“A chicken in every pot, a bullet in every terrorist.”
That’s the focus of this new agenda (except replace “chicken” with “nachos and beer”). All the terrorists should be dead while at the same time we’re well off enough in American to have all the nachos and beer we want. That’s the future I see for America. I have a plan that will bring happiness to Americans while bringing unhappiness to America’s enemies. My hope is that, with your support, the Republican Party will adopt this exciting new agenda as their new platform.
There are many issues facing us now, and I have just as many solutions if not more. Let’s start with the biggest issue: Iraq.
Before I give my solution for Iraq, I should explain my philosophy on the military. It starts with this:
The core values of the US military are fear, death, and destruction.
Anything that tries to wussify the military is destructive. We should not expect other countries to welcome our troops with open arms; we should expect citizens of any sane country to scream and run in terror at our approach. Our troops should be seen as demon-gods – vessels of pure destruction who know not mercy. When our troops appear in a country, the shout of “Americans!” should always be preceded with the shout of “Holy @#$%!” The enemy must know that our troops show no mercy and cannot be dissuaded and attacking us is always the absolute dumbest idea ever.
To move towards this new paradigm for the military, some changes are small. For instance:
Secretary of Defense will be named back to Secretary of War.
Changing the name of the Secretary of War to Secretary of Defense is just a step away from naming the position Secretary of Peace. It was done to make America look more peaceful, and that is completely wrong-headed. It is not what we want to project to other countries. What we want to project to other countries is:
America is a nation that loves war and only obedience to our will can stave off your destruction.
This is will only be partially true, but we want all countries to believe it.
Another way to get rid of the “nice military” image is:
Collateral damage will no longer be a factor in making military decisions.
If you don’t want to die, get out of our way. Women and children make poor shields, as most of our artillery can go right through them.
Yes, killing innocent people is awful, but giving the enemy the idea that there is some way to slow down our destructive advanced towards them is even more awful as it only invites attacks and causes even more death in the end. This new policy may cause our troops to be called “baby killers,” but they can just respond to that with, “Yes, we kill babies – enemy babies.”
Some may think the troops may not like the new image of them being deadly killers, but actually what they hate are objectives that are more complex than “kill these people and blow this stuff up.” All our trying to be nice ultimately just puts a great burden and danger on our troops by restraining their ability to kill and destroy. That’s wrong. They deserve better.
The worst of it is this whole “nation building” idea. That’s gay. Since there are many patriotic, openly-gay Americans who want to be a part of our military, they can do the nation building since that’s so gay.
Back to the main subject, how do we handle Iraq since we’re already in the position of the “nice” military who helps other countries? Well, let’s look at the first rule of applying military might to a situation:
AMERICA NEVER LOSES WARS!
EVER!
I think the solution is simple: we set a timetable for withdrawal. When we leave, we will have won… one way or another.
Yes, I know that a timetable would just mean to the terrorists that they just have to hold on only that much longer before they can own the country, but not with the way we will announce our timetable:
“All American troops will be out of Iraq by the date we have set. If Iraq is a peaceful democracy, then we will declare victory. If it does not look like Iraq will be a peaceful democracy when we leave, then we will nuke it to hell and also declare victory.”
With this strategy, our troops will know the conflict will be over by a set date and that the war will be won no matter what.
Now, I know many of you would think it awful to nuke Iraq. I think it would be awful too. There are many great people there who just want a better life, which is why I don’t think we’ll have to nuke them. When we announce our timetable, they’ll be ripping terrorists limb from limb to bring peace to the country.
Of course, for this to work, people have to be convinced we will use nuclear weapons. For that, consult the Nuke the Moon strategy. It was written back in 2002, but it is even more relevant today and leads to this important point for the future:
The taboo against using nuclear weapons must be broken.
Nuclear weapons are useless to us if no believes we will actually use them. Of course, if any other country uses them for any purpose, they will be obliterated. You may think this is a double standard that we can use nuclear weapons and other can’t, but America has long held the belief that there are standards for us and different standard for smalle,r weaker countries.
Back to the Iraq situation, think of how different it would be if we used my timetable strategy on Vietnam. Instead of terrorists attacking us in Iraq hoping it will be another Vietnam, they would be fleeing for their lives fearing it would be another Vietnam.
So let’s get us a timetable and completely and utterly win the war in Iraq.
That’s the first part of the new agenda for America. There are many other parts to it, including more on the military (including more details on combat strategies for the future and troop benefits), foreign affairs, and the many domestic issues, but I’ll let you chew on this for now and put out more parts every day. I hope you will all be a part of this exciting new positive agenda for America and pass it on to those in charge so it can lead the Republicans to a great new victory in 2008.
Be honorable, ronin.
Nukes and Nachos. Sounds like a tasty radioactive plan. I’m IN!!
And I’m First!
If I could vote for you Frank, I would. 🙂
We need to get to the point that not only do feriners run in fear from US soldiers, but any US citizens. Thus, I propose that when FrankJ takes office, he immediately enacts the Mr. Shiny Executive Order, enabling all US citizens to carry 45’s anywhere in the world.
When I see a horde of terrorists running at the sight of a lone 9 year old girl with a PS2 in her hand, I know we will have won…
Frank, Can’t we name it “Secretary of Kill Shit and Break things” instead? I oh so hope to have that job.
I advocate even better, any time an American is killed overseas, a nuke arrives within 24 hours.
Then we can have the kind of world the Lefties claim they want-where an American can walk anywhere in the world unmolested!
Well, Frank, Rummy stepped down. I’d whole-heartedly support your ascendance.
Time to do away with all of these liberal ideas that “being nice” is going to win anything.
I’m on board with the plan, and if you’re endorsing it, then I’ll vote for you more frequently than dead people in Chicago.
I think it’s plain that this platform will require the elevation of the United States Marine Corps to the pre-eminent branch of our military. Fear, death and destruction are part of the Marine job description, and when you think about it, how much of a jump is it from “demon-gods” to “Devil Dogs”?
If you can read this post, thank a teacher. If you can read it in a free country, thank a Marine. Happy Birthday (a day early), Corps! Oo-rah!
And, .45 ACP notwithstanding, I am partial to the Sig Sauer P229 in the .40 flavor; any chance of an amendment to the Mr. Shiny Executive Order to cover each citizen’s prefered ordnance? Thanks –
1911 baby, 1911. >:)
Actually, I’m partial to MOAB for my preferred ordnance, but it’d be really tough to carry in a hip holster.
I am John Kerry and I’m reporting for duty! Haaaaa! You stoopid homo loser Republicans now have a cut-and-run President who has cut-and-run from his Secretary of Defense Mr. cut-and-run Rumsfeld. But then who can blame both of them for going weak in the knees after being bent over and having the election shoved so far up both of their butts by the American people on November 7th that we won’t be able to find again to vote for another 2 years–LOL–XOXOXO–Mwuahahahah!!! I John Kerry, a decorated war hero funny man extraordinaire, stand ready to answer my parties call and become the next POTUS and Commander in Chief of the loser homo stupid military! I scoff at you weaklings in the Republican Party that once had power but now are left with table crumbs and–well–whatever Barney wants to get your bills passed–if you know what I’m sayin–not that there’s anything wrong with that!
John Kerry
Holy Mother of Frack!
This is the most brilliant strategy ever. We need frankj as the new SecDef… er… SecWAR. I think WAR should always be capitalized, so they know we aren’t screwin around.
The Moon totally deserves that Nuke too.
Ah, MOAB. When you care enough to only send the very best.
That would be in keeping with one of my proposals:
“If you shoot at us from a mosque, it’s no longer a mosque; it’s a bunker. If you stockpile weapons there, it’s no longer a mosque; it’s an ammo dump. Either way, it’s a crater.”
Any objections?
“Either way, it’s a crater.”
Absofrickinlutely! Or another way to put it, why send a muslim to the moon? Bring the moon to the muslims. Well, at least a moonscape…
Are you insane?
Why are you putting our beer in a pot, Frank? Are you trying to pull some sort of Europeany warm-beer stunt on us?
Scared: are we insane? I think the point is to make it so that if the bad guys get the urge to attack us, THEY’D have to be insane. And I’d just as soon they were scared.
Oderint, dum metuant.
“The benefits of a classical education.” – Hans Gruber, “Die Hard”
This update owns.
When our troops appear in a country, the shout of “Americans!” should always be preceded with the shout of “Holy @#$%!”
I want to carve a statue in your honor, write a ballad praising you and offer up virgins!
Yes, war is hell… why stay there any longer than necessary.
In short, militaries exist to kill people and break things.
A military does bad things to bad people.
Let’s be proficient at it.
I agree! Bring back the Secretary of War.
Nuke the moon!!! NOOOOOOOOOK THEEEEEEEE FREAKIN MOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNN!!!!! Nuke all the moons all over the solar system! If they question our authority, just point to the rings of Saturn and say, “See that? That used to be a moon!” and glare menacingly at them. If they so much as pull their pants down to shit, we’ll nuke ’em ’cause they mooned us.
I agree with paperboy. Nuke everything! After we get done nuking every moon in the solar system let’s start with useless planets like pluto and mars! That should show them we mean business!
“A chicken in every pot, a bullet in every terrorist.”
As opposed to the Demoncat slogan, “Pot in every chicken and hugs for every terrorist.”
Frank, when will you be eligable to run for President? You have my vote and my sword, honorable ronin (not to mention the best First Lady ever)!
You have my support
And my axe.
The master has spoken and so it shall be done.
Damn if we have a SecWAR then I’ll go back in to the Army! Hell yah!! I already have had a tour of killing and breaking. But I kinda miss it.
God bless our military members and their families!
Hey — Nancy Pelosi has just explained the whole Iraq business for us: it’s “not a war to be won, but a situation to be solved.” So we can just rename the position Secretary of Situation Solution.
We’re doomed. But thank you, Frank, for the plan. I love it.
Religious intolerants, British, Spanish, Nazis and Japanese, Communists and now, who eats children for breakfast? Terrorists.
Your president and company are the real terrorists brainless idiots.
//And my axe.
Posted by: George guy on November 10, 2006 01:31 AM //
LOL! SPEWING COFFEE LOL!!!
Great plan. Lemme know when you’re 35. You’re good for a write in vote!
There is not one mention of putting me in charge of invading other countries ot steal their oil. In fact “oil” isn’t even mentioned. I am sorely disappointed Frank.
FIAR, I think that stealing oil comes in Part II (right, Frank??).
Then again we could get into the “Democratic” spirit & invade other countries to steal their wheatgrass, organic sorrel shoots, brown rice and tasty vegetarian lentil soup.
But the biggest commodity that we’ll see the Dems steal from other countries is natural, eco-friendly hemp. For medicinal use only, of course.
Frank,
You have competition now.
Have a nice day… If you can.
Frank,
I think that Timetables work really well, once we explain to them that it doubles as a countdown for when our patience has expired.