A group of Natives gather on a rocky cliff. Below they see a ship pulling up to shore. Even at this distance, they can see that these visitors are not from the local area.
Chief Killthebear looks at his Indians. “There goes the neighborhood.”
**
Captain James Seymour watches as his men drag the rowboat to the shore. He and his men look up to see a waiting squad of Native natives.
Captain: Oh, look. Valet parking.
**
Meanwhile back at the ship.
Chastity Smyth: We see the men have landed on shore and now they are greeting some of the locals.
Charity Smyth: Verily. This has been a painful and difficult cruise.
Chastity: Verily I say also. We lost many a people on this journey.
Charity: Yes, I don’t know why so many people refused to eat. We had plenty of food but they refused to touch any of it.
Chastity: Were they afraid of poisoning?
Charity: No, the Norwalk virus.
**
Captain Seymour looks at the group of Native natives.
Captain: Ensign Johnson, you are good with languages. Try to talk to them.
Ensign: Sure thing, Captain. (to natives) DO. ANY. OF. YOU. SPEAK. ENGLISH?
The natives look at each other in confusion.
Captain Seymour: It’s not working. Try speaking louder. It HAS to work. Look, here comes one of them now.
Esperanto: How are you? Welcome to our land. I assume you have your immigration paperwork?
**
Back at the ship.
Charity: I don’t think I’m ever going to take this kind of cruise again. It wasn’t at all what it was advertised.
Chastity: Verily. Screw Kathy Lee Gifford.
Charity: The entertainment was awful.
Chastity: Yeah. That was the worst stand up comedian every. He spent the whole journey uttering racial slurs.
Charity: Really sad. He was so good on Seinfeld.
**
Esperanto: I speak all the languages of the world.
Ensign: Muy Bueno!!
Esperanto: Say what?
**
At the main tepee headquarters. 14th floor.
Chief Killthebear: These white men could threaten our way of life. Could they exterminate us? If so, what is to become of the great tribes like the Wild Deuces, the Holdums, and the Loosestslots Intaun? What do you think Strangletheelk
Strangletheelkl: I understand your feelings, Chief. But they appear to want to do the work that other Indians don’t want to do. Like our no good lazy cousin sitting here doing nothing.
Choketheweasel: Whatever. I’ll get to it when I get the chance.
**
Captain: What do you mean by Immigration Paperwork?
Esperanto: Just kidding about that. We believe the land belongs to all of us!
Captain: What do you mean by us?
Esperanto: We will help you get settled here and create a new life. Where would you like to build living structures?
Captain: Someplace on a hill and away from all the riff raff. No offense.
Esperanto: Fine, we will take you someplace and let you start to unpack your things.
**
At the tepee HQ
Chief Killthebear: Maybe this will be a good thing. Immigration is good, right? How many of them could there be?
**
Esperanto: We left you here just 15 minutes ago. What happened to all your things?
Captain Seymour: No panic. A guy named Tonto came here riding along with a masked man. They volunteered to help us with all of our valuables. Don’t worry, they said they’d be back to get us
Ensign: And our little dog, too. Which is odd, because we didn’t bring any dogs.
**
Eventually the chief helped the new arrivals find their stolen possessions. In time, they grew to become friends and held a celebratory celebration to celebrate.
Captain Seymour: What a hearty and wonderful celebration. Thank you for bringing some food. What is it?
Esperanto: I brought a green bean dish with crunchy French onions. Old family recipe that’s been guarded for years and will always remain top secret. Meet my family. These are my children: Dances with Bears, Dances with Wolves, and Megan.
Captain: What an unusual choice of names–
Esperanto: I think so too, but Megan’s an old family name.
**
Chief Killthebear: That was a wonderful celebration. I’ve never eaten that much in my life. Now it’s time to sit back and watch the Lions and the Bears fight it out!
Captain: Verily. Sounds like fun, I love football.
Chief: What do you mean football?
**
This story was completely and entirely true. Should you disagree with it, that would mean you are part of some right wing attack machine. Or left wing. I’m not sure.
🙂
Happy Thanksgiving
“If so, what is to become of the great tribes like the Wild Deuces, the Holdums, and the Loosestslots Intaun?”
Awful. Truly, truly awful. But all true. Every word. Verily.
Oooh, Esperanto jokes!!!
This historical revisionism stuff has all sorts of possibilities. I like it!
The next installment is: Bob Woodward’s last stand at the Little Big Horn.
The entire staff of the Washington Post plays the doomed Seventh Cavalry and Woodward plays the lead in a reenactment of Custer’s last stand. Chief HavaSubpoena of the Deep Throat Indian Tribe massacres Woodward’s entire contingent after some sort of ridiculous legal dispute.
The story is told through the lone survivor, a horse. I’m thinkin’ a certain filly who used to work for UPI would be good as the horse.
Any Ideas?
Sooo… do you have a “players card”, or do you have cash? We accept all major credit cards & apologies from European descendants, but we do prefer the cards. Not that we’re oppourtunistic or anything…”
That was awesome! I like that much better than the white guilt story so many people are telling over the turkey today. Now where is Spacemonkey’s gravy review?!
Outstanding Ducky. It’s eerie. It’s like you were there or something.
Happy Thanksgiving.