Ryan is trying to lie and say that there was a good start to the competition last night. Lie. Ur.
After the recap, Ryan starts in being a complete pinkytoe to Simon. And now starts the Seacrest Simon Smoochy Hour. Ryan is picking and picking and picking, trying to get Simon to admit that Chris Sligh got under his skin. Listen, Miss Seacrest. I’ll tell you how I saw it, and I am the Lovely and Talented SarahK, so after I make my judge’s ruling, you can shut your piehole and remember that you’re just the host and not the talent. If you don’t chill out (because really, something has got stuck in yer craw, as we say in Texas upon occasion), I’m going to accuse Joy Behar (a talentless hack) of being able to take you in a witting contest with half her comedy tied behind her back, and that idiot is a one-joke pony (Dick Cheney is evil! Halliburton did it! Duh-hur-hur!! Ba-dum-ching!). Anyway, listen up, Seacrest. You were trying to take Cowell to your girly mat because you wanted to know about random college singings, and Simon told you to put a sock in it. You kept badgering him and annoying me. Chris, the long-forgotten judgee, whose judging time you were usurping with your inanity, said, “hey guys, remember me? Il Divo and Teletubbies!” and Simon stopped arguing with you for half a second. it looked like he was ticked off at you for forgetting your place and getting him off his rhythm, because had you kept quiet during the Simon Segment, Simon would have been able to come up with something razor-sharp to counter with. Instead, he had to settle for the butter knife that made fun of Chris’s weight. But hey, Chris asked for it. After that, Simon stopped talking.
Get OVER yourself, Miss Ryan. Love ya.
On to the girls.
IDOLS 01… Stephanie Edwards is first. She looks pretty in a purply blue and brown knee-length dress. Hmm, I didn’t really critique the boy clothing last night, did I? Well, except Foot Fungus Freak Paul Kim, who needs shoes. She sounds really good. Has great stage presence, is owning the stage. I would have hoped for a better song than this. “How Come You Don’t Call Me Anymore” by Alicia Keys. Nice run at the end. She barely made that last note, I mean she crawled toward it like Seacrest toward a snappy comeback, and she only squeaked by. But she really came out swinging and didn’t go safe like the safety guys of Tuesday night. That last note really hurt my ears, though. Especially on the replay. I think I’ll vote for her. Randy loved her even though she was pitchy dawg but can learn from it. Paula says she’s a star. Simon says she’s better than everything, better than the guys last night (who all clap and nod and smile and pretend that they’re happy for her), better than herself, better than sex and chocolate and Paula’s vodka and unicorns and definitely better than Seacrest. Simon thought it was a good song choice. I disagree, but whatever. She sang it mostly well.

IDOLS 02… Amy Krebs is next up in a hideous early ’90s pattern dress that’s a little too big for her. She sings “I Can’t Make You Love Me”. That is true. You also can’t make me wake up. Unexciting. Safe. I like her hair, though. That’s something. Randy says she should have been soulful, but she went safe. Paula says yes. Randy says she’s better than that. Simon says she’s forgettable and has the personality of a candle. Amy says yes sir, Simon, and it’s all he can do to keep from rolling his eyes. He tells her everything about her right now, including the dress and the hair, are forgettable.
IDOLS 03… Leslie Hunt is next, and I read today or yesterday that she has the Lupus, so we’re supposed to feel sorry for her and vote accordingly. No, I promise to make fun of her shortcomings just like I do with the other contestants, Lupus notwithstanding. I didn’t hold back on Elliott last year because of his diabetes (of course, I really liked him, but when he was bad I said so), and I didn’t hold back on Kellie Pickler because of her cognitive disability. In fact, I made fun of that, worked it into my schtick. Leslie looks much older than 24. Y’all check her ID. Anyway, her dress is ok, nothing offensive, a little nondescript. The boots don’t work with the dress. She’s singing “(You Make Me Feel Like A) Natural Woman”. Y’all remind me to make fun of that song title someday. Anyway, I hope that spastic stage dancing isn’t related to the Lupus, because I need to make fun of that and don’t want to feel sorry for her about it instead. That’s some bad dancing. The singing is fine, and she’s really trying, but she’s not blowing me away. But she’s not trying to be safe, so I appreciate that. Randy says Dawg, you’re no Aretha. Well, neither are you, Dawg! Paula says she did great. Simon says nuh-uh. He says it was ok, but she’s a dog walker and she was out of her element, and Ryan says he actually knows what Simon is saying. Yes, Ryan, that you’re his… coworker.
IDOLS 04… Sabrina Sloan is up next, looking cute and almost modest in a white see-thru long blouse (it had potential to be cute) and jeans. And very uncomfortable shoes. She’s singing “I Never Loved a Man”. The ladies love Aretha tonight. She’s fantastic. Everything about her. The voice, the song, the stage presence. Randy loves her, Paula loves vodka and standing ovations, and Simon loves himself and self-adulates over his previous comments. How he is so right to say that the ordinary performances are just not good enough, because someone like Sabrina comes on and proves what Idol is all about. Simon says she’s the best yet. SarahK agrees. Sabrina smiles. Hey, that was a movie back when I was five! I loved that movie! No wait. It was Savannah Smiles. I loved that movie, but now it’s not as exciting. Ryan asks why no ballad? Sabrina says she actually watches the show and wants to win. Vote for her for sure.
IDOLS 05… Antonella Barba, the BFF whose BFF got cut from the show. Because God likes good people. But apparently, Antonella let Amanda pick her song for her, because Antonella (I’m guessing the parents really wanted a boy and wanted to name her after the father Anthony, right?) is singing “Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing” by Aerosmith. As soon as I heard the opening notes… sigh. So let’s talk about the look. I hate those shirts that have little short sleeves but the shoulders cut out. What IS that? You don’t want people to see your dandruff, so you cut out the dandruff’s landing pad? I don’t get it. She’s pretty in red, but huh. Jeans, red heels. I’m not pleased with the hair. She has this gorgeous long brown hair, and she pulled it back in a boring ponytail. Why, to show off those big hoop earrings? They’re plain. Ok, the song. Pitch problems galore. I thought she might do something good with it when she stepped off that urinal chair she was sitting on, but no. Then at the end, when the song gets really huge, she just took it down a hundred notches for the teeny ending. It didn’t work. Randy is displeased. Paula breaks out the beautiful card, which means that it tanked, and Simon says the song was way too big for her, but the good news is she’s attractive. Yes, Simon, but she hid the hair to show off the earrings! Wow, I have the DVR paused on her face right after Simon’s harsh judging, and she is gorgeous. I’m not kidding, she could be a Max Factor model. Why does that makeup brand pop into my head? Look at her bone structure, nice unobtrusive (inobtrusive?) ears. Very pretty. Simon says she might go home. Anthony Jr.’s mom’s eyes are huge at that remark. Jr. asks what she can do better, and Simon tells her to sing pop. Ryan says, did you realize that song was a risk? Anthony Jr. says, yes but I figured it was a risk worth taking. Simon says, It would be like Ryan doing the news, and Jr. does not hide that she thinks that’s funny. Ryan graciously says she was better than that.
Before the break, Ryan says that Jordin Sparks is singing Tracey Chapman next. My automatic blind prediction is that Jordin Sparks is the first Wednesday night casualty. She’s going home.
IDOLS 06… Jordin Sparks really for real is singing Tracy Chapman’s “Gimme One Reason” on AI. I’ve decided to be annoyed with that until she makes me forget to be annoyed by completely ticking me off. Ok, um, remember when I challened Triple F on his hip-hop thing for “I’m never gonna dance again…”? A’ight. Listen up, sweetums, because you’re only seventeen and have likely never had a bad breakup, and you don’t know what this song is about. She’s walking out on him, breaking up, walking out of his life, but she doesn’t want to go. “Give me one reason to stay, and I’ll turn right back around…This youthful heart can love you and give you what you need… ” and you are up there running around the stage, parading, smiling and hooraying and soooo excited to be leaving this guy! But in the song, she is telling him, come on, just give me one reason to stay. I will do it, you can see me already turning around, just give me the word, gimme one good reason. You got it all wrong. Sounded great, but you performed it wrong. Dead wrong. Randy, who professes to know about music and be a musician, is not offended by her complete ignorance of the lyrics. Paula loves that she had fun with the song. I don’t remember what Simon said.
07… Nicole Tranquillo is yelling a lot. Her black and silver top is pretty, but her black jeans look badly faded, and not stylishly. What did she sing? “Let’s Stay Together”. Wow, that’s really that song? Supposedly, according to Randy, kind of a mix of the Chaka Khan and Erica Badu versions? Well. A lot of yelling, not much good. But I did enjoy watching her dad try to keep rhythm. Poor guy. He just did not get the rhythm gene. Anyway, I did not love her. Randy says it’s the wrong kind of song for her. Paula says she doesn’t know how many people can hit the notes that Nicole hit. Right Paula. Not many people. Paula says it was out of this world. Indeed. Simon says it was indulgent and the wrong song. Ryan asks if she has what it takes. Randy says yeah dawg, but it doesn’t take that song. Blah blah, there’s banter, and I’m bored. Can we get back to that Sabrina girl?
Hey, we had a real life bona fide runaway show up on our door step tonight. Commenced the Sarah Nervous Talky thing. She’s fine. Her parents picked her up about forty-five minutes after she arrived. I bawled like a baby when I shut the door, it was very emotional.
Y’all live for my little life vignettes, don’t y’all? Admit it.
IDOLS 08… Haley Scarnato is singing a Celine Dion song. “It’s All Coming Back to Me”. Apparently it never came to you, because you, too, have never read the lyrics you’re singing. What is WITH the girls tonight? I’m losing my patience. I do, for an unknown reason, like the big doubloon around her neck. Matches the ones on Paula’s ears. LOL, Chris Sligh looks incredibly bored during her judging. Her outfit is ok, but it’d be better if she hadn’t lost the top. Anyway, she sings so happily and whimsically about how it’s all coming back to her. Yes, Celine understands the soap opera of this song. She’s moved on, she’s gotten on with her life, and she’s stronger now, but then he starts touching her and kissing her, and it’s all coming back, and oh no. She is so not prepared for this. It’s so very Sonny and Carly Corinthos today on General Hospital. Do y’all get that at the AI mansion? Watch today’s episode on the soap channel tonight and see how you should have sang that song. Again. All wrong. And the whimsy arm waves were too cheesy. Too much! Don’t do that, or you’ll beat that blue sapphire heart right off your chest at the Oscars, Haley. Ugh. What a beating that was. Randy did not love it. Paula says she wishes Haley would have sung something they hadn’t already heard her sing, but Haley is pretty. Simon says Haley sounds like she’s 40. Haley tells Ryan that of course she appreciates the judges’ critiques, but she’s going to be her own self and sing what she wants. Well, for a week or two or zero, anyway, right, Haley? Oh, by the way, Haley botched the words like mad on this song. Every other word out of her mouth was wrong.
IDOLS 09… Melinda Doolittle is singing about being hurt in a real bad way with a giant smile on her face. Not YOU, Melinda! She’s singing “Sweet Sweet Baby Since You’ve Been Gone” (Aretha). Her voice and energy are incredible. She’s amazing, but I am appalled that she sang so happily about having been kicked to the curb. Have any of these girls ever been broken up with before? She looks great, too. Jeans, cute top, brown leather jacket, ugly earrings. Cute hair. Randy loves her, Paula loves her and her firecrackyness. Did Paula just call her a cracker? Paula, Paula, Paula. Too much vodka. Simon loves her and her story and really hopes she does well.
IDOLS 10… Alaina Alexander up front says that she’s emotional and sensitive. Oh, she’s perfect for Idol! I hope she reads my Idol snarkage. Anyway, she’s dressed kinda nondescript for Idol. Didn’t dress up or down, like she doesn’t want to be noticed. That’s not good. What great hair she has, though. Some of these other girls should learn from her. It’s the first hair of the night that really stands out as good hair. Yes, the song. Well, it was not good enough. What can I say? She sang something about being special and wanting attention? “Brass in Pocket” by the Pretenders, apparently. She didn’t really do anything special with the song. Or anything attention-worthy. I’ve already forgotten it. Randy says it was pitchy, dawg. Paula says that what Randy meant was that she didn’t make it her own. No Paula, pitchy means “off-key”. Take away the Coke cup, guys. Simon says what I said about her not being special and that she’s going to depend on her looks to get by. Ryan starts being all sweet, and Simon asks if Ryan wants to date her. Simon, did you hear yourself and the pronoun at the end of the sentence? Rethink it. Ryan fumbles around for a long time. Again, I’m bored.
IDOLS 11… Gina Glocksen is tired of auditioning for American Idol, so she’s ready to win it. The good news, Gina, is that now that you’ve made the top 24, you’re no longer eligible to audition. So whether you win or not, you’re done. So you get your wish either way! Glad I can bear the good news. Anyway, the music starts, and I’m scared for her. “All By Myself”, the Celine version. All my muscles are tense, because this can go very badly. It can also go well. She looks as good as a girl with a tongue bolt can look, I guess. Oh, speaking of that! My sister’s biopsy results came back today. It is definitely cancer, stage 0, but they think they got it all and she’ll just have to go back every three months for biopsies. Ok, so here’s the big note, and she hits it, and after the note, she finishes the song well and with a little non-Celine flair, even, which impresses me. Good for her. Randy is happy, Paula is praising the unicorns, and Simon says that she surprised him singing that song but he doesn’t think she hit the big note. Ryan asks her about her confidence. 6 pre-performance, and 12 post-performance, because she’s sure she hit the note. Tivo is our friend. I’ve listened to it three times, and it sounds to me like she hit it. She had to tweak it slightly, but she ended up where she needed to be, and at least she wasn’t smiling giddily while singing about being all alone her bleak, isolated, cat-lady world. Ahem. If ever Frank leaves me, I’ll be a cat lady, so I’m insulting only me there.
IDOLS 12… Lakisha Jones is the last of the girls. sigh I’m too tired to even talk about her dress. There is too much of her ginormous breasts for that dress. It’s a pretty dress, lovely red and gold, perfect for the Chinese New Year. But those bazoombas need their own matching purses, good grief. I guess I wasn’t too tired to talk about the dress. She’s singing “And I Am Telling You” by Jennifer Holiday and now Jennifer Hudson, so it will be high on the judges’ radar. Did she just feel herself up in her hoo-hah region? Was that on purpose? I mean, everything else she’s doing on that stage is very well crafted, so I have to think she went for her own hoo-hah on purpose. I mean, there was a dress barrier there, but… whatever. Too tired. Hoo-hah girl is awesome. Different league. She’s amazing with her voice and her acting and her bazoombas and hoo-hah and her hair that won’t stay out of her mouth no matter how hard she tries to keep it out. Randy says Jennifer Hudson watch out! Yes, she’ll watch out from behind her little statuette. He can protect her (if she wins). Paula says hooray! Simon says, to correct someone earlier, let me be haughty for a moment and take away from your moment just a smidge, that’s the right note. Lakisha looks uncomfy with that remark but smiles with her Godzilla breasts. Her Godzeasts. King Kongas. Simon says he’s tempted to tell 23 people to book their tickets home, because she’s in a different league.
Ryan asks the judges between the guys and the girls, how many would you keep? Randy says he’d keep about 4 guys and 8 girls, and that’s exactly what Judge Extraordinaire SarahK would have said. Paula says everyone is so beautiful in all the plum fairy land! Oh, and some of you can sleep great tonight. But the rest of you… pick the right song. (If you’re here.) Ryan asks Simon the score, and Simon says that there were about 4 good performances tonight and Lakisha has thrown down the gauntlet. Yes, the Gauntlet of Breasts. Cutlet?
Ok, the order…
12 Lakisha Jones*
04 Sabrina Sloan*
01 Stephanie Edwards*
09 Melinda Doolittle* – was better than Stephanie but got major points off for the smiling while getting kicked to the curb thing
11 Gina Glocksen*
03 Leslie Hunt
06 Jordin – sounded better than Leslie, but got major points off for not knowing anything about lyrics
08 Haley
10 Alaina Alexander
05 Antonella – at least she moved around on the stage, unlike Amy.
07 Nicole – Yes, Antonella was pitchier, but Nicole yelled her whole song, and I wasn’t crazy about her tone.
02 Amy Krebs – zzzzz.
Prediction: I think Amy is gone for sure. Either Nicole or Alaina will leave with her… hmm. Alaina has that hot girl thing going on (not that Nicole isn’t pretty, she is, but Alaina has all that hair). I think Antonella will skate easily. Ok, Amy and Nicole.
On the guy side, oh please let it be A.J. and Rudy, who haven’t quite mastered the art of singing in English. But I don’t think it will be them. I think it will be Rudy and Paul. The Foot Fungus Freak. Which kind of makes me sad, because I was going to start with my mushroom jokes next week. There’s always tomorrow night, I guess.