As I finished my last pass through the The Chronicles of Dubya: Volume 1, I thought I’d clip a few more bits from it that made me laugh out loud (mainly jokes I had completely forgotten about). Also, John Hawkins has The Best Quotes From IMAO’s “In My World”. It was done some time ago, so I believe all those quotes will be in this book. This one goes up to the last IMW of 2003 which, incidentally, is about the capture of Saddam.
BTW, the cover image is inspire by “The Demoncrat” two-parter, which is one of my all-time favorites.
Enjoy while I get this ready to go to the printers. This is so going to be the funniest book ever ever…
“Governor Davis, you were supposed to get those bills signed,” the governor’s aide reminded him.
“I was going to,” Governor Gray Davis said, “but I broke my pen and forgot where my other pens are.”
“You are so incompetent!” the aide exclaimed. “You have to get things together before your disapproval rating gets any higher. People are actually moving here from other states just to hate you.”
“Is it really that bad?”
“Haven’t you been watching the news?”
“I was going to,” Davis said, “but I accidentally took the batteries out of the TV remote and couldn’t figure out how to put them back in.”
“Ah!” the aide exclaimed. “You are so incompetent!”
“I’m gonna cut me a ‘publican!” Gephardt yelled, pulling out a knife.
“Man, I love beer,” Buck the Marine said as he drank his domestic. “I don’t think there is anything I like more than beer… oh wait, killin’ for’ners. I like that better; doesn’t make me want to pee as much.”
“Let’s see,” Buck said as he looked through his pack, “got my knife for killin’, got my rifle for killin’, got my bullets for killin’, got my grenades for killin’, got my MREs so I can keep fed and kill, got my postcards to send home about my killin’, and I got my ballpoint pen to use to write about killin’, and, on the rare occasion, for killin’ itself. I guess I’m ready to be deployed.”
“Wow! You got a neat place here in Israel!” Bush exclaimed, playing around with things in Ariel Sharon’s office. “What’s this?”
“It’s an Uzi; don’t touch that!” Sharon chided him.
“So I hear you have a lot of Jews here in Israel. Is that true?”
“Well, back in 1947…”
“Hey, who’s this?” Bush called out.
“That’s a guy named Uzi; don’t touch him!”
“According to the Marine killin’ manual,” Buck answered, “when surrounded, you kill everyone… in a circle.”
“Your mother won’t stop criticizing me,” Laura said sternly.
“Well, maybe she has a point about you not being a very good wife,” Dubya offered.
Laura thought about that for a moment and then responded.
“Ahh! My groin! I need that from time to time!”
“Is this your maid?” Bush Sr. asked.
“No, she’s my National Security Advisor,” Dubya told him. “She’s really smart.”
“Having a black woman on your staff — that’s very forward-thinking of you, son,” Bush Sr. praised Dubya.
“You never told me you were black,” Dubya said to Condi with surprise.
“Don’t worry, I know how to talk to her, son,” Bush Sr. remarked. He then turned to Condi. “So what’s the dealio, sistah-girl?”
“Murder! Kill! Destroy!” Rumsfeld screamed.
“We haven’t asked a question yet,” said one reporter.
“If your questions are any good, that should have answered them.”
“Fair enough,” Bush answered, “but I will not rest until I find out who is behind this leak! Nothing will keep me from my goal! I swear on the name of my dear departed father that… hey, what’s this?” Bush picked up a newspaper. “General Wesley Clark is planning on going faster than the speed of light! If he beats us to that, we’ll lose the woman vote!”
Karl Rove emerged from the shadows. “I think you have become distracted by something shiny and are not making sense, President Bush.”
“I’m more than not making sense, Rover!” Bush declared. He turned to Condoleezza Rice. “How close are we to going faster than the speed of light?”
“According to our knowledgeable scientists,” Rice answered, “that’s impossible.”
“Then fire them and get me some unknowledgeable scientists!” Bush demanded, “We’ll show that Weasely Clark who can go warp speed!”
“Dah!” Arnold Schwarzenegger yelled as he picked up his desk and snapped it in two.
“You have to calm down,” President Bush told him. “You have to expect these kind of attacks from evil people like Gray Davis.”
“Women have boobies, and I like to touch them!” Arnold shouted. “Why is that wrong?”
“Hey, I don’t make the laws,” Bush said defensively but then thought for a moment. “Well, I do sign them.”
“Hey kids, I’d love to do my imitation again, but it ain’t good for my equipment.”
“Please, big American!” the Iraqi kids pleaded.
“Well, alright,” Buck the Marine said. He then dropped his rifle, raised his hands, and shouted, “J’ai une odeur comme le fromage!”
“Well, I welcome any Democrat to the debate,” Senator Joe Lieberman said, “but I’m not sure that eternal darkness is the direction we want to take the country in.”
“Quiet, moderate fool!” O’Yama screeched, launching a fireball at Lieberman. It exploded the Senator right off the stage. “I will wreak death, vengeance, and a progressive agenda upon the world, and no one can stop me! And I have been a Democrat since before time began… unlike a certain General in our midst.”
“Hey! That’s a cheap shot!” Wesley Clark protested.
The screen then showed O’Yama, his eyes glowing red with evil, giving a speech before a crowd of reporters. “When I am president, the oceans will boil, the cities will be destroyed in fire, and there will be universal health care!”
“What?!” Bush exclaimed as he watched the television. “A universal health care plan could be harmful!”
“Are you sure that’s a wise decision?” Scott asked.
Bush rolled his eyes. “When was the last time I made a wise decision?”
Bush raised his sword into the air. “By the power of Grayskull… I… have… the… POWER!!”
“I don’t think it works that way,” Scott McClellan commented.
“Maybe it works this way,” Bush said and then smacked Scott in the face with the flat of the sword.
“Ow!” Scott yelled. “Why do you keep doing that?”
Bush rolled his eyes. “Because you yelping in pain is funny; do I need to write you a thesis or something?”
Scott gave a forced chuckled. “Why is it every time Bush disappears without notice for a few days it’s assumed he’s on some ‘mystic quest’?”
“People are saying he’s gained a legendary sword in Japan that will help him slay the Democratic presidential hopeful O’Yama, Eater of Souls,” said another reporter.
“How can you jump to conclusions like that?” Scott responded. “How do you know he didn’t go to India to get a magic spear to slay John Edwards?”
“Long I have waited in the void, dreaming up the destruction of the world and progressive policies that will curb the might of corporations. When elected, I will bring death, misery, and increased pay for teachers. Finally, the streets will run red with blood, evil will rule the day, and there will be an affordable prescription drug plan for the masses. Fire and lava will consume the land, all with the multilateral support of the U.N. And, not only will I undo the ruinous policies of George W. Bush, I WILL EAT HIS SOUL!”
Suddenly a giant figure crashed through the roof. “Oh no,” Gephardt squealed, “it’s God, and He looks wrathful!”
“Bush will be president, for I have said so!” God announced, “and thus Democrats must be smoten!” Lightning and fireballs flew at all the Democrats. “Kill! Maim! Destroy! Make alive no longer!” God shouted while laughing maniacally.
“Religious extremist!” shouted a Democrat just before exploding into flames.
“Don’t you think God is being a little harsh?” asked another reporter. “When terrorists pleaded to Him for mercy, He said He didn’t understand their language and then crushed them under His foot.”
“The glory of God is a mystery to all,” Bush explained, “and thus he can be both omniscient and only speak and understand English.”
“The only thing that makes me a little worried is your ability to control hoofed mammals I keep hearing about,” Bush answered.
“The term ‘Dear Leader’ is meant to be affectionate,” Rove whispered in Bush’s ear, “it’s not meant to imply that he can command deer.”
“You will negotiate with me!” Kim demanded. “You will sign a non-aggression treaty!”
“But I like aggression!” Bush responded. “You’re an evil, murderous dictator, and you better watch it or you’re going to end up like Saddam and Osama — successfully hiding from us while occasionally sending out videotapes.”
Kim smiled. “I like to be on TV!”
“You better like it!”
“We traced the leaks of my memos back to the White House,” Rumsfeld responded as Chomps finished consuming the door.
“Well, I didn’t have anything to do with it,” Bush said. “I never even see your memos. I have some aides summarize all memos sent to me. Then I have another aide summarize all those summaries together. And then I don’t read that.”
“Deadly ninja assassin?!” Bush exclaimed. “That’s the worst kind of ninja assassin!”
“Hi. I’m from the New York Times. I was wondering what you have to say about your colossal failure in Iraq due to your poor planning.”
“I don’t have time to talk about that! A ninja is chasing me!” Bush said and then continued running.
“Ooh, I already have the headline,” the reporter said, scribbling in his notepad, “‘Bush Runs from War Record, Ninja.'”
“So how do you like my draft for the constitution?”
“It’s pretty good,” one of the council said, “but I think it could do without all the swearing and the explicit sex scene.”
“Fine, be a bunch of prudes,” Condi sighed.
“Melinda Hawkish from FOX News,” spoke up Melinda. “I just wanted to ask exactly how dumb are the people who keep electing you?”
“No specific studies have been done,” Rangel answered, “but my constituents are, for the most part, quite moronic. I would like to remind everyone, though, that in a democracy, even the stupid deserve representation, and who better to represent the nigh-retarded than me?”
Melinda thought about that for a moment. “Well, that shut me up.”
Steve Irwin: Hey, everybody, it’s great to be here.
Steve: So are crocodiles as dumb as terrorists?
Irwin: No, they can be quite wily. You have to be careful when you deal with those crocs.
Brian: Now, you take quite a different approach to nature shows. Most before you only watched the animals from a distance and didn’t disturb them, but you like to run up and tackle the animals and shake them around.
Irwin: You learn a lot about an animal by pissing it off.
E.D.: Do you ever get scared about being injured?
Irwin: No, because I have a special medical condition where I lack all common sense.
Steve: Sounds like you could be a liberal.
Irwin: Crikey! I hope not.
Steve: Now this next guy looks less threatening.
Irwin: He can be a nasty little bugger, though. He’s a ring-tailed lemur.
E.D.: And what’s the significance of the rings on his tail?
Irwin: I don’t know. But if I grab him by the tail and swing him over my head thusly…
Brian: Wow! You’re really spinning that rodent around!
Irwin: Actually, it’s a monkey. Now you can hear its squeal changing as it becomes angrier and angrier. Now I’ll stop spinning him and set him down…
E.D.: He’s just staring at you.
Irwin: That’s the extremely rare lemur stare of death. Right now he’s just absorbing how angry he is, but soon… Crikey! He’s trying to kill me now! Isn’t he beautiful?
Steve: He’s really trying to claw and bite you. I’ve never seen a monkey that angry before.
E.D.: I have.
E.D.: It looks like that calmed him down… or at least made him less angry. Now, you’re going to host a FOX special, aren’t you?
Irwin: Yes, we’re going to find out what is the world’s angriest animal, and Chomps here is one of the contestants. The others are Razor, the Eternally Agitated Wolverine, Squeakers, the Schizophrenic Tiger, Rumsfeld, the Enraged Secretary of Defense, and Wally, the Murderous Sloth.
Brian: Murderous sloth?
Irwin: Very slow to move, but very quick to anger.
I haven’t seen that much blood splattered on a window in New York since Dinkins was mayor.
“So the governor of California is invading us, eh?”
“Yeah, what’s that all aboot, eh?”
“I dunno, but he just blew up the local gas station, eh.”
“Maybe we should do something, eh?”
“I think we should hide… I’m so scared right now I almost forgot to say ‘eh’.”
“Who is the mysterious protestor sniper?” Bush said to himself as he aimed his rifle. “Know one knows, for he strikes deadly and quietly.”
“Are you sniping people again?” Laura Bush asked angrily.
“Just with rubber bullets,” Bush answered defensively.
Laura picked up some of the bullets. “These look like copper-tipped.”
“Uh… copper is a type of rubber.”
Bush found his wife washing dishes in the kitchen. “Quick, Laura,” Bush yelled, “I’m negotiating the Medicaid bill, and I need my shotgun.”
“It’s the Medicare bill, dear,” Laura corrected him, “and you’d know where your shotgun is if you’d put it back on the shotgun rack after using it.”
“Tell us all about America, Mr. President man,” said one of the children.
Bush sat down among the kids as Buck watched, and KÙtÙichi kept listening for the ocean. “In America, everyone is happy,” Bush told the kids, “and the streets are paved with gold. And the kids get all the candy they ever want.”
“Can we come to America some day?” one of the kids asked.
“No,” Bush answered sharply, “we already have enough immigrants.”
“Will Iraq be as great as America one day?” inquired another kid.
Bush just laughed. “You’ll be lucky if your country isn’t torn apart by religious extremists.”
“How did you find out about this meeting, anyway?” Condi asked.
“Well, we found this Muslim cleric who claimed to be blind,” Clancy explained, “so we held up a number of fingers, and he answered how many there were incorrectly. So his story held up… so far. But we didn’t trust him. So we roughed him up until he finally admitted he wasn’t blind. We then did the ‘how many fingers am I holding up’ test again, but he failed. Ends up he was lying about not being blind just to get us to stop beating him. Now we knew this guy didn’t have any scruples. So we took some jumper cables…”
“Is this story going somewhere?” Rumsfeld demanded angrily.
“To cut to the chase,” Clancy said, “we found a flyer for the meeting at the Safeway.”
“Yeah, and there’s a robotic World War II general out here,” Buck answered.
Bush came out of the cave. “Eisenhower?” he asked excitedly. He then saw the robot. “Aww… it’s just Robo-Patton.”
“Know who I blame, Mohammed?”
“I dunno, Mohammed; who do you blame?”
“The Jooos!”
“Me too! But know what? I know this guy from Pakistan who sometimes blames the Hindus.”
“What? Doesn’t he know about the Jooos?”
Rumsfeld entered the Oval Office, a solemn look on his face. “Mr. President, I want to warn you that first reports aren’t always accurate but…”
Bush jumped up, knocking over his desk in the process. “We caught Saddam, didn’t we?”
“We got the bastard!” Rumsfeld answered, smiling. “Found him hiding in a hole!”
“I always said we should look in holes!”
“What are your ties to Al Qaeda?”
“I tell you nothing, American pig dog!” Saddam shouted back boldly.
“Have you been leading the insurgents?”
“You will get no answers from me, American dog pig!” Saddam snarled.
“Where are your WMDs?”
“You will learn nothing from me, pig American dog!”
“If two cars are eighty miles apart and heading towards each other, one going 40 miles per hour and the other 50 miles per hour, how long until they pass?”
“I will never tell you, dog American pig!”
“We’ll see how strong your resolve is!” Bush yelled and then yanked on Saddam’s mustache.
“Okay! I talk!” Saddam screamed. “They pass each other in around fifty minutes!”
“Fifty three and a third minutes, you evil dictator!” Bush shouted. “But if you show me your work, I’ll give you partial credit!”
“Bah! I spit at your partial credit!”