This is the part of the blog where I write about my day for those interested.
After my meeting with Iron Man, I decided I couldn’t rely on the superhero community. I’d just keep my eyes open and continue on as business as usual. I was still waiting on the Justice League to do another decision on nuking the moon, so I started working on a new project: A computer program that could automatically blog humorous political observation for me by simply Googling today’s new stories. It’s an advanced project, but only I have the humor expertise to see it through.
I was interrupted, though, by a call today from my sister in Hollywood. Apparently a major studio had decided to go ahead on my movie idea entitled Ninja Nixon. It’s a reimagining of Nixon’s visit to China with Nixon as a ninja out for revenge. The current tagline is “He’s not a crook… but he is a deadly assassin.” It’s quite a high-concept film, and I’m surprised a major studio approved it.
I told my sister to get in talks with Chow Yun-Fat for the title roll and she told me that she’s a costume designer and that isn’t her job and I told her I don’t care for excuses and hung up the phone. “My dear wife,” I told the harpy watching The View, “do you think we should go to Hollywood to make sure they don’t screw up my movie? If done right, the ideas expressed in this film could change the world.”
“I don’t like California because everyone is weird there and they don’t let you have guns,” she said. “I shoot people who don’t let me have guns.”
“Well, I guess I’ll just pass on my ideas to them, then. Who do you think should play Nixon’s wacky sidekick Henry Kissinger?”
“Um… Bruce Willis.”
I wrote that down. “Good idea. If this movie doesn’t sweep the Academy Awards, such vengeance shall I wreak upon them.”
The doorbell rang, and the dog growled and snarled so much you’d think it was Mexican out there. I opened the door and it was Lieutenant Caine from Miami. “Aww… did you lose your friend,” I laughed in his face.
He took off his sunglasses. “I know your involved with the disappearance of Arthur Curry.”
“Then, when you find his mutilated corpse, can you take a picture so I can frame my work and put it on my office wall?”
He didn’t react. “In a building by the docks where we believe Arthur disappeared, we found sand like substance. Spectral analysis showed us it was actually ground up sea shells we traced to a business in Melbourne. While looking through their customer database, we got an anonymous phone call from someone saying he saw you leaving the docks laughing manically about how you killed Aquaman.”
“In other words, you’ve got jack. Well, keep me updated on your case.” I slammed the door on him.
“Hey, where are my sunglasses!” I heard him yell from outside as I used some tape to put a new pair of sunglasses on the dog. “It’s a felony to take an officer’s sun glasses!”
“I hate these distractions,” I told my wife. “I’m going to work on movie ideas. If you see Dr. Doom, attacking the country, give me a holler.”
Archive of entries posted on April 2007
The Morale We SHOULD Be Undercutting
Denny of Grouchy Old Cripple was contemplating how the Democrats are the new Tokyo Rose because they’re hitting the same three themes that the Japanese used in their propaganda, namely:
1. Your President is lying to you.
2. This war is illegal.
3. You cannot win the war.
I’m not sure about #2, but after a little research, I discovered that there was also a fourth theme – which the Democrats aren’t using yet, but it won’t surprise me when they do – which I’ll call for the sake of decorum “Your wife isn’t lonely“.
Which got me thinking… maybe we should start working on demoralizing the terrorists:
First Democrat that promises to leaflet Baghdad with this gets my vote.
Aquaman Reviews Comics
Hey, dickweeds. I’m a busy superhero, but I try to take time out of my day to follow what the other superheroes are doing. Thus, I thought I’d give you the benefit of a superhero’s opinion on superhero comics.
AQUAMAN COMIC REVIEWS
All-Star Superman #7 – I know a lot of people are raving about this series, but I had trouble following this one. Bizzaros attack from… somewhere… and then Superman saves everybody and puts them on… something. Then Superman goes to the Bizzaro home world and does… something to it. The art could be clearer. Also, how could Superman lose his powers in the end when this series started with him getting supercharged by the sun to point he’s dying (like that bastard could ever die)? I really just want more of Superman flying around punching things and shooting things with his eyes, because, really, that’s all he’s good for. I rate this one a scorpionfish.
By the way, make sure to lobby DC Comics so I get my own All-Star series. They better just make sure they get someone who can write more than one comic a year… unlike Frank Miller (with writing dialog for Batman like “Are you retarded or something?” you can see why it takes him so long).
Detective Comics #831 – Yet another comic of Batman dealing with threats that would only take up one panel in a comic if I were dealing with them. This time he has to deal with two women: One who knows how to do cartwheels (Harley Quinn) and one who has a puppet (the new Ventriloquist). I guess if your main weapon is a boomerang shaped like a bat, you’ll stick to enemies who could actually be defeated with said weapon. Really, why is Batman so popular? What problem ever called for a guy in bat suit armed with a boomerang?
Anyway, this comic has “character development” and “emotional content” if for some reason you read comics for that. I rate it a redtail catfish.
Punisher War Journal #6 – Like Batman, the Punisher has no super powers. The difference is that he’s smart enough to carry guns. Then again, he hasn’t fired one for like three issues. Still, this one could be the setup for an interesting story. Some masked villain is killing people to cause hatred on the American/Mexican border… and I don’t think he’s Tom Tancredo. So, the Punisher is heading to Mexico to “shoot him in the face.” He’s also supposed to don a Captain America like costume starting the next issue (he picked up Captain America’s mask when Captain America surrendered in the Marvel Civil War), and, frankly, isn’t someone with a huge arsenal of firearms a much better representation of America than some guy with an overgrown discus? It’s promising, so I rate it an orange roughy.
There was once a comic special in which the Punisher took on everyone in the Marvel universe. I think that would be a great idea with me: Aquaman vs. the DC Universe. Not sure what my motivation would be to kill everyone, but that would be a pretty awesome comic.
Amazing Spider-Man #539 – I’m a bit late on this one, but they’re more than a bit late on the follow ups. Anyway, with being hunted by the government and his aunt getting shot, Spider-Man has finally decided to man up and beat the crap out of everyone. Spider-Man always seemed like a little wuss to me, so it’s good to see him drop the stupid wisecracks and just start punching people. The return to the black suit is a bit gimmicky, but I liked this comic. I actually starting to believe MJ isn’t a beard. I rate it a nurse shark.
Iron Man #16 – Boring. Now that Iron Man is the director of S.H.I.E.L.D., apparently he has a lot of executive duties and not as much time blowing the crap out of stuff. If the main character of the comic has an armored suit that fires lasers, I expect more explosions and less status meetings (“Drafting a mission statement is no problem for the Invincible Iron-Man!”). Maybe the comic will get more interesting with the return of Iron Man’s arch-nemesis: The Ten-Ringed Chinaman! I rate this comic a short-finned eel.
Avengers: The Initiative #1 – Neat idea, at least. Now that all people with super powers have to be registered, the American government is putting together a superhero team for each of the fifty states. The new recruits this focuses on don’t seem that great so far; one actually has magical gas-riding powers. Also, I’m not sure how long this “The Initiative” Marvel gimmick is going to last. I rate this a California halibut.
Just so you know, if the government ever tried to force me to do anything, the terror I’d unleash on the shores would be unimaginable. All this living underwater has given me a bit of a libertarian streak.
Uncanny X-Men #485 – The current story line is called “The Rise and Fall of the Shi’ar Empire,” but a better name would be “A Bunch of Third-Tier X-Men No One Cares About Fighting Villains No One Cares About in Galaxy a Trillion Miles Away from Anything Anyone Cares About (Part 11 of 12).” The only way this series could redeem itself is if everyone dies in the last issue (including the current writer and penciler). I rate this a sea cucumber. (FUN FACT: I don’t know if I can command a sea cucumber because I’ve never been bored enough to try)
Aquaman #50 & #51 – This usually would be the main event, but the comic is still stuck on the “New Aquaman.” I’m left as the “Dweller of the Depths” who is a cross between Merlin and Davy Jones from the recent Pirate of the Caribbean movie. Luckily, they had the mercy to kill me off at the end of issue #50. Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, the Green Lantern, and the Flash all came for my underwater funeral at the beginning of #51 (and Superman did wear a rebreather because, as I keep telling you, he cannot breathe underwater). I wouldn’t worry too much because I’ve been around since the forties and you can’t kill me off for good. I’m hoping I soon resurrect back in my normal form (including losing that stupid magical water hand for a regular punching hand). If that doesn’t happen soon, all the more reason you should all be writing letters to DC Comics for me to get my own All-Star comic.
Anyway, as for the story, there’s too much of it. The new writer is some scifi novelist named Tad Williams and he likes to write and write and write. I wish that was the worst of it, but the current artist draws everything in the comic so cartoony you expect Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck to join the adventure. Who makes an evil being that feeds off pain appear cute? Really, they need to bring me back to normal and have this new Aquaman be the new Aqualad (he can’t really command sea life yet, but maybe I can teach him). I rate the current comics a goldfish.
That’s all for now. You should know that the DC Comics and Marvel Comics big summer events are starting. For DC, it’s Amazons Attack, where the Amazons attack America in full force. Really, though, if the combined might of the superhero community and the US military can’t take on a bunch of chicks with spears, then America doesn’t deserve to exist. For Marvel, they have World War Hulk where Hulk returns to Earth to get vengeance on all the superheroes who did him wrong. Good luck to him.
You can write your opinion on the comics you’re reading in the comment section. I’m busy, so I probably won’t read any of what you write. Also, I don’t like any of you.
Why Again Did FOX News Want This?
The Democrat Presidential Primary Debate was pretty boring, so boring I don’t think any of the left-wing blogs even bothered to write about it with all the things they still have to say about Alberto Gonzales. Maybe the debate could be more interesting with some better questions, so here’s what I cam up with:
FRANK QUESTIONS FOR A DEMOCRAT PRESIDENTIAL PRIMARY DEBATE
“With President Bush out of office in 2009, do you expect the Democrats to lose focus by not having an enemy to rally against?”
“Would someone like to cede time so we can all point and laugh at Kucinich?”
“John Edwards, how badly did your mother want a girl?”
“When the terrorists attack again, under what object of furniture do you plan to hide?”
“Will one of you have the courage to stand up to the Netroots and tell them it’s unhealthy to eat their own feces?”
“Senator Hillary Clinton, on the campaign trail, people are afraid to allow you to kiss their babies out of fear you may eat them. Is this a valid fear?”
“What do you think is more important: To lose the war quickly or decisively?”
“Do you think Americans are deluded enough to think the country would be safe in the hands of you dinguses? If not, what steps do you plan to take in this campaign to make the American people forget about important issues?”
“Do any of you have penises?”
Half-picture of Harvey alert! Half-picture of Harvey alert!
You’ll never get to see almost-Harvey again, people! So head over to Tammi’s before Harvey finds out and makes her take it down! Quickly now…
Oh, and welcome home, T1G.
Ink
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Tennessee Titans fan
Blurg. Well, he can’t be perfect, then, can he? Only Jesus was perfect. At least he’s not a Houston Texans fan (or something equally bad–communist, socialist, gun grabber, illegal immigrant, etc.).
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Speak Lies to Weakness
I saw a liberal shouting mathematical axioms at a outlet on the wall.
“What are you doing, my idiot friend?” I asked.
“I’m speaking truth to power, man!” he answered, his left eye twitching.
“Aren’t you taking that a bit literally?”
“SHUT UP, FASCIST!” he screamed at me.
Of course, I was left with no choice but to punch him in his dumb monkey face. Still, it got me thinking: If liberals are speaking “truth to power,” then shouldn’t we conservatives be speaking lies to weakness? It’s worth a shot, at least. And who is the biggest source of weakness? Democrats, of course!
LIES TO TELL DEMOCRATS
“You know how you keep shouting that America has lost the war? You should keep doing that; Americans love that sort of thing.”
“This whole VTech shooting tragedy would be a great time to bring back the issue of gun control. That would be great for your party!”
“Pelosi is an attractive woman. She should release a swimsuit calendar.”
“I think Harry Reid admitting he doesn’t have a penis is a great idea. It would make him a sympathetic character.”
“Ted Kennedy has to be the most coherent speaker you guys have. He should really be out front representing you.”
“You should have DNC.org redirect to the Daily Kos. They’re totally mainstream and won’t alienate people at all.”
“Hillary needs to show more anger; that’s what people want from her.”
“That mouse trap is deactivated; go ahead and take the cheese.”
What are some other lies we can speak to weakness?
Friday Catblogging
Since it’s Friday, I thought I’d spread the joy of humor-free, apolitical Friday Catblogging to IMAO (aka “I-MEOW”).
It’s not that IMAO really needs apolitical Friday Catblogging, you know. IMAO is strong and vibrant without it.
Friday Catblogging makes IMAO stronger and vibranter, darn it.
Anyway, it’s time for Nardo the Fuzzface:
If you’re not sure how this absurd scene pertains to IMAO, since IMAO is famous for that “political humor” thing, it doesn’t. If you must have some semblance of politics or humor in everything you read here, just assume that Nardo is… um…
Help me out here. Make your suggestions in the comments how this scene is, in fact, a political allegory.
National Hairball Awareness Day
Friday Ark #136 – Today
Carnival of the Cats – Sunday
Catcams – All day long.
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Winner of the first Democrat Presidential Debate: Fred Thompson.
State of the Frank Report
This is the part of the blog where I write about my day for those interested.
After I finished my inane blogging for the day (or “speaking lies to weakness” as I call it), I went to Stark Tower to see if my old college roommate knew anything about Doctor Doom’s plans.
“Wow, nice office.” He took up the entire top floor and his office decoration had that “I paid good money to have someone decorate this for me” look.
“Not to be rude, but I’m really busy. So, what’s up, Frank?” Tony Stark looked stressed to the breaking point.
“Doctor Doom… Muslim terrorist… Nuclear power plant… Monkeys… Any of that ringing a bell?”
“Honestly, I don’t care about Doctor Doom’s plans unless he’s working on a competing contract for the Department of Defense. You think he’s up to something?”
“Something involving me, Tony! I have contracts of my own to work on, and it’s quite hard with there being some crazed supervillian possibly after me!”
Tony tried to clean up the papers scattered on his desk. “I heard the Justice League was getting in the way of whatever you’re working on.”
“More like the ‘Gay Homo League’!” I retorted. I then thought that was kind of lame and I could do better. “I mean the… um… Stupid League… Okay, I got nothing. Anyway, that’s taken care of.”
“Be careful, Frank. The Justice League is slow to action, but if they come after you, that’s trouble I don’t want any part of.”
I laughed. “Slow to action? When was your last superheroics?”
“Hey, I act when needed, but flying around in battle armor fighting evil is hard to justify to the Stark Industry stockholders.”
I looked out the window behind him to his magnificent view of the bay. “Is that a giant mutant squid attacking that boat?”
Tony turned to look. He began to get up, but then thought better of it. “Eh… I have a lot of forms to fill out; you know how government contracts are. Plus, that’s really more of a job for Aquaman, and he doesn’t get that many opportunities.”
I smiled. “No one has seen Aquaman for about a week.”
Tony sighed. “I remember back in my college days I always said, ‘One of these days, Frank is going to kill Aquaman.'” He thought for a moment. “Or was it Namor?”
“Never had a beef with Namor.” Out the window I could see the red and blue of Spider-Man staring out over the water at the squid and not looking sure of what to do.
“So did you really cause Aquaman to snap in Arizona?”
I sighed. “You said you were busy; why don’t I let you get to work and you can tell me later if you hear anything on Victor von Doom.”
“I’ll ask the Avengers if they know anything.”
I chuckled. “Yeah, I’m sure the Fabio looking guy with the big hammer is a real fount of knowledge. Or maybe you can ask the giant green guy who smashes things.”
Tony took out some more forms. “He’s not part of the Avengers.”
“Why not?”
“He smashes things.”
I noticed the red and gold Iron Man armor standing unused in a display case. “I can’t believe you get all the credit for designing that when all you did was come up with gay color scheme after spending countless hours sobering up at Denny’s while staring at the ketchup and mustard bottles.”
Tony was busy filling out forms and looking more irate. “Yes, I know; the color scheme is gay. Anything else?”
“Your mustache is gay too.” I noticed something out of place. “Do you know you have the number for Joey’s Pizza stuck to your armor?”
“What?!” He ran over to his armor. “Stupid teenagers! They think it’s so funny to put refrigerator magnets on Iron Man… even after I just saved them from aliens! I hate kids!”
“I’ll show myself out.” I took one last look out his window. Now Daredevil had joined Spider-Man in watching impotently as the mutant squid destroyed the tanker. I guess it was a job for Aquaman.
The Democrats’ Plan for Failure Can Help Us Win
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The Democrats are going to vote for surrender again because they’re losers and losing is what losers do. Plus, if the surrender bill isn’t passed, the Lilliputians who make up the nutroots will become enraged, and the Democrats are scared of their tiny fists.
President Bush says he’ll veto the bill, but maybe he shouldn’t. Instead he should say, “The Democrats are very strong and scary. I better sign their bill before they get terse with me!”
Then the troops in Iraq will announce, “The Democrats says things are lost here, so were going to retreat. Run away!”
When the terrorists hear the fading footsteps of the troops, they’ll come out of hiding and yell, “We win! We knew America was too weak to stand against us! Now we’ll–”
Then the troops will jump out from behind a wall. “Ha! We didn’t run away! We just went behind a wall and imitated footsteps fading into the distance! Now we’re going to shoot you all in the face! Ooh-rah!” Then they’ll shoot all the terrorists in the face.
The terrorists will be like, “GERAGHW! MY FACE! I CAN BARELY TALK BECAUSE MY JAW IS HANGING OFF MY SKULL! BLERGAWHG! TRICKSY DEMOCRATS! WE’LL GET YOU FOR THIS! GLERBLAWG!”
And Harry Reid will have a press conference and say, “This wasn’t a trick! We really wanted to surrender because we thought it would help us politically! Please don’t hurt us, terrorists! Someone get me a new pair of pants!”
And then that clip will get played over and over on late night shows and we’ll laugh and laugh until the clip is overplayed and we’re sick of it.
It’s a good plan. I came up with it… with the help of the Democrats!