The holiday season is here and I’m sure many of you are stressing out over finding just the right gifts. (Hint: Dr. Duck always prefers cash.)
Well, never fear, Dr. Duck is here to provide the one thing you need most in life – answers.
That’s right. I’ve got answers coming out my ears. My doctors said that they would heal up nicely in the next few days, but in the meantime, you can take advantage of those answers.
So what’s on your mind?
Holidays? Christmas? Hannaka? Kwanzaa?
Dr. Duck is here and ready to help. The answers are free *.
* Disclaimer: Initial out the door price is $249.00 before rebates.Free after $100 almost instant rebate, $100 mail in rebate, $40 Email in rebate, and $9 Buy Frank’s Stupid Book Bundle Rebate. See – it’s really FREE!! I know i’ve written about this before but why do I have to get REBATES to save money? What if they said, “Dr. Duck, that will be $249.00 please.” And I said, “Sure, here my $10 this is the before Rebates from ME. I’ll pay ten bucks now and later, you’ll get the rest of your money, thereby completing the transaction. Keep this receipt/IOU because you’ll get your money in 6 to 8 weeks.” Sure, they’d have a cow, but if I have to wait six weeks for MY money, i’m supposed to be GRATEFUL? SCREW YOU!
Oh, and Merry Christmas.
Dear Dr. Duck,
With the recent press outrage over Laura Bush “hiding” her recent minor surgery, should the policy be adjusted to have daily briefings on the First Family’s medical status, up to and including frequency and consistency of bathroom leavings? Or should they lighten the hell up and try some real journalism for a change? Why are they so stoopid?
Merry Christmas?
Dear Dr. Duck,
Would you explain the relationship between Kazaa and Kwanzaa for me? I know there has to be some sort of conspiratorial connection.
Dearest Mr. Duck,
I would like to send the staff of the New York Crimes (oh sorry I meant Times) a HanaChristKawnsa Present.
Any ideas?
(Keep it clean, please. There are grandmothers in the audience.)
*I was thinking about “A Clue” but it’s really hard to wrap and I don’t think the post office will deliver it.
*A spine would be nice but I’m using mine and I don’t know anybody who’d be willing to donate. (Any Lib could do so, as they’re not using theirs anyway. The problem there is they probably couldn’t find it with both hands, binoculars, a bevy of St. Bernards, ushers, and NORAD.)
*There is the ever popular “Window on Reality” but they’d probably think it’s a horror movie and hurt themselves trying to turn it off.
Oh well, there’s always Aunt Ptomaine’s Christmas Fruitcake…. wait is that made with lard, dang.
Mr. Duck (PhD.):
What the hell is Kwanzaa? Was it made up in the late 1960s by a black radical with close ties to the Communist Party? Are the seven platforms of Kwanzaa really just communist propoganda? Is it true that the Kwanzaa candle thingy is really just a menorah that broke when someone was stealing it from a Joooo?
Dear Dr. Duck,
Considering that I won’t be internet capable from early tomorrow until Tuesday, should I ask you a question? Further, if I do ask you one, will you answer it?
Thanks.
Dear Doc Duck,
Which of the Winter Solstice holidays (Christmas, Chanukah or Kwanzaa) includes killing Arab children as part of their celebration? Because that’s the one I want to partake in. If none of these fits that bill, what are the steps I would need to take to create a holiday that would allow this?
Also, do any of these holidays allow people other than SarahK to chuck Wiimotes at FrankJ’s head? ‘Cause that would be fun for the whole family.
Dear Dr Duck:
How many times do I have to hear that $%^$$#%& @#$#$%^$^% “Our Country” commercial before a jury would accept that killing John Mellencamp and everyone at the ad agency was justifiable homicide?
If the answer is less than 1.456283 gazzilion (current estimate)do you favor C4 or RDX for bombing things?
Dear Dr. Duck,
I am currently comtemplatin gpurchasing a Nintend Wii for myself for Christmas. I haven’t gotten this purchase approved by my wife. Do you think she will burn the house down when I tell her about it?
If, hypothetically, a loyal long time reader did not really like Frank’s In My Worlds, but loved his editorials, is there any way to tell him that said reader won’t buy his current book, but would buy a collection of the editorials without deflating his ego? Would asking the question to a co-blogger in an unrelated thread be wrong? What if the reader used one of his or hers seldom used pseudonyms rather than the alias she or he normally comments under, would that be too weaselly? Can Frank figure out who I, (I mean that reader) is and if so, is preferring his editorials to IMW still considered a capital offense at IMAO? If it is still a capital offense and he can trace it, will you remember me fondly? Hypothetically I mean.
Will political leanings determine which next-gen video game console(s) a person buys?
What does Glenn Reynolds want for Christmas?
Do you know of any other “Jewish cabals” in society? What else, other than OJ’s, have they been keeping from us?
Oops, I meant to for that to say “OJ’s book”.
Please settle a bet: What is the standard number of people that must be killed in order to convince Katie Couric that your violent, oppressive religion is actually a peaceful religion? I say 3,000. But, my brother says it’s a much larger number.
Is it OK to substitute roast duck for Christmas goose. If so what roasting temperature do you prefer and what sort of basting sauce.
How much wood could a wood duck duck if a wood duck could duck wood? Ewwwwww,nevermind.