According to a new report, sex ed classes that teach only abstinence do nothing to delay the average teenager’s first experience with intercourse.
Since doing “the marital” leads to naught but woe, suffering, and empty promises of “I’ll call you”, and all government programs are equally useless, we must do more to protect our children. Here are my suggestions on how Biblical-type knowings may be more effectively prevented:
- Viewing of any kissing scene from “The Golden Girls”
- Don Imus masks (Rutgers only)
- Thinking about baseball – specifically Tommy Lasorda
- Master Lock™ brand genital piercings
- “Friend of Sanjaya” t-shirts
- Being a white man on a dance floor
- Viewing “Shaved Britney”… either end
- Free car with your first driver’s license, but it’s a Yugo
- Or you can take the Vespa
- E-mail address containing “@aol.com”
- Community service: peep show mop boy
- Chess club membership (voice of experience here)
Of course, the best way to prevent pre-marital sex is to avoid spending the night with Michael Jackson, but that sorta goes without saying.
And let’s not forget that horrible, horrible picture of the Clintons dancing in their swimsuits.
(SHUDDERS)
Heh, the list is endless. But seriously, the Master Lock genital piercings would actually be a turn on for some people. And, no, I won’t explain the logic to you. Shoo.
*Robin Williams in a swimsuit (I’ve seen it, and don’t wanna again).
*Symptoms of STD’s including visual presentation.
*A montage of Rosie O’Donnel – will also dissuade girls from experimenting with lesbianism.
*Michael Moore, in a Speedo.
*A group activity of banging your partner’s finger’s with a ball-peen hammer.
*Polka music videos
-Fun fact: In Colonial Day girls were made to wear steel wool (I’m not sure what it exactly was made out of) to keep them from jilling (the girl version of jacking). A new perspective on your ancestors there for ya. 😉
Hee Haw love scenes
When my hubby was in the Air Force they had these glasses they called BCG’s– Birth Control Glasses. One look at you in those specs, and the girls would line up to run the other way.
In the above comment, I meant “steel” wool gloves . . . doesn’t make much sense otherwise.
“Bill” – I was in the Navy in the mid to late 80’s… I remember BC’s.
What no one wants to admit is how getting laid (for a guy, at least) does wonders for your self-esteem.
Flunking History? So what, I’m bangin’ Stephanie Fox. Didn’t make the football team? That’s OK, I still banged half the cheerleaders. Didn’t get the lead in the school play? Hey, you want drama, you shoulda seen Stephanie when she caught me with those cheerleaders!
Today’s frustrated dweebs have no outlets anymore. In an effort to outfox their parents who smoked weed, these kids are now doing chrystal meth. They can’t join a rock band ’cause all their wigger friends listen to rap. And as studies show, the girls are putting out less and less.
Is it any wonder the jerkoff of today spends his time blasting away on his video game, ’til he finally psyches himself up to do it for real?
Some dumb Chinese slob who just got dumped by his girlfriend and thought he’d never get laid again comes to mind…
One picture of Hillary naked ought to bring our Replacement Rate below the levels of Japan and Sweden …
Why does that name Stephanie Fox sound familiar?
I have a pair of BCGs!