I’m tired of these annual President Pardons The Turkey headlines.
I don’t want to turn on the news and see a president pardoning a turkey.
I don’t even want to see him pardon two turkeys.
This is a former Texas governor. He should never, ever offer clemency to the condemned.
I want to see Bush heft up an axe and bring it down on the neck of the turkey, killing that suck dead for his crimes against society.
Archive of entries posted on 22nd November 2006
Fun Facts About Rhode Island
While the IMAO podcast is still MIA, I’m going to keep posting the latest uncut Fun Facts About The 50 States – hopefully on a weekly schedule.
(continued in extended entry)
The First Thanksgiving
A group of Natives gather on a rocky cliff. Below they see a ship pulling up to shore. Even at this distance, they can see that these visitors are not from the local area.
Chief Killthebear looks at his Indians. “There goes the neighborhood.”
**
Captain James Seymour watches as his men drag the rowboat to the shore. He and his men look up to see a waiting squad of Native natives.
Captain: Oh, look. Valet parking.
**
Meanwhile back at the ship.
Chastity Smyth: We see the men have landed on shore and now they are greeting some of the locals.
Charity Smyth: Verily. This has been a painful and difficult cruise.
Chastity: Verily I say also. We lost many a people on this journey.
Charity: Yes, I don’t know why so many people refused to eat. We had plenty of food but they refused to touch any of it.
Chastity: Were they afraid of poisoning?
Charity: No, the Norwalk virus.
**
Captain Seymour looks at the group of Native natives.
Captain: Ensign Johnson, you are good with languages. Try to talk to them.
Ensign: Sure thing, Captain. (to natives) DO. ANY. OF. YOU. SPEAK. ENGLISH?
The natives look at each other in confusion.
Captain Seymour: It’s not working. Try speaking louder. It HAS to work. Look, here comes one of them now.
Esperanto: How are you? Welcome to our land. I assume you have your immigration paperwork?
**
Back at the ship.
Charity: I don’t think I’m ever going to take this kind of cruise again. It wasn’t at all what it was advertised.
Chastity: Verily. Screw Kathy Lee Gifford.
Charity: The entertainment was awful.
Chastity: Yeah. That was the worst stand up comedian every. He spent the whole journey uttering racial slurs.
Charity: Really sad. He was so good on Seinfeld.
**
Esperanto: I speak all the languages of the world.
Ensign: Muy Bueno!!
Esperanto: Say what?
Today’s Simpsons Trivia
1) Which one of Homer’s friends is almost always tipsy?
2) What kind of beer does Homer drink?
3) Which Simpson character says he can’t commit to a relationship?
4) What’s Krusty’s street address?
Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.