Latin night. Also known as Producers Hate SarahK Night #34,847. Oooooh! The cast of Drive, including Nathan Fillion! I heart him.
That’s about all I care about on this show anymore — Nathan Fillion being in the audience. Gina is gone. Chris Sligh is gone. Melinda should win but probably won’t, because some people will be distracted by LaKisha’s Breasts, Jordin’s Smile, Sanjaya’s Hair, Pennywise’s Reflective Head, and Haley’s Hoo-Hah. Oh yeah, Blake’s my 2nd fave, voice wise, but I don’t want to buy the crappy electronikka CD he’ll want to put out–if he would just sing and look nice and stuff, I would be happy, but he really likes the digital, yo. Jordin could be my 3rd favorite of those left, but I’m afraid she’d want to do bubble-gum pop, and, um–ew. Chris R is probably my #2 (based on the fact that I wouldn’t like Blake’s and Jordin’s CDs) of those left, but he’s been in the bottom two so often and makes bad song choices (according to America) often enough that Haley’s Hoo-hah will flash him right out way too early anyway.
So yeah, I don’t care. Bring on Sanjaya’s bad hair decision of the week so I can throw up my dinner already.
Oh, and for Latin week, it’s Jenny from the Block. J-Lo. Didn’t she grow up in the very Latino Bronx? Just for clarification purposes. I mean, I’m too lazy to google it (google it), but y’all can if you want. I’m going straight from rote. Whew, big words! I have to occupy myself somehow with this boring show now that there’s no one to get excited about.
For the record, I like J-Lo as an actress, don’t care for her as a singer, and avoid her tabloid shenanigans like the plague, because oh my.
Why not say who is your favorite, Miss Lo? Please! Do something interesting before I change the channel!
Oh, um–Latin music? Yeah, not so much. Please keep it in Latinastan and don’t subject me to it. Oh, I guess I said that in my first line.
01 Melinda is singing “Sway”, an incredibly boring Latin song. She did her hair up like a grama. J-Lo told her to be sultry and sexy, and Melinda says that will be hard for her, because she’s so not sexy. I’m a little tense until she comes out. She’s obviously going for sexy this week. She is sexy in a sleek black dress, but she’s still modest. Kudos there. Say, Melinda, there’s this girl named Haley. You should give her a tip about how to be sexy without flashing the goodies to the world. This is sultry and whatnot, but incredibly boring, but it’s Latin music, so I suspect one of the best of the night. We’ll see. She almost doesn’t hit the end note right, but she just makes it, barely. It was a yawner but mostly spotless. Other than the hair, she looks fantastic, probably the best she’s dressed any night of the competition. RANDY: Yeah, dawg. Not one of your best, but yeah. PAULA: Sultry, sexy, you look lovely. You didn’t have to wow us. SIMON: Well it had to happen, Melinda. I didn’t like it. I’ll tell you why. That song is all about personality. You appeared much older than you are. At this stage, you have to put on a wow-factor performance every week. I think you’re better than that. RYAN: Were you worried what Simon would say? MELINDA: Actually, I’m happy, because he really wanted to say something bad, and he got the chance. (Even Simon can’t help himself, he laughs.) SARAHK: BTW, your lipstick is way too red.
02 Wow, that is a DWTS dress that Kiki is wearing tonight with her giant breasts bursting out of the seams. My bad, I only saw the boob part of it while she was sitting. It’s just loud like the DWTS dresses. Ok, so we’ve had all these legends on the show–Tony Bennett, Diana Ross, Lulu, et al–and LaKisha has ignored every bit of advice from them (no, I’ma do my own thang, because I’m Kiki tha Great). Now we have J-Lo… J-LO!!! And LaKisha is all over that advice! Show me how to move, I’ll do it. How do I pronounce conga, Miss Latina from the Block? Oh no. I was wrong. She didn’t take the advice on how to pronounce conga. Would it be wrong of me to advise her on not wearing dresses that accentuate the backfat? Sorry, but I have backfat, and I don’t wear dresses in which the backfat spills out over the back edge of the dress. At least not on purpose. No, I just can’t let it go. Bad form. The song, the song. It’s Latin crap. I hated it when Gloria and the Miami Vice or whoever did it, and I hated it this time. Yuck. Nothing good about it, nothing special. Boring and safe and frankly, I was too distracted by the above to even hear the mediocrity. Please, where is Gina? RANDY: Yo, check it out, whatever we were missing with Melinda, here it is, you brought it, that was hot, welcome back. SARAHK: Come again? PAULA: You look lovely. SARAHK: Come again? PAULA: I didn’t love it as much as Randy did. I felt it was very safe. I’m ready for you to bring it again. We love ya. SIMON: Do you agree? KIKI: Not so much. SARAHK: Come again? SIMON: I agree with Pauler. It was safe. The dancing wasn’t very good. (Kiki looks shocked by this.)
Archive of entries posted on 10th April 2007
State of the Frank Report
This is the part of the blog where I write about my day for those interested.
They counted the bodies from the fire. One monkey was unaccounted for.
Dammit.
Of course, as we all know, it’s quite hard to sort out charred monkey corpses. Plus, they were locked in tight when I set the fire; none should have been able to escape.
That’s what I told myself, but then I thought I saw something move in the trees behind my house. If the monkey didn’t kill me, the uncertainty would.
The only way I could find solace would be to set a trap for the simian — one that would surely kill it if the monkey were in fact stalking me and planning its revenge. Something quick and deadly so that one shriek would mark the end of this saga.
I tried looking up traps on Wikipedia, but one gets the sense that none of those internet nerds has ever killed anything… has ever watched something slowly bleed to death until its life fades from its eyes much like a polaroid in reverse. No, if I wanted a trap, I’d have to devise it myself. And I’d have no rest until I did.
SarahK prepared a lovely dinner of lemon-mustard chicken and garlic broccoli with pine nuts. It looked quite delicious, but then the dog barked at something unseen out the window. My stomach clenched with dread, and I had no appetite. “Sorry, dear wife, but I’m just not hungry.”
She grabbed me by the collar and stared at me with her intense green eyes. “Next time, stay and make sure they all die!”
I hate it when she’s right.
In the Mail
I’ve been forgetting to mention that I got a copy of Hugh Hewitt’s new book A Mormon in the White House. I’ve been a bit intimidated by Hugh Hewitt, worrying I’m not smart enough to read him (I worry the same thing about Victor Davis Hanson).
Anyway, Mitt Romney is my favorite of those currently announced, but the Mormonism is a problem (here’s a blog post from Hewitt on the subject). I’m not going to go into all the points as they are all debatable, but Mormonism can be made particularly creepy sounding (the secrecy certainly doesn’t help). On the other hand, while people complain about Islam being called “the religion of peace” when the actions of so many of its members speak otherwise, it’s thus hard to paint Mormonism as sinister and threatening when all the Mormons I’ve met are some the nicest, most trustworthy people.
My Birthday: Take the Day off!
Today is my birthday.
In keeping with Federal Holiday Guidelines, please ensure that your supervisors give you paid time off.
Also in keeping with tradition, you may shower me with praise and gifts.
If you’re not up for that, then consider buying our latest T-shirt.
A Comment on Comments
There’s a New York Times article on making a blogger code of conduct. Most of it seems to be aimed towards regulating comments (I didn’t actually read the article; that’s why I peruse blogs: they summarize what I don’t have the attention span to read myself). Apparently, blog comments have gotten so vicious now that some non-conservative chick has been the target of their venom that it’s time to regulate things.
I think I speak for everyone at IMAO when I say, “Yawn.”
Yes, comments at a lot of blogs have become cesspools of trolls without even the slightest bit of tact, but how big a problem is that really? If we get rid of the filth, is it likely we’ll finally get those intelligent conversations we’ve always craved?
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Doubtful. So really, where do nasty comments rank on the scale of world problems? Sticks and stones and all that. I say the problem of nasty anonymous commenters actually ranks below the plight of the spotted owl. And I really don’t care about the spotted owl. It’s an owl. With spots. Who cares?
Comments are just an extra thing; most blogs don’t actually need them to survive and plenty do fine without them. We here at IMAO, though, like to get feedback on our posts and want to make commenting as accessible as possible. Also, we’re lazy. Those two things pretty much dictate our approach to regulating comments. Our only real concern is spam comments. Since I already have more photos of nude celebrities than I know what to do with (and I probably shouldn’t publicly mention my huge stock of prescription drugs), spam is of no use to me. Also, it clogs up old posts and the constant hit from spammers can make us exceed our bandwidth. Thus, that’s all we really care about combating. If those people in the NYTimes article want to do something useful, they should sponsor legislation to have spammers hunted down and beaten to death with bats. Yes, I know many spammers have families, but I don’t care. I want them beaten to death in front of those families so their children will be discouraged.
That said, we do have a comment policy.
THE IMAO COMMENT POLICY
* All comments you make are property of IMAO. As soon as a comment is made, we can do whatever we want with it. We can delete it, edit it, or print it out and frame it and sell it on eBay. You do have some rights, though, such as not having to give lodgings to soldiers and not being forced to incriminate yourself in a court of law (though we may edit comments so you incriminate yourself).
* Official policy of IMAO is that we don’t read your comments. While I do in fact read every comment, if someone comes up to me and says, “Why didn’t you do something about this horrible comment?!” My response will always be, “This is the first I’ve seen of it. I’ll do something about it right away!”
* Because I say I’ll do something about a comment right away doesn’t mean I’ll ever actually do something about the comment.
* Comments can be deleted for any reason… or no reason whatsoever. If a comment is deemed offensive, it may be deleted. If a comment is deemed too mean, it may be deleted. If a comment doesn’t kiss my feet enough, it may be deleted. If a comment is in the way of an interblog highway, it may be deleted. If I’m fiddling around with blog settings before I’ve had my morning coffee, many comments may be deleted.
* The main purpose of comments is to stroke the egos of authors. Thus, comments that speak negatively about IMAO are likely to be edited. E.g. “IMAO has been going downhill for a while. You’ve lost your funny” may become “ROTFL! That was awesome! Who wants to have homosexual sex with me?”
* By writing a comment, you are agreeing to be made into a racist. I.e., a recent comment of, “LOL! Great post!” may be turned into “LOL! Great post! I hate black people!” I may also go back and edit all your previous comments so you have a long history of racism if I’m really bored. Nothing personal; I’m just a jerk and I find that sort of thing funny.
* Despite all these caveats, you should know that any of your comments may (and probably will) be used against you in a court of law.
* Finally, and most importantly, IMAO is absolutely not responsible for anything that happens in the comments. In fact, we’re unaware that IMAO even has comments. Just because we own the site, that doesn’t mean we have time to click on every link and see what happens. Like there’s this link near the bottom that says “Syndicate this site (XML).” What the hell is that? Wow. Now that I finally look at my site, I do have a lot of ads.
I hope this clarifies things. Please continue to enjoy IMAO!