foley’s fairy godmother, Barney Frank (whose only limitation on being a real godmother is that he isn’t Catholic in good standing). A few minutes later, Algore will despirately try to rescind his wish.
Nancy Pelosi comes out from deep cover after being elected Speaker and admits that she is a Republican and she’s leaving her husband for a 16 year old congressional page.
Nice work Frank. I like #8 (the last). Suprise parties are always fun, especially when they involve lots of guns and hanging commie decorations. A giant “kegger” in the heart of Islam 25 years from now could be a hoot too (with Hooters girls serving the beer). “W” and Karl Rove could tap the first keg!
CBS learns that Jafar the Pilot had been working for Bush and Halliburton, after Jafar flew a C5 Galaxy filled with napalm into Michael Moore, in an attempt to eliminate the prominent icon of stupidness. Moore absorbed most of the explosive force of the massive missile, but complained later of “feeling a bit gassy.”
Despite missing the playoffs for the 24th consecutive year, the Milwaukee Brewers win the World Series. Well, either that or Ted Kennedy declares pants oppressive and starts attending Congress naked.
“Either that or he’ll resuce a kitty from a tree. A WHITE kitty.”
Only so he can put it on a bun with bernaise sauce
More October surprises:
President Bush decrees that all students will practice rushing any creep with a gun when he enters the classroom. The exercise is called, “Doing a Flight 93”.
Kick boxing for girls is offered in all PE classes
Not having to stand for re-election and having “seeded” the Supreme Court with his stooges, President Bush has every member of the Democratic Party arrested and sent to Guantanamo to be held as enemy combantants. John Roberts refuses cert. on all appeals and peace, prosperity and fuzzy bunnies spring forth on the land!
Having thrown all dems into prison, President Bush unleashes Speedy Gonzales to move quickly to nationalize any member of the press deemed an enemy of the state beginning with the NYT, LAT, CBS, NBC, ABC, CNN, Fox News is given a lifetime excemption…
A creepy woman from Africa will marry a billionaire republican senator, and when he mysteriously dies in a plane crash she’ll then marry a democratic senator who will himself have married for money and power before that point. In league with another billionaire who made his fortune ruining the currencies of several countries, and a lawyer who made his fortune on sham lawsuits, they’ll try to take over the US and suck up to anyone who wants to destroy the United States by giving them what they want – a destroyed United States.
Wait, sorry, that was the last election. One sec…
* A rap star going by Nasty Polosi is accidentally elected due to a misprint on the ballot.
* Ted Kennedy’s lightning/ fire/ drowning death is reenacted on nightly news programs by showing the climax from Spiderman 2 and replacing the octopus arms with Cathulu tenticles.
Nah… The teachers like the pilots will demand to be armed…
The Bush Administration will sack Rumsfeld and replace him with a newly back from the dead Curtis LeMay, who proceeds to bomb the entire middle east(minus Israel) back to whatever age was before the stone age.
Mark Foley, after getting out of rehab and his ten day prison sentence gets a large recording contract doing remakes of great 70’s hits such as “just another page on(against) the wall” and “turn the page”(over).
A female Senate page, claiming to have received “sicko” e-mails from New York’s junior senator, will depants Hillary on the Capitol steps during a press conference. CNN, broadcasting the scene live, will experience “technical difficulties” and cut to MLB highlights when the CNN Washington correspondent is heard to say, “Holy, Jeez, did you see the size of that pair of …”
Shortly after the Foley Page Scandal breaks, young female pages start getting unsolicited pages from someone called “BigWillie” offering them a cigar and some ice…
Al gore will admit that global warming is alie and will give up politics and get a job inflating hot air balloons with his own HOT AIR
Members Congress will grow a backbone and begin to do what their actually paid to do. They will become honest, hardworking and courageous….
Professors will stick to their subjects and teaching facts instead of hyperbole…
Newspapers will report on the truth and leave the editorializing on the Op Ed pages….
Hollyweird will stop making fun of and deriding the people who pay money to see their dreck….
Athletes and entertainment people will do their jobs and stop believing that their opinions matter more than everyone else’s….
No sorry, I nodded off. It must have been a dream. That’ll happen when pigs and libs come over to the dark side. Still one can dream.
October Surprise 2006: stolen butterfly ballots found in Sandy Berger’s pants. (They will probably be found by someone mistaking Berger for John Murtha and trying to shove bribe money into his pockets.)
October 31 – WASHINGTON – President Bush arrived today in his stretch limosine to the White House. Much to the suspcion of a watching crowd of NARAL/Greepeace activists, the limosine converted into a Superstar Destroyer.
President Bush took off his mask to reveal what Democrats suspected all along – indeed, he was the Emperor Palaptine bidding to conquer the universe under Republican (Galatic Empire) control. Karl Rove suddenly appears, only to be none other than Darth Vader.
The two shake hands, cackle loudly until Bush was thrown over the balcony by Karl Rove, the real genius behind the Empire. Rove promptly orders the killing of all Jedis (peace-loving Democrats who believe in violence only to promote equality and perpetual well-being).