People are resigning from the Bush administration, and thus President Bush needs to find replacements. Here are some of my ideas:
Mr. T: Mr. T is always a good choice for everything because he’s a choice that will make you look tough since he’s tough. In fact, if you look up “tough” in the dictionary, you’ll find a picture of Mr. T staring at you with pity for being such a fool that you had to look up “tough” in the dictionary. Plus, I believe Mr. T is a minority of some sort, which gives you 2X point multiplier in the game of politics, drastically increasing your progress towards earning an extra life.
One of Those Aliens that Screech as They Jump and Latch onto Your Face: If you knew President Bush has one of those aliens things that jumps on people’s faces in his cabinet, you’d probably leave him alone. This is a good appointment if President Bush just doesn’t want to be bothered during his last two years.
A Robot: It will inevitably happen one day, so why doesn’t President Bush be the first to appoint a robot to a political office. Of course, AI isn’t really that great for robots yet, but it doesn’t take complex programming for a robot to fulfill the functions of a political office. If you had a robot Ambassador to the UN, for instance, when it was going to a UN conference, all you would have to do is program it to kill whoever is talking and it would make a very effective American ambassador. That programming would also work for press conferences.
Rumsfeld with a Fake Mustache: “It’s not Donald Rumsfeld. It’s… uh… Ronald Dumsfeld! Yeah! That’s the ticket!”
Frank J.: People are always saying, “Hey, Frank, you like to tell politicians what they should do, yet you’re not willing to become one yourself. You’re a chickenhawk!” Fine, I’ll put my hat in the ring to become a politician. I’ll allow President Bush to appoint me to some position on a few conditions. First, I shouldn’t have to move to D.C. for it. I’ve lived in Maryland before, and I didn’t like it. I don’t see any reason in this day and age I can’t just do my work at home at my own computer. Second, I shouldn’t hear any complaints if I spend a lot of time blogging; that’s how I think. Finally, the pay better be right. I’m not a charity worker. You want me to save the country, you better be willing to put up some big bucks for it. If the President does meet these conditions, he will get the smartest man available who can solve absolutely any problem that comes before him as long as you never take nukes off the table.

IMAO has suffered a loss. Unfortunately, Spacemonkey’s Papaw (grandfather) recently passed away.
Lair lost a cat. It’s name was Piper. I would offer condolences, but it’s a cat. Buy another one, dammit! They sell them everywhere. Except for the fur patterns, they all look pretty much alike and all of them do absolutely nothing.
Spacemonkey’s grandpa was a good man, who worked hard his whole life to raise a good family and pass on the values that make Spacemonkey the monkey (or man) that he is today. A result of the love, hard work, praise, correction, and love of God that perfuses the Spacemonkey family to this day.
My condolences go out to Spacemonkey and his family in this time of heartache.
Lair, you know I love you like the Jewish brother I never had. If you need a new cat, I can mail one to you.
Spacemonkey, call me when you get the chance.

How I envision John Bolton’s last day: Suddenly, the UN headquarters turns into an inferno, and the only figure to emerge from it’s rubble is John Bolton with a blood-stained ‘stache.
And thereafter he shall only be talked about in the world community in hushed whispers, for all now and evermore will…

Continue reading ‘Problem Solved’ »

I quickly hacked out a little thesis for the new direction of the military Friday (it was originally only going to be one or two paragraphs but then I just kept feeling like adding to it). It got a surprising reaction for something I wrote so quickly which I guess is just because people want simple answers to complex problems. I wasn’t looking for a simple answer, though; I was just trying to come up with what can we realistically do militarily knowing a good portion of the American populace likes to whine.
Whining while the conflict is on helps the enemy because they think we’ll give up, but whining after we devastate the enemy gives the enemy no comfort. So, the simple solution is to destroy all we can and leave. There will be lots of whining about how we left so many people dead and homes in ruins, but, with the troops out of the way, the whining no longer works as a weapon in support of the enemy. Right now, they think we’ll go in, occupy, and then leave with our tail between our legs because we’re weak-willed. If we just destroy tons of stuff and then head home without worry about how we left things, the enemy is not going to keep attacking us thinking, Sure, we’ll all get slaughtered by the Americans, but then pundits will chastise them for months afterwards and they’ll fell really bad about it – thus the last laugh will be ours!
Remember: These people will try to make a victory out of any of our stumbles no matter how ridiculous (Osama thinks he won the Cold War), but even they can’t turn us feeling bad about slaughtering their people into a success.
Now, I’d love to help the people of the Middle East have freedom and democracy, but I just don’t think that’s realistic because of the whiners. Because so many Americans are going to whine if we try to stay and fix things, we’ll just have to settle on devastation with no rebuilding. The only way to combat the whine is to do quick, destructive military operations and get out before the whine can start in full force, leaving many innocent foreigners dead and dying. Because liberals whine, innocent people are going to have to suffer and die. I’d like to think we could get things done even with the whining, but Iraq seems to show that not to be true. The whining keeps making the enemy think we will give up and leave, so they keep attacking.
So, if we don’t want to adopt a much harsher military strategy that will leave all other countries in ruins, should we shoot the whiners? I dunno. I really wonder how they were dealt with back in the day. My guess was that during the turn of the century conditions were so harsh that many of the future whiners died of whooping cough or something before they were old enough to properly undermine our country. Then again, maybe there were a lot of whiners during WWII. I mean, we were bombed by the Japanese, yet we lost thousands and thousands fighting the Germans. Are you telling me there were no sissies whining about that? Well, I guess I could look up evidence on that, but I like anecdotal evidence even better, so I’ll call my Grandma and ask about it tonight. Even though she wasn’t in the military, she worked hard for the war effort and even risked her life. If someone were to call her a “chickenhawk” for wanting a war with the Nazis, I’d punch that guy so hard in his nads that no existing medical science would be able to help him have kids.
That’s one hard nad punch!
If you have living resources to consult as well, ask about the whiners of WWII. Hopefully the wisdom of the greatest generation will help us deal with the idiots of our day.

I want a Nintendo Wii. Where are they? Why don’t videogame makers like making enough videogame systems anymore? Are they forgetting the supply part of supply and demand?
Anyway, I’m like an influential blogger; I should get a Nintendo Wii so I’ll talk about it on my blog. Actually, how does one become an official videogame reviewer, as those guys seem to get everything early?
Anyhoo, if you see a Nintendo Wii, buy it, and don’t feel like selling it for a thousand bucks on eBay, you can send it to me and I’ll be forever grateful… or at least grateful until the next must have system comes out.

Cadet Happy’s photoshop duel with Sadly, No! continues, this time Gavin M. making this round about remixing Chris Muir’s Day by Day comic. Lefties really hate that comic because of its frank depiction of sexuality.
One of the dulers has a comic up (this time we’re not saying who made what), and Gavin M. went ahead and posted it. I’ll wait until I have both to put them up here. And one more thing…
MORTAL KOMBAT!
(someone have the sound clip so I can complete the effect?)

John Hawkins is restarting Conservative Grapevine, a site devoted to daily links. He explains here how you can help submit said links. Check it out.
John Hawkins also rented and really really hated Superman Returns. While I found the movie way too touchy-feely and lacking in action, I think Hawkins’s criticism is a bit unfair. For one, the making fun of the glasses disguise for Superman/Clark Kent is something people have been doing forever, and you if you can’t just give that a pass because that’s part of Superman’s history, then you’re setting yourself up to not like the film.
I was once curious on how people could explain why that disguise would ever work, so I turned to the one place you would count on for lengthy discussions of every aspect of every comic book character: Wikipedia! I think the best explanation of why people wouldn’t immediately realize that Clark Kent is Superman is that no one would think that Superman has an alter ego. If you had god-like powers, why in the world would you waste anytime posing as a milquetoast newspaper reporter?

We’ve had two deaths in the family at IMAO. spacemonkey’s Papaw passed away this weekend. and Lair’s Piper died last night. 🙁