This is the part of the blog where I write about my day for those interested.
One of the cats — the fat calico — played with a cricket today. The cat ripped off the legs and then watched then insect squirm around as it slowly died. When the cat became bored, it retreated to the corner of the room to lick itself.
Cute things, those cats.
I wish I such luxury to enjoy my kill, but I needed the monkey killed quickly and efficiently. I already have too much to worry about and need closure for this episode.
The trap is simple. It’s a box with an apple dangling in its center. When the monkey reaches in and grabs the apple, razor wire will go taut and slice off the monkey’s arm. The monkey will then bleed to death while I stand on my back porch smoking a cigar and sipping bourbon.
Trap in hand, I went to get a ladder so as to place it in one of the trees out back. What I saw, though, were two people searching through the ashes of the monkey cages. One was instantly recognizable as Aquaman. The other took me a moment to place. He was Lieutenant Caine, a crime scene investigator from Miami. Aquaman used to frequent Miami quite a bit so they were old friends.
“If you take off your sunglasses, it might help you see any clues,” I called out to the Lieutenant.
Aquaman turned his attention to me. “What do you have there?”
“A box; they’re used for holding things. If you guys get tired of looking at those dead monkeys, just give me a holler and I’ll see if I have some more interesting ones in my basement.”
“This area is at sea level.” Lieutenant Caine took off his sunglasses in a dramatic fashion. “You don’t have a basement.”
“It’s called a joke, sherlock. You two have fun. Just don’t have gay sex while children are watching.” Me and my box headed back for the garage.
This is too much. I won’t be able to do anything while Aquaman and his friends are constantly looking over my shoulder. Thus, I must finally do what Black Manta never could.
I must kill Aquaman.
HEY! HORATIO CAINE IS NOT GAY! NO STRAIGHT SEX FOR A MONTH FOR YOU! YOU INSULTED MY HERO!
I’ve been waiting too long for this.
Dude…have you given much thought to how you’re going to breath with a starfish stuck to your face?
Kill Aquaman?!?!?!? Are you OK Frank?
Go easy on him Sarah, I’m sure he only meant that Aquaman would attempt to violate Mr. Caine if he let his guard down. That’s it! It was a “Flank Two Position” Warning to Horatio about Aquaman’s true intentions. Nicely done Frank.
Oh, and Frank, did you know this? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Franks
I have to question your opposition to the French. Is it all put on? I mean the reason its called France is because of the Franks. Or, is that just evidence of your superiority in conquering the French – no, wait – can’t be. They ARE Franks. Are you French?
The razor wire might not be effective.
I believe monkeys can regenerate limbs instantly.
Or maybe that’s werewolves.
Better use a wooden stake just to be sure.
Or maybe a silver bullet.
These are better the the In My Worlds
can you set up a hidden camera to tape the untimely demise of Aqua dud?
Please?
Step 1: Avoid water and fish
Monkeys are tricky, make sure they don’t reverse engineer it and booby-trap it to get you when you come to check it. Go for decapitating it with the razor wire, and put is head on a stake in your yard as a testament to all other monkeys….yea, that oughta do it.
Haha, awesome! You have interesting days, that’s for sure.
I already told you-a flamethrower.
It works on both monkeys and Aquaman.
Here’s how you can trap Aquaman. Dig a big pit and fill it with water. then put an injured fish in there. When Aquaman gets in the water to help the fish you pour cement mix in there.
Give him tickets to Karaoke night at the Blue Oyster Grill. When he catches Aids and dies, you have your revenge.