We were at Disney World Thursday night when all my American Idol predictions came true, but I’m rewatching the results show now (we watched Friday night when we got home), and I have things to say!
So here they are.
They announced all the guest stars who will be appearing this season. Let’s discuss. Or let’s me talk and you listen.
Diana Ross. Oh, I can’t wait for that tragedy of a disco night. I could make myself a big pot of coffee to stay awake, but excess caffeine is bad for my epilepsy. Stupid neurological diseases! No wait, why am I mad at my brain waves? Stupid bad disco nights on American Idol that make me want to fall into a deep sleep and dream about cherry blossom trees and purple unicorns! Why must they taunt me?
Jon Bon Jovi. Sweet! One of those teeny-bopping wailers (probably Jordin) will sing “Wanted Dead or Alive” in a full-length, sparkly, long red evening gown. Mark those words, y’all, I’m tellin’ ya. But she’ll replace “cowboy” with “cowgirl”, and she’ll smile ear-to-ear like “look how clever I am!” when “cowgirl” comes out of her mouth, and her adoring fans will giggle and cheer. I won’t be cheering. I’ll be looking for this permalink so I can remind y’all of when I said this. Chris Sligh will sing an obscure song that wouldn’t make the greatest hits album, and Randy will pretend to have loved that song for years, dawg.
J-Lo. A.J. Trabaldo will try to sing “Love Don’t Cost a Thing”, but we will have such a hard time understanding him that we will think he’s singing “my oven tone caught touching”. No wait, I take it back. If he makes the top 12, there is no justice in the world. Why yes. That is the only J-Lo song I know. It would be torturous to know more.

Gwen Stefani. It would be worth keeping A.J. around just to hear him sing “Hollaback Girl”. I’m concerned about that night and what it might bring. Gwen Stefani is a rocker and a character, a full package, and I think without her whole package, the songs aren’t really good enough to stand alone. I hope I’m wrong, but I… hmm. I see a steam train rolling onto the stage that night. I anxiously await it with glee.
Tony Bennett. You know I love me crooners. And I love/hate standards night on American Idol. It’s deliciously awful for the people who can’t sing (they get exposed — ahem, Kellie Pickler) and a lovely showcase for the people who can.
Martina McBride. Eeeee! I say eeee, but there are actually very few Martina McBride songs that I can see blowing the voters away and really being vote-worthy. She has a lot of ballads that won’t scream “vote for me!” So the contestants are going to have to get creative and insert themselves, do their own thang, dawg. Very few of the contestants can do “Independence Day” and get away with it, because it was Carrie Underwood’s signature just two seasons ago, so they’ll have to do it so much better in order to not be compared to her. Other than that, there’s “Broken Wing”; someone should scoop that one up quickly, because if you do that one right, it’s the automatic winner. The guys have the advantage of the night, because the girls will be compared to the original, while the guys can basically do the song closer to as-is without coming under too much fire from the judges. She has a huge body of work, so the contestants should start looking through her songlist now. And so help me pete, if anyone sings that horrible song about God-fearing women who don’t want to stir the gravy anymore and decide to quit the Baptist choir and their marriages to become whores, I will shred someone’s vocal chords with my own fingernails. I’ll do it, don’t make me come out there to Hollywood, peeps! It will be an interesting night.
Lulu and Peter Noone from Herman’s Hermits on British Invasion 60s night. 60s night. I could cry.
Barry Gibb from The BeeGees. I cheered at this one. Cheered. I loooove the BeeGees.
“Sowing the Seeds of Love”. Ahahahahaha. The snaps are killing me.
I hate the V-cast commercials. If I was sitting on a plane, and a random stranger asked if he could check out my V-cast, I would say no. Nobody else is putting my very own earbuds inside their ears. Maybe Frank. Maybe my sister or my mom. That’s about my limit. So disgusting.
Ryan asks Chris Sligh if he’s nervous, and Chris is nervous that America took the banter with Simon the wrong way. America, Chris loves Simon. Simon likes Chris, because Chris loves Simon.
Foot Fungus Freak Paul Kim wore shoes for getting kicked off and also for “Sowing the Seeds of Love”. I betcha the producers demanded it and Lysoled the stage. He does not take my advice and still does the gansta hip-hop dance while singing about his guilty, stinky, neckid athlete’s feet.
Amy Krebs is the first girl to get the ax, and Ryan decides he hates her, so he asks Simon to give her words of wisdom. “You’re not a standout” or something like that. Oops, should have asked Paula for a rah-rah speech.
Fantasia comes out to sing, and the singing is good, but her dress is way too tight. I don’t mean just immodestly tight (if I wanted to talk about modesty, I could go on about other aspects of the dress). I mean that dress is painted into her. Not onto her. Into. Come on, you’re like super-rich now. You can’t find a dress that fits? Or a stylist? Fantasia, I voted for you many times! Don’t embarrass me by not knowing that you’re a size 6 and not a 4. And 6 is awesome. Don’t try to squeeze into a 4 just because that’s what you wore in high school. Remember you’ve had a baby since high school. No wait, you had the baby in high school. Ok, so you should be used to the 6 by now. Face the facts. I do love you, so I come in peace.
Second boy to get the boot is Rudy Cardenas, because he no sing English. He speaks English just fine, but when he starts singing, he just garbles all the words, so I happily say goodbye.
Second girl to go is Nicole Tranquillo, and the second time she sings, I’m doing that cringing thing I did the first time I heard her sing. What is that? How did she get through to the top 24? I don’t get that. Not at all.
Ok, now we watch tonight’s episode. Just remember, I’m 100% on my predictions so far. I’m awesome.