Finally we have arrived at the voting rounds in the Idol studio. Thank goodness. And tonight is a 2-hour Idol. Two hours! The girls tomorrow night, and Thursday night two girls and two guys go home. We wittle them down fast now.
Ryan asks Randy about all the heat he’s been taking this season for being so hard on contestants. Randy says he’s just being more honest, and Ryan asks if he’s just been lying all along. SarahK says yeah, dawg. Yeah. Paula’s gonna have to be all more supportive and stuff, uh huh, and more happy seal clappy, yes. Ryan asks Simon if all of the Grammys, #1 hits, plus Jennifer Hudson’s Oscar nod put more pressure on the contestants because the show is more valid blah blah blah… Simon says “Yes.” Ryan was hoping Simon would expound, so he asks how the contestants should navigate the scary, raging American Idol river of pressure or some equally bad metaphor. Simon says, “Sing well.” Yes, I agree, Simon, let’s get to it, shall we?
Oh, my insides are all torn up. Y’all don’t ever get diseases of the small intestine, ok? Not fun, dawg. Not fun.
After the break, the guys get to share share share their audition memories. Rudy Cardenas says that being a professional musician means eating Ramen noodles & mac & cheese. So not for celiacs, then?
IDOLS 01… Rudy is singing “Free Ride”, and the first several bars are completely unintelligible. Completely. In fact, I can’t tell what he’s singing until he says “come on and take a free ride”. After the chorus, I again can’t tell what he’s singing. It was campy, there was very little charisma, and come on. This is your one shot to show America who you are, and you come out here and sing a boring, overdone song that they play on TV commercials every five minutes? Terrible song choice, no enunciation, an awful bore. Ok, so he blew it. Unless someone else totally tanks, I think he’s out.
After the break, Chris Sligh says that tonight is all about the guys looking pretty. Ryan is all, “Ok, you stay over there…” (so I can join you later…) Ryan is so in love.
IDOLS 02… Brandon Rogers is the one who sang backup for Christina and Usher and others, and now he’s ready to take the spotlight. Ok, when the lights come up he’s already singing, which is weird, and he’s singing all slow and low, and I think he’s going for a sultry effect, but really I’m just confused yet waiting for something big. Then the tempo picks up, and he is singing “I Wanna Rock with You”. He’s on pitch the whole song, that’s fine. Smooth, velvety voice. Enunciation is way better than that guy who went first (too forgettable to name, and it would require scrolling for me to find the name for you… Well, yes, I do realize I could have scrolled in the time that I typed all this about scrolling, but see my hands and wrists didn’t have to move for me to keep typing). Very warm, charming, sexy. Yes, woohoo, but I have to say, I was incredibly underwhelmed by his entire performance. I kept waiting for him to bust out and start belting some notes into the atmosphere. I felt like the song was pitched too low for him. I hope I’m not detecting a Studdardesque laziness in him. Eh, I think he’ll stay, but for me it wasn’t vote-worthy. He’ll be safe on his smile alone, though.

IDOLS 03… Sundance Head was one of the best in his audition, then fell apart in Hollywood week and is hoping to redeem himself tonight. He’s singing “Nights in White Satin”, and it starts off a little pitchy and shaky, so I’m kinda worried for him. Yeah, it doesn’t get much better. He keeps belting, but it just never comes back on track… I almost want to vote for him as a mercy vote. He’s having a rough time. Randy says he needs to go back to the bluesy Sundance from the audition, and he is pitchy Dawg. Paula says yeah. Simon says he agrees and doesn’t like Sundance tonight, and you can see the pain in his eyes. He has very emotional eyes. I can’t take it, I feel my fingers pulling toward the phone for a Sundance vote. He’s in danger of going home unless one of the other unremarkables does something unremarkable. LOL, one of the judges had said something about Sundance’s arms flailing about while he was singing (it was Simon), and Ryan asks Sundance what he would do differently with his arms next time. Paula, of all people, starts doing the Simon Chicken Breast Rub and rubs her hands all over her upper chest. Ryan joins in. Hahahahaha. I love it. They picked up on it on The Soup a couple of weeks ago, too. One of the best Idol moments this season.
IDOLS 04… Paul Kim, the Foot Fungus Freak. Yeah, I’ve decided that until he wears shoes, he is a walking athlete’s foot machine. We get it, you’ve shown us your gimmick, whatever. You can spray your tootsies with Lysol and put your flip-flops back on. Anyway, he’s singing “Careless Whisper”, ok? And he’s doing the hip-hop hand motions, right? I’m never gonna dance again… yo… whatup… uh… guilty feet indeed. The up-and-down hand motions do not go with the song. Listen to your words, Triple F. Yaaaawwwwwnnnnn. This is soooo boring. I know why the hand motions, he’s rocking himself to sleep… and aaaaaaack!!! What in the world was that? Right in the middle goes up into the worst Ace Young falsetto — way worse than any Ace ever did — and completely botches it. Randy says maybe the song is not right. Collagen asks how he feels, which is her way of saying that it sucked, and Simon says that it was 3rd rate and he should put his shoes on. I’m with you, Simon. Oh, and Randy and Paula want the viewers to remember that Triple F is one of the best voices in the competition. Eh, I can do without him and his many fungi.
So far, I feel let down tonight. Who will save this wretched heap of deflating manhood?
Oh dear, Ryan took off his shoes to show his support. Plus, he just got a pedicure, and he says the Triple F definitely needs a pedi.
IDOLS 05… Chris Richardson dresses like Justin Timberlake, looks a little like a cross between K-Fed and JT, so Britney’s Dream Ex. Well, here’s a much better song choice than the other guys, because I’m not scowling upon hearing the opening. Gavin Degraw’s “I Don’t Wanna Be”. About three bars in, I’m kinda rocking back and forth, watching closely because I’m not sure what to think, and Frank is saying, “It it just me, or is that really bad? Doesn’t that sound like me trying to sing it?” And halfway through, I rewind and start it over; I’m too puzzled. I have to listen with my eyes closed. And I think what’s happened is that he’s been compared to JT enough that he’s trying to sing a rockish song with a popish flare to it, you know, do his own thang, dawg, so that they can’t judge him on a pop song and compare him to JT apples to apples? Maybe. And I don’t know why, but I almost like it. I think I like it for the high notes. Definitely requires eye closure, though. Too much weird gyrating and chicken dancing for my taste. But I don’t like it enough to vote for it. Frank thinks it’s terrible. Randy says yo yo, the show just started. Not your best vocal. Paula says yummy! Simon says the girls will love you and vote for you, but your vocals sounded small up there. YES, exactly!
IDOLS 06… Nick Pedro is definitely one of the cutest of the guys, not that I think he’s cute, but other girls might. He’s singing “Now and Forever” by Richard Marx, and in the beginning, he is having a hard time keeping up with the band. He finally gets it together, but it’s a little pitchy. The high part is good, but eh. It was pretty blaaaaaaaah. Nice voice, and I want him to stick around, so I hope the little teeny boppers fawn over that hunky smile of his and vote for him. I can’t vote for that performance. He’ll probably be middle of the pack.
IDOLS 07… Blake Lewis, the beatboxer. I’m glad he said the beatboxing will be used sparingly, because really, save it for special occasions and a song here and there on your album. This is a singing competition. He’s singing “Somewhere Only We Know” by Keane. I’ve never heard the song, and I haven’t heard him sing much, so let’s to it… Oooooooh. For me, this was a chest-holder. One of those songs where I just put my hand on my chest and didn’t move until it was over. That was lovely. I like his voice. Am calling to vote for him right now. Line’s busy. Will try again later. Finally, someone stepped up. Good job.
IDOLS 08… Sanjaya Malakar is singing, oh guess whose song Sanjaya is singing? Sanjaya, have you not read in the SarahK Rules of Idol that you are not allowed to sing Stevie Wonder songs? No one is. Nothing good can come of it. Some song about not wanting to bore me and I love you, I love you, I love you, you’re boring, you’re a lovely little lemondrop candycane. Snoooooooze. Randy says no, dawg. No one can sing Stevie Wonder. Yes, that’s why they did a whole Stevie Wonder night last year, Sanjaya — or was that just to make all my hair fall out? I can’t recall. Paula says something about lovely poppies in a field, and Simon agrees with me on the boring but says people will like his hair. They have hair banter, and it’s uncomfy talk with Ryan about age until the break. Yes, we get it, he’s 17. Big whoop, Leann Rimes was 14 when she yodeled “Blue”, so don’t talk to me about age.
IDOLS 09… Chris Sligh is up, and he was my favorite coming in, so I hope with all the hope in my heart that he’s great tonight. He’s funny in his interview, makes fun of wanting to sing “Do I Make You Proud” in the finale. He sings “Typical” by Mute Math. Frank and I thought it was the best of the night. I could have done without the annoying Pink Floydathon they had going on with the lights, but the singing was great. I’ll vote for that. Randy likes it, Paula likes it. Simon says that yes, his humor did get him here (referring to his interview), but he felt like he was at a college singing or something, and Ryan wants to know when kids just start randomly singing at college. I knew what Simon meant, like karaoke night in the SUB, but Ryan is talking over the judges when it’s not his turn, and Simon starts to hissy… Simon says shut up, and those two girls just start the squabbling. Meanwhile, Chris tries to break the ice and says something like, “I just wanna know, just because I don’t sing the types of songs like Il Divo and the Teletubbies…” referring to the men’s opera group Simon started and the Teletubbies Christmas album that Simon is responsible for, and hahaha, he researched just in case Simon insulted him so he could fling poo back. Simon says, “You could always play a Teletubby.” So Simon is getting ugly with Chris because he’s in the middle of his lover’s quarrel with Ryanne, whom he has already called “Sweetheart” in their little match. So Chris doesn’t get a very constructive judging, because Ryan has cut Simon off, and they’re arguing over who has prettier nail polish. Oh Simon, you know Ryan spends hours picking out his nail color, just let him win. Vote for Chris, BTW.
IDOLS 10… Jared Cotter. This is really the first time we’re seeing him, so great, clean slate for him. That can be great. And he’s singing a stupid, retarded, foot fungus song. “Back at One” by Brian McKnight. Forgettable. Well-sung, but forgettable. Terrible song choice.
IDOLS 11… A.J. Tabaldo. I hear the opening horns of the song and roll my eyes. I’m sorry, didn’t we already hear him? Wasn’t this the first guy, the one whom I couldn’t understand at all? Because he’s back. This time singing the safe and boring “All My Love” or something like that, who cares. Goodbye.
NUMBER WITHHELD… Last is the family-abandoning Phil Stacey, who left his wife to have a baby on her own so he could audition for Idol. Wasn’t due for another week. Ok, so you just left your 9-months pregnant wife. That’s so much better. Why do you feel the need to explain yourself? Do you feel guilty? Because you should. Look how your wife came with you to support you in Hollywood. Like you didn’t do when she had your baby. I’m not one to make fun of physical features, so I won’t. But I do feel so much negativity for this man who left his 9-months pregnant wife to audition, so I will say this: He should grow some hair or wear the hat like he wore in his audition. And it’s nothing to do with the bald head. Oh, and would everyone shut up about Britney’s bald head already? Anyway, he sings “I Could Not Ask for More”, a song I love. The beginning is shaky and bad at best, but to be honest, that is a hard song to sing. You have to have range to sing it. I can nail the chorus and the coda, but I really struggle with the beginning, because probably most people who hit the chorus with ease are uncomfy with the beginning — it’s too low for us. It’s too low for me, anyway. It’s barely in my range. /me being nice. He eases into the chorus and does his own thing near the end. I’m more impressed with his performance than I want to be. Vocally, I’d say he’s in the top three tonight, even though I want to punch him in his dumb monkey face. No, I wouldn’t actually do that, so if his dumb monkey face ends up punched, y’all look at other suspects before me, ok? Randy is like, “You’re my hero! Can you also fly and turn invisible?” Paula’s like, “Can you melt things with your brain? Better yet, can you make vodka appear out of thin air?” Simon says, “Yeah, it was monstrous in the beginning and good at the end, but it wasn’t the best thing since self-healing cheerleaders.” He starts name-dropping past Idol contestants.
Ok, the ranking (I only call in votes for the s):
09 Chris Sligh – 07 Blake Lewis
07 Blake Lewis – 09 Chris Sligh*
NW Phil Stacey – even though he’s a pale-faced mealy-mouthed ninny, and I hate him.
Everyone else pretty much did nothing for me.
06 Nick Pedro* – changed my mind. I guess I can vote for it, even though he doesn’t deserve it.
02 Brandon Rogers
05 Chris Richardson, and I don’t know why.
08 Sanjaya Malakar
10 Jared Cotter
03 Sundance Head*
04 Paul Kim – Foot Fungus Freak
11 A.J. Tabaldo – come on. I don’t care if you speak English, but at least sing in English.
01 Rudy Cardenas – ditto.
I’m so offended by all these guys coming out and playing it safe. This is the first time they get a chance to show off, to prove that they should be the one whose record I’m buying in nine months, and they want to sing a crappy Stevie Wonder song to me? That is so RUDE! Same thing happens every year. I feel like a broken record. You can’t win Idol playing it safe, because you’re just counting on everyone else screwing up. One person is bound to break out and do something worth voting for, and you’ll be left in the dust. But if only one person is breaking out, that makes for tedious television for the 30 million of us watching.