Speaking of elimination, the Dallas Stars are soooo going to eliminate the Vancouver Canucks from the Stanley Cup playoffs this round. Just so you know. /minor hockey trash talk
Wow. My first Whopper Jr. in ages. I won’t get to have them for much longer, and mmmm. I forgot how good they are.
Oh yeah. American Idol. You can see how much I care about this season any more. I’m aching for Kellie Pickler to return, that’s how much I un-heart this season. Yep. New lows.
Seacrest says the contestants brought flair, passion, and power to the Latin special. No, Ryan. They brought suckitude, apathy, and yawns. Seacrest asks who is going home and then gives Sanjaya a long look. Nope, don’t think so, but it’s good we’re all fully IN the Universe of Sanjaya.
Randy says Latin songs are hard to sing, but the contestants overall did good. Paula giggles when Ryan asks if she saw a new side to the contestants. She and her vodka can’t stop laughing. Simon says he did indeed sleep after complimenting Sanjaya last night.
The top eight (used loosely, of course) are singing “Bailamos” by William Hung, et al. It’s not good. Oh, and I can’t help but laugh at the producers’ joke when Sanjaya and Haley are center stage for a duet. Well played. It must be fuh-reeeeezing in that auditorium tonight, because Haley is clothed. Or I don’t know, maybe Haley’s mama finally told her that in Texas, we don’t like our girls to be hs.
AI “Challenge”: Which of Elliott Yamin, Kat McPhee, and Taylor Hicks performed with Meatloaf at last year’s finale. How could we forget that? I mean… really. How. I don’t remember what I said at the time, but I’m recalling it with a big fat “egad”.
Oh yeah, the songwriting contest! I assume they’re having this because the finale songs have gotten worse every single year. The song that wins will be sung on the finale. Please peeps, send in non-crappy, non-campy, non-“inspirational” drivel that someone would sing weepily to their mama at a 50th wedding anniversary party, ok? Avoid songs in the key of dull. Prime examples of what to stay away from include: “Inside Your Heaven” (known in our house as “Inside Your Tear Ducts”), “Do I Make You Proud” (Weird Al’s version is so much better), “Flying Without Wings”, and whatever nasty spittle Kat McPhee sang for the finale last year.
Seacrest went to the streets to interview people about the show. It’s kinda cute. A lady ran away from Ryan at the end when he said “Come on baby, give me a nice, wet, lickery kiss.”
A-Kon is on again singing “Don’t Matter”. He really likes singing on American Idol, because he was on with Gwen Stefani two weeks ago. He wants to fight for his right to love, yeah. You know what? I’m just happy he’s not singing about bchs and knp*y hdd h*s, as the hip-hop artists are so inclined to do these days. (And yes, I grew up in urban America and was a minority in my high school by the time I graduated, and I’m quite sure that at our school, knappy was spelled with a k. I’m well-educated on knappy. It means tangled, bushy, messy, gross. Even white people with dreds can have knappy hair–my mom’s best friend’s son and my own brother have had some knappy dreds, dawg. Every time I saw my brother with dreds, I would most assuredly make a comment about his knappy hair. It wasn’t racist. It was just because his hair was knappy. For more urban education, just ask me questions. I’m happy to help.)
What was I talking about? Yes. The bad Ford commercial. It’s “Knappy Together”. No, sorry, that’s “Happy Together”. They got ahold of the CSI: Horatio visual effects and started morphing heads into other heads and cars into other cars. Morphing is wrong. I’m coming out against genetic morphing, especially genetic morphing funded by my American Idol votes and my driving of a Ford.
I can’t actually see the game right now, because we have 2 things recording on the DVR, and our non-livingroom TVs don’t get VS channel. But according to the Stars’ website, the game is knotted at 1, thanks to our Captain. At 11 I can switch to the game. Florida sucks and has no sports radio, at least the east coast of Florida.
LOL, Soup moment: they’re promoting the charity event, and Simon is showing the children in Africa that the charity event will help, and one of the little girls drew Simon with boobies. Simon says he doesn’t much like her.
Ryan asks Simon if they raise $20MM, will Simon get up and sing onstage? Simon says no, you can do better.
They do a splice job with the judges trashing a contestant and Tony Bennett auditioning. “Other door.”
NO NO! They’re recapping the Latin show! WHY?! I like my ears! I need them for hearing and producing wax! They show Haley after the judges’ comments last night, and Haley says, “I guess I’m gonna go, uh, put a robe on.” Yes, because that’s the first time she’s heard the comment about her dressing problem? Wah.
Oh, poor wittle Haley says it hurt a little bit, and she’s not gonna wear anything that she feels is inappropriate. Yes, just what would you consider inappropriate? Garters and crotchless panties?
Phil is in the bottom three.
LaKisha is safe.
Jordin is safe.
Melinda is safe.
Haley is in the bottom three.
Ryan keeps teasing Sanjaya and telling him to stand up but then telling him to sit back down, because we’re not ready for him yet.
Blake is safe.
Chris is in the bottom three. Sanjaya is safe.
I predicted this bottom three exactly. It’s not even challenging to predict the bottom three! Now there’s a break and then a J-Lo.
After the break, Chris gets to sit back down. He is safe to sing another day. Finally, we will be rid of either the Hoo-Hah Girl or Pennywise. I actually hope it’s the Hoo-Hah girl. Yes, I who have always withheld Phil’s number would rather keep him around if it means getting rid of LegsMcCrotchy.
Hey, if J-Lo was a contestant, I would vote for her over any of the other contestants last night. My critiques would be that she ran out of breath a little at the end, and she needs to put her middle finger down a little. She was much more passionato than the others. J-Lo says she thinks she comes from the Paula school of criticism, not that we don’t need our Simon. She believes in accentuating the positive. At least she’s honest. She’s charming and clothed for the evening.
Haley and her hoo-hah are going home, to the place where they belong, where love has always been enough for them. That’s all I know of the song, still.
Next week is country with Martina McBride!! The only week to look forward to. But with this bunch, I’m not optimistic.
Archive of entries posted on 11th April 2007
State of the Frank Report
This is the part of the blog where I write about my day for those interested.
One of the cats — the fat calico — played with a cricket today. The cat ripped off the legs and then watched then insect squirm around as it slowly died. When the cat became bored, it retreated to the corner of the room to lick itself.
Cute things, those cats.
I wish I such luxury to enjoy my kill, but I needed the monkey killed quickly and efficiently. I already have too much to worry about and need closure for this episode.
The trap is simple. It’s a box with an apple dangling in its center. When the monkey reaches in and grabs the apple, razor wire will go taut and slice off the monkey’s arm. The monkey will then bleed to death while I stand on my back porch smoking a cigar and sipping bourbon.
Trap in hand, I went to get a ladder so as to place it in one of the trees out back. What I saw, though, were two people searching through the ashes of the monkey cages. One was instantly recognizable as Aquaman. The other took me a moment to place. He was Lieutenant Caine, a crime scene investigator from Miami. Aquaman used to frequent Miami quite a bit so they were old friends.
“If you take off your sunglasses, it might help you see any clues,” I called out to the Lieutenant.
Aquaman turned his attention to me. “What do you have there?”
“A box; they’re used for holding things. If you guys get tired of looking at those dead monkeys, just give me a holler and I’ll see if I have some more interesting ones in my basement.”
“This area is at sea level.” Lieutenant Caine took off his sunglasses in a dramatic fashion. “You don’t have a basement.”
“It’s called a joke, sherlock. You two have fun. Just don’t have gay sex while children are watching.” Me and my box headed back for the garage.
This is too much. I won’t be able to do anything while Aquaman and his friends are constantly looking over my shoulder. Thus, I must finally do what Black Manta never could.
I must kill Aquaman.
Lymphoma Has Made the Wrong Enemy
Fred Thompson has revealed he has lymphoma (if Red State has recovered from being linked by The Drudge Report, Fred Thompson wrote about it in a post there). It’s in remission and has no effect on him (because, of course, he’s Fred Thompson). I’ve never publicly said so, but I’m kinda excited about the idea of a Fred Thompson candidacy, so I hope the fact that he’s putting this information out is an indication he’s planning on running.
I’m sure you will all join me in wishing Fred Thompson the best, but you should also know that he spits on our well-wishes because he doesn’t need them. He’s Fred Thompson.
Don Imus In Trouble Again
Don Imus, the beleaugered radio show host who was recently suspended for calling the Rutgers basketball team a bunch of “nappy headed hos” got into even more troulbe today.
The National Organization of Nappy Headed Hos filed a formal complaint with the FCC.
Said the national chair, Hillariqa, “Just cuz I got a nappy head, don’t mean you have to be calling me no basketball player. That @(#& is just disrespectful.”
Also joining in the complaint was her co-chair, Nanconda. “Why you gotta do us like that? We work so hard on these mean streets. Every day we just out here bustin our butts, or vice versa. You don’t have to call us basketball players. There are other ways you can compliment our ball handling skills”
Don Imus will be going down to the ghetto this afternoon to meet with all the Nappy Headed Hos and have a discussion about the hurt feelings he caused among these people.
Said Hillariqa, “I’m sure some people wouldn’t care what some old white fart has to say, but not me: I take everything personal. I’m not the type of person who can just disregard this and go about my daily business. I need him down here to explain to me just why he thought it was funny to call the Nappy Headed Hos basketball players.”
Imus is sure to face another suspension over this incident. An executive, who insisted on remaining anonymous, stated: “We need to look at our core audience and make sure they are happy. Just because the Nappy Haired Hos don’t listen to the program, doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try to cater to their every feeling. Apologizing isn’t enough. We may have Imus do community work at a children’s center or maybe even a hair salon.”
IMAO will provide coverage of this issue as it develops. .
Army Introduces New Body Armor Design
Michelle Malkin has more.
New Strategy for a Slow News Week
There’s pretty nothing happening in the news right now as evidenced by Don Imus being the big story. That’s who my old man listens and thinks is edgy. Usually, Don Imus could murder someone and barely make the entertainment news, so there basically has to be nothing at all happening for him to be a lead story.
So, the world is failing IMAO by not providing us with noteworthy events to react to. Thus, I’m forced to make up my own interesting news and react to it.
TODAY’S NEWS
* Rudy Giuilani beat a hobo to death with a tire iron. People are trying to make this an issue about Rudy’s anger and acting like he committed some great crime, but this is just a made up controversy. The facts are that the hobo spit on Rudy; this was not some unprovoked assault. Also, the hobo has no family and will be mourned by no one, so who was hurt here?
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* New Democratic Presidential candidate, a Giorgio Armani suit on a headless mannequin, sails past Barack Obama in the polls. I really don’t know what to say here. The three piece suit doesn’t have any record of accomplishments to justify it’s momentum in this presidential race, but at the same time, what can I criticize about it? It’s an Armani.
* Iranian President Ahmadinejad revealed to be only two feet tall. Usually, the Iranian press is careful to photograph Ahmadinejad so that he appears about normal size, but a photo leaked of Ahmadinejad standing next to a squirrel. If it is a regular squirrel and not some giant mutant nuclear squirrel that it’s rumored Iranian scientists are working on, then Ahmadinejad is approximately two feet tall. Reportedly, the mullahs who run Iran keep Ahmadinejad in a sock drawer and pull him out when they need some announcements made.
* Al Gore gets tongue stuck to a flagpole during a global warming conference. As funny as it is every time Gore’s conferences are met with winter storms, that’s merely anecdotal evidence and doesn’t prove anything. Still, Gore licking a flagpole to make some point on climate change is yet another demonstration of his poor judgment and why he’s really not a good source for information on this issue.
* John Edwards puts on a dress and french kisses Markos ZË™niga. Though Markos later fixed the typo on DailyKos so that the post told Edwards to “be his own man” instead of to “be his woman,” Markos still said that Edwards attempt to blindly follow whatever the Netroots demanded showed “true leadership.” In my opinion, Edwards would make a much more attractive woman than Hillary.
* John McCain ridicules conservatives at his event and then has staffers hold them down while he pees on their face. Afterwards, he wondered aloud why those conservatives aren’t backing him even though he supports the war. When the conservatives tried to respond, McCain had them arrested since he considered their speech to be an illegal campaign contribution as outlined by the McCain-Feingold Act. McCain’s candidacy just hasn’t been gaining steam, and I can’t quite put my middle finger on the reason.
* Sanjaya Malakar poisoned, shot, hung, and then thrown in river but still shows up next day to sing off key on American Idol. Once again, he wasn’t even in the bottom three despite his new hairstyle being denounced by the pope as an “offense to God.” Sorry, people, there’s no getting rid of him.
* Peace and democracy brought to Iraq; Reuters news report refers to this as “dark sign of things to come.” Report emphasizes that, since all insurgents have been brought to justice and all order is restored, “things can only get worse for Iraq.” They quote experts who say that “the only thing worse than bombs going is bombs not going off, as one can only assume that means the bombers are currently plotting even more deadly bombs.” The Reuters story also makes note of how all the puppies and kittens playing in the streets of Baghdad are a “black omen” of an “almost certain disaster yet awaiting Iraq.” I’m beginning to think that Reuters may be a bit biased, but “no news is good news” as they say… though I think they meant something different by it.
* Fred Thompson goes to beach for the weekend; while there, he accepts the surrender of a Russian sub. He was just wanting to relax with his wife, so it must have been a bit annoying for a submarine to sail up next to him with the entire crew exiting with their hands up. Luckily, he is experienced with that sort of situation. Fred Thompson is expected to keep the sub in his backyard next to the Russian tank that surrendered to him which he shook his fist at it.
* A man materialized in a ball of lightning in the middle of a campaign event. He said he is from the future and warned us not to elect Hillary Clinton. Really? You’ve advanced so far in the future that you’ve finally figured out what most Americans know now: Don’t vote for Hillary. Why don’t you stick to the problems of your epoch and we’ll take care of ours. Anyway, how bad can your future be if you have a time machine — something today’s scientists are pretty sure isn’t even scientifically possible? If someone from the future is reading this blog archive, please bring us schematics for a cold fusion generator instead of your political opinion.
Kos Kode of Konduct – Liberalism Enforced
Recently Tim O’Reilly of O’Reilly Radar posted his first draft of the “Blogger Code of Conduct“, a set of voluntary guidelines designed to make the blogospheric conversation a touch more civil.
We celebrate the blogosphere because it embraces frank and open conversation. But frankness does not have to mean lack of civility. We present this Blogger Code of Conduct in hopes that it helps create a culture that encourages both personal expression and constructive conversation.
1. We take responsibility for our own words and for the comments we allow on our blog.
We are committed to the “Civility Enforced” standard: we will not post unacceptable content, and we’ll delete comments that contain it.
We define unacceptable content as anything included or linked to that:
– is being used to abuse, harass, stalk, or threaten others
– is libelous, knowingly false, ad-hominem, or misrepresents another person,
– infringes upon a copyright or trademark
– violates an obligation of confidentiality
– violates the privacy of others
We define and determine what is “unacceptable content” on a case-by-case basis, and our definitions are not limited to this list. If we delete a comment or link, we will say so and explain why. [We reserve the right to change these standards at any time with no notice.]
2. We won’t say anything online that we wouldn’t say in person.
3. We connect privately before we respond publicly.
When we encounter conflicts and misrepresentation in the blogosphere, we make every effort to talk privately and directly to the person(s) involved–or find an intermediary who can do so–before we publish any posts or comments about the issue.
4. When we believe someone is unfairly attacking another, we take action.
When someone is publishing comments or blog postings that are offensive, we’ll tell them so (privately, if possible–see above) and ask them to publicly make amends.
If those published comments could be construed as a threat, and the perpetrator doesn’t withdraw them and apologize, we will cooperate with law enforcement to protect the target of the threat.
5. We do not allow anonymous comments.
We require commenters to supply a valid email address before they can post, though we allow commenters to identify themselves with an alias, rather than their real name.
6. We ignore the trolls.
We prefer not to respond to nasty comments about us or our blog, as long as they don’t veer into abuse or libel. We believe that feeding the trolls only encourages them–“Never wrestle with a pig. You both get dirty, but the pig likes it.” Ignoring public attacks is often the best way to contain them.
All fine & dandy, but it’s certainly not for everyone. A blog must be true to its own inherent nature. That’s why Frank J. wrote his own set of guidelines specifically for IMAO, and even Michelle Malkin has her own shorter, sweeter version.
And that got me to thinking that, since liberals are notoriously lazy about writing things for themselves, I should put one together for Daily Kos.
We celebrate the blogosphere because it embraces our moral and political delusions. But delusions can only survive in the absence of rational challenge. We present this Kos Kode of Konduct in hopes that it helps create an insular and ideologically pure – if somewhat conceptually incestuous – culture that encourages both personal psychosis and deranged demagogery.
1. We are merely victims of others’ misinterpretations of our words and the comments that forced themselves on our blog.
We are committed to the “Liberalism Enforced” standard: we are – by definition, since we’re liberals – incapable of posting unacceptable content, but we’ll sure as hell delete comments that contain it.
We define unacceptable content as anything included or linked to that:
– fails to abuse, harass, stalk, or threaten Republicans
– is libelous, knowingly false, ad-hominem, or misrepresents Democrats, unless we’ve decided to throw said Democrat to the wolves, like that SOB Lieberman
– infringes upon a copyright or trademark, except in cases of plagiarism, AKA “fair use”
– violates an obligation of confidentiality – exceptionally juicy and/or speculative pieces of gossip notwithstanding
– violates the privacy of others while doing nothing to bring search engine traffic to our site
– paints aught but the most unflattering portrait of not-my-President Bush
We define and determine what is “unacceptable content” via consultation with a Magic 8 Ball, and our definitions are not limited consistency, logic, fairness or decency. If we delete a comment or link, we will pretend it was never there and pray that no one thinks to check the Google Cache or the Internet Archive. [We reserve the right to change these standards at any time with no notice and then vehemently maintain that we didn’t.]
2. We won’t say anything online that we wouldn’t say in person if we were surrounded by a gang of liberal friends and standing behind armed body guards – who, by the way, are the only people that should be allowed to own guns, and you wouldn’t BELIEVE how much it pains us to even let THAT one slide.
3. We abuse publicly before we respond privately – not that we have anything to apologize for in any case.
When we encounter non-conforming notions in the blogosphere, we make every effort to smear loudly and unreservedly the person(s) involved – or find an frothing mob who can do so – as we publish our obscenity and invective-laden posts or comments about the issue.
4. When we believe someone is unfairly attacking a liberal, we’ll muck-rake and hatchet-job that little weasel into oblivion.
When someone is publishing comments or blog postings that are offensive or even slightly challenging to our truthyish world-view, we’ll screech like a Muslim in a sausage factory (and with as little regard for decorum as Britney Spears wearing a short skirt while getting out of a limo – see above) and demand public acts of contrition and/or self-flagellation. If those published comments could be construed as a threat, or if we find them even moderately irksome, and the perpetrator doesn’t withdraw them and apologize and bring us a shrubbery… one that looks nice… and not too expensive… we will cooperate with law enforcement to protect the target of the threat. Or maybe we’ll just post pictures of the perp’s kids’ on a pedophile message board. Have to consult the Magic 8 Ball on that one.
5. We do not allow anonymous comments unless we agree with them. Otherwise DELETE! DELETE! DELETE! But you can’t prove that happened.
We require commenters to supply a valid email address before they can post so that we can sell our mailing list to the boys at Cialis-R-Us. However, we do allow commenters to identify themselves with an alias, rather than their real name, as long as it’s something clever like Hillary08 or BushIsHitler.
6. We don’t ignore the trolls. We ARE the trolls.
We prefer not to respond to nasty comments about us or our blog, as long as they don’t veer into abuse or libel. But then again, nothing draws page views like a good pissing contest, so GAME ON, RETHUGLICANS! We believe that feeding the trolls keeps them fat & happy – “Always wrestle with a pig. You both get dirty, and we LOVE it! (although we apologize to any Muslims who might be offended by that image).” Posting and linking to public attacks is often the best way to encourage them. Besides, it brings search engine traffic to our site.
Figure this would probably work pretty well for Huff Po, too.